EGOS AND HIRED HELP

A smart way to put yourself on the right track with the families at a wedding is to leave your ego at the door. Photographers are artists, and many artists are driven by ego. Ego can help an individual push himself or herself to develop a higher standard of artistry, but that same ego needs to be tamped down the minute you begin interacting with the families.

First impressions are critical to win people over, so be sure that their first impression of you is one of a friendly, polite, and respectable human being. You want to exude a modest confidence. In other words, you want the family and wedding guests to see you as both a respectful person and someone who knows exactly what he or she is doing.

As a wedding photographer, your patience and experience will be tested by people at the wedding. Many times, wedding party members think that they are experts at weddings because they have attended a few, and they will try to show their worth by taking over your job. I’ll be honest: The more experienced a wedding photographer you are, the more irritating this behavior becomes. But it is crucial for you to handle these kinds of situations with great care. The last thing you want to do is appear arrogant and belittle them because you don’t agree with something they said or asked you to do. These individuals are the most important people in the bridal couple’s life. I’ll do anything to make sure that they feel respected and important, regardless of the request. Arguing with any of the wedding party about a photo idea they have will only leave a bad impression about you. The resulting tension also makes it very awkward between the couple, their wedding party, and you, the photographer.

Leaving your ego at the door does not mean letting people walk all over you. There is a way to accommodate people’s requests and still keep the ball in your court. To do your job well, you need to carry yourself in such a way that people are happy to work with you. If you have earned people’s respect, the wedding party or family members will even go out of their way to help you—for example, helping to get people together for a photo. Regardless of how expensive (or inexpensive) the wedding may be, the photographer can never be perceived as hired help. In fact, during the first meeting consultation, I make sure my clients see me as an artist, not someone they just pay to do my job and shut up. In cases where the couple does feel that way, I don’t take the job. I go as far as telling each couple that the interview meeting goes both ways; I want to make sure they are a good fit for me as much as they want to see that I am the right fit for them.

HANDLING PEOPLE WHO TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB

Let’s tackle five challenging scenarios that you will most likely encounter when photographing weddings.

Photo Ideas

Recently, a bridesmaid told me in front of the other bridesmaids, and I quote: “At the last wedding I attended, the photographer did this really cool photo in which the bride contemplates her bouquet, while the rest of the girls closely surround her smelling their own bouquets.” I almost wanted to gag just visualizing such a distasteful photo. I controlled myself by the grace of God, and I said, “Oh, great! Let’s definitely try that later when everyone is more ready.” In most cases, I take the photo the bridal party asks for, and I do it with a smile. If I take the photo quickly, I can leave them feeling that their ideas were amazing, and I can move on with my more elegant style of photography. Everyone wins. And by the time the photos are published on an online gallery, I can omit that photo from the gallery, and the wedding party member who asked that I take it will have most likely forgotten about it.

When clients hire you to photograph one of the most important days of their lives, they have invested a lot of trust in you. They have spoken with you and have most likely met with you, as well. It is very easy for the photographer to feel that he or she has developed a good relationship with the client before they show up at a wedding. But then, it hits you: The bride and groom are only two people out of a hundred or more at a wedding. Neither the family nor the wedding party has ever met you, and whether you like it or not, you inherit them as clients, too. And these people begin to make suggestions about where and how to take photos.

One of the most common and irritating aspects of wedding photography is when members of the wedding party suggest that the photographer replicate photos they have seen online (on sites such as Pinterest). In situations like this, you must be very careful how you handle their suggestions. If you make them feel ignorant or silly for asking, you will never gain their support. Furthermore, the bride will always defend her friends over you.

The solution that has worked well for me is to show the person making the suggestion that I have no problem at all taking the photo they so enthusiastically described. If I can take it quickly, I do, and then I move on. But if I feel that taking the photo will be far too time consuming, I suggest that I take the photo later because we are running out of time. Most of these photo suggestions occur when the bride or groom are getting ready. This is when they have the most time. After the getting-ready portion is over, the wedding day becomes hectic, and most wedding guests focus their efforts more on consuming beverages and appetizers with their friends and family than on giving the photographer photo ideas. Therefore, it is a goal of mine to get through the getting-ready portion of the wedding with both the couple and the wedding party on my side.

Location Disputes

During another recent wedding, the ceremony had just ended and I was gearing up to take the family photos. It was a hot and sunny day, and the couple had been married at a gorgeous venue with an ocean view. When I scout for locations to take the family portraits, I am mainly looking for three criteria: a proximity to everyone, the quality of light, and a clean non-distracting background. I want the family photos to shine, since they are very important to me, and I want my clients to be delighted with the job I did for them. In this case, I found the perfect place that satisfied all three of my requirements, and I quickly began to group people for the photos.

