CHAPTER 8

STEP 1: OBSERVE

When a man gains knowledge through the observation of his truth, his view of the world changes.—Kilindi Iyi

Every great coach, regardless of the sport or discipline, observes. Coaches watch and analyze each movement of their players. They are able to detect even the slightest change. Therefore, the power of observation is the first essential skill that your self-coach must master. You already have experience related to observation, so it's a matter of sharpening this skill rather than building it from scratch. For example, I'm sure you can recall a time when you were in a situation that you knew was going downhill. Perhaps you could hear words coming out of your mouth and instantly thought: That wasn't exactly the right thing to say. Or perhaps you didn't speak up, and you heard yourself thinking: Why am I not speaking up? Perhaps you could feel yourself getting tense or frustrated. One leader explained that she was sitting in a meeting with her staff, and it was as if she could see two videos in her head. In one video, she saw her present behavior. She had lost her temper and was telling the group that she was tired of having to nag them for results. In this video, she saw herself doing all the wrong things and saying all the wrong words. Then, she said, she saw another video that showed her calmly addressing her staff and asking for solutions to her frustration over missed deadlines and other lackluster results. Unfortunately, she said, she continued her present behavior and even in the moment found herself regretting her words and actions.

In another instance, someone described his ability to observe his behavior as if he were looking through a two-way mirror. He could see himself in the middle of the scene, a scene that he wasn't particularly proud of, yet, he wasn't sure what to do to get to the other side of the glass. These individuals already have keen observation skills that will assist the self-coach in improving their emotional intelligence. Your similar experiences will also be valuable in this step. For example, you probably already have a way of observing yourself. Think about ways you now observe your behavior.

GET OUT MORE

How can you strengthen the power of observation? For starters, your self-coach needs to get out more. No, I'm not talking about going out to dinner, although dinner might be a fine place to begin. I'm talking about allowing your self-coach to distance himself or herself from you by climbing above your head and hanging out. Imagine him just watching, perhaps perched on a ledge and observing you from ten feet away or so. Not only can he see and hear you, but he can also see and hear others in the room. He can sense your mood, your body language, your breathing, and your voice intonations. He can also observe these things in other people around you.

You can practice this technique when you are seated someplace and not interacting with others. You could be in the waiting room at a doctor's office or at an airport or in a park. Just allow your self-coach to drift above your head and pay attention. Where are you seated? How are you seated? Where are your arms? Your legs? What are your hands doing? Are you seated straight? Are you slumped? No judgments please, just observation. What is the expression on your face? Are you smiling? Frowning? Ask your self-coach to observe your mood. Does he see you as happy? Sad? Peaceful? Determined? Impatient? Relaxed? Perplexed? As your self-coach gathers information through observation, his coaching skills begin to take shape.

After you have practiced observing yourself while alone, ask your self-coach to watch you interact with people. To begin, select situations that are relaxed and comfortable, perhaps as you walk down the hall to your workstation. Ask your coach to gauge the expression on your face. Are you smiling? How are you holding your head? What is your pace? If a coworker passes, what do you say? What was your tone of voice? For example, if you said “Good morning,” did it sound enthusiastic? Rote? Did you speak loudly or softly? Did you enunciate clearly? Or did you mumble? Did you make eye contact? Did you call the person by name? What are you thinking about?

Now ask your self-coach to observe others with whom you are interacting. Remember, emotional intelligence has two dimensions: understanding ourselves and understanding our relationships with others. During that same walk down the hall, how were your coworkers dressed? What were their facial expressions? Were they smiling? Frowning? Did they appear hurried? Or leisurely? Who spoke first? What were the tones of their voices? Encourage your self-coach to keep practicing in relaxed or comfortable situations, such as lunch with your friends.

OBSERVE IN THE MOMENT

The trick is for the self-coach to be observing in the moment. By that, I mean for the coach to be able to determine as the action occurs just what is happening. This will be her greatest value to you in conflict and high-stress situations. That's why it's important to begin to sharpen this skill in low-stress situations. Pleasant encounters allow you to practice until observation becomes part of your routine. Observation in the moment also has side benefits. As you practice your observation skills in the moment, you will find that you are more present to the other person. Observation alone will improve your self-awareness. Even if you take no other steps, your emotional intelligence will likely improve. Yes, it's that important. Mastering observation will also help you later, because you will be accustomed to picturing yourself in different situations. You'll use this skill in later steps.

OBSERVE IN CONFLICT SITUATIONS

After you practice observing in pleasant situations, you're ready to assume the challenge of observing yourself during conflict or high-stress situations. In fact, this will occur automatically as your observation skills become ingrained in your repertoire. You'll find yourself observing all the time. In conflict situations, watch for changes in your heart rate, your breathing, your nonverbal behavior, and your tone of voice. What happens to your muscles? I can always tell when I don't agree with something because the first thing I do is clench my teeth. My jaw muscles tighten as if to warn me to “keep my mouth shut.” In conflict situations, at first, try to pay particular attention to your physical reactions. Your physical reactions may well be the first indicators of trouble. Remember the limbic brain? It's working eighty to one hundred times faster than your rational brain. It's sending signals to all parts of your body. So, the likelihood that those muscles will tense, those jaws will clench, your breathing pattern will change, or your face will feel flushed will offer your self-coach the first clues that conflict is imminent.

