CHAPTER 11

STEP 4: DIRECT

The only thing that will stop you from fulfilling your dreams is you.—Tom Bradley

Through observation, assimilating important data, and thoughtful pause, your self-coach has already proven himself an invaluable partner. But, you haven't seen anything yet. It is this step, which we call “Direct,” that makes the difference between a self-aware person and one who lives in mastery. You may know someone who exhibits great self-awareness, yet doesn't seem to act in a way that reflects that knowledge.

Consider Robert. Robert is the plant manager of a 1,500-employee manufacturing operation. Robert called me because he thought that some of his senior leadership team were not always candid with their opinions. Robert values honesty, and he believes that the best decisions emanate from open discussion and an honest exploration of the issues. Robert genuinely believes this. In fact, Robert led the leadership team in defining values to live by, and honesty and open communications topped the list. Further, he and his leadership team worked to define each value that should govern their interactions with one another and defined specific behaviors related to these values. In particular, Robert was concerned that one behavior was not being adhered to: speaking up whenever people disagreed with a course of action. On more than one occasion, Robert found good evidence that indeed his staff were “yes men (and women)” who were not offering their opinions when they disagreed with a particular decision or action. This created all kinds of problems for Robert and the plant, because he would find himself going down a particular path only to discover that his leadership team did not really support him. Robert was getting increasingly frustrated with this behavior. In fact, he had lost his temper at more than one staff meeting regarding this issue. Robert was indeed a very passionate leader.

I interviewed the senior management staff and discover that Robert was right. His staff often did not speak the truth on pertinent issues. However, they gave me example after example of two things that occurred whenever they attempted to speak the truth:

1. Robert would engage them in fierce debate in what they perceived as an effort to prove them wrong.
2. Robert would get angry whenever they didn't see his point of view. His anger sometimes even resulted in insulting statements, such as “You're just not a big-picture person,” “You're just not thinking logically,” or “You're just proving to me that you don't really understand our business.”

When I asked Robert about this possibility, he immediately acknowledged that, indeed, that did occur frequently. But he explained that he had told his staff numerous times that debate was a healthy thing. He chalked up his anger to his passion and immediately dismissed any impact that it could possibly have. He explained that if he really meant any of those things, the people wouldn't be serving on his senior staff. Robert knew that his behavior had caused his staff to be close-mouthed, but he thought that his staff members were the ones with the problem. He believed they needed to get over it. (Certainly, the staff did have work to do in this regard.) Robert's self-awareness was quite strong. He believed that by just telling people to accept his behavior, they should do just that and shouldn't let it affect their behavior.

Guess what? Robert was wrong.

On many occasions, I have administered The Index for Emotional Intelligence, a 360-degree assessment of emotional intelligence that informs leaders of areas of strength and weakness in their emotional intelligence.¹ It turns out that many leaders were well aware of their strengths and, in particular, their weaknesses. In fact, they were so aware that they didn't really need to take the assessment. I had one executive who scored very low on self-control tell me that if it had come out any other way, he would have seriously doubted the validity of the survey. So, the point is that self-awareness is a wonderful thing; it is fundamental to emotional intelligence, but unless we do something with this awareness, it's useless in helping us manage our relationships with others—and that makes up half the definition of emotional intelligence.

So, first and foremost, the leader must have the desire to understand. Only then can the leader take great strides to direct his or her emotional impact to gain the desired results. If you look at the situation with Robert and his senior staff, Robert was not getting the results he desired, so he hired me to “fix” his staff. It took some time for him to realize that the results were all within his reach, but that the required change needed to begin with him.

Step 4 is all about acting or behaving in a way that will increase your likelihood of living your intentions and advancing your purpose in life. It's about careful selection of your words and behaviors so they are congruent with your values. In a very practical way, it's about knowing techniques so that when you are at risk of being hijacked, you know precisely how to rein in your emotional expression. It consists of three parts: visualizing, strategizing, and implementing. In this step, your self-coach first reminds you of your intentions, then acts as a strategic partner to determine the best approach for helping you live those intentions. Finally, he provides invaluable assistance and techniques to help you know how to behave.

VISUALIZE THE END RESULT

Have you ever thought about something in such vivid detail that it seemed as though your entire being was actually experiencing this thought? It could be either positive or negative. For example, any parent with a teenage child who is out late at night with the family car can generally conjure up images of twisted metal, cracked windshields, and the ditch where Johnny lies helpless. Generally that image quickly vanishes at the sound of the garage door opener, and they breathe a sigh of relief. That visualization, complete with the sigh of relief, speaks to the power our thoughts have to induce emotional reactions. When visualizing, the greater the detail, the more opportunity for the reaction to take hold.

Research and information about visualization from the world of sports have provided insights that can be directly applied to emotional intelligence. Athletes with the most stellar performances routinely practice visualization. In one study conducted by the Elite Athlete Project at the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, top-ranked downhill skiers visualized a specific course on which they had competed. While the skiers pictured themselves going down the course, electrodes on their legs monitored muscle activity. The muscle activity recorded on the skiers corresponded to the exact muscle activity they would have experienced as they traveled down the course.² These athletes, by using recurring visualization, developed neurological patterns that led to muscular responses. The recurring neurological patterns strengthened the probability of the muscular response in the actual situation. Marie Dalloway, Ph.D. who is a renowned expert on sports performance, refers to this phenomenon as a neurological blueprint, or template, created by visualization. Dr. Dalloway further states that visualization practice strengthens the neurological patterns and increases the probability of performance outcomes that have been visualized.³

