CHAPTER 10

STEP 3: PAUSE

Always being in a hurry does not prevent death, neither does going slowly prevent living.—Ibo

If you've ever watched a classic old movie, you'll remember that scene in the flick when the star, confronted with some difficult moment, takes a long drag on his or her cigarette before responding. Then, after a long and pronounced exhale, he or she delivers the most memorable line in the movie. Just imagine Humphrey Bogart, or Betty Davis, or Spencer Tracy as they deliver that one great line with smoke still lingering in the air. Somehow, they always had it right.

Well, I'm certainly not advocating cigarette smoking for improved emotional intelligence, but there's something about that pause that would be useful to re-create. That pause serves as a cooling-down period. It allows you to put on the brakes, shift gears, and, eventually, regroup. Without it, your limbic system rushes ahead, controlling the situation without any help from your rational brain.

How many times have you made a comment that you instantly regretted? With the words still fresh in the air, you realize that those words serve no good purpose, but rather further deteriorate an already shaky situation. Alas, once they are spoken, even a team of oxen does not have the power to pull them back. I once witnessed negotiations turn on a quick anger-induced statement by the CEO that cost the company three months of down time because of a labor stoppage. And to think, all it would have taken to change the course of those negotiations and the company's profits for the year was a ten-second pause.

Daily in the workplace, those pauses that don't occur cost us time, money, and untold anxiety. I recently spent nine hours consulting with a senior executive and a member of his senior staff. The executive had made a flippant comment that sent an unintended, yet serious, message that he had lost confidence in the ability of this staff member. “Unintended” is a critical word here. Remember, the definition of emotional intelligence is the ability to manage myself and my relationships with others so that I can live my intentions. In addition to my time, the staff member spent at least 28 hours of his work time proving that he was indeed productive. He also engaged the help of the finance department to run some special reports to prove that his area had indeed been producing at a rate equal to or exceeding those of other departments. When another department head got wind of what his peer was doing, he was concerned that his numbers might look bad in comparison, so he wrote a special report justifying the additional expenses that his area had incurred that quarter. All told, when you add up staff time, consulting charges, computer time, and the like, I estimate the cost to the company of this one flippant remark to be at least $32,500. And that doesn't include the most important cost of all—the cost of missed opportunity as all concerned focused on proving their positions rather than generating new business or seeking creative solutions to other problems. Nor does it consider any damage that may have been done from an employee-relations point of view that, no doubt, had a ripple effect on the morale of others in the organization who witnessed this incident. Mind you, this was one thoughtless remark made by one person.

Make no mistake, as I look around, I see similar situations daily at all levels of organizations. Some will tend to trivialize the impact of emotions. They will point to Susie in the mailroom as being overly sensitive to a comment by a coworker. This is not about being overly sensitive. This is about real impact at all levels, across all aspects of business. The dollars lost are huge, and they are not confined to a particular area or level. And yet, if our self-coach had just been taught the art of the thoughtful pause, much of this could be avoided.

So, how do you engage that moment of pause? Well, remember in Step 2 that your self-coach had been called on to assimilate and interpret for you. There is that moment when your self-coach decides that if you continue on your present path, you are at risk of being hijacked and not living your intentions. Instantly, whenever that flash of insight occurs, your self-coach needs to have a planned and practiced technique for pausing. There should be some practiced ritual that you engage that should include three components.

First, breathe. The technique, according to Linda Jones in Heart and Soul, is to close your mouth and count to eight while breathing in slowly and deeply through your nose. Take your breath all the way down to your belly. Place your hand on your belly and feel it expand like a balloon. Gently let the air out through your mouth. Repeat at least ten times.¹

Second, there should be some physical movement that you immediately can revert to as you breathe. Examples include taking a long sip of coffee, removing your eyeglasses, adjusting your tie, getting up and stretching, or consciously shifting your body weight. A dear friend said to me that if only he would have taken a long sip of coffee before speaking, his career would probably have taken a different path.