As you cue into your physical reactions, you'll also want to observe other things about yourself. Here again, observe your mood. What are you feeling? Attacked? Worried? Tense? Angry? Scared? Think about your facial expression and look at your body language. Observe your tone of voice. As if you were a courtroom illustrator, capture the picture that is you. This picture should be as accurate, complete, and as objective as possible. While your self-coach is in training, it might be helpful to ask a trusted colleague or friend to help you with this observation process. After a high-stress or conflict situation, ask a trusted friend or adviser to tell you what he or she has observed. It's particularly difficult to see your own nonverbal behavior. Therefore, characteristics such as facial expression and body language, especially in a conflict situation, may take some time to master. But with persistence and, perhaps, the help of someone else, your self-coach will begin to see clearly.

TURNING YOUR OBSERVATION OUTWARD

Thus far in conflict situations, you've been training your self-coach to observe you and your reactions. Eventually, your observation should take into account the actions, words, nonverbal behaviors, and moods of others. By assessing tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, and other cues, you will gain important information regarding your interactions with others. Also, upon close observation, you may find, as we learned earlier, that your perceptions about a particular interaction might be different from what you assume to be true.

SCANNING

Scanning, a technique widely taught in law enforcement to sharpen and broaden officers’ perceptions in high-stress situations, could be useful in improving emotional intelligence. Officers are taught in tense situations to keep their heads moving left and right to scan their environment.¹ For example, if an officer is focused on apprehending a suspect, he needs to scan his environment or he may miss the fact that two other suspects are approaching to the right. By focusing on just one factor or piece of information, the officer could miss important data that could cost him his life. Also, because scanning allows a look at the whole picture rather than at only one detail, it enhances the officer's problem-solving and decision-making skills. Many other professionals are also taught scanning techniques to enhance performance. In a study of airline pilots reported in Aviation, Space, and Environmental Medicine, those who used visual scanning performed better than those who did not.² Lifeguards too, as reported in Parks and Recreation, who were taught a five-minute scanning strategy improved their attention and concentration.³

Because scanning can be a useful tool in improving emotional intelligence, your self-coach should become accustomed to using it. Scanning engages your rational brain to help you think and interpret signals from your limbic system. Scanning plays an important role in expanding the partnership between your limbic and rational brains. Both systems are giving you data; scanning ensures that you are accessing both systems equally. Scanning can build a far more realistic picture of the whole situation.

For example, we all know that employee or coworker who tends to grate on our nerves. Perhaps she is obsessively negative or whining. Sure enough, she approaches, and the first thing you hear from her is a gripe or complaint. Unfortunately, it's easy to fixate on this aspect of your interactions with her and perhaps miss some things of value she may contribute. If you scan the whole person, perhaps you could see that she is a perfectionist who deeply cares about doing a good job. Or perhaps embedded in her negative comments are some real pearls about how to do things differently. Scanning in this case means looking at the whole rather than fixating on the constant flow of negative comments. In another case, scanning can help you broaden your reactions in a meeting. When you're in a meeting and you've made a comment that wasn't received very well, you may fixate on the comment, perhaps trying to find opportunities to redeem yourself or further prove your point. Instead, try scanning. It can help you focus more broadly. Rather than fixate only on your comment, scan the room to think about others. How does the group react to other people? You may find that the group dynamics are negative, or that one person's dominant view is the only opinion tolerated. Or perhaps you find that only one person seemed to react negatively to your comment, not the whole group, as you first perceived. Or perhaps you find that, indeed, the group's negative reaction is limited to you. In any event, scanning can give you a broader source of data that you can later incorporate in your relationships with others.

In one-to-one encounters, scanning can also prove invaluable. Let's say you enter your boss's office to ask for a raise. Usually when this occurs, you're focusing on what you're going to say to convince the boss that you deserve the raise. You're thinking about all of your accomplishments. Perhaps you've even done your homework and have data to support your claims regarding similar jobs in similar industries. So, you're ready to make your case. Besides, just yesterday, the boss complimented you on how well you had handled a recent assignment. Your timing is obviously right. But when you go in to deliver your pitch, it blows up in your face. How can this be possible? How could you have avoided this situation? For starters, if your self-coach had scanned, he would have told you to notice the look on your boss's face when you entered her office. She had a disgusted frown. Her brow was wrinkled as if in deep concerned thought. Her desk, usually neat and orderly, was scattered with papers. She reached for her PDA to check her schedule. The beeping sound of incoming mail kept coming from her computer. Her eyes wandered to her computer screen to check her inbox. The information that you gleaned from scanning would have told you all you needed to know: Not now.

In a verbal exchange, many people fixate on the words. Surely words are important, but there's more to the message than meets the ear. Let's say you're concerned about a particular project you've been working on. You need help from Jim, your coworker, to get some data for the project. When you see Jim in the elevator and ask about the number, he tells you that he will have it by the end of the day. The end of the day comes and goes—no data. You're falling hopelessly behind on your project. Is Jim just unreliable? Could this situation have been avoided? Perhaps. If your self-coach had been scanning for you, you might have noticed several things about your encounter with Jim. Jim's tone of voice indicated disgust. His body language was rushed and hurried. He seemed distracted. He failed to make eye contact with you when he said he could get you the data by the end of the day. As your self-coach becomes adept at reading situations like this, you will gain a wealth of information that will prove invaluable for managing your relationships with others. Later we'll discuss how to integrate the information for more effective relationships.

A Scanning Checklist for the Self-Coach

In any workplace situation, but especially in conflict or high-stress encounters, train your self-coach to consider two perspectives: (1) Self—your reaction to the situation and (2) Others—the reactions of others. The following checklist can help you quickly assess both reactions to broaden your perspective. Remember to practice scanning in non-stress situations so that your skills will be well developed when a conflict occurs. Also, for scanning to be most effective, your self-coach should toggle back and forth between performing a self-scan and performing a scan of the others involved in the situation. Another way to look at this skill is to think about the lens of a camera. You can adjust easily between a wide-angle and a close-up shot with the press of a button. As your self-coach becomes more adept, you'll be able to easily shift your focus from assessing your reactions to assessing those of others.