Remember our discussion of physiological component of emotions, how our bodies respond directly to our emotional states with changes in heart rates, breathing, and other bodily reactions. We also talked about training our self-coach to observe these physical cues. Now imagine taking this one step further. Not only is your self-coach able to observe your physiologic emotional reactions, but he would also be able to influence them. At the beginning of this book, we talked about your ideal self: the self that does things just right, the self you are most proud of. Throughout this book we have also talked about living your intentions. These two thoughts are central because they force you to answer these questions: “What do you stand for? What are the values you would like to live each day?” In each interaction, if these questions are central in guiding you, then you can indeed do as Stephen Covey suggests, which is to begin with the end in mind.⁴

Let's look at a practical example. Let's say you've just missed your flight, and you are now standing at the ticket counter hoping to get a seat on the next available flight to your destination. Imagine that, to say the least, you are a little more than ticked. If it weren't for the long lines at the security checkpoint, you would have had plenty of time. Not only were the lines long, but you were rerouted in the security line to another checkpoint a great distance from your gate. Even with the long lines, you would probably have caught your flight if not for the personnel issue, so you're furious that security checkpoint was understaffed. So, at this point, you are standing in front of the ticket agent, and your self-coach says that all the systems are go for a hijacking (not of an airplane to get you to your destination, although you may have considered this option, but rather a hijacking of the limbic type). If you proceed with the limbic hijacking, what may occur? Chances are you'll take out all that frustration on the ticket agent. Trouble is, who's the one person who can help you get to your destination? Right. The ticket agent.

So, let's go back to what values do you hold dear. Most people would probably not state that one of their values is to belittle people or express anger in a demeaning way. Even if you believe in accountability, you probably don't believe in holding accountable someone who has absolutely nothing to do with a problem. That's about as irrational as calling a phone number at random to yell and scream at whoever answers about your bad day. So, more than likely you are not living your values if you become hijacked with the ticket agent. Next, what is your intended outcome in this situation? You want to get on the next flight home so that you can spend time with your family. It's the ticket agent who can help you with your desired outcome. So on two counts, living your values and gaining the desired outcome, your hijacking would serve no purpose but to immediately let off some steam. If you take Covey's advice and begin with the end in mind, you would definitely see that one set of actions on your part would probably serve your intentions much better than another set of actions.

Now you could take the actual hijacking route. That's right, you could literally hijack a plane. That action would probably get you to your destination. But in that case, I'm not so sure you'd be spending time with your family, unless your family is housed at a federal penitentiary. In scenario after scenario, your self-coach can name the actions either to take or to avoid that would serve you well. However, you have to train your self-coach to think in those terms. Get your self-coach to think outcomes and values. What outcomes do you want, and in what manner do you want to achieve those outcomes?

In the workplace, we can often get outcomes at the expense of values. More and more companies and organizations are recognizing the value of both and are even restructuring reward and compensation programs and performance measures to reflect both of these important components. The leader who generates tremendous profits through tyrannical behavior is no longer acceptable in many companies. However, those tyrant behaviors are often the result of a leader who doesn't understand how to control his emotional energy. The passion that drives his results is often the same passion, turned frustration, that foils his interpersonal relationships.

Some companies use this concept to rate their employees, and any employee who scores high in results but low in values is put in an at-risk category, and their raises suffer. In addition, if they remain in that category for three rating periods, they are terminated, regardless of how high their productivity is. It takes courage and commitment on the part of a company to institute this kind of policy. High producers translate to higher profits. However, many companies realize that when these higher profits come with compromised values, profitability can decline in the long run. These companies are taking steps to integrate the way in which they do business with the results.

So Step 4, Direct, begins with training your self-coach to keep in mind the outcome and the values that you want to achieve and to visual those outcomes in your interactions with others.

STRATEGIZING TECHNIQUES

After your self-coach has successfully reminded you of the intentions and values you hold dear, you should engage your self-coach as a strategist to help you. To advise you on a particular strategy, your self-coach will need many tools and techniques at his fingertips. Without them, your self-coach will be ill-prepared to advise. Just imagine, in the scenario with the ticket agent, that your self-coach had only two ideas on how to approach the situation: yell and scream at the ticket agent or hijack an airplane. If that's the best your self-coach could come up with, you're in trouble. Most of us are already much more astute and have several ideas on how to approach the situation that would probably result in a better outcome. In fact, if we brainstormed some alternative approaches, we would more than likely come up with something ideal. What we may lack is familiarity and practice with the techniques that can hold our emotional reactions at bay. So for your self-coach to be truly adept as a strategic partner, he'll have to be well versed on a variety of techniques.

The Basic Formula

For your self-coach to help you choose techniques that will keep you from being hijacked, you need to understand a common basic formula⁵ In an unwanted emotional response, A (activating event or circumstance) + B (belief about the activating event fueled by our triggers) = C (upsetting emotional response and a regrettable action). See Figure 11.1.

Here's an example of what this might look like in the workplace:

  A: Your boss fails to recognize your contribution on the Miller account at today's staff meeting.

+B: You believe that you worked harder than anyone else on this project and that your boss's lack of recognition is an injustice (belief). Besides, you are overwhelmed because you have four other accounts (trigger).

=C: You are angry (emotional response.) You burst into the boss’ office with your resignation (action).

This is the typical formula that drives emotional hijacking. If, however, you could insert just one more step, you could drastically change the situation. Let's change the formula to A (activating event or circumstance) + B (belief about the activating event fueled by triggers) + C (redirect beliefs and thoughts) = D (new emotional response and action.). See Figure 11.2.

Example:

  A: Your boss fails to recognize your contribution on the Miller account at today's staff meeting.

+B: You believe that you worked harder than anyone else on this project and that your boss's lack of recognition is an injustice (belief). You're also highly competitive (belief). Besides, you are overwhelmed because you have four other accounts (trigger).

+C (redirect beliefs and thoughts): Find a way to redirect your emotional response so that you are not hijacked.

