When you and a prospective customer or client first meet, the playing field is level. As soon as you sell or try to convince the other person of anything, the power shifts to the client. The key is to keep clients pursuing you right out of the gate.

The secret to this is to invite these people into a conversation rather than asking questions that put them on the defensive—and that’s where the Fill-in-the-Blanks approach comes in.

When you ask direct questions, you’re hoping to communicate a sincere interest. The people on the receiving end of your questions, however, can feel challenged, like a schoolchild being put on the spot by a teacher or coach. Sensitive questions posed at the right times can powerfully transform a relationship (see Chapters 6 and 19), but hitting a new client with a transactional question like “What do you want?” or “Can I show you why our product is better?” can create immediate resistance.

The Fill-in-the-Blanks approach has the opposite effect: it draws a person toward you. You don’t come off as a demanding teacher or coach; instead, you sound like a trusted uncle, aunt, grandfather, or grandmother who’s saying: “C’mon. Let’s talk this out and find a solution.”

Try this yourself, and see if you sense the difference between the two techniques. First, picture me sitting across from you and saying, “So, what do you expect to get from this book?” A little intimidating, isn’t it? Now picture me saying in an encouraging way, “You’re reading this book because you want to learn how to __________. And the reason it’s important for you to learn how to do that now is __________. And if you could learn that and put it into action now, it would benefit you by __________.” If you’re like most people, you’ll feel willing and in fact a little eager to open up and share your thoughts with me.

Asking people to fill in the blanks also eliminates the threat of dissonance. If you make the wrong assumption about a person’s needs or motives—for instance, thinking Mr. Jones is looking for “simple and cheap” when he really needs “fast and efficient”—you can lose a client or a sale. Let your client fill in the blanks, and you’ll have the right answers.

The Fill-in-the-Blanks approach works especially well in sales, where it catches people off guard because they’re braced for a hard sell. When you surprise them by doing something totally different, their barriers often fall quickly. This approach also figuratively and actually disarms people, because when you combine your words with an inviting hand gesture it typically causes people to uncross their arms and open their minds. Here’s an example.

DANA: Hi, thanks so much for taking the time to meet with me.

SANDHYA: You’re welcome. But I’m in a big hurry, and I’m really not sure we’re interested in your software right now. So can we do this fast?

DANA: Yes, and thanks for working me in when you’re so busy. Your assistant mentioned when I got here that you’re up against a big deadline.

SANDHYA: A life-or-death deadline, as a matter of fact. But I have about 15 minutes.

DANA: I appreciate it, and I’ll make sure we’re done on time. To start, I’m hoping to get a little information: You’re thinking of buying our software, or a product like it, because (gesturing invitingly with her hand) _________________.

SANDHYA: Well … because our current software isn’t doing the job for us. It drives us crazy because it crashes too often—and it’s way too slow. In fact, it’s one of the reasons we’re in such a panic about meeting this deadline now.

DANA: And by changing to our software or someone else’s, you’re hoping to accomplish __________________________________.

SANDHYA: More work! We need to be doing more in less time, and we can’t do that if the system crashes once or twice a week. That’s just unacceptable.

Voila!: instant traction. In fact, Sandhya’s actually doing a large part of Dana’s sales job for her by reviewing all the reasons why her company desperately needs new software. If Dana’s product truly is better, her odds of making a sale are looking good—even though she hasn’t said a single word about herself or her product yet.

Incidentally, Dana does two other smart things in her opening move that you should emulate. The first is to say “you’re thinking of buying …” because that’s more positive than “you’re trying to find,” which sounds like hard work, or “you need,” which implies a subservient position. “Thinking of buying” reinforces people’s belief that they’re in control and have positive options and choices.

Dana also talks about “our software or a product like it,” rather than just saying “our product.” (As a consultant, I use the words “me or someone like me.”) Acknowledging that a person can choose someone else or a different product makes a potential client feel less hit upon or cornered.

But the real force of the Fill-in-the-Blanks technique lies in the simple fact that you don’t tell people what they want or even ask them what they want. Instead, you get them to tell you what they want. This immediately makes people think, “Yes, yes—that’s why I’m here meeting with you.” As a result, you don’t need to put your foot in the door. Instead, the client or customer will open it for you, and invite you in.

THE NEVER AGAIN TOOL

Here’s a very different use for the Fill-in-the-Blanks technique: Use it to get through to yourself.

Just like everybody else (including me), you sometimes do excruciatingly dumb things. That’s not a big deal, unless you keep doing these same things over and over again.

If you ever find yourself trapped in a cycle of self-defeating behavior, break that cycle with a Fill-in-the-Blanks variant I call the Never Again Tool. It’s an excellent way to lower your own defenses and start an inner dialogue that can save you lots of trouble in the future.

To understand why, think about your typical response after you commit an impulsive or foolish act that hurts your career or infuriates your loved ones. Most likely, you say to yourself: “What a dumb ass! What a moron! I can’t believe how stupid you are. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Can you be any more stupid?” Or you say to yourself: “Hey, it wasn’t my fault. I can’t help it if our clients are jerks/the boss is an idiot who didn’t support me/my partner makes me lose my temper when she’s too critical.”

Neither of these reactions does you any good (although both are perfectly normal in those first horrible seconds when you realize you’ve messed up). If you don’t move quickly beyond these knee-jerk responses, you’ll set yourself up for future failure by convincing yourself either that (a) you’re an idiot who’ll keep screwing up or (b) the people around you are idiots who make you screw up and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Instead of laying the groundwork for your next disaster, do something different the next time you make a mistake. Take out an index card, write down the following words, and fill in the blanks with your answers:

1. If I had that to do over again, what I would do differently is:
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________.

2. I would do things differently because:
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________.

3. My commitment to do this (the new action) the next time is _______. (1 = won’t do it; 5 = maybe; 10 = will do it).

4. A good person to hold me accountable for doing this would be:
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________.

This is a powerful approach because you’re not wallowing in self-blame or deflecting responsibility onto someone else—two traps that allow you to avoid looking honestly at what really happened and why. Instead, you’re reframing your experience in a way that leads to positive action.

When you do this exercise, be sure to fill in that last blank by selecting a mentor who’ll keep you honest. Pick someone you trust and respect, and whose respect you desire in return. This is an excellent way to make yourself stop and think when you’re on the brink of repeating a big mistake.

  Usable Insight

Direct questions make people think you’re talking at them. Let them fill in the blanks, and they’ll feel you’re talking with them.

  Action Step

A big problem for many managers (especially women) is that they have trouble saying “no” to any request—even if their plates are already full. That’s because they’re responsible problem-solvers and they’re hard-wired to want to help. And that’s where filling in your own blank using the Never Again Tool can come in handy.

The problem is that saying “yes” too often leads to burnout, and it tends to make everyone unhappy if you’re spread too thin. If you keep saying “yes” when you need to say “I’m sorry, I’ll have to pass,” try the Never Again Tool on yourself. When it’s time to pick someone to hold you accountable, pick a partner or child who’s tired of having to fight for your attention.