Self-Scan

1. What is my physical body telling me?
   Heart rate? Dry mouth? Breathing? Sweaty palms?
2. What am I feeling?
   Attacked? Worried? Defensive? Angry? Challenged? Scared?
3. On what is my thinking fixated?
   Defending my position? Discrediting others? Redeeming myself?
4. How do I appear to others?
   Tone of voice? Body language? Facial expression?

Scan with others

1. What are they conveying through their words?
2. What are their nonverbal behaviors?
   Facial expressions? Eye contact? Body language?
3. What are their moods?
   Pleased? Tense? Encouraging? Agitated?
4. What other signs are in the physical environment?
   Phones ringing? E-mail? Schedulers?

OBSERVING MOOD AND EMOTION

Throughout the discussion thus far, the self-coach has had an obvious role in observation. Because mood and emotion are critical to a higher functioning emotional intelligence, more information may help your self-coach be more astute. It will also help your self-coach to distinguish some of the triggers (which we'll discuss later) that may be important to you. Mood is the underlying effect you experience. It sets the framework for how you may assess a particular event or situation. Emotion is the reaction to a particular stimulus. For instance, if you are in a good mood and you spill a cup of coffee, you may laugh and joke about being a klutz. Spilling a cup of coffee when you are in a bad mood may cause you to become angry, lash out, and blame your spouse for purchasing cups with handles too small for your fingers. Moods tend to be more a state of mind, and certain moods may tend to characterize your personality. Some people are characterized as generally sullen; others are more jovial. Mood can be looked on as a more long-lasting characteristic, although moods can certainly change. Mood, then, sets the stage for how you may react. More and more research suggests that a positive mood makes people more helpful and cooperative in the workplace. It also reduces aggressive behavior.⁴ In addition, research (George and Bettenhausen, 1991) determined that mood, both on an individual level and group level, influences positive behaviors toward both coworkers and customers.⁵

So, your mood may certainly affect your performance on the job. Your emotional reaction often depends on your mood; therefore, your mood may predict your emotional reaction to certain events. This information is critical for your self-coach. The more predictive your self-coach can be, the more effective you will become in engaging techniques that can diffuse negative situations. Imagine the challenge of assisting customers or patients when your mood is negative. A simple request could be the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back. Obviously your career could suffer if you are not in tune with your mood and the emotional reactions your mood can trigger and if you do not find ways to mitigate negative reactions.

RANGE /FAMILIES OF EMOTIONS AND MOODS

Besides recognizing the difference between mood and emotion, you already know that moods and emotions fall within continuums. Depending on your mood, someone cutting in front of you on the freeway may cause you to be mildly annoyed or filled with rage. So these different degrees, or flavors, are important to recognize. Your self-coach should become more and more adept at identifying your emotions and the degree to which you are experiencing them, as well as the underlying moods and events that may trigger them.

To assist your self-coach to become more discerning, think about what each word on the following list means to you. I've loosely grouped some emotions together in families. Picture yourself with each of these emotions or in these moods. Can you imagine that your actions may be slightly or grossly different, depending on how you are feeling? Help your self-coach become skilled at recognizing the variations these words represent (see Figure 8.1).

Just as your self-coach is learning to distinguish your range of emotions, you should also begin noticing differences in the emotions of others. The skill of observation is always moving from self to others, so the more your self-coach practices noticing these differences, the more your self-coach can help you proceed on your path to greater emotional intelligence. The goal of all observation techniques is to strengthen your self-awareness. As you become more familiar with your moods and emotions, you should become better able to key in to the moods and emotions of others. The next step in self-awareness is to assess how others’ moods and emotions affect you. Self-awareness involves predicting your possible reactions to a given situation so that you can decide how you wish to react.

OBSERVING YOUR REACTIONS TO OTHERS

By now, your self-coach practiced observing you in a variety of situations and has also been observing others. The key is to link your reactions to both the actions and moods of others. For example, when your boss, who is predictably critical, calls you into his office, what is your usual reaction? How can anticipation of this event affect you? Or, let's say that your coworker Sasha always walks through the door with a smile on her face. What is your reaction? Susan, on the other hand, is always frowning. What is your reaction? Perhaps you've been noticing at every staff meeting that your boss does not make eye contact with you. How do you react to her behavior? Or perhaps you've noticed that Esther and Lu always have the floor at your weekly meetings. What do you find yourself thinking in each of these situations? And what happens to you as you anticipate future meetings? What are your thoughts? Feelings? Eventually patterns will emerge. You will find that there is a predictable manner to how you think about and react to these events and to how you anticipate these events. This predictive quality will be useful later when we talk about self-control.

SELF-TALK: OBSERVING YOUR INTERNAL DIALOGUE

So, as you realize that tomorrow morning you have to sit through yet another one of those meetings in which Esther and Lu always have the floor and your boss rarely makes eye contact with you, what's going on inside your head? Perhaps you're saying, “I can't believe I have to sit through another one of these meetings. I'm wasting my time. I have a million other things I can be doing, but I need to go and hear Esther and Lu go on endlessly about things I don't even care about.” Or perhaps your internal voice says, “Here we go again. I am so tired of being ignored in these meetings. I just wish Esther and Lu would shut up and realize how disgusting they are. I'm so sick of their self-important attitude.” Or maybe, you have a different take on the situation, “They do talk a lot, but I learn so much from Esther's and Lu's discussion. When I pay attention, I find their experiences useful. I'm so glad they are willing to share them.” You can see that whatever internal dialogue or self-talk is going on inside you may affect your behavior in the meeting. Therefore, the more your self-coach can tune in to your self-talk, the greater your self-awareness. In fact, being aware of self-talk and later controlling your self-talk is fundamental to improving your emotional intelligence.