This step can entail many possibilities, and it will be up to your self-coach to decide. Here are some possibilities:

• I don't really believe my boss meant to slight me.
• Maybe my boss was planning to talk to me later.
• He did say something last week in support of my work on the Miller account.
• So my boss probably forgot. He isn't perfect.
• I don't need my boss to tell me that I did a good job on that account. I know I did.
• Maybe I didn't do as good a job as I thought I did.
• I will talk to my boss and ask him to give me some feedback on the Miller account.
• I will tell my boss that his positive feedback is important to me.
• My boss knows that I did a good job; otherwise, he wouldn't have assigned me the Gonzalez account.
• Whether my boss thinks I did a good job is irrelevant because I have already decided to look for a job in which I can market my analytical skills. That is what I like to do best.

=D: You shrug it off, decide to choose your battles wisely, and determine that this doesn't seem like a big deal (new emotional response and action).

Using Rational Thought to Mitigate Negative Beliefs

Remember the Dirty Dozen that we discussed earlier? Those false beliefs can lead us to emotional hijacking and thwart our intentions. If we are afflicted by any of those beliefs, we may be stuck like the turkeys George and Harriet. One useful technique in freeing us is to mitigate the beliefs that could be the problem. To mitigate these beliefs, your self-coach should engage in some self-talk that will help you to view things more realistically. In this situation, the purpose of the self-talk is to determine if you are being objective. The most important question to ask is, “Where is the evidence that this belief is true and rational?” Other key questions that can further engage your rational brain are listed below for each of the Dirty Dozen.

1. Needing Approval: “Everyone I work with must approve of me at all times.” Voices that support this belief are The Self-Doubt Voice, The Pleaser Voice, The Should Voice, and The Rabbit Voice.

To mitigate this belief, your self-coach should ask the following:

• Do you really need this person's approval?
• Will your life go on if you do not get this person's approval?
• Who/what makes this person's approval so important?
• What would be the worst that could happen if you don't get this person's approval?
• How exactly will your life change without this person's approval?
• How will it change with this person's approval?
• What is the cost of gaining this person's approval?
• How have you not lived your intentions because you've been so focused on pleasing this person?

2. Making Mistakes: “I must prove thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving at all times.” Voices that support this belief include The Self-Doubt Voice, The Perfectionist Voice, The Failure Voice, and The Should Voice.

To mitigate this belief, your self-coach should ask the following:

• What exactly is the worst that could happen if you make a mistake or do not know something in this situation?
• How will your life change if you make a mistake or do not know something in this situation?
• How can you learn from making a mistake in this situation?
• What is the cost of your fear of making a mistake or not knowing something?
• What can you learn if you admit that you don't know something?
• How have you not lived your intentions because you've been so focused on being right or knowing something?

3. Changing Others: “I have an obligation to change others who act unfairly or obnoxiously.” Voices that support this belief are Egregious-Injustice Voice, The Revenge Voice, and The Critical Voice.

To mitigate this belief, your self-coach should ask the following:

• How would your life be different if you stopped trying to change others?
• What would happen if you accepted the fact that life isn't fair?
• What would be different if you decided not to let others know they were wrong?
• How do you know that you are right and they are wrong?
• What is this belief costing you?
• How is this belief affecting your relationship with others?
• How have you not lived your intentions because you've been so focused on letting others know they are wrong?

4. Catastrophize: “When I get frustrated, treated unfairly, or rejected, I have to view things as awful, terrible, horrible and catastrophic.” Voices that support this belief are The Ain't-It-Awful Voice, The Famine Voice, The Sky-Is-Falling Voice, and The Panic/Drama Voice.

To mitigate this belief, your self-coach should ask the following:

• What is really the worst thing that could happen in this situation?
• How would your life be different if the worst that could happen in this situation actually did?
• How is this belief affecting your energy toward other things?
• How is this belief affecting your relationship with others?
• Why does being rejected by someone have to be so dire?
• What is this belief costing you?
• How have you not lived your intentions because you've been so distracted by thinking that everything is a disaster or catastrophe?

5. Others Cause Misery: “Emotional misery comes from external pressures that I have little ability to change.” Voices that support this belief are The Victim Voice, The I-Have-All-the-Luck Voice, and The Ain't-It-Awful Voice.

To mitigate this belief, your self-coach should ask the following:

• Do you have absolutely no choice in how you react to this situation?
• What do you gain from giving your power away?
• What can you do to change the situation?
• What would happen if you decided that you could change the situation?
• How have you made this situation occur?
• What role have you played in this situation?
• What is this belief costing you?
• How have you not lived your intentions because you believe this?

6. Worry, Fret, and Fear: “If something seems dangerous or fearsome, I must preoccupy myself with it and make myself anxious about it.” Voices that support this belief are The Failure Voice, The Famine Voice, and The Sky-Is-Falling Voice.

To mitigate this belief, your self-coach should ask the following:

• What is the worst that could happen in this situation?
• Is worry, fret, or fear going to change the outcome of this?
• Would some action on your part ensure a different outcome?
• Could you have avoided this situation?
• What positive outcome may result from this situation?
• What would happen if you focused on the positive outcome instead of worrying about the situation?
• What is your worry, fretting, or fear costing you?
• How have you not lived your intentions because you've been so consumed by worry, fret or fear?

7. Avoidance: “It's easier to avoid facing difficulties and self-responsibilities than to do something about them.” Voices that support this belief are The Victim Voice, The Hide Voice, and The Wallflower Voice.

To mitigate this belief, your self-coach should ask the following:

• How is avoidance making your life easy?
• How is avoidance making your life difficult?
• How has this caused you to not live your intentions or values?
• What is avoidance costing you?
• How have you been victimized?
• What responsibility do you have for this situation?
• How could taking responsibility change your situation?

