THE POWER OF “HMMM….”
Benefit: Calm a person who’s upset or angry, moving the person from resisting to listening and then from listening to considering.
Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.
—BILL GATES, MICROSOFT CHAIRMAN
Let’s say you’re in sales. Your company, worried about slumping revenues, wants me to train you and your colleagues to use my techniques to increase your sales. You’re not happy about that—and you’re too pissed off right now to feel like beating around the bush about it.
Over lunch, you say to me, “I don’t know why I need to learn all this crap about getting through to people. Why can’t I just do the job I’m trained to do? Why can’t I just ask customers what they’re looking for and how much they want to spend, and then show them where to pay? I just don’t have the time or energy to learn all this shrink stuff.”
You fully expect me to get mad or defensive. Because after all, it’s my “shrink stuff” you’re talking about.
But I don’t. Instead, I say, “Hmmm,” in a tell-me-more tone of voice.
So you continue, “I really hate having to learn this stuff to get sales. This has nothing to do with what I’m competent at. Besides, I already read some books on this stuff. They made sense, and I tried a couple of things and they actually worked. But after awhile I forgot to do them, so it didn’t last.”
“Really,” I say. And you’re surprised, because it sounds like I still want you to say more. So you do.
“Yeah,” you say. “It’s frustrating. I mean, maybe this stuff comes naturally to you, but I’m a salesperson. And with all the pressure and the workload and everything else I’m juggling, it’s hard to remember some idea I read in a book six months ago.”
“And so … ,” I reply understandingly, invitingly, but leaving the responsibility of where this conversation is going up to you.
You continue, “And so … well, okay, I know I’m starting to sound like a whiner. And I know that this stuff worked when I tried it before. Maybe what it boils down to is that I need to make a decision. I guess if I try your ideas and find out they really work, then I need to decide if this is the time when I persevere and keep using them. Then I won’t have to keep learning this stuff all over again.”
I respond, “You’ve spent a lot of time trying to use this stuff in a hit-or-miss way and you’ve gotten hit-or-miss results. I can understand why you’re frustrated, because that has to be a drag.”
“Yeah it is,” you reply, “but look, I know I’ve done it to myself. I hate it when I sound like a victim. I should just put my mind to it and do it and commit to doing it every day until it sticks.”
“You know,” I offer, “Here’s one thing that might help. A tip I give my clients is that if you keep doing the same behavior for 21 days it turns into a habit that’s easier to maintain. It’s kind of like dental flossing.” You think about that for a second, and give me a nod.
“So what do you want to do?” I ask. You pause, thinking about your situation: slumping sales, argumentative customers, the bills you can’t pay if you don’t meet your quotas. You fiddle for a minute with your salad. And then you conclude, “It’s not what I want to do—it’s what I need to do.”
I let that hang in the air while I drink my coffee. Then I ask, “How will you know when it’s finally time for you to do it?”
You think it over. And you say, “It’s probably now or never.”
“Okay,” I say. And before the main course arrives, we’re two allies agreeing to work together.
What just happened?
You started out mad, frustrated, and defensive, and you expected things to go downhill from there. After each angry thing you said, you paused, instinctively waiting for me to lecture you, confront you, or focus on your counterproductive behavior. If I’d done any of those things, you probably would have dug your heels in and argued with me—even if you secretly agreed with what I said.
So I did just the opposite. Instead of shutting you down, I encouraged you to go deeper by using words like “Hmmm,” “Really,” and “And so.” Each time I did that, you calmed down a little more. As a result, by the end of our talk, you weren’t trying to tell me why you’d fail. In fact, you were working hard to convince me that you’d succeed.
“Hmmm …” is a tool to use when you’re facing a person who’s angry, defensive, and sure you’re the bad guy. It works in a wide range of settings—everything from a hostage crisis to an angry customer scenario—because it rapidly turns a potential brawl into a cooperative dialogue. Here’s why.