Not 10 seconds later, during the first group photo, the brother of the bride said to me in front of everyone; “Excuse me, really? You are going to take our photo here, when we have the beautiful ocean right over there? Are you kidding me?” Everyone was staring at me, wondering why I had chosen that particular location instead of having the ocean in the background of their family photos. I had only seconds to react before I would begin to lose face. I responded by saying, “Oh, if that’s everyone’s preference, we could certainly move, but just realize that if we do so, you will have very harsh light and shadows over everyone’s faces. Let me show you.”

I quickly asked three people to come with me to take a photo of them with the ocean view. Sure enough, the lighting was horrific. I showed the gentleman how the photo looked so that he could see for himself. I did not do it with an “I told you so” attitude but in a respectful way. This is very important, because in situations like this, he could have very easily felt humiliated in front of his entire family. On the other hand, had I not shown him the photo at the location he requested, he could have felt that I had not listened to him, and he would never have known how bad the photos would have been. I thought it would be better for me to keep my demeanor respectful and polite. After that, all the family members approved the chosen location, and we finished the photo shoot quickly.

There are times when it is best to give the clients what they ask for, and there is a way to do this without sacrificing quality. At an Armenian/Persian wedding, the bride and her family felt strongly about taking photographs in front of the Sofreh Aghd (which is a traditional Iranian/Persian ceremony decor spread). The Sofreh Aghd was a place that would have yielded splotchy lighting on the family members. To address this sensitive issue, I informed the bride and groom about the problem we would have if we moved to that location. However, I knew that this location was very important to them culturally. To achieve my goals and the clients’ wishes, I asked the bride if she would allow me to do the family photos at the location with beautiful lighting, and then we would move to the ceremony site and take a second set of photos with just her immediate family. Naturally, we would not have the time to do another entire set of family photos, but if we just did another quick set of her immediate family, we would all be happy. She agreed, and I got a full set of beautifully lit photos, and she had her set of her immediate family in front of the traditional Sofreh Aghd. This was a win-win situation!

The point of this story is that if people feel that your decisions are made for their happiness and well-being, usually they will not argue about them. Sometimes, the wedding coordinator will tell me where to take the couple for the first look. But if the lighting is bad and will not flatter the couple, I tell the coordinator that the position of the sun at that moment wouldn’t be flattering to the bride. The coordinator cannot argue with that.

Bride Getting Dressed and Privacy

As a male wedding photographer, I often run into the situation when the bride is about to put on her wedding dress, and there is that unspoken vibe in the air about what I’m going to do when she is undressing. During my client meetings, the couple has already seen photographs in my portfolio of the bride getting dressed, or she might be in her undergarments while she elegantly slips on her dress. These photos are usually presented in black and white, and they are taken with the utmost class, elegance, and respect for the bride.

While the photos may be absolutely gorgeous, not all brides feel comfortable with the photographer in the room when she is undressed. My experience has taught me to be extremely cautious during these moments, regardless of what the bride says. Therefore, I ask about these photos and whether she feels completely comfortable with me being in the room and taking some stylized photos of her putting on her dress. This is discussed from the very beginning, long before the wedding day. Regardless of whether the bride says she is comfortable or not, during the day of the event, I give her the options again. However, there are two distinct ways of asking a bride about my presence in the room. One way could make the bride feel guilty. The second approach allows the bride to feel at peace with her decision.

• •“Would you like me to leave while you get dressed?”
• •“I’m going to step out while you get dressed. Let me know when you are completely comfortable, and I’ll come back in.”

Notice that the first question makes the bride feel as if she is kicking someone out. Subconsciously, she will feel guilty doing so. Trust me, you don’t want to make the bride feel cornered. With the second approach, you are leaving the room of your own accord. If the bride responds, it is to let you back into the room later or to ask you not to leave but photograph her as discussed during the client meetings. Subconsciously, the bride feels much better saying something that invites you in rather than saying something that feels as if she is kicking you out. So be careful how you ask.

Difficult People and Avoiding Drama at All Costs

In 2010, one of my closest friends and industry mentor David Edmonson suffered a terrible stroke. In the middle of the wedding season, I was asked by David’s son, Luke Edmonson, to take over a wedding for them in Dallas while Luke photographed another job in a different part of town. In this situation, the couple and I had no rapport whatsoever. My good friend and marvelous wedding photographer Joe Cogliandro was kind enough to offer his help shooting this wedding with me for the Edmondsons.