8. The Past: “My past remains all important and, because something once strongly influenced my life, it has to keep determining my feelings and behavior today.” Voices that support this belief are The Failure Voice, The Self-Doubt Voice, and The Should Voice.

To mitigate this belief, your self-coach should ask the following:

• What about your past says that it must dictate how you feel today?
• What is it costing you to hang onto your past?
• How have you not lived your intentions because you've been so focused on your past?
• What would happen if you had no past?
• How would it change your perspective if everything about your past was perfect?
• What would happen if you thought only about the future and the present and never thought about the past?
• How is the past defining you?
• How is the past restraining you?

9. Unrealistic Expectations: “People and things should turn out better than they do, so I must fix them.” Voices that support this belief include The Failure Voice, The Self-Doubt Voice, The Fix-It Voice, and The Control Voice.

To mitigate this belief, your self-coach should ask the following:

• Who gave you the ultimate power to control and fix things?
• What does it cost you to think that everyone should live up to your expectations?
• How have you not lived your intentions because you've been so focused on others not living up to your expectations?
• What would happen if you stopped viewing it as your problem or your responsibility to fix things or control things?
• How can your view that it is your responsibility hold others back?
• How would your life be different if you didn't believe it was your responsibility to fix things?

10. Competition: “My worth can be measured by competitive situations.” Voices that support this belief are The Comparison Voice, The Control Voice, The Possessiveness Voice, and The Envy Voice.

To mitigate this belief, your self-coach should ask the following:

• Do you really need to be better than others?
• What is this need to win costing you?
• How have you not lived your intentions because you've been so focused on winning?
• What do you really need to win?
• Who cares if you're not No. 1?
• Can you still contribute without being the best?
• How can comparison hurt your relationships with others?
• What would happen if you were last?

11. Source of Problems: “The people and conditions in my life are the source of my problems.” Voices that support this position are The Victim Voice, The Control Voice, The Fix-It Voice, and The Critical Voice.

To mitigate this belief, your self-coach should ask the following:

• What part of your life is your responsibility?
• How would your life be different without the people or conditions in your life?
• Is it possible that you would find the same types of people and conditions elsewhere?
• How are you contributing to the people and events in your life?
• What behaviors on your part fuel the events in your life?
• What is this belief costing you?
• How have you not lived your intentions because you've been so focused on believing that others are responsible?

12. Negativity: “Certain occurrences or events are negative by nature.” Voices that support this belief are The Sky-Is-Falling Voice, The Famine Voice, and The Ain't-It-Awful Voice.

To mitigate this belief, your self-coach should ask the following:

• What possibly could be good about this situation?
• What can I learn from this situation?
• What would it be like to be free of this thinking?
• What humor can you see in this situation?
• What is this belief costing you?
• How have you not lived your intentions because you've been so focused on the negative?

Humor as a Mitigating Force

Persons being treated for cancer at the Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center are prescribed a daily dose of I Love Lucy, The Red Skelton Show, Late Night with David Letterman, the Three Stooges movies, or some other comedy series of their choice. Why? Although the research is still quite limited, preliminary studies suggest that humor may change moods that produce changes in the body chemistry that promote healing.⁶ According to the American Journal of Medical Science, neuroendocrine and stress hormone changes occur during mirthful laughter. In Pain, humor is reported to be a cognitive technique for increasing pain tolerance.⁷ According to Allan Reiss of Stanford University, a new study reported in Neuron suggests that humor activates brain mechanisms involved in reward.⁸ In fact, humor activates the same reward areas of the brain as do amphetamines and cocaine. Despite the fact that research is still in the early stages, most do see humor as a powerful force for changing perceptions, mood, and emotional reactions. Developing a sense of humor about yourself and life's situations can help redirect your emotional response. “No one is immune to taking him- or herself too seriously,” states Lawrence Mintz, Ph.D., of the American Humor Studies Association in an article on the American Cancer Society Web site.⁹ Taking yourself too seriously sets the stage for a variety of emotional responses that may be detrimental to your daily functioning. In the American Humor and Interdisciplinary Newsletter, Dr. Mintz says, “People use humor to separate the truly threatening from what's not truly threatening. You learn to laugh at the day-to-day things and reserve seriousness for what is really tragic. We tend to blow things out of proportion.”¹⁰

For example, how often is something in the workplace truly tragic? Yes, there have been serious and tragic incidences of workplace violence. But I'm talking about everyday incidents that people react to in a way that suggests disaster. Yes, you may be late for lunch because a coworker didn't give you the paperwork for the order that you were shipping, but just how much energy are you willing to invest in this emotional reaction? Too many people spend a dollar's worth of energy on a situation that is worth about a penny. If you could look at the light side, find something humorous about your reaction, you may find that life is just easier.

Mike Boccia, Ph.D, a cognitive therapist, has learned to use humor to quell his own anger when driving down the freeway. If someone cuts in front of him, rather than become angry, Dr. Boccia uses humor to put the situation in perspective. Dr. Boccia reported to me in an interview that he tells himself, “Look, that person must have gotten his driver's license in a cereal box.” Dr. Boccia looks for ways to laugh at himself and the situation. By changing his thinking or his cognitive response in these situations, he can avert a negative emotional reaction. He finds driving much more pleasurable, and he doesn't have to worry about being arrested for an incident of road rage.

Every day in the workplace, we can allow humor to shed light on our shortcomings. And you must admit that sometimes our shortcomings and mistakes are downright hilarious. If we could just look from afar with a playful heart, we would see that at times we are truly ridiculous. Sometimes, we are the most ridiculous when trying to be the most serious. Step back and appreciate the humor of you. Read the comics section in the newspaper, watch the latest TV sitcom, or go to the movies. Laugh. Identify with the characters. Where can you see yourself? Which cartoon character exemplifies you at your most absurd? Where can you laugh at yourself? The ability to laugh at our shortcomings and mistakes makes our spirit light. In lightness we can dance to greater heights.

