SIDE BY SIDE
Benefit: Lower another person’s guard and move the person from resistance to listening.
A preaching point is not a meeting point.
—MOTHER TERESA, FOUNDER OF THE MISSIONS OF CHARITY IN CALCUTTA
It’s the weekend, and Will and his 15-year-old son, Evan, are driving to the sporting goods store. Evan is hoping to make his school’s archery team, and Will’s taking him to pick out some new arrows.
Evan, uncommunicative as only a teenager can be, taps his foot to the music on his iPod. As they drive, Will talks idly about stuff at home and at work. He throws out some ideas for the family’s upcoming vacation, thinks out loud about grilling some steaks when they get home, and then talks a little about one of his coworkers who’s making problems for everybody.
The guy, Will says, has always been a pain in the butt, and everybody knew he’d screw up eventually. Then he says casually, “Tell me, which of your friends do you think is most likely to get into big trouble some day?”
“Huh?” says Evan, taken by surprise. He’s not thrilled with having to field a question, but it sounds better than the usual “Are you bringing up your Spanish grade?” or “We need to talk about that orange hair.”
“Yeah,” Will continues, “I was just wondering which of your friends takes too many chances and will probably get into major problems sometime—and, more importantly, what makes you think it will be that particular person?”
Caught off-guard by the fact that his dad is soliciting his opinion, Evan considers the question. Then he responds, in an unusually cooperative fashion, “I think it’ll be Jake, because once he gets on a roll, nobody can stop him, and he’s already messed up a couple times.”
“Really,” Will responds, resisting the temptation to offer unsolicited advice or input and instead keeping the conversation going.
“Yeah, he already did a couple of things that got him grounded. I don’t think he and his parents get along real well,” Evan continues.
“Well, I guess it will be interesting to see if your prediction comes true. By the way, if he gets in trouble, what will you probably do?” Will adds.
“Geez, I don’t know,” Evan says. He thinks about it for a minute. “I guess since I’m his friend, I’ll try and help him out somehow and probably try to keep him from doing it again.”
“He’s lucky to have you as a friend,” Will concludes.
“Yeah, I guess I’m pretty okay in that department,” Evan finishes.
So … what was that all about?
Will is getting his son to open up to him by using a technique I call Side by Side. It’s based on the following three facts.
Sitting people down and lecturing them rarely works, because it makes them defensive—and when they’re defensive, they hide things from you. Work side by side with them in a cooperative activity, however, and you’ll lower their guard and get them to open up. That’s why hostage negotiators try to get hostage takers to commit to a shared activity, such as allowing food or medical supplies into a building. It’s also why the elders at an Amish barn-raising or quilting bee uncover more deep secrets than a spy in bed with a drunken politician.
Questioning works better than telling. That’s why Will didn’t tell Evan, “Don’t let your friends get you into trouble.” Instead, he asked questions that made Evan think, “Who’s likely to get into trouble, and what should I do if it happens?” In other words, Will didn’t talk down to Evan, or talk at him. Instead, the two talked side by side emotionally as well as physically.
When you allow one revelation to lead to another without getting in the way, you learn even more. So rather than doing a “bait and switch” by luring his son into a conversation that ended with a lecture (“Well, you’d better avoid Jake, or he’ll get you into trouble too”), Will employed a conversation deepener (“Really”) and a second question that enabled Evan to share even more.
These elements of the Side-by-Side approach—asking questions during a shared moment, and then deepening the conversation with more questions—are as powerful as communication gets: so powerful that they form the core of the Socratic Method. Socrates never told anybody anything; he just walked around town with people asking them questions until they figured out the answers themselves, and in the process he helped create Western civilization.
However, this technique isn’t just for parents or philosophers. It’s also the basis for the effectiveness of MBWA (managing by walking around), a management technique that’s been used successfully for decades. It’s an outstanding tool for accomplishing two goals: finding out what’s really going on in your area, and creating affinity with coworkers in the process.
One advantage of the Side-by-Side technique is that it doesn’t focus on things a person did wrong in the past. Instead, you can use it to explore ways to make things go right in the future—just as Will did when he asked Evan what he’d do if his friend got in trouble. So instead of delving into a person’s past screw-ups, you give the person a chance to avoid future ones.
The Side-by-Side approach is simple: join the other person in an activity (preferably one in which you can be helpful—but even eating lunch together is good), and then ask questions designed to gain insight into what the person is doing, thinking, and feeling. Here’s an example.
GRAHAM (NOTICING VICTORIA, A SUBORDINATE, PREPARING INFORMATION PACKETS FOR A CLIENT MEETING): Wow, that’s a big pile of paperwork you’re handling. Here, hand me some of those folders—I’ve got some free time, and I’ll be glad to help out.
VICTORIA: Thanks. I appreciate it.
GRAHAM (AFTER A FEW MINUTES OF HELPING): So, what do you think about this material we’re giving the clients?