One way to practice this is to ask your self-coach to interview you throughout the day. As you walk toward your place of employment, what's going on with your internal dialogue? As each coworker approaches, what does your internal voice have to say? How about at the lunch table? Or sitting in a meeting? Keep track of your internal voice. This concept is certainly not unusual; the expression, “I said to myself…” is widespread because we all recognize that there is a constant internal dialogue going on. Now, if your self-coach conducts these interviews aloud, you might get some strange glares, but otherwise, it is a useful and productive exercise to increase self-awareness. Your internal dialogue will also enable you to further define your moods and your emotions. Later you will see that your internal dialogue will be an important concept as you work on mastering your emotions and living your intentions.

VOICES

As you become more and more familiar with your internal dialogue, you will also notice that certain voices appear over and over again. In fact, you will find that these voices may dominate the landscape of your mind. For example, in my mind, one voice rings loudest: my self-doubt voice. I can usually hear her above the rest. In fact, she colors my thinking, and if I'm not careful, she can also influence my behavior. To give you a feel for her handiwork, I relate the following story. When I had finished one of my earlier books, I sent it for comment and review to Ken Blanchard, a much-respected authority on leadership who had authored numerous books. I had always admired Blanchard's work and found him to be somewhat of a mentor even though we had never met. His prolific contributions to the field of leadership had shaped my thinking. As I nervously anticipated a response, my self-doubt voice emerged. “Why did you send it to him? You can't possibly believe that he would take time to read your work. And besides, if he would, you'll just embarrass yourself. You can't possibly think that he would have anything positive to say.” And so the internal dialogue dominated by the Self-Doubt Queen, as I had dubbed this familiar voice, went on and on. Out of the blue one day I got a call from a person who identified herself as Margret McBride, Ken Blanchard's literary agent. My self-doubt voice just raged, “Oh my gosh, what have you done? She must be calling to reprimand you for taking his ideas.” Now, I knew absolutely that I had not ever taken his ideas, but my self-doubt voice instinctively berated me. Finally I gained control of this all too familiar voice and said. “Shut up, so I can hear what this lady has to say.” As it turned out, to my delight, Margret McBride asked if she could represent my book.

Others may find that their sarcasm voice reigns or perhaps their pessimist influence dominates. Whatever the case, these voices have a powerful influence over our moods and our actions. We're not interested in a pop psychology approach to analyzing what childhood traumas may be responsible for your internal choir. Our only goal is to help you become aware of these voices so that you can understand how they may influence your behavior. They can help you reach your potential and live your intentions, or they can rob you of them. For example, let's assume that your internal voice often reflects sarcasm. In fact, this powerful voice is at work behind the scenes looking at every fact, every suggestion, every action to determine just the appropriate taunt or gibe. He is hard at work spending your energy in this pursuit. Have you ever heard this voice in one of your coworkers or perhaps your boss? Have you heard his voice in your internal dialogue? How about your pessimist voice? This voice is an expert at the glass-half-empty phenomenon. A quick study, this voice can always find ways to help you see what's going wrong. In fact, it is often the first to speak. And it speaks with authority. After you hear its voice, you'll be convinced that, indeed, life is filled with gloom.

Getting a handle on the voices that speak most often in your inner dialogue is an important grasp for your self-coach. As he becomes aware of your tendency toward a particular voice, your coach will be able to quickly recognize the voice and determine how it affects behavior. If you just think about the workplace for a moment and the people you know there, can you readily recognize someone who is often pessimistic? How about someone who tends toward sarcasm? Self-doubt? The trouble is that these voices are often easy to recognize in others but more difficult to recognize in ourselves. However, even recognizing them in others proves fruitful. So, get your self-coach and take him for a walk around the workplace and see if he can point out some of these voices in others. Now, turn your attention inward. Can you identify any of these voices within yourself?

Here's a list that may prove useful to help you identify these voices. Which ones seem like old friends? If they seem familiar, chances are you've spent some time with them. In fact, you may know them so well that you choose to name them. Sometimes I tell myself that I'm hearing from the Self-Doubt Queen or that the Control Troll is visiting. These techniques help me to keep in touch with my inner dialogue and understand how this self-talk influences my behavior. Although I refer to some below by gender, please recognize that these voices know no gender.

