One of the things I learned the hard way is that for the couple and their family, this is a rare and highly emotional event. But busy wedding photographers can view a wedding as just one job of many. This is entirely the wrong attitude to take. To my surprise, psychology is one of the most vital elements that separate an average wedding photographer from a reputable one. To understand why, let’s put ourselves in the shoes of a client’s family and friends.

They are attending a wedding of their loved ones to witness with love and support one of the most important rites of passage of a couple’s lives, to spend time with them, and to laugh, toast, and dance in celebration. And, now, here comes the wedding photographer. The moment the photographer arrives, the energy in the room changes completely. The bridesmaids or groomsmen don’t know you, nor do they care to know you. To make matters worse, from the moment we arrive, we begin to bark orders at people, telling them what to do, where to stand, how to dress themselves, where to look, and to smile on command. I mean . . . really? This is how they think of us. It is our job to change their low opinion of us, and quickly.

The job of a wedding photographer is challenging enough as it is. Without the cooperation of the people we were hired to photograph, we are completely doomed. Ultimately, it is your responsibility to deliver superb photographs to the couple. Excuses such as, “People didn’t want to be photographed!” or, “I tried but nobody would listen!” are not going to work. You must deliver, regardless of the situation. Wedding photography requires the photographer to deal with the personalities and requests of over a hundred people. The best way to begin your wedding coverage is to break down the families’ defensive barriers toward you. This chapter, and the two that follow, are short, but they explain behavior far too important not to mention.

JOINING THE FESTIVITIES

In addition to the engagement session, where you become better acquainted with the couple and build a rapport with them, you should strive to join any social opportunity you can to meet as many wedding family members and guests as possible in a social setting, not a photographic setting. Clearly you must be invited to these festivities, but if you are, take advantage of them and go.

I recently photographed a wedding on the island of St. Barths. The bride had left a beautiful welcome letter in my hotel room, and inside the envelope was an invitation to the welcome dinner for all her guests. My wife and I were quite tired from a long trip. However, I knew that this was my only chance to get to know the wedding party and some of the family members before the next day’s wedding. Attending this dinner was a great decision. I chatted with several members of the wedding party, and we laughed and talked business, world travel, and food. I kept all conversation away from controversial topics, such as religion or politics. We had drinks together and just enjoyed ourselves. It was imperative that the family see me as a friend of the couple, not as the hired photographer. When I headed back to my hotel room with my wife, I felt as if I was going to photograph a friend’s wedding. On the day of the wedding, I felt as if everyone was my friend. Any reservations people had about being photographed were gone. When I asked for something, they all cooperated. It was fantastic!

The welcome dinner was a wonderful way to break down defensive barriers. Had I not gone, I would have had to photograph the wedding alone and clueless. This matters, because breaking down defensive barriers will directly affect the mood and guest behavior for the entire wedding day. The best photos are taken when people don’t see you as a photographer or as an intruder. When people are caught off guard, they become resentful and uncooperative. When people don’t believe that the wedding photographer is intruding in their personal space, they relax.

MEETING THE WEDDING PARTY FOR THE FIRST TIME

In most cases, there will be no opportunity for you to attend any festivities before the wedding. Therefore, you must dive straight into cold water. It is very important to remember the influence that the wedding party has on the bride and groom. If the wedding guests don’t like or care for you, you are in serious trouble. When I walk into a room, I immediately introduce myself with a firm handshake to everyone in the getting-ready room. I repeat their names, look straight in the eye, and follow with an “It’s really nice to meet you!” If the wedding party is young and male and I feel comfortable, I keep my salutation more informal, such as, “Jeremy, what’s going on?” or some other casual comment. I want to keep the energy light and fun. I need them to think of me as one of them. When I’m with women, my behavior is different, since I’m a man. I make sure to be respectful and polite, but I still keep the energy light and fun. If I photograph the groomsmen before the bride, I usually use the groom’s getting-ready coverage with the guys as an icebreaker when I’m trying to get to know the bridesmaids. For example, I make light of their nervous energy or what they are doing. I make brief, general, fun comments to the ladies about the groomsmen’s personalities or quirks to help build a bond based on having something in common. Any effort to build a bond helps get them comfortable with you around. Remember that the photographer is the only stranger among friends in a room. It is important to do this initial introduction without your camera. You want people to see you as a person first, not “the photographer.”

I also have a terrible memory for names, but I do my best to remember as many bridesmaids’ and groomsmen’s names as possible. If you can somehow remember a few of them, it will greatly reduce the tension, if not actually break down some barriers. Since most wedding parties are young, they usually play along with a little memory game. When I ask for their names, I also ask them to help me come up with a way to remember their names. At a recent wedding I photographed, I met a nice woman named Lauren. She told me her first name, and then, we tried to come up with a fun way for me to remember it. She came up with “Lanky Lauren.” I laughed at how wonderfully that nickname fit her, since she was tall and, well, lanky. We laughed about it, and then I moved on to the next bridesmaid. This little memory game does wonders for breaking down defensive barriers, because the guests feel as if they have already collaborated with you as a team. They also realize that this game is your way of making a great effort to refer to wedding guests by their names. They will be more than impressed by your professionalism and sensitivity, because to photograph a wedding, you really don’t have to make that extra effort. They will feel extra-special and will be on your side throughout the day. Just imagine if you were part of a wedding party, and the photographer pointed at you and said, “Could you move over here?” or worse, “I need you to move next to the couch for me.” Talking to people you don’t know in such an inconsiderate way makes them feel as if you are treating them like cattle. But if you say, “Excuse me, Peter, could I have you move to this area to place you in better light?” Now you are not only using their names, but you are also telling them why they should listen to you.

