Chapter 24 
As a leader you are being watched, always
One of the biggest lessons for me during our 12 months in Antarctica was the scrutiny you are under as leader. I should have been more aware of this. Before the expedition I had held leadership positions for over 16 years, but this aspect really only hit me when one day one of the men came to me and asked, ‘How come you always sit next to Kirsten and Chris at mealtimes?’
Perpetual scrutiny
In training the AAD had recommended to me that we use one large, communal table for meals. Having separate, smaller tables, they advised, could lead to cliques forming and their experience showed this could cause problems in such a confined environment. It sounded like sensible advice me to me. I respected the knowledge and wisdom of the staff at the Division, so we had continued with our single, long dining table. But when this question was raised I was caught off guard.
My impulsive answer was, ‘Well, because we talk about the footy and State of Origin. It's easy stuff to talk about over a meal.’ But I was still puzzled so I asked, ‘Why are you asking?’
‘Well, because we think you like them more than you like the rest of us.’
I was stunned. Absolutely gobsmacked. I had tried very hard to treat all of my team equally and not play favourites. I had been totally transparent with rosters, had put the same effort and energy into celebrating each person's birthday, and made sure I greeted every single person each morning at breakfast. So the claim that I not only had ‘favourites’ but chose to sit with them, and only them, at mealtimes really knocked me sideways. I had incredible respect for the person raising the issue with me and I believe it took great courage for them to come forward and share their thoughts.
It was a huge awakening for me to realise that my behaviour was being interpreted in a way that I hadn't imagined. Yes, I really enjoyed the company of Kirsten and Chris, and I looked forward to sharing a meal and a laugh with them each day, absolutely. But I also enjoyed the company of the other members of the team. As in any community, I simply had more in common with some people than with others.
But my behaviour was being scrutinised constantly. It really brought home to me the lesson that when you are a leader: YOU ARE BEING WATCHED … ALWAYS. From that moment on I chose to sit next to a different person around the table every day or so. Of course, even this was noticed and commented on, but I told them, ‘A change is as good as a holiday and, hey, there won't be a holiday any time soon …’ Leaders are under intense scrutiny — you need to know this and manage it.
Wednesday 9th March
I had a great catch-up with Doc today. I'm disappointed I haven't lost any weight but I've only been back on the treadmill for a week and I haven't changed what I eat yet. We discussed each expeditioner and how we both felt the station was going.
The lack of privacy and the scrutiny we're all under is really apparent. Doc and I reeled off the things that people have ‘noticed’ and commented on in the last week. Small changes to our routines have a big impact.
- Doc shaved his beard. This became the key discussion topic among the expeditioners for most of a morning. Many were concerned!
- We couldn't download the newspaper for three days in a row, which really upset those who read it at smoko. They kicked around looking lost.
- I put a dozen cans of Diet Coke in the fridge and even that was newsworthy for about a day.
- Everyone has commented on the fact that I go to the gym every morning now. Discussions about weight loss, BMI and nutrition abound. Everyone has an opinion about what I should do and how I should do it.
Equally unsettling was the knowledge that my team knew where I was — all the time. I could be in any one of the dozen or so buildings on the station, just chatting to the guys and catching up on their news, and the phone would ring and it would be someone who wanted to speak to me. I would ask every time, ‘How did you know I was in here?’ to be told, ‘Dunno, we just know where you are, I guess’.
I seriously thought at one stage that someone had covertly placed a GPS tracking device on me, as I just could not explain how the entire community knew my whereabouts at all times and could track me down in moments. I soon realised it was just another part of the scrutiny I was under. And I became very conscious of my behaviour.
Never off duty
Movie nights were particularly challenging. Here we were, 18 strangers, male and female, red blooded and with all the normal urges. And it seemed like every movie had a sex scene — a ‘must have’ for Hollywood. Normally, in the anonymity of a cinema or the comfort of my lounge room, I would just relax and enjoy it. But surrounded by people who had gone without sex for many months it was awkward.
Sunday 13th March
Beautiful day today — snow everywhere and nice temperature outside. Sharon and JR made a little ski-run and we played around in the snow for a bit.