• The Victim Voice: The victim voice reminds you that it's never your fault. She makes sure you don't take any responsibility for your life. After all, you're just a poor victim. The victim voice claims that you are a victim of anything and everything. Her hopelessness and despair are overshadowed only by her creativity in finding things to blame for your failure.
• The Failure Voice: Your failure voice is always there to remind you that you are indeed a failure. In fact, he reminds you that you are a failure at just about anything you try. Should you forget and try to accomplish something, he'll stay up late to quickly remind you of all of your past failures. He focuses on the past.
• The Voice of Revenge: Just beneath the surface, the voice of revenge mutters the constant rumble of “just wait.” He is bent on revenge, and he's collecting examples until he's ready to pounce.
• The Self-Doubt Voice: The job of the self-doubt voice is to plant the seeds of doubt and fertilize them daily. She is great at projecting into the future and making sure that no confidence seeds take hold in her garden. She is always handy with a watering can for proper nourishment of her flowers of doubt. She's a future-focused pessimist waiting to kill your tomorrow.
• Egregious Injustice Voice: Your injustice voice likes to help you see where you have been wronged. He has a great knack for dwelling on injustice. He points it out at work, at home, in social settings, and at the supermarket. You can always count on him to show what isn't fair.
• The Famine Voice: This voice always reminds you that there is never enough and there will never be enough. She makes sure you live in a constant state of panic over resources. She may do her work as it relates to money, time, or physical attributes, such as beauty or good health. Whatever her canvas, she's skilled at creating a sparse picture.
• The “Ain't it Awful” Voice: This voice looks for evidence (and finds it) to let you know that your fate will always prove awful. This voice makes everything a catastrophe. This voice even has an amazing knack for stringing three unrelated events together to prove that life comes with a master catastrophe plan.
• The Hide Voice: He constantly tells you to lie low. Just duck out of sight and the situation will pass. Don't take any action. Avoid the situation. This voice reminds you that you'll only get in trouble if you try to act.
• The Wallflower Voice: This voice scans the room to find a place where you can hide. He works to make sure you aren't noticed. He is particularly adept at doing this in social situations.
• The Panic/Drama Voice: This voice helps in a crisis because she always is in a state of panic. You won't have to wonder how to panic because she'll do it for you. The trouble, though, is that she panics over everything, including broken fingernails.
• The Pleaser Voice: Your pleaser voices wants everyone to be happy. He's constantly at work to get you to please others. In fact, he stays up late and worries that someone somewhere may have been overlooked. He reminds you to please everyone and he will impose guilt if you haven't taken gigantic steps to do so.
• The Rabbit Voice: Your rabbit voice always smells the air for danger. She is keenly aware of risk and will run for safety in her comfortable rabbit hole at the slightest whiff of conflict. She protects you from conflict by running away.
• The Critical Voice: This voice has a knack for seeing the worst in everyone and everything. He is a connoisseur of perfection and, therefore finds it simple to find fault in the world. He encourages you to criticize others. He loves to point out to you just how others have failed to perform or failed to keep their word or failed to have nice hair.
• The Should Voice: The should voice lets you know everything you should do. She searches the world and keeps long lists of “shoulds” for you to adhere to. She compares you against some impossible standard and lets you know how you are falling short. She also keeps track of others to see what they should be doing.
• The Comparison Voice: This voice keeps score for you. She compares everything—the kind of car you drive, the schools your children go to, your clothes, your job title, your office size, your bank account, and even the color of your teeth—with what someone else has. She may be pleased or displeased with what she observes. But make no doubt; she'll be there to let you know how you rank.
• The Sky Is Falling Voice: This voice finds ways to create catastrophes out of everything. He's there to remind you that no matter what is happening, it's bad. In fact, it's so bad, that you probably won't be able to recover. This voice prohibits you from being in a rational, problem-solving state of mind.
• The Fix-It Voice: The fix-it voice claims that it is your responsibility to fix everything. Somehow this voice thinks that you should take an active role in all of life's problems, and she encourages you to jump in and fix things. Ms. Fix-It is busy not only in your life, but also in everyone else's life.
• The I Have All The Luck Voice: This voice reminds you that the world revolves around luck and you don't have any. He constantly points out that everyone else gets all the breaks and you don't. His motto is, “If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all.”
• The Control Voice: Your control voice reminds you that the only way to live in the world is to control it. He helps you realize that true power comes from a fierce grip on things.
• The Possessiveness Voice: A cousin of your control voice, your possessiveness voice says, “It's mine and I don't really want to share it.” In fact, this voice will declare things as yours that you have no right to possess, such as another person.
• The Envy Voice: Your envy voice spends her time comparing, just as the comparison voice does, and then becomes upset that you don't have what others have. The envy voice can find many reasons to be jealous, including professional accomplishments, material possessions, interpersonal relationships, and social status. With the help of the comparison voice to keep score, the envy voice dislikes anyone whose score comes out higher than yours.
• The Perfectionist Voice: The perfectionist voice makes sure you are absolutely perfect. She likes things done right, and she lets you know when things don't meet her standards, which is generally all the time.
• The Good Seeker: The perspective of this voice is that there is good in just about everything. He sees good in you, in others, in bad situations. He's the one who, even in the face of disaster, will search for the kernel of goodness.
• The Abundance Voice: Opposite of the famine voice, the abundance voice proclaims that, indeed, life's riches are plentiful. She believes that somehow there will always be enough, and she refuses to be ruled by thoughts of scarcity. She can convince you that a crumb of bread, when served with a smile, is indeed a feast.
• The Hope Voice: Hope assures you that tomorrow will be bright. The hope voice is your internal optimist that applies its sunshine to the future. Your hope voice is filled with positive expectations of the future and of other people.
• The Humor Voice: This voice sees fun in every corner of life. He points out the silly, the absurd, and the ridiculous and encourages laughter to cure all that ails you. He is a constant reminder not to take life too seriously. His light, easy way is characterized by the sounds of mirth.
• The Optimist Voice: The optimist voice reminds you that, of course, it can be done. Of course it will work out. Of course things will be good tomorrow. The optimist is a companion of hope and abundance. They make a great trio to drown out doubt and fear.
• The Gratitude Voice: Constant gratitude fills the air as this voice finds new ways to look at a blade of grass and express her thanks. She focuses your attention on giving thanks and thinking thankful thoughts, even in difficult situations. She's the one who points out after losing your job, how fortunate you are to have this opportunity to reexamine your work preferences.
• The Creative Voice: “Imagine” and “innovate” are the two words that drive this voice. His mind is always spinning with new ways to approach life. This imagination and drive permeate work life, home life, and community life.
• The Forgiveness Voice: Your forgiveness voice encourages you to let go of your grudges, to release your anger, and to accept others despite their shortcomings. She guides you to judge less and accept more of your fellow people, often reminding you that no one is perfect.
• What Role Did I Play Voice: This voice asks you to look at situations to determine how you may have contributed to the negative event or occurrence. This voice isn't intending to blame you, only to inquire so that you may not experience the same negative event again. A powerful opposite of the Victim voice, the What Role Did I Play voice will help you decide your culpability in life's problems, not for the sake of blame, but rather to help you decide how to improve.
• The Faith Voice: The Faith voice knows that whatever life holds, you will be okay. This voice represents a sense of assurance and calm deep within. This voice carries a feeling that you can survive. The Faith Voice draws on a spiritual knowing that permeates all aspects of life.
• The Perspective Voice: Perspective talks to you about reality and asks you to get a grip. He reminds you of the facts. He keeps track of history for you so that you can recall events that were worse.
• The Honor Voice: The honor voice reminds you to admire others. This voice not only asks you to see the good in others, but also to let them know that you see it. Honor helps you to demonstrate respect.