PROTECTING THE SPACE

I use the phrase “protecting the space” because the photographer will be in the same space as the wedding party, but it really should be “protecting the energy in the room.” It is so important that the wedding photographer does not interfere too much with the energy in the room. It is inevitable that you will intrude a little since most people don’t know you, but people will be far less defensive toward you if you don’t make the energy in the room all about you, the photographer.

I talk when I must. Otherwise, I stay quiet and become an avid observer. Additionally, you should carefully place your gear out of the way. I have seen video crews leave their giant tripods and cameras literally everywhere. It’s not a Hollywood set, it’s a wedding. Remember that you are being invited by your clients to photograph a very personal event, not to seize the event and make it about yourself.

There will be times when protecting the space will be more important than at other times, such as when family members or people in the wedding party are having an argument. In the event that something like this should happen, quietly leave the room and wait outside. When tensions are high, you really want to minimize your footprint in the room. In my early years, I brought an assistant to a wedding whom I had never worked with before. It was quickly apparent that he did not understand what it meant to protect the space when the bride was getting ready with her family and friends. He was chatting away about football, and worse, about how many weddings he had shot. The straw that broke the camel’s back occurred when he saw the bride’s wedding dress hanging by the window, and with an excessively excited tone of voice he said to the bride “Wow, what a dress! Is it a Monique Lhuillier or just a look-alike?” My jaw dropped in disbelief! The bride’s expression said it all, but she said, “No, sorry. I can’t afford those dresses.” The whole energy in the room changed.

So, regardless of the various personalities, styles, and approaches of wedding photographers, I have repeatedly given the following advice to everyone: Ask the bride and groom themselves what kind of behavior they prefer from their wedding photographer. Their answers to me have been unanimous. They prefer the photographer to capture events with minimal disturbance to the energy in the room.

Therefore, I talk only when it is necessary. If I’m posing the bride or the wedding party, that’s obviously a time to talk and direct, but my normal demeanor is to be quiet, respectful, and attentive.

MAKING JOKES TO BREAK DOWN DEFENSIVE BARRIERS

It is a common practice to banter with people to break the ice. However, making jokes at a wedding requires serious common sense and a fine-tuned awareness of the kinds of clients you are working with. Making a joke that offends someone will not go well for you. Moreover, at weddings, remember that emotions are high and it is very easy to offend someone.

Let me give you an example. I was with a great group of groomsmen photographing them getting ready. They were laughing and making fun of each other, as guys do. The energy in the room was playful, fun, and relaxed. When I was photographing the groom’s portraits, one of the groomsmen asked me if I Photoshop my images. I said, as a joke, “Well, I don’t think the current version of Photoshop is powerful enough to help this groom!” The room exploded with laughter. The groom almost fell off his chair and was laughing hysterically with his groomsmen. It was a risky joke, but I felt it was the right kind of group, and I said it. After that, the guys became instant buddies and gave me 110% of their efforts posing for the photos.

Now imagine if I had read the group wrong. I could have seriously offended the groom. Clearly, the groom I chose to make this joke about was very good looking. Part of the banter in the room was about how he is always looking at himself in the mirror and admiring his appearance. Listening to these comments, I figured that it would be alright to jokingly make fun of the groom’s looks. But if there had been any indication that the groom had self-esteem issues, that joke could have gone terribly wrong. Instead of breaking down barriers, I would have created a wall of steel with my joke.

With bridesmaids, I never joke about physical appearance with anyone. I just mention how beautiful the bride looks. In this case, a joke can be too polarizing to risk it.

A joke can be humorous, or it can go horribly wrong. If there is any doubt, it’s best not to make jokes. If you do joke, be very careful about what you say. Remember, although some people might laugh, they may still feel very offended.

MANAGING BARRIERS WITH SEVERAL CULTURES AND GENERATIONS

I am fortunate to be sought after by clients from many cultures and religious affiliations to preserve their wedding memories. I find that photographing diverse cultural weddings keeps my profession very interesting. Many people consider different portions of the wedding to be much more important than others.

For example, I currently live in Beverly Hills, California, which means that many of my weddings are Persian, Jewish, and Asian weddings. In the Persian culture, the bride and groom photos are less important than the family group photos. At a “normal” American wedding, photographers schedule a substantial amount of time for bride and groom photos. The couple usually wants to have the family photos finished as quickly as possible and at a time that won’t interfere with their couple photos. But for Persian weddings, we schedule over two hours for family portraits. Within the Persian culture, you can quickly break down defensive barriers by showing much respect and attention to detail regarding the family photos. If, for any reason, you make the family members feel as if these group photos are interfering with your artistic style, they will put up barriers so high against you that they will not come down. Trust me on that. In fact, when I’m photographing the bride or groom getting ready at a Persian wedding, I mention how lovely the mother of the bride looks, and how beautiful she will look in the family photos. This behavior lets families know that I’m knowledgeable about their culture and very much interested in doing the best job I can to express what that particular culture cares about the most.

With regard to Asian weddings, showing great respect and giving priority to the older generations—such as the grandmother or great grandmother—is absolutely crucial. The older generations should always be featured and positioned in the most prominent place. The same goes for Indian weddings. They have a very highly structured and respected generational hierarchy. If these families notice that you are taking great care of the older generations, you will be well on their side. It is an understatement to say that a successful wedding photographer does more than take great photos; they do their research. You need to know who you are photographing. Not being culturally prepared will eventually lead you to offend someone, and the word about you will spread quicker than wildfire.

The most important lesson to be learned from this chapter is to be aware that the environment in which you must produce beautiful work is, initially, not favorable to the photographer. You are the stranger in the room among family and best friends. A great wedding photographer finds a way to have the wedding party see you as one of their own, and quickly! As in most businesses, people skills are more valuable than technical skills.