My daughter, preparing to interview with a senior manager at a Wall Street financial firm, asked me, “What question could I ask that would help me stand out from the crowd?”

An hour and a half later, she beeped me in the middle of a meeting and excitedly said, “Dad, I asked him the question you suggested, and he reacted exactly like you said he would. He glanced up toward the ceiling for a moment and said, ‘That’s a great question and something I don’t have an answer to, but should.’ He really connected with me after that.”

Here’s what my daughter said to earn this interviewer’s interest. When he asked her if she had a question, she responded with this:

“I’d like you to imagine it’s a year from now, and you and your bosses are reviewing the people you’ve hired this year—and when it comes to this position, they say, ‘Get us 10 more like that one. That person was one of the best hires we’ve had in a long time.’ Can you tell me what that person did for them and you to get such a rave review?”

I knew the question would work. I also told my daughter how she’d know it worked: by watching the interviewer’s eyes. Because at the moment he glanced up and away, she’d know she’d moved him from transaction to transformation.

NEGOTIATING VERSUS RELATING

These days, we don’t relate—we transact. Lovers and married couples negotiate everything from dinner to vacations to sex. Parents negotiate with kids about getting ready for school and doing their homework. Managers negotiate when they’re not coercing. Everyone’s into “What will you do for me?” and “What do I need to do in return?”

Transacting is fine if your goal is to exchange information or negotiate contracts, but it has a fatal flaw: it doesn’t open the mind or the heart. A transactional communication is like an encounter with your ATM. Money comes out of your bank account, money goes into your hand, and everything’s utterly fair—but you don’t feel like saying “Gosh, thanks!” when it’s over.

Transactional communications don’t create traction in a relationship because they’re impersonal and shallow. These exchanges won’t necessarily drive people away—my daughter could have asked her interviewer, “What are the health benefits that come with the job?” without upsetting the person—but they won’t draw people closer either. Like the ATM transaction, they’re rarely life-changing events, and they’re “all about you” instead of “all about the other person or company.”

To create such a life-changing event, you need to move beyond transacting to relating. How? By asking questions that let the other person tell you: “This is what I think,” This is who I am,” “This is what I want to achieve,” or “This is how you can play a part in making my life better.”

Years ago, for instance, I realized that most of the CEOs and managers I meet are not just smart but also wise—but they don’t often get a chance to share their wisdom. They’re focused so intently on the mundane day-to-day problems of running a business that they rarely have the opportunity to think deeply and creatively and use their highest and usually considerable intellectual abilities. That creates frustration, even if it’s on an unconscious level.

When I ask these people questions that let them open their minds and express their intelligence, I witness a peculiar phenomenon: These hurried professionals, whose most valuable resource is time, hunger to spend more of that time with me. Nearly a third of the time they tell their assistants to hold all calls, go over the allotted time with me, walk me from their corner offices to the entrance of their company to have more time with me, or say to me: “Darn it Mark, please remind me that we run out of time whenever we meet, so we can schedule more time or meet for dinner.”

I get this response for a simple reason: I’m satisfying the mirror neuron gap I talked about in Chapter 2. These people work hard and do their best, and they want the world to acknowledge that they’re intelligent, valuable, and creative. But rather than receiving acknowledgment and appreciation for their ideas and talent, they typically hear “The board won’t like those numbers” or “Where’s the cost analysis?” or “Your department’s late with the monthly report.” This makes them feel like little more than cogs in the wheel.

I’m truly fascinated by these people as human beings, not just cogs, and I let them know it—often with a single question. The result, typically, is active consideration or even immediate buy-in to what I’m saying.

For instance, a while back, I met with Bill, the senior vice president of a software company. We talked at some length about the reason for our meeting, ostensibly to deal with a personnel problem at his firm. Bill, clearly an intelligent and interesting guy, was firmly in transacting mode: When are you available? How long will you need? How much is this going to cost?

After a half-hour or so of this, I said to Bill: “To help me better understand if and how I can help you, tell me what your company and specifically your department is trying to accomplish that’s critical and important, and why your company selected that goal.”

Bill paused, looked up to the ceiling for a few moments, and replied: “That’s a very good question, and I’ll need to think about it more.”

At that point, I could feel our relationship moving to a higher level. In a manner of speaking, Bill “saw the sky.” He stepped outside the little world of bargaining and strategizing and quid-pro-quos and thought about the big picture for his company and his own future. By allowing him to do that I created a connection with him, and when his eyes met mine again, our conversation was no longer a negotiation but a dialogue.

The key to crafting a transformational question is simple: Ask yourself, “What single question will show this person that I’m interested in his or her ideas, interests, future success, or life?” Then ask it. Here are some examples.

   “If you could change one thing about the direction of your company, what would it be?”

   “If there is one thing I can do to help you move more quickly toward your goals, what would it be?”

   “What’s the one thing you’re proudest of accomplishing?”

To see why questions like these have a more powerful effect than transactional questions, let’s look at two different scenarios. Both involve Noemi, who’s starting her first day at a new job, and her boss. Here’s the first.

BOSS: Hi Noemi, how’s it going?

NOEMI: Great, thanks. I appreciate your assistant’s help. The first day is always a little confusing, but I’m getting the hang of things.

BOSS: Great. If you have any questions, just talk with my assistant.

NOEMI: Okay, thanks. Oh, and do you know where I can get a stapler?

BOSS: Sure, just check the supply closet. And can you get me the Johnson files by tonight?