TRIGGERS

Another important concept for your self-coach is to understand your triggers. Triggers are those factors that influence emotional reactions. Those emotional reactions can be either positive emotional reactions or negative emotional reactions, depending on the trigger. In discussing emotional intelligence, triggers are important because the more you are of aware your triggers, the better prepared you are to react effectively based on your desired outcomes. Therefore, those individuals who exhibit strong self-awareness are able to understand the state of mind, situations, and other factors that are likely to foreshadow certain behavior. Triggers arise from many sources. Some are inward; others are related to our surroundings. Therefore, your self-coach must be adept at observing a variety of things. Again, he or she must also be able to switch focus quickly, going from an inward to an outward perspective, scanning self, others, situations, and surroundings.

So what are some of the potential triggers that your self-coach may need to consider? Here's a list of some possible triggers that could escalate an emotional reaction. Although we'll consider them from the perspective of causing a negative reaction, later we'll look at how the self-coach can help you identify triggers that influence your behaviors in a positive way.

Mood

Obviously, your mood can be a trigger and can escalate an emotional reaction that may result in negative behavior, including behavior that will hijack you from your intentions. We've already talked about the need for your self-coach to observe your moods. As he is tuning in to your moods, he should become more and more aware of how those moods can result in unwanted behaviors. In which moods are you most at risk for being hijacked, and what have you observed to indicate that mood is present? When I'm feeling overwhelmed, I am definitely at risk. I've come to observe several things about this state of being. First, my mind is jumpy. I jump from one thought or task to the next and have a hard time staying focused. Also, my face begins to burn. My breathing is not deep and relaxed, but shallow. I also know that if these periods are extended, my sleep is more restless. For me, being overwhelmed is an invitation to being hijacked. My ideal self who espouses wonderful values about how I intend to treat others is at risk of vanishing when I'm feeling overwhelmed. In what mood are you most at risk?

Moods and Attitudes of Others

Similarly, the moods of others can also influence you. As we saw earlier in the research, moods are contagious.⁶ Therefore, your self-coach will need to understand just how the moods of others affect you. In the workplace, is there a particular coworker whose constant whining grates on your nerves? Or perhaps it's your coworker Kristin's arrogance that rubs you the wrong way. Or maybe it's your boss, Calvin, whose constant critical eye disturbs you. Or perhaps it's none of the people at work but your significant other whose pessimism sends you off to work loaded for bear. In any event, your self-coach should be gathering information about the moods or attitudes of others and how they serve as triggers that may hijack your intentions.

Prethinking or Foreshadowing

Imagine that you had asked a certain individual at work to have some important data in your in-basket in the morning so you could finish a pressing report. You have already extended the deadline for when the data were needed. As you are driving into work, you keep telling yourself, “I'm up the creek if I don't have those data in my in-basket. I remember the last time I needed information and I didn't get it. I was the one who was blamed for not having the report done. I'm going to be so upset if this happens again.” In this example, you have already decided to be hijacked. Even before you take off your coat, you enter your office and frantically search your in-basket; you discover that, sure enough, there are no data. With the charm of a pit bull, you approach your coworker. She hands the data to you with an indignant “tskk,” saying that she thought it might be lost in your overflowing in-basket, so she tried to be nice and make your life easy by planning to give it to you directly. She resolves never to try to be nice again. If you analyze your prethinking or foreshadowing, you realize you could have predicted this mess and avoided it. And yet I realize that sometimes foreshadowing occurs because sometimes others have been unreliable. However, even if that is indeed the case, it doesn't solve anything. It just serves as a trigger to hijack you from an effective resolution. In fact, it may compound the situation, because now your negative behavior has further entrenched your coworker's negative behavior. Pay attention to any foreshadowing that you may be practicing.

Dwelling

A close cousin of foreshadowing is dwelling. Dwelling, however, lasts longer. Dwelling can set the stage for a variety of unwanted behaviors. Dwelling also entrenches our voices. Let's say I dwell on a particular injustice. Over and over again, I focus on and speak about how I was wronged. It consumes my thoughts and causes my “Egregious Injustice Voice” to speak louder and louder. Now, if some minor injustice occurs, such as being skipped at the deli counter, all of a sudden I am hijacked. Do you find yourself dwelling on things that could influence behaviors that take you away from your intentions? In fact, this dwelling may cause you to expand the situation beyond your concerns. Another example of dwelling may occur in grief. Through the mask of grief, it is difficult to see or experience joy, yet the more we dwell on the loss, the more we experience the loss. Experiencing loss is a healthy and important rite of passage, and it takes time to heal, but the difference is in remembering the loss for the joy and satisfaction that we gained, not just for the sorrow that it brings. In the workplace, if we dwell on a loss of status or position or lament the way things used to be, we will be trapped into comparing everything that occurs unfavorably to the past. We will be confined to a joyless work life.

