What did Tyrell do to transform Vince from a problem to a powerhouse in 30 minutes? He used an approach that takes everyone by surprise. I call it the Reverse Play (because it’s exactly the opposite of what people expect), and it’s an in-your-face version of the Empathy Jolt I described in Chapter 14.

I strongly recommend the Reverse Play if you’re dealing with someone who has the skills and ability to do a job, but isn’t giving 100 percent. Here’s how you do it.

1.   First, tell the person that you’d like to get together for 10 minutes. Set a time when you can have the person’s undivided attention; if the person wants to meet with you immediately, respectfully say, “No, you’re in the middle of something and it isn’t a life-or-death matter. It’ll wait until you’re not distracted by anything else.”

2.   Prepare yourself for the meeting by thinking of three specific, legitimate ways in which the other person may be disappointed or frustrated with you. For instance: Tina thinks I always give her the least interesting projects. She’s probably frustrated because I didn’t give her a big enough budget to get the equipment she’d like. And she’s probably mad because she inherited lots of problems created by the last person in her job, and sometimes I blame her for them. It doesn’t matter how frustrated or disappointed you are; set all of your own issues to one side, and think like the other person.

3.   When the time for your meeting arrives, the other person will be expecting you to criticize or be confrontational. Instead, say, “You’re probably waiting for me to lay out a list of complaints, like I usually do. However, I was thinking about the reasons why you might be disappointed in me. You’re probably afraid to tell me about these things, because you figure I’ll get defensive. I think these things are….” Then lay out the three things that you suspect disappoint the person most about you.

4.   End with, “Is that true? If not, what are the things that most frustrate you about me?” Then listen to whatever the person says, pause, and say, “And how much do those things bother you?”

5.   After the person replies (probably rather timidly), respond sincerely with, “Really … I didn’t know and I guess I didn’t want to know. I’m sorry and I’ll try to do better in the future.”

6.   Then stop. If the person asks, “Is there anything else?,” say sincerely, “No, that’s all I wanted to say—I really appreciate what you’ve told me.” If the person persists and asks why you’ve initiated this conversation, respond with something like this: “I know I make mistakes, and I know that people may be hesitant to point them out to me. And I know I can do a better job myself, and create a better work environment, if I’m aware of what I’m doing wrong.”

Why should you do this, when it’s the last thing you want to do? Because it works when other approaches don’t. Ignore a slacker, and the problem will continue and probably escalate. Confront the person, expecting to receive an apology and a promise to reform, and you’re likely to create an enemy who’ll look for every opportunity to covertly work against you.

But do the unexpected by apologizing yourself, and something very different occurs: You shift a person instantly out of defensive mode and cause the individual to mirror your humility and concern. Taking responsibility for your actions and committing to correct your faults in the future also demonstrates tremendous graciousness, generosity, and poise, and turns you into a person worthy of respect.

As a result, that same person who’s always circumvented or ignored or sniped at you will dramatically shift course. You’ve caused this person to respect and admire you and, as a result, the person will now worry about disappointing you. Often, you’ll see an instant change in attitude and work performance as a result.

You can use this same technique at home with children (with whom it’s particularly effective), as well as with friends and family. For example, watch how Dana uses it to salvage a friendship with a once-close friend who’s disappointed her more than once.

SHARON (ARRIVING LATE FOR LUNCH AND ALREADY DEFENSIVE): Hi, sorry I’m late. Just add it to the list of things you’re probably mad about. I know you’re pissed off that I missed your party for Joe, and I forgot to return that dress you wanted to wear….

DANA: No, don’t worry, this isn’t a bitchfest. Actually, I wanted to do just the opposite. I’ve been thinking about our friendship, and I’ve realized that I haven’t been as good a friend as I should be lately.

SHARON: What?

DANA: Yeah, I’m betting that you’re getting tired of me always complaining about little stuff like the dress. And not appreciating that you’re more spontaneous than me, and you don’t always like me to plan your life. And talking too much about Joe and me, and not paying enough attention to you….

SHARON: Whoa, girl, it’s okay! Well, yeah, maybe some of that stuff bugs me, but I don’t expect you to be perfect. But hey, since you mention it, I do appreciate you understanding how I feel. And I guess I do feel a little hurt when you bring Joe along every time we get together, when sometimes I’d like to just have a girl talk.

DANA: I’m sorry. Does that drive you crazy?

SHARON (LAUGHING): Yeah, but probably not as crazy as me canceling on you all the time. I’m really sorry about that—I’m trying to get more organized, but you know me and my ADHD. I’ll really try to do better…. our friendship means a lot to me, and I need to work harder at it.

In addition to using a Reverse Play to disarm and remotivate a recalcitrant subordinate or friend, you can use it to repair a relationship that you have messed up.

I did just that with a former best friend from my medical internship. Young and oversensitive, I’d felt hurt by something innocent this person had done. As a result, I’d failed to stay in touch with him when, after our internship, he moved 90 miles away.

In a nutshell, we lost contact for nearly 20 years. Then one day I realized that I was wrong for holding onto this grudge for so long, and I was violating my commitment to not be a grudge holder after seeing so many unforgiving people grow up to be unhappy and even bitter.

I called my friend out of the blue and said, “Frank, I’m calling because I think I’ve been holding onto a minor grudge against you for all these years for something I can’t even remember. I don’t think it was anything you did, but my oversensitive reaction caused me to lose contact with you. So I decided to call you and see how you and your family are, because we were the best of friends during our internship.”

Now, Frank was one of the most normal, upbeat, liked, and respected people during our internship (he won the best intern award), and he hadn’t changed. So he responded as if we’d never stopped being friends, “Hey Mark, great to hear from you. I never thought there was any rift between us, I just thought we moved away and got busy with our lives.”

After briefly catching up, we finished the call a few minutes later. Talk about feeling foolish—I felt like an incredibly neurotic psychiatrist (you’re thinking, “Aren’t they all?”).

But that’s not the end of the story. My call and my apology must have touched Frank, because two days later he called and said, “Hey, Mark, what are you doing this weekend? If you’re around, I’d like to bring my family down to Los Angeles and come and meet yours.”

While I used the Reverse Play to counter a grudge I’d created myself, typically you’ll use it on another person who’s creating a problem. The Reverse Play can move a person from defiance to cooperation in a heartbeat, but make sure you choose the right targets when you employ this approach. The approach works best with people who are “trainable”—those who just need a little incentive to shape up. It works less well (or not at all) with the takers and narcissists I talk about in Chapter 11, because they’re not into reciprocating.

However, if you’re not sure whether to continue a relationship or abandon it, you can try using the Reverse Play as a diagnostic test. People who respond to it by boosting their performance and working to earn your respect are keepers. As for those who continue to disappoint you instead of reciprocating your humility, don’t go ballistic and strike back as you’ll be tempted to do. Instead, just say “goodbye.”

  Usable Insight

An ounce of apology is worth a pound of resentment and a ton of “acting out by underperforming.”

  Action Step

Think of someone who’s disappointing you and invite the person to lunch or dinner. Before you go, rate your disappointment with the person on a 1-to-5 scale (with 5 being “extremely disappointed”). During your meeting, use the Reverse Play to apologize for anything you’ve done that might have annoyed, upset, or offended the other person.

One month after your lunch, think about the person’s behavior since your meeting and rate your level of disappointment with the person. Is it significantly lower? Then your approach worked. Is it the same or higher? If so, think about easing that person out of your life—because you’re probably dealing with a narcissist who’ll cause you nothing but problems in the future.