Tonight we watched Wall Street. No matter how many movies I watch here I don't think I'll ever get used to watching sex scenes with the boys. When you're the only woman and you're watching a sex scene with 12 men who haven't had sex for at least six months, it ratchets up the tension no end!
Mum was funny today. I spoke to her on the phone for about 10 minutes then she said, ‘Honey I have to go, there's a show on Antarctica starting!’ Unbelievable! I was telling her about life on station first-hand and she felt she had to watch it on TV.
Monday 14th March
Gosh I laugh a lot down here. Especially whenever Howie is around. He manages to come out with these classic one-liners that just encapsulate what everyone else is thinking. Tonight we did yoga after dinner and the DVD instructor spends so much time crapping on before she starts counting the six breaths that your muscles burn. So Howie yells out ‘Just get on with it, will ya!’ with not a hint of malice.
Then we watched Run Lola Run, which was a very odd movie. We all sat through it and when the credits rolled Howie pipes up with ‘Well, THAT was different’. I laughed so much I cried.
It wasn't all laughs today though. I noticed that Craig was very quiet all day. I asked him if we was OK and he told me his wife was quite crook and his mum was back in hospital. It's an awful feeling being so far away, and unreachable should anything really bad happen.
I guess we all know this prior to coming down but the reality doesn't hit you until it hits you. I can't imagine what it would be like for the guys with kids.
About once a month or so we had a theme night, and that usually meant the obligatory costumes. Without the ability to drop by the local costume hire shop down the street our dress-ups were restricted to whatever items we could find on station. Trust me though, some people were incredibly creative and ingenious. They put in an amazing amount of effort, often spending weeks planning their outfit and sneaking around the corridors of the sleeping quarters with polystyrene, paint, coat hangers, cardboard and possible objets d'art. All in an effort to create some hilarious costume that would stun and amaze us all on the night.
Thursday 17th March
St Patricks Day!
What a great night! The quiz was a hoot and everyone loved my green satin dress! I found it in the dress-up box. I can't imagine who originally must have bought this from a shop. It's shocking to think that someone would have parted with cash for it. Great lamb stew with Guinness pie for dinner.
I spoke to Doc about how I noticed a few people were a bit flat during the day and weren't sleeping well. The changing seasons are having a real effect on our bodies. I am perpetually thirsty and my skin is dry. I asked Doc to run more info sessions on the effects on our bodies and minds of life on station.
There's a growing feeling of cabin fever so I need to make a concerted effort to get people off station now while we can. Some week-long traverses in the Hagglunds would be good for the team.
Friday 18th March
Woke up to a fire alarm at 6.50 am. It was bloody loud and frightening because it wasn't a drill. We all mustered in record time and worked out the problem. I was really annoyed when one of the guys complained about being woken up! At least it was just an alarm, not a fire.
The funny thing was a few of them had only been in bed for a couple of hours after the St Patrick's Day event. Jason turned out with his pants on back to front and wearing one boot. Someone else ran straight to the driver's seat of the fire vehicle when his role was actually on the breathing apparatus team, and a third person left their glasses in their bedroom and couldn't see properly. But at least we all woke up! It's hard on the fire team, as someone always has to be on roster and so can't enjoy a drink the night before. And they're not paid for the privilege.
We had a ‘B & S Ball’, a ‘Rocky Horror Picture Show’, a ‘D for Davis’ night, a ‘Punks & Goths’ night — even a ‘Fairies & Barbarians’ dinner when the birthday boy couldn't decide on whether to go with a fantasy theme or brave the cold and go Viking, so went for both.
As leader I also needed to be part of the community, and to be seen to be part of the community, so I too rustled up a costume for each occasion. The difference for me, though, was the degree to which I was being watched, so my costume had to pass muster. Even if I thought it would be hilarious to attend the Rocky Horror night dressed up as Frank N. Furter, resplendent in a short skirt and suspenders, I knew that attire was not appropriate for a female leader in that environment — and once you cross that line of inappropriate behaviour as a leader, it's very difficult to get back.
What I learned
- Leaders are under intense scrutiny. People watch their leaders constantly, especially during times of change, looking for signals indicating what's really happening. The scrutiny is intense and constant. Where you sit for lunch, who you greet in the morning, what time you leave the office — all are noticed. Be aware of how your words, behaviour and actions can be interpreted by those around you.