One day I finally saw myself rushing like the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. My vision was complete with theme music, “You're late, you're late—for a very important date.” Finally it dawned on me that when I am in this frenzied state, it's funny and enormously unproductive. I also identify with Wile E. Coyote, in that I am resilient and do not give up. That's a positive quality, but sometimes I take it to the extreme. Have you ever seen Wile E. emerging after one of his encounters all tattered and torn? Sometimes I feel that way, and it could serve as a trigger to a negative emotional response. Or I could laugh at myself for being so ridiculous and allowing myself to get there in the first place. I paste up cartoon characters in my office to poke fun of myself and to serve as a reminder not to take myself too seriously. Have your self-coach look for some cartoon characters that exemplify you in some of your best “moments.” Enjoy. You're a riot.

Your self-coach could use humor as a way to redirect your thinking and to divert your potential hijacking. It's fun and harmless. Remember, the humor should be directed at you or at the situation that you find yourself in, not at someone else. In fact, Frank Prerost, Ph.D., psychotherapist from Western Illinois University, has noted that people who attain this ability to laugh at themselves actually feel a greater sense of control of their lives, and when they feel this greater sense of control, they are able to take responsibility.¹¹ The workplace is filled with great fodder for humor. Just imagine humor as private jokes between you and your self-coach. Just be sure they stay within the confines of your head.

Voices as a Mitigating Force

Besides humor, you have at your disposal other tools that could help you mitigate negative emotional reactions. But, just like everything else, if you aren't aware that you have these tools or you don't know how to use them, they serve little value. Earlier, I listed voices that could come in handy. That list included items such as The Forgiveness Voice, The Creative Voice, The Gratitude Voice, The Abundance Voice, The Good Seeker Voice, and The Humor Voice. However, sometimes these voices have been lost. In fact, one of my colleagues said that she's not sure where these voices are anymore. She thinks they might be bound with duct tape and riding in the trunk of her car.

For example, at the end of the work day, it is easy for me to look at everything that has yet to be completed. If I choose, I can quickly and effortlessly list all the things that we didn't do or didn't do very well. Yes, that's my Critical Voice coming through loud and clear. If I listen to this voice, I can convince myself that our work efforts have been below par today. Also, if I let this voice dominate, it will inform me of everything that is wrong with my staff. All of their shortcomings will suddenly come to the forefront, thanks to my Critical Voice. However, if I use humor and prod myself to use some other voices, I find that what this voice is suggesting is absurd. Yes, not everything was finished by day's end. So would we have been better off if everyone had just stayed home? Perhaps I should have given everyone a paid holiday since we accomplished nothing anyway. When we take our thinking to the extreme, we can see how silly it is. Now, I'm not suggesting that you lower your standards to accept poor performance. I'm asking instead that you be reasonable and objective in your assessment of the situation. For me, being reasonable means that I must engage some other voices. For example, I need to ask my Good Seeker Voice to tell me what my staff does right. I also need to consult my Gratitude Voice to help me see their accomplishments with a grateful eye. Also, it would help if I tuned into my Abundance Voice so that I could see how much work we have and what a good situation that creates.

Using your voices to change your emotional reaction is a very powerful tool to enhance your emotional intelligence. When we gain control over which voice is dominating our inner dialogue and make some decisions about which voice would serve us best, we are beginning to master the intricacies of emotional intelligence.

Self-Coach as Choir Director

An important technique for greater emotional intelligence is to think of your self-coach as a choir director conducting the many voices that can dominate our thinking. Getting to know that inner talk and which voices are most frequently heard is an important step in observation. Now in this step, your self-coach will want to direct the volume of those voices. Perhaps the self-critic is just too vocal, and your self-coach, acting as choir director, will want to tell him to hush a bit. More pianissimo, if you will. Your self-coach may find that sweeter voices that carry a beautiful melody need more volume. More forte please, your choir director would direct. However, expressing those voices may take practice. In fact, sometimes it even takes time to discover these voices. Your self-coach should seek out the voices that reflect gratitude, hope, joy, calm, forgiveness, reassurance, strength, and humor, and coach them to take a more prominent place in the choir in your head. These voices will redirect your emotional responses and help you to find a way to channel your energies in a direction that maintains your integrity of purpose. So next time you find that you are close to a hijacking, practice turning up the volume on those voices that can do you good versus harm.

Creating New Assumptions

Thus far, the entire point of this step called directing has been about creating new assumptions. These new assumptions are about replacing the Dirty Dozen irrational beliefs that draw us toward negative emotional responses. If you practice the techniques presented thus far, you will no doubt form healthy new assumptions that will serve you well. As you become more skilled at challenging your irrational beliefs, adding humor to your thought processes, amplifying the voices that will serve your intentions, and hushing voices that escalate negative emotional reactions, you'll find new assumptions forming. Your self-coach should be assisting you in forming new assumptions that will be uniquely yours. Here are a few examples that might help.

OTHERS WANT TO SEE YOU SUCCEED, NOT FAIL

Assuming others are on your side and care about your success will abate many negative thoughts about how the world views you. If you believe that people would rather see you fail than succeed, then you are forced to be suspicious, overly averse to risk, and otherwise self-conscious. With this new assumption, comments by a supervisor who may indeed have your best interests in mind are not viewed as condemnations but rather as useful mentoring. You can see immediately that if you would adopt this assumption, you would be less inclined to a hijacking the next time your boss says something about your performance.