VICTORIA: I hadn’t really thought about it. I guess now that you mention it, it seems like a lot of stuff for them to wade through.
GRAHAM: What’s your impression of how useful it is?
VICTORIA: Well, it seems like when clients talk to us on the phone, they want to know if the new system is easy to learn and if the training is quick. I’m not sure they want to know all this complicated information about the new technology. They just want to know how fast they can integrate it.
GRAHAM: What other thoughts are you picking up from clients?
VICTORIA: I know sometimes they’re a little confused by our documentation. Maybe we should look at simplifying it….
The Side-by-Side technique is easy to use, but it comes with three cautions. The biggest one is: When you get people to lower their guard, don’t violate their trust. Do not use this technique to troll for negative information, or people will feel like you’re trying to spy on them or trap them rather than trying to learn from them. Accept negative information with grace, but don’t seek it out.
Also, don’t argue with the person you’re talking with. If he or she says something you disagree with, resist the urge to explain why you’re right. Instead, deepen the conversation by asking another question. Here’s an example,
SUE (MIGUEL’S MANAGER): Hey, looks like the new company newsletter is almost done. Wow, it looks great—super job. Want me to help with the proofing?
MIGUEL: Sure. I’m glad you like it. But I’m not totally happy about it, because I don’t think the new administrative building should be the lead story.
SUE: What is it about the story you don’t like?
MIGUEL: It’s boring. Nobody cares except the boss. He’s the one who insisted on it.
SUE: What would you like to see in the next issue?
MIGUEL: Something the employees care about, not just the boss.
SUE: What do you think would interest them?
MIGUEL: More stuff about the changes in the vacation policy. I had three people ask me just today if they can get more information about that. Some of them think the new policy is unfair to long-term employees, and they want to know why the company decided to make the changes.
Note that when Miguel criticizes the boss’s idea, Sue doesn’t say, “Well, he’s the boss, so he gets to make the decisions”—a complete conversation stopper. And she doesn’t argue (“Hey, lots of people want to know what the new building’s going to look like”), which would alienate him. Instead, she lets him go deeper—and in the process, she uncovers an issue affecting company morale.
And that brings me to my third caution: When you ask people questions, respect their answers. If they offer a good idea, act on it (and let them know that you did). Even if they’re off base, acknowledge their remarks with a comment like, “That’s worth thinking about” or “I hadn’t looked at it that way.” If the situation warrants, acknowledge a comment by saying “Smart idea” or “I’m glad you’re on our team—I need people with creative ideas like that.”
If you’re a manager or CEO, use the Side-by-Side approach on a regular basis, and you’ll see a variety of results. You’ll nip toxic rumors in the bud. Employers who started out as strangers will warm up to you. And you’ll do your own job faster, better, and more easily because you’ll gain a deeper understanding of the people around you.
I was a second-year psychiatry resident at UCLA, and a nurse on the oncology floor was responding to my question: “What has Mrs. Franklin been saying and doing since the MRI showed that her breast cancer is back?”
“She’s been crying a lot and her family and her oncologist are trying to reassure her that it’s still treatable,” the nurse replied.
I continued: “In your experience, what works best in these situations?”
Jane, Mrs. Franklin’s lead nurse, joined in, offering: “The more we allow people to have their feelings and become sad or angry, the quicker it passes. Some of the younger oncologists get uncomfortable with their patients’ emotions and their anxiety throws a monkey wrench in the works.”
Rather than making the new-doctor mistake of trying to sound like I knew it all, I asked, “Jane you’re obviously very experienced about this. What could you say to those doctors to help them and help the patient get through the bad news easier?”
“Hmm,” Jane thought. “I could tell the doctors that I know they care, but it might go smoother if they allow their patients to have a strong initial reaction after hearing bad news. It’s helpful to tell them, ‘I understand you’re upset—do you have any questions now? Otherwise I’ll give you a little time to adjust to the news and be back in a couple hours to check back with you and we can talk more about it then.’”
“That’s a great plan,” I said gratefully. “Jane, you really know your stuff and really care about the patients and the doctors. I’ll check back tomorrow, and you can fill me in on how it went.”
Not only did this Side-by-Side interaction solve one of the problems I had been called to handle—it did so without my having to write up one of the dreaded formal consultation reports that we residents hated.
As a result of my “consulting by walking around,” I wound up doing nearly the most consultations and the fewest written formal consultations of all the psychiatric residents assigned to the consultation service during my six-month stint. More important, writing up fewer consultations enabled me to spend more time face-to-face with the cancer patients I was there to help.
Usable Insight
When you can’t get through face to face, try side by side.
Action Step
If you’re a manager, use the Side-by-Side technique to find out what’s going on with your most productive employee and see if you can uncover ways to make that person even happier about working for you. Then turn around and use it with your least productive employee, and see if you can discover any clues about why the person underperforms.