Most people do exactly the wrong thing when confronted by an angry or upset person. They say well-intentioned things, such as “okay, just calm down”—or they lose it and get angry themselves. (“Oh yeah? Well, you may think my ideas are just crap, but you’re wrong, and I can prove it.”) Both of these approaches generally have disastrous results. Make the other person angry, and you’ll get into a shouting match. Ask the person politely to calm down, and you’ll send the condescending and infuriating message: “I’m sane, and you’re a flaming nutball.” The response, in either case, will be a dramatic shift to resistance on the other person’s part.
“Hmmm … ,” conversely, is a potent deescalator. When you use this approach, you’re not trying to shut someone up; instead, you’re telling the other person, “You’re important to me and so is your problem.” And that brings us right back to those mirror neurons.
When people go on the attack it’s usually because they feel (rightly or wrongly) that they’ve been treated poorly. That’s especially true if you’re dealing with angry and frustrated customers. Often such people feel hurt in many areas of life but save their “road rage” for outbursts that they believe won’t get them fired, divorced, or arrested—like kicking the dog or yelling at you.
Becoming defensive or counterattacking simply reinforces the idea that you think these people are wrong and unimportant (and stupid), which amplifies their mirror neuron gap and fuels their fire. When you make a counterintuitive move and encourage them to talk, you do the opposite: You mirror respect and interest, and they feel compelled to send the same message back.
“Hmmm …” is what I call a “relationship deepener.” It tells people that what they say is important, worth listening to, and worthy of some sort of action. You’ll notice, however, that it commits you to nothing. The sole purpose is to calm a person to the point where you can identify the actual problem and come up with a realistic solution.
For these reasons I recommend “hmmm …” as your first line of defense if you’re dealing with a client or customer meltdown. Here’s an example of how it works.
CUSTOMER (BELLIGERENTLY): Your company has sold me a piece of junk for the last time! Your products stink, your service is worse, and you’re just a bunch of greedy liars.
YOU (IN AN ENCOURAGING VOICE, AS IF YOU WANT TO HEAR MORE): Hmmm….
CUSTOMER (ANGRILY): What do you mean, “Hmmm!?”
YOU (FIRMLY AND CALMLY): I was just thinking how important it is that we fix, correct, or do something about this as soon as possible or else it’s just going to get worse. And I don’t think worse would be a good place to go. Don’t you agree?
CUSTOMER (BEGINNING TO BACKTRACK AND CALM DOWN): Er, uh, well, yeah. But I’ll be amazed if you actually help me. You have no idea how much trouble I’ve had with you.
YOU (INVITINGLY): Tell me more.
CUSTOMER: Really? You got all day? Well, okay, you asked for it. For one thing, the last GPS unit you sent me didn’t work. And when I sent it back for repairs, you gave me back an old rebuilt unit that was all scratched up and looked like crap.
YOU: I can see why you were upset. What else can you tell me about the problems you’ve had with us?
CUSTOMER (MELLOWING): Well … um … most of the other stuff was actually pretty minor. And they did exchange that crappy unit for a better one when I complained. But now this unit I ordered for my wife’s car isn’t working. And when I tried sending an e-mail about the problem, they never replied.
YOU: Alright, let’s make sure we get that problem handled as quickly as we can. I think it probably has to do with a software glitch we’ve corrected, and we can fix it with a patch you can download. In case that doesn’t work, I’m going to give you my direct line so we can find another solution. But before we get to that, is there anything else you’d like to share about your experiences with us?
CUSTOMER: Um. Just that I’m not too impressed with your company’s customer service. Well, except for now. Maybe it’s getting better. And hey, I’m sorry that I yelled at you because I know that what happened before isn’t your fault.
YOU: No problem at all. I can understand what you’re going through. Now, let’s figure out what’s going on with your new unit….
Read through that dialogue again, and you’ll spot an interesting detail. Initially your customer’s bullets are aimed straight at your heart: Your products stink; your service stinks; you’re a liar; you suck. But after a few minutes, things subtly start to change. Somewhere along the line, your customer becomes mad at “them” or “your company.” Why? Because the customer now feels like you two are on the same side and doesn’t want to hurt you. Once that shift occurs, you can stop ducking for cover and start working together to solve the problem.