OTHERS’ INTENTIONS ARE NOT TO HARM YOU

As we master our assumptions related to the motives of others, this new assumption helps us to believe the best about others rather than the worst. This new assumption helps us to feel trust and safety and frees us to take risks and express ourselves. You still may want to avoid dark lonely alleys late at night, but this new assumption will help you gain a healthy perspective about others.

MOST INCONSIDERATE ACTS ARE NOT AIMED AT YOU PERSONALLY

Most of us give way too much credit to the motives of others. Most people are not aiming their inconsiderate acts at you. Instead, they simply may be misinformed, misguided, or just not paying attention, and you happen to be on the receiving end of behaviors in these situations. More people are simply thoughtless rather than motive driven in creating a bad day for you. If you hang on to the belief that motives lie behind every action, you'll spend your work day trying to figure out the grand scheme when none exists.

YOU ARE WORTHY

This might be an assumption worth cultivating. Too often people experience the opposite and, therefore, assume that others think the same. Low self-worth can leave us feeling defensive and hurt. In the workplace, as you practice feeling worthy, you give yourself the power and freedom to perform at your top level. As long as you believe that you are not worthy, you will have difficulty achieving your full potential.

PEOPLE WILL COME THROUGH

As you shift your assumptions about other people and their performances, you'll find that a shift will occur in their performances. This is partly the result of what you're expecting to find, but it's also coming from the notion that people will perform better when we believe they will. If you think objectively about the number of people that you encounter in the workplace, most do their jobs. Most do come through. It's just that we may tend to focus on the times and the people who do not. This assumption is powerful for leaders and for coworkers.

IT'S PROBABLY NOT AS BAD AS I THINK

You've got that right. Put your rational brain to work, and I'm sure you can come up with many scenarios that could be worse. This new assumption will get you through many difficult moments. Besides, it will help you to move from your disaster-thinking to true problem-solving. If we are overcome by catastrophizing over a situation, our limbic systems render our rational brains incapable of doing their best work. And if indeed this is a problem, your rational brain is most needed.

I WILL SURVIVE

I can't help but think of this one with theme music. Just imagine Gloria Gaynor singing the words “I will survive” in a powerful voice, and you'll be inspired to believe that, indeed, you will survive, even in the face of adversity. Assuming that you are strong will make you stronger. The power behind this assumption is in knowing that your spirit is strong. We act what we believe.

TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY

Facing each day with this assumption will statistically improve your reality. In fact, according to an article by M. F. Scheier in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, optimism may also improve your life expectancy. In a five-year follow-up with patients in this heart surgery study, optimists, as compared to pessimists, were more likely to adhere to healthier habits such as using vitamins, eating less fatty foods, and enrolling in a cardiac rehabilitation program. The optimists had increased life expectancy because of these actions.¹² Therefore, this assumption will provide you with a new direction for your energy. Why? Because when you make this assumption, you suddenly have a renewed sense of how to spend your time and you enhance your sense of commitment to your tasks.

THIS IS TEMPORARY

Recognizing that most problem situations are temporary makes it much easier to recover. If we believe that our distress will be forever, then coping with the problem may seem overwhelming. Assume, instead, that our problems will pass. This creates an entirely different mindset regarding both the problem at hand and the future. People in the middle of organizational change often become para lyzed because of the chaos they experience. Their chaos is probably temporary, but depending on their mindsets or assumptions, they may not be able to see it that way, which can cause greater anxiety.

I HAVE POWER TO CHANGE MANY THINGS

When we assume power, our position changes from one of helplessness to one of control. Sure, some things we can't control, but, for the most part, situations at work are among the things we can improve. The outcome may depend on the methods we use to initiate and execute that action, but, for the most part, people respond positively to others who take action to improve situations. Career satisfaction in particular is stronger when people take responsibility for their situations. In the Pursuit of Happiness, David Myers, Ph.D., writes that one of the traits of happy people is personal control. Happy people believe they choose their destinies.¹³

Our Worldview/Workview

Assumptions form our worldview. Let's say my assumptions include the following: I have little or no power to change things; today is going to be a bad day; and people rarely come through. Then my worldview is going to be bleak. In fact, I may have difficulty getting up in the morning. Yet if people checked their assumptions, many of them would find that those are the kinds of thoughts they are carrying around. No wonder why they get hijacked. Imagine the difference in someone's attitude who has the assumptions listed above versus these assumptions:

• People, including my supervisor and coworkers, want to see me succeed.
• Today is going to be a great day at work.
• People really want to do a good job and come through.

Their entire worldview about work would be completely different. In fact, I believe that people carry sets of assumptions about work, which I label their “workview.” Of course these people probably carry the same assumptions in the rest of their lives, as well. Consider the following examples of assumptions that could change our workview (see Figure 11.3).

But wait. Isn't it true that sometimes management doesn't care that some people are insensitive, and that we have to work to survive? Sure. Any of the items listed in the left column can be true. And, I've certainly seen many examples that would support those assumptions. But, as I have seen in many examples, the items on the right can be equally true. So, it's not about which is right. It's about choosing which side you care to embrace as your workview. Chances are, if you choose the left, you will constantly be looking for and finding evidence to support your workview. Therefore, your energy and your attention will be focused on the negative, and your emotional response will certainly fit this view. Propensity for hijacking will abound. Besides, there is nothing about this workview that will solve any of your problems. It will only compound them. You'll go to work every day believing that people are stupid and insensitive and that management is out to get you. In fact, you'll no doubt perpetuate this workview. It's hard to imagine your being caring and helpful toward others if you believe that everyone around you is not helpful. We become what we believe. If, however, you focus on the right column, you will no doubt find examples to support this view, and your emotional energy will be focused on positive assumptions that should reduce your likelihood of being hijacked. The workview on the right will produce a different emotional energy that will affect your coworkers as well.