Personality

The more you understand your personality traits, the better equipped your self-coach will be to determine potential triggers. For example, the common personality characteristics of introversion and extroversion are important considerations. If you are introverted, you realize that you need private time to recharge your batteries. If your schedule, both at work and at home, denies you private time, this may be a trigger for unwanted behavior. Also, if you have a strong need for order and your workplace is in constant chaos or change, this may trigger an emotional reaction. Information about The Type A personality is characterized by always moving, walking, and eating rapidly; feeling impatient with the rate at which most events take place; striving to think or do two or more things at once; an inability to cope with leisure time; and being obsessed with numbers and measures. Having to wait in line or having little to show for their time will trigger very negative reactions. Type Bs, on the other hand, are characterized by little sense of time urgency; little or no need for measures of achievements or accomplishments; an ability to play for fun and relaxation; and an ability to relax without guilt.⁷ For these persons, measures, comparisons, too much to do, or strict accounting for time may trigger negative reactions. Your self-coach should understand and recognize your personality. The idea is for your self-coach to understand how your personality may trigger reactions if situations compromise certain basic attributes.

Hot Words/Hot Buttons

Other triggers stem from the perception that our values may be under attack. Teaching your self-coach to scan your reaction to various words or phrases that may trigger emotional reactions is another important technique. What words make your hairs bristle? What behavior do you find intolerable in the workplace? I know of one manager who was so offended by swearing that she was incapable of being open-minded in getting at the truth in conflict situations. Any swear word she heard served as a trigger, making her judgmental before she heard the facts. Swearing violated her strict moral values. I recall a woman who got into blows with a male coworker who was criticizing “working mothers.” Any negative comment containing the words “working mothers” was guaranteed to end in a conflict. Again, this was perceived as an attack on her values. In another instance, I recall a man who would become incensed when someone attributed his accomplishments to “luck.” This man worked very hard and he viewed the “luck” comment as an affront to a value he held dear: his work ethic.

Perceived Criticism

For many people, criticism triggers an emotional reaction. The reaction varies depending on the individual, but could range from anger to defeat to self-doubt to revenge to inspiration. Ask your self-coach to identify how you react to criticism. Sure, it depends on who is delivering the criticism and how, but in general, become familiar with your reactions. Pay attention to your physiological reactions for clues. One study published in Occupational Hazards found that workers who are subjected to criticism when executing physical tasks may be more prone to injury. The participants of the study were subjected to criticism during lifting. Changes were measured in blood pressure, heart rate, and spinal compression, thus leaving them more vulnerable to injury.⁸ Physical reactions to criticism are an interesting area of research. If our physical bodies react to criticism, it's triggered by our limbic system. But physical reactions aside, think about your limbic system's messages and subsequent emotional responses to better equip you in advance to deal with criticism or perceived criticism so that you are less likely to be hijacked.

Physical Environment

Triggers could also be prompted by your physical environment. Don't underestimate the power of something as simple as the weather. I live in the North and find that after sliding my car off an icy bridge several years ago, my limbic system still pumps massive doses of adrenalin into my body at the mere mention of the word “snow” in the forecast. In fact, my limbic hijacking is so severe that it can interrupt my sleep if I know that I have to drive a long distance the next morning. Other physical factors—such as temperature, physical space, crowds, lightness, and darkness—can also trigger emotional reactions. Assess yourself to determine under what physical situations you are at your finest and when might you be at risk.

Illness/Physical Conditions

Another potential trigger is illness. When you are not feeling well, things that would normally be harmless can suddenly create a negative emotional response. Perhaps you can recall a time when, feeling under the weather, you spoke some harsh words. Or perhaps you had the opposite reaction. You simply resigned yourself to any criticism because you weren't feeling well enough to deal with it. Scan your physical state for indicators that you may become hijacked. Something as simple as a lack of sleep can also cause negative emotional reactions.

Situations

Triggers can also arise from certain situations that you associate with negative experiences. For example, I am an avid computer user. My business depends on computers, and I'm relatively adept at using a few software packages. However, the key word here is “using.” I know how to use the software, not troubleshoot systems that go down because of system incompatibility problems caused by new equipment, driver conflicts, viruses, and the like. I find these situations particularly frustrating. For some people, getting a new piece of computer hardware may be a joy. For me, I know this situation could trigger a negative reaction should a problem arise. Your self-coach will be all the wiser when he or she is aware of those situations that serve as your triggers.

BEWARE OF MULTIPLE TRIGGERS

Awareness of multiple triggers could save you from the disaster of emotional hijacking. The old adage, “It's the straw that broke the camel's back,” certainly holds true for hijacking. When multiple triggers strike, your self-coach will need to be working overtime. Let's say it's Monday morning and I'm feeling overwhelmed because several deadlines are pressing, my computer system fails, and I had to drive in the snow. My self-coach goes to Code Red Alert. For me, this is a deadly combination of triggers, and I have to be extra careful to manage my reactions or I'm headed directly down the path for a hijacking. For you, this combination may have absolutely no impact. Your combination will likely be quite different from mine. That's why your self-coach is so important. He or she is a personal adviser, who is monitoring and observing you and your situation. Ultimately, only you and your self-coach can truly advise and direct you.