Because “hmmm …” can turn a person from enemy to ally so quickly, you’re also likely to find it extraordinarily effective in your personal life—especially in those tinderbox encounters where one wrong word can spark a conflagration. One caution, however: You’re more likely to react viscerally to a partner’s or child’s rage than you are to the anger of someone you don’t know, so get your head in the right place before you open your mouth. Once you’ve done the “Oh F#@& to OK” Speed Drill I describe in Chapter 3, and you’re sure you have yourself under control, try something like this.
YOUR PARTNER: I can’t believe it. I mean, I just can’t believe it. You promised we’d finally get away for a weekend and now you’re backing out. That’s so like you.
YOU: Hmmm….
YOUR PARTNER: Hmmm? What’s that supposed to mean?
YOU: Just that I know how important this trip was to you, and I’m really sorry the project ran overtime and I can’t get away.
YOUR PARTNER: You always say something like that. It’s always some life-or-death thing at work. I hate it.
YOU: And so….
YOUR PARTNER: And so I wish you’d get a different job where there’s not so much pressure. Or I wish you’d stop making plans when you know you’ll have to break them. Or … I don’t know. I wish crap like this didn’t always happen. And I know you do too, and I know you’re stuck with this job right now. And I guess it’s no fun for you either. I’m sorry, but I’m just really angry right now. Sorry I went off on you.
Once again, you’ll notice that your goal isn’t to solve the specific problem you’re facing (although it can sometimes happen). Instead, it’s to avoid talking at each other, move beyond talking to each other, and with luck end up talking with each other. When that happens, you reach a place where you and the other person can work together as allies to handle an issue instead of devolving into hurtful attacks on each other.
“Hmmm” is just one of many phrases that can rapidly defuse a conversation that’s escalating. Others include: “Really?” “And so … ,” “Tell me more,” “Then what happened?” and “What else can you tell me?” Of all these, “Hmmm …” is my favorite opening line because it catches people off guard—and catching people off guard is a good way to stop a meltdown. Move a person from hostility to mild confusion and already you’ve moved one step in the right direction.
However, it doesn’t matter which exact words or phrases you pick. The key is how you use them: not to argue, defend, or make excuses, but to say: “You’re important. Your problem is important. And I’m listening.” Get that message across, and your problem—no matter what it is—is already more than halfway to a solution.
Usable Insight
Don’t get defensive; go deeper.
Action Step
Still not sure about the “Hmmm …” technique? Okay. Then this time, I’ll do something different and take the action step myself, by imagining still another conversation with you. Here’s how it might go.
YOU: This sounds like a bunch of psychological crap. Why can’t you give me something I can use!?
ME: Hmmm….
YOU: Don’t try your “Hmmm” b.s. on me!
ME: You sound angry—or is it just frustrated?
YOU: It’s more frustrated. I have to get through to some people, and I’ve been hitting my head against a wall and the pressure’s getting to me.
ME: Really….
YOU: Yeah, if I don’t get through to these potential customers, I won’t get the sale I need to meet my numbers.
ME: Tell me more.
YOU: “With this crazy economy, everyone at my company is under pressure to bring in more sales and if we don’t we’re just asking to get laid off.”
ME: So you’re scared that might happen to you.
YOU: Yeah, I’m getting more and more uptight—which is making me impatient with everyone and everything, including reading this book.”
ME: How scared are you?
YOU (A LITTLE CHOKED UP): Real scared.
ME (PAUSING TO LET YOU EXHALE): So even though you’ve been scared before and bounced back, you’re worried that if you’re fired you won’t bounce back this time.
YOU: Kinda, but I have always bounced back. In fact I’m thinking if I do well, I’ll keep this job; but if I don’t do well, I’ll find another job just like I always have—and maybe in a company that’s not going through the same tough times. I mean, I am a great salesperson.
ME: So it’s not you, it’s your company. It’s tough to sell stuff that customers don’t need or want, but when you’re selling something that people want, you do okay.
YOU: I do better than okay; I do great!
ME: And so?
YOU: And so I have nothing to lose. If I do the best I can, and it doesn’t work out, it’s not me—it’s my company, and I can go elsewhere.
ME: Hmmm.
YOU (LAUGHING): “There you go with that ‘hmmm’ again.
ME: Maybe it worked with you.
YOU (RELAXED): And maybe I need to read this chapter over again.