But wait again. Am I suggesting that we just deceive ourselves into thinking life is wonderful when in reality it is not? Of course not. If things are unbearable, you must take steps to change them. The question for your self-coach to help you determine is this: “Is it really bad, or do I just perceive it as bad because of my worldview?” It is your worldview or workview that frames how you take in information. Here's where your rational brain can help you sort through information to get to the truth. Your self-coach can help you look for contrary evidence.

I sometimes refer to this shift in workview or worldview as the shift from a critical heart to a grateful heart. Depending on how I look at the same set of circumstances, I can be disappointed or elated. For example, if you are a leader, a grateful heart will allow others to feel that you believe in them, feel that you support them, and feel that you care. We learned earlier that feelings affect behavior and productivity, but this has nothing to do with standards or expectations. I'm not at all suggesting that you lower your expectations. Consider the difference in the success between the leader who approaches her staff with a grateful heart and the leader who approaches her staff with a critical heart. Who's more likely to get her staff to produce more, care about quality, or treat customers well? It's workview that will frame how each leader will handle the discussion regarding quantity or quality improvements or enhanced customer care that will produce the result.

Your self-coach should be checking in with you to check your assumptions. How are you framing things? How are you looking at situations? Which heart do you carry around: the critical heart or the grateful heart? Even a quick shift in the moment will redirect your emotional response to avert a hijacking. However, this technique will serve you best if you focus on a total shift in your philosophy or worldview rather than to try to use it in the moment to avert a hijacking. If you shift your philosophy, you will experience the hijacking urge much less frequently.

EXAMPLE OF WORLDVIEW/WORKVIEW IN ACTION

If we take two common sets of assumptions and place them on a continuum, we can see how assumptions will affect our view of the world. For example, consider the following assumptions regarding self-doubt and confidence to be on a continuum (see Figure 11.4). Then consider another continuum around the assumption that we make regarding others (see Figure 11.5).

If you combine these continuums into x and y axes, the results would look like the chart in Figure 11.6. These assumptions would dramatically affect your worldview and your workview and would certainly affect your behavior.

Quadrant 1, The Pleaser: In this combination of assumptions, you would create a world in which you generally perceive others as better than you. In this situation, you would never feel equal. Power would generally shift to others, as you would not be willing to assume any power or control because you consider yourself unworthy. You would often defer to others, thereby compounding your power loss. You would generally not offer ideas for collaboration, although you would probably work hard to support the ideas of others, especially others who tend to show some type of support toward you. Fear would tend to be your most likely avenue for hijacking.

Quadrant 2, The Collaborator: In this set of assumptions, you would have the greatest opportunity to interact with others in a positive way. You would approach others in a manner that gives equal power to them and to you. You would be more likely to collaborate with others. You would be open to the ideas of others. In addition, you would offer ideas and approach life in a way that suggests you are a willing and helpful player. You would view questions from others as a way to help you gain clarity and to help you achieve your purpose. You would listen because you would have a true desire to hear what others have to say. You have mutual respect and honor for others, and this is a great source of your power. You are least likely to get hijacked when coming from this set of assumptions.

Quadrant 3, The Arrogant: This combination of assumptions would set you up as a know-it-all. You would assume that because you are competent and others are largely negative and out to get you, you would have to protect yourself. You would tend to be arrogant. You would feel compelled to spend a lot of time proving your point. You would use power in a negative way. You would rely on the power that comes from position or authority rather than the power that comes from mutual respect, because you do not have mutual respect. You would view any type of questioning as a challenge. You would tend not to listen to others because you don't believe they have worth. You could easily be hijacked to anger because others may be viewed as challenging you.

Quadrant 4, The Hider: In this set of assumptions, you would find life difficult. Your self-doubt and your belief that others are negative and out to get you would cause you to hide. You would likely not speak up in meetings. You would create systems to protect yourself. You'd feel powerless and victimized. You'd believe that others have power and that their intention is to use it against you. You would tend to be suspicious and fearful. It would be difficult for you to live your intentions. You would likely be hijacked by fear.

This is just one example of the power of assumptions and how they can affect your worldview. There are many other combinations of assumptions that we haven't even addressed, such as assumptions about sadness and joy, despair and hope, and fear and courage. Each set of assumptions will affect how we view the world and our emotional reactions to the people and events that we encounter each day. Changing your workview or worldview will change so many things. It is by far the most powerful way to greater emotional intelligence. By shifting your view, even triggers that once seemed likely to hijack you will likely dissipate because it isn't the trigger, but the assumptions that your trigger activates, that causes the hijacking. For example, bad weather isn't what causes my hijacking, but my assumption that the world is a fearful place when roads are snow covered. The fact that it's snowing is just that. A fact. So by focusing on your assumptions, your self-coach will likely find many rewards to assist you in living a more emotionally intelligent life.

Act As If

Although psychologists confirm that our experiences influence how we behave today, they also tell us that we have a tremendous capacity to determine who we wish to be tomorrow. One simple technique rooted in psychological principles is to act as if. This technique is based on the assumption that our attitudes will follow our behavior. It proposes that “if we act as if we're happy, we smile,” is as valid as “we smile because we are happy.” This technique is based on personal construct psychology (PCP). Originally drafted by George Kelly in 1955, PCP has been extended to a variety of domains, including organizational development, education, business and marketing, and cognitive science.¹⁴

So if we act as if we are defeated, we feel defeated. Conversely if we act as if we can make a difference, we begin to make a difference. If we persist in the face of obstacles, we begin to feel that we can overcome the obstacles. If we act as if we have control and influence over our lives, we begin to feel that we have control and influence over our lives. Research supporting this theory suggests that our subjective emotional experience can be altered if we behave accordingly.¹⁵ In addition, facial expression does seem to contribute to the intensity of our emotional experience and our overall moods.¹⁶ This concept is fundamental to changing our worldviews and assumptions.