There’s nothing wrong with this conversation, but Noemi is making zero impression on her boss right now. If he remembers anything at all about her later on, it’ll be the stapler.

Now, picture the impression she’ll make with this conversation.

BOSS: Hi Noemi, how’s it going?

NOEMI: Great, thanks. I appreciate your assistant’s help. Oh, and before you go, do you have a second for two quick questions?

BOSS: Um, sure. What are they?

NOEMI: Just to make sure I get off on the right foot—what are three things you’d like me to always do, and three things you’d like me to never do?

BOSS: Um. Wow. (Looking up and away.) Interesting question. I may have to think about it and get back to you. But right off the top of my head, I’d say never try to cover up a problem—just tell me up front about it, so I don’t get blindsided. And [laughing] always put my wife through, even if I’m on another line. Otherwise, I’ll hear about it when I get home. Oh—and you know Leo, who’s going to be working with you on the Bradley account? I know you millennials tend to treat Boomers as old timers, but he’s the best person on my team, so pay a lot of attention to what he has to say.

The questions Noemi asks her boss in the second scenario are simple ones—much simpler than “What do you want to do with your life?” or “What direction do you want your company to take?” But they accomplish a similar goal: They take the conversation out of transactional mode (Where’s my stapler?/Can you get me the files?) and move it to a higher plane (What’s important to you? How can I help?).

The boss who hears Noemi’s questions will stop and think, and when he makes eye contact with her again, he’ll be seeing her in a new light. From that point on, she’ll be a colleague—not just somebody who needs a stapler.

How’s This for a Sales Pitch?

I often speak to sales and marketing teams at pharmaceutical companies, including Eli Lilly, Astra Zenica, and Bristol Myers Squibb, at off-sites, but I also enjoy helping drug sales reps who visit me in my capacity as a clinical psychiatrist. (I maintain a small clinical psychiatric practice, just to get the free samples. Just joking…. C’mon, lighten up.)

I tell them what would work to get through to me, and they use this information successfully to get through to other physicians. First, I explain that most physicians work harder today to make the same amount of money they made 10 years ago, all the time watching other people with fewer years of training make much more money and have more financial security.

I also tell them that most physicians feel that they take care of everyone—family, aging parents, front office staff—while many feel, but don’t dwell on the fact, that nobody takes care of them. (Talk about a huge mirror neuron gap!) In fact, many will say that the best way to care about them is to not add any more responsibilities to their plate.

Also, by the nature of their practices, physicians are almost completely transactional—”Tell me your symptom, let me examine you for signs and test you for lab results, and I’ll come up with a diagnosis and treatment plan…. Next?”

So if a sales rep wants to shift to a transformational and more memorable conversation, I tell the rep to say the following to the physician at the end of a sales presentation: “Excuse me, Dr. X, do you have a couple minutes for me to ask you a different question?”

Most doctors will be annoyed, thinking the salesperson is going to hit on them for free medical advice, but out of civility will say, “Go ahead.”

Then I tell the rep to follow with: “I’ve heard from many physicians that it’s not as much fun as it used to be and that they have to work longer and harder just to keep up. You guys work so hard, I just wanted to know if it’s still fun for you to be a doctor.”

The sales reps who report back tell me that most doctors are completely caught off guard and disarmed, and then look up to reflect and respond with: “You know, it is harder being a doctor, and I’m not sure I would recommend it to my children, but it’s still fun. Almost every day, I get to make a difference in a patient’s life and when I see the relief I can give someone, it still gives me a lift.”

Sometimes a doctor even says “thank you,” and it nearly always makes the reps memorable. And if these reps’ medications are as good as their competitors’, these doctors will often give the reps’ products a try.

So if you’re a pharmaceutical company rep, here’s the formula you want to remember: Caring = More Rx’s written. Not a bad ROI (Return On a little more Investment of time).

WHAT QUESTION WOULD MAKE YOU LOOK UP?

One great thing about the “eyes-to-the-sky” technique is that you can use it to reach even the most difficult person you communicate with: yourself. Did you ever stop to think about how much of your internal conversation is transactional? If you’re like most people, your inner monologue goes something like this: If I eat this doughnut, I’ll need to spend more time at the gym. Jeez, I’m late, and Sally will be mad at me. Too bad, she was late last time, so I’m probably okay. Damn, I didn’t get the taxes done yet. I’ll need to stay up late. I should be spending more time with the kids….

The next time you catch yourself running on that transactional hamster wheel, try something different. Stop what you’re doing, and sit down. Take a breath. And say to yourself: “What would I like to be doing with my life this time next year?” or “What do I need more or less of in my life right now?” or “If my kids looked at me 20 years from now, what would make them proud of me?”

Ask the right question of yourself, and you’ll find your eyes moving up—a clear sign that your mind is opening up to new possibilities. Answer your own question (“I’d like to be spending more time with my family,” “I need to spend less time in pointless meetings,” “I want my kids to be proud that I took chances instead of always playing it safe”) and you’ll deepen your relationship with the most important person in your life: the person in the mirror.

  Usable Insight

Cause people to look up and reflect on what you’ve asked them, and when they look back down at you, the conversation will never be the same again…. It’ll be better.

  Action Step

The next time you’re stuck in one of those transactional conversational ruts with a partner or family member—say, arguing over who’s going to do the laundry or take out the trash—stop, smile, and say: “What’s something fun or important that you think you and I should do within the next five years?” Then see how fast you move from “It’s your turn to do dishes” to a new and better life plan.