The first stage is to recognize that, in fact, you are experiencing multiple triggers. Later we'll discuss how your self-coach will intervene to effectively manage your emotional reactions. But for now, awareness is key. For learning purposes, begin to record the triggers you experience during the course of the day; some of those triggers will be very mild, others will be more intense.

OBSERVING BIAS, PREJUDICE, AND FILTERS

Observing hot buttons will give you some insight into your biases and prejudices. However, because it is easy to have blind spots in this area, it's important to consciously stretch your observation skills to include these areas. They can certainly hijack your intentions if you are not aware that they are influencing your emotional reactions. One of my friends who is African-American taught me to observe how white women often pull their handbags closer to their bodies in the presence of African-American males on a busy city street. These same women will tell you that they do not prejudge, but their body language suggests otherwise. Are these women being hijacked by some unconscious fear that causes them to act differently than they intend in the presence of African-Americans? Perhaps. The point is that limbic reactions can be so subtle and so unconscious, especially when connected to prejudice and bias, that your self-coach may need some help to see clearly just where your prejudices lie. Keep in mind that as you open yourself to growth, all of these areas merit further exploration.

One way to become more sensitive to your biases and prejudices is to monitor your self-talk regarding various groups. What is your inner dialogue saying about African-Americans, Hispanics, the elderly, or other groups? Also, are there repeated inner voices that emerge when you are in the presence of these groups? If so, pay attention for prejudice that may be creeping into your thoughts and your actions. The more you can monitor yourself, the more you will be able to mitigate these thoughts with contrary evidence. However, much of this thinking may be invisible to you because you may be painfully unaware of how your thinking has been corrupted in these matters. Franky Johnson, an expert on diversity from Johnson and Lee Consulting, says, “The mind has a different place for different types of people and it works hard to keep people in that place. If you want to overcome prejudice, you have to help your mind think differently. If not, prejudice becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.” To overcome prejudice, Johnson suggests spending time with people and getting to know them. “You need to open your mind; but more importantly look in your heart to overcome prejudice,” Johnson says. “You need to allow for a different attitude when you spend time together. Your attitude should help you confront your stereotypes and spend time with others to prove your stereotypes wrong, not to prove them right,” said Johnson. Especially look for ways that you are filtering information with your rational brain. Chances are you are working on a completely false set of facts that your rational brain isn't even aware is false. That false set of facts is affecting your behavior in subtle ways that may be sending messages of exclusivity to others. Challenge your rational brain to think more inclusively. Your self-coach can play a powerful role if it poses questions to you: “How might I be excluding others? How might I be sending subtle messages of bias or prejudice? How might I open my heart to others who don't look or act like me?” I'd also suggest asking a person who is a member of another group to be your mentor. Mentoring can be a powerful experience to overcome your biases and prejudices. But be forewarned, you “risk” forming lifelong friendships and bonds with this mentor as well as changing your assumptions and “facts” about others.

OBSERVATION SUMMARY

Throughout this step, we've focused on the self-coach as a trained and astute observer. That observation takes in those things you are feeling, as well as those things in your environment. We've stressed the fact that the self-coach must constantly scan the picture so she can create an accurate assessment. In addition, we have talked about the need for the self-coach to constantly switch lenses, going from a wide view to an inner view. We've also stressed that the self-coach consider a wide variety of elements, including mood, physical environment, and the voices that present themselves in your inner talk. The purpose of all of this observation is to encourage greater self-awareness. As we said earlier, self-awareness is the doorway to emotional intelligence, and by opening the door you will instantly gain insights into yourself. By paying attention, you'll learn more about the conditions that prompt you to be hijacked from your intentions. So, through observation you will take the first steps that will serve you well in living your intentions.

Observation, however, is never-ending. You're not finished with this step. As we said, self-awareness is a circular process; so observation is constant. You'll build more and more information through observation that will increase your self-awareness throughout life. Therefore, your self-coach will serve as a constant set of eyes, seeing things about you and others that you will integrate into your emotional intelligence. Just imagine how much factual information you've gained from the time you completed high school, such as how to manage your money, how to maneuver through city traffic, how to apply for a mortgage, how to get the best deal at the supermarket, how to use a cell phone, and how to start the snow blower. All of those facts have added to your competence as a fully functioning adult. Just as the facts you have encountered in your life experiences keep improving your knowledge level; the facts that you accumulate through observation will improve your emotional intelligence. The difference, however, is that now you are acquiring more facts through observation that will improve your emotional intelligence. As we said earlier, your capacity is actually improving. But it will improve only if your observation skills are honed and if you integrate those observations into your daily life.

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³Vogelsong, Hans; Griffiths, Tom; and Steel, Donald. “Reducing Risk at Aquatic Facilities Through Lifeguard Training.” Parks & Recreation 35 (November 2000): 66.

⁴Isen, A.M., and Baron, R.A. “Positive Affect as a Factor in Organizational Behavior.” Research in Organizational Behavior 13 (1991): 1–53.

⁵George, J.M., and Bettenhausen, K. “Understanding Prosocial Behavior, Sales Performance, and Turnover: A Group Level Analysis in a Service Context. Journal of Applied Psychology 75 (1990): 698–709.

⁶Barsade, Sigal G. “The Ripple Effect: Emotional Contagion and Its Influence on Group Behavior” Administrative Science Quarterly 47 (December 2002): 644.

⁷Robbins, Stephen. Organizational Behavior, 9th ed. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall, 2001.

⁸Martin, Melissa. “Workplace Criticism May Injure Backs.” Occupational Hazards 63 (January 2001): 20.