Everything at the wedding was going relatively well and smoothly until the family photos portion just after the church ceremony. The interior of the church was quite dark, so I had found an attractive location just outside the church to take the family photos. I approached the family and proposed that we take the photos outside. People from California almost always take family photos outdoors. However, this was Dallas, Texas. I had no idea that people in Dallas are accustomed to taking the family photos inside the church in front of the altar. This is culturally important to them. The father of the groom was in disbelief that I would propose leaving the altar to go outside for the family photos. He quickly lost faith in me as an experienced wedding photographer.

Furthermore, the situation got worse when the father of the groom expected me to know the names of all the family members, including the extended family. I only knew the names of the bride and groom. This did not bode well for me, and the father of the groom expressed his displeasure to the wedding coordinator about the photographers. I felt an incredible burden on my shoulders, because I wanted to represent David and Luke Edmonson in the best way possible. But the father of the groom was not letting go, and his negative energy trickled down to the couple and the wedding party. The situation was not good, to say the least.

The wedding coordinator had to intervene, and she basically asked Joe and me what we had done to make the father of the groom so upset. I thought that if I argued with the coordinator in an attempt to defend ourselves, we would look even more guilty. Instead, I decided to ask her what the family’s problem was with us, and that I would fix it immediately. I did not argue, even though it seemed unreasonable to expect me to show up and know every single family member’s name. At weddings, tensions can be unnaturally high, and I was completely focused on defusing the situation and showing the father of the groom that we wanted to do things right. Following that unfortunate situation, the bride and groom were not particularly excited about giving us any time to do bride and groom photos.

During that time, the coordinator actually called Luke Edmonson while he was shooting another wedding to make him aware that things were not going well between the photographers and the couple’s families. I wanted the ground to just swallow me whole! I was beyond embarrassed and frustrated. I apologized to the couple for what happened and for not knowing everyone’s names. I also humbly asked them if they could just give me 10 minutes of their time to turn it around and take some beautiful photos of them. Reluctantly, they accepted.

The couple loved the photos they saw on the back of my camera, and their attitude toward us completely changed for the better. Later, at the beginning of the reception, the wedding coordinator asked me if this was my first wedding. I couldn’t believe my ears! Somehow, because there was an issue between the father of the groom and me, her perception of me was so incredibly low that she thought this could very possibly be my first wedding. What I found most surprising was how quickly emotions can escalate and misjudgments can be passed at a wedding. For these reasons, it is imperative that you keep in mind that a single issue—no matter how small or irrational it may be, and no matter whose fault it is—can create a major problem for you. It is imperative that you do whatever you can to prevent issues from arising between you and the family. Think of it like a blister. As soon as you begin to feel it forming, you must apply dressing and put a Band-Aid on it, because if you don’t, it will only get worse.

Uncooperative Groom or Wedding Party

This could be a very sensitive topic, but coping with uncooperative clients or wedding parties is part of the job. In theory, if the client, such as the groom, does not want to cooperate with you, it is simple to brush it off and blame the lack of photos on the groom. However, one thing I learned the hard way is that no matter what happens at a wedding, it is always you that people will blame. If there are no photos of the groom, it will be your fault in the eyes of the couple and their families. People will point their fingers at someone for anything that goes wrong, and naturally they will not blame their loved ones or good friends. They will blame you.

For this reason, when I have an uncooperative groom, I always try to meet him halfway and make him feel that his request not to be photographed was heard and respected. However, I still must take at least two or three good photos of him just in case the bride or the groom’s family asks for those photos. If a groom doesn’t want to take photos or portraits, I always respectfully ask him if he would just give me a couple of minutes of his time, just to cover my bases; in the future, someone such as the bride may ask for photos of him. I also tell the groom that I understand, because I don’t like being photographed either. I explain that during my own wedding, I had to pose for a few portraits because I wanted to make sure that my wife wouldn’t become upset with me for not having groom photos on our wedding day. Then, I follow with a joke to ease the conversation. Something such as, “I will take these photos so fast, you won’t even know what hit you!” or “It will be totally painless, plus you look so good it would be a crime not to photograph you looking like that!”

Approaching the groom this way lets him feel that we have something in common—our mutual dislike of being photographed. But he will know that you are just covering your bases for the bride and the album, and he will cooperate with you for a few minutes. Just make sure that you do not go over the time that you agreed upon. In fact, take less time than you had requested. He will appreciate it, and you will have him more on your side for the rest of the wedding.