Third, you should have a mantra that you recite while breathing and performing the physical movement. That mantra should be uniquely yours and should be something that helps you shift your thoughts and gain perspective. For example, one school principal I worked with who was prone to angry outbursts decided on a mantra that her mentor had planted. Her mentor suggested that before she speaks, she should ask herself, “Would you say that in front of a school board member?” My own mantra is, “In the overall scheme of life, is this really significant?” Over the years, I've found that those words help me to gain perspective and remain calm when otherwise I would have been hijacked. My mentor's favorite line was, “Choose your battles wisely.” Another colleague asks himself, “Is this the hill you are willing to die on?” As a young child, my shy daughter was prone not to anger, but more to fear. For courage in those moments of fear, she engaged the help of Spot, her favorite stuffed animal and constant companion. Spot's comfort line consisted of two words: “It's okay.” I remember her first day of kindergarten, where stuffed animals were forbidden; she taped a picture of Spot inside her pencil box and bravely headed for the bus stop. Nearly twenty years later, we joke about Spot's wisdom. His worn and tattered body still collects dust on her bedroom shelf. Whatever your risk, whether it be anger or fear or some other emotion that holds you back from living your intentions, having a well-thought-out mantra will get you through some very difficult moments.

The three simple actions make up this step called “Pause,” a deep long breath, a shift in your physical movement, and a mantra, should be practiced and rehearsed until you can instantly revert to this pattern. Begin practicing by visualizing. Decide on your mantra and your physical movement. Try to select a physical movement that you can perform whether sitting or standing, such as shifting your body weight to another side or running your hands through your hair. Visualize yourself doing all three things simultaneously. Now, actually do them. You can practice right now if you like. The idea is to have these steps become natural and easy for you and to be able to do them without consciously thinking of the steps.

Your self-coach should begin practicing in nonstress situations. Just before you are about to make a comment, practice the three simple actions until they become a natural part of your repertoire. Besides, I learned that once I began to practice even in nonstress situations, I found that if I kept my mouth shut and allowed for that pause, the other person would volunteer additional information or take our conversation in a direction that it would not have traveled had I not kept quiet. Conversations often took on a new richness and depth. This technique is particularly useful if you tend to be extroverted and you are speaking to your introverted counterparts; you'll find they volunteer much more information if given the luxury of that pause.

After a while, your self-coach will graduate to doing this in stressful or conflict situations. Obviously in these situations, you will reap the greatest rewards. This step allows for a cool-down period that enables the rational brain to catch up with your limbic system. It sets the stage for the thoughtful rather than reactionary behavior. Thoughtful behavior is the essence of emotional intelligence. It allows you to decide and manage your behaviors so that the chances of your intended outcome are improved. Without thoughtful behavior, your outcomes will have a much greater variance. Even with thoughtful behavior on your part, it is certainly possible that you will still not attain the outcome you seek, but your chances are improved.

For example, let's say you have a rather timid employee working for you whom you would like to inspire to become more creative and take more risks. If you are prone to angry outbursts, you may be creating an environment of fear. Creativity and fear are not good partners. According to A.D. Amar in Managing Knowledge Workers, “Managing by fear may manage employees’ low-grade senses; it will not manage their higher order faculties, which are essential to attain innovation and gain productivity in knowledge organizations.”² Amar further states that, “A manager should know that, with few exceptions, everyone looking for a decision from others has one's own alternative decision, which one may not accept for many reasons, such as the lack of confidence, a hesitation caused by the fear of rejection, a need for help in implementation, and a need for approval by others.” If your self-awareness has been honed to the point of understanding this impact you have on others, especially those who are timid, you would most likely decide that your behavior is not going to give you the desired result. Therefore, this moment of pause can create thoughtful behavior that can save your intentions, thereby improving your likelihood of gaining greater creativity from your employee. Although this won't guarantee greater creativity from your employee, the other path would more than likely have killed any chances of it occurring.

Thoughtful pause allows you to change the channel. Rather than watch a predictable ending, you can look for a new show. It offers alternatives to a tired and worn plot. Changing the channel isn't about extinguishing the emotion that you are experiencing, but rather allowing for another form of expression of that emotion, a form of expression that will ultimately serve you better.

¹Jones, Linda. “The Art of Pause.” Heart and Soul 10 (January 2003): 3.

²Amar, A.D. Managing Knowledge Workers. Westport, CT: Quorum Books, 2002.