If you find yourself in a pattern of thinking that is destructive, the most significant way to change that pattern is to begin acting differently, even before you believe or feel like acting differently. Thought will then follow your behavior. Most of us recognize that peer pressure among some young people can cause them to act out of character. Suddenly, they begin thinking and espousing beliefs different from what they had previously held. You can use that same concept to help you break away from destructive thoughts. Use your self-coach and find positive peers who demonstrate the behaviors you desire. Begin emulating their new behaviors and soon you will be feeling and thinking these new patterns. Feel like a victim? Take one action instead as if you are empowered. Feel low self-esteem? Take one action instead as if you have confidence. Feeling afraid? Take one action instead as if you have courage. One action at a time will feed your sense of power and courage. Practiced long and hard enough, you will gain the ability to influence yourself. Brian Tracy states in Create Your Own Future that “What this means is that you can act your way into feeling the way you want to feel. You can program your subconscious by behaving as if you already have the qualities and characteristics you most desire.”¹⁷ Is it false to act as if? No, not if your intention is to change yourself. Yes, if it is your intention to change others. Act as if is a tool for you to change and influence yourself, not to manipulate others to be something else.

Shifting

Another technique for redirecting your emotional state is a technique called shifting. Shifting isn't a preferred technique and should be reserved for those occasions when, in the moment, you recognize that you are at serious risk of being hijacked but are unable to redirect in a constructive way. Shifting is the act of transferring your focus from triggers you can't redirect to some object unrelated to whatever threatens to hijack you. Shifting is about emotional suppression. Shifting will allow you to compose yourself in the middle of a negative encounter when you might be on the verge of exploding with anger or being reduced to tears. For example, imagine that you are a pediatric nurse working on a cancer floor. An angry coworker or an unreasonable boss confronts you while you are in the middle of tending to a patient. Let's assume that you are on the verge of tears. Obviously this isn't a situation where you can very easily excuse yourself and distance yourself from the situation. At this point, you are unable to redirect to a meaningful path, but you also know that you do not wish to be hijacked to tears. What options do you have? Although your options may be limited, you can use shifting.

This shift works to control the emerging emotion and suppress it for the immediate time being. Here's how it plays out in an example. As your coworker or boss confronts you, you notice that lump in your throat or perhaps your eyes welling with tears. If you think about it, you may find that you feel humiliated or hurt or somehow violated by this person's insensitivity. If you keep focusing on what the person is saying or if you continue to dwell on the immediate situation and the humiliation or other emotions that are surfacing, you will no doubt experience an overabundance of tears and therefore, your emotions will be ruling. However, remember that we said in this situation you are unable to redirect. Perhaps the hurt or humiliation in the moment is just too intense. In this type of situation, the best you may be able to do is shift your thinking. Shifting will require you to focus on something rational, even if it is completely irrelevant, just to stop your limbic system from getting too carried away by the emotion. So, rather than think about how miserable you are feeling and the apparent humiliation, you can begin to focus on the color of your patient's nightgown or on some details as you read your patient's chart or on the capital cities of various states. The objective here is just to stop your emotional reaction in the moment. By focusing all of your energy on rational thoughts, even though the rational thoughts are not relevant, you will at least buy some time so that you can deal with the situation constructively at some later point. Because it is so difficult for your mind to function at this rational level and also dwell on the emotional reaction you are experiencing, this technique will serve your immediate needs.

Of course, much about this technique is undesirable. It serves only to suppress an emotional reaction. We've said time and again that emotional intelligence isn't about suppressing emotions, but rather finding appropriate ways to express emotions. So, this technique should be reserved for those rare situations when you are just unable to redirect your path. Later, you will want to revisit the situation and determine how you can confront the situation and deal with the conflict. If not, suppressing emotional reactions can be harmful and can lead to undesirable behaviors.

So if it's harmful, some would argue, it isn't even a worthwhile technique in the workplace. I can think of a few instances when it would be useful for you to suppress your reaction in the moment. The example of the pediatric nurse may be one of them because in this example, if you keep in mind the overriding intention and purpose that drew you to this field in the first place, you recognize that your little patient has seen enough misery. Because moods are contagious, crying in front of the patient will more than likely not serve your purpose. Other examples would include instances when your duty to the public or the customer must come first and an emotional reaction in the moment would prove disastrous. I don't think we want our airline pilots or our surgeons or our police officers being hijacked in the line of duty. Therefore, emotional suppression can occasionally serve a purpose. Ultimately, if these situations are constant, and suppression becomes a way of life, we develop high risk for undesirable coping behaviors, such as drug and alcohol abuse.

IMPLEMENT IN THE MOMENT

Thus far this chapter has discussed the need to visualize the end result, or your intention, and the need to strategize and determine a technique that you can use. The final step is, of course, to implement the technique. And, just to make it challenging, we have to implement in the moment. Chances are that if you practice these techniques you will have some success as well as some failure. However, the trick is to keep trying. I distinctly remember trying to use the technique of shifting to my gratitude voice when I was being overly critical of my three-year-old daughter. The result was that I sounded completely ridiculous. I had already started down the hijacking path by stating a laundry list of things I was dissatisfied with, and then I tried to mitigate my own negative voice with some positive comments. Trouble is, my attempt was too late. She looked at me and said, “Make up your mind, Mommy, are you mad or not?” It was hilarious. Her humor served as a perfect, yet unplanned, way to change everyone's emotional reaction.

There's really nothing much to say about implementing these techniques except, just do it. Later, your attempts with both good results and failures will provide useful information during the next step, which is reflection.

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