CHAPTER 16

EMPATHY AT WORK

He who knows only his own side of the case, knows little of that.—John Stuart Mill

A common question on performance and development reviews asks managers to suggest areas for improvement. Some common answers are listed below.

Lack of empathy is costing lost revenue, lost opportunities, and even lost lives in the workplaces of America. Customers become angry, and they take their business elsewhere. They tell other prospective customers not to do business with you. In fact, consumers take the time to detail customer service complaints on widely read Internet sites with very popular Google rankings. These consumers are so fired up that they tell thousands if not millions of others about their bad experiences.¹ The words, “lack of empathy” are directly contained in the text of many of these “reverse testimonials.”² Consider the following evidence presented in a study done by TARP (Technical Assistance Research Programs) presented in an article by John Goodman in Competitive Advantage, “On average, twice as many people are told about a bad experience than they are about a good experience.”³ According to another survey conducted by the A.C. Nielsen Co. and quoted in the Journal of Marketing, “Only 2% of unhappy customers complain, while 34% of all dissatisfied customers switch brands.”⁴ And that's only the beginning. Salespeople who lack empathy lag behind their counterparts who demonstrate a higher level of competence in this area of emotional intelligence.⁵

In hospital emergency rooms, doctors who are more empathic and take time to listen to their patients are less likely to be sued for malpractice than doctors who do not demonstrate signs of empathy, regardless of the medical care given.⁶ In fact, empathy is now being required as a competency in medical residencies throughout the country. In the most serious cases of malpractice involving death, 55 percent of patients’ families stated that the patients had told the doctor of symptoms and the doctor had dismissed their complaints.

Lack of empathy is also the source of a variety of morale problems within organizations. Leaders who do not understand the perspective of those who work for them have higher incidences of turnover. Morale also suffers.⁷ James Waldroop and Timothy Butler report in Harvard Business Review on Finding and Keeping the Best Employees that “An astonishing number of people have difficulty getting outside their own frame of reference and seeing through another person's. In other words, they lack empathy. In a sense, they never moved beyond the narcissism that is normal in childhood; they never got the instruction from parents and others that helps most people learn to understand the world from other people's perspectives. Having a well-developed sense of empathy is essential if one is to deal successfully with one's peers, subordinates, managers, customers, and competitors.”⁸ In another article in the Harvard Business Review by Tony Simons entitled “The High Cost of Lost Trust,” Simons correlated the level of employees’ trust of the manager as the most significant factor that related to high customer satisfaction.⁹ In my own research in In Search of Honor, Lessons from Workers on How to Build Trust, I found that empathy was one of the most significant factors that built high trust between leaders and employees.¹⁰

Coworkers who lack empathy cause unnecessary conflicts that cost millions in productivity. As an example, consider the case of Miller Supply, a small, profitable company providing cleaning supplies to commercial accounts. Miller had eight salespersons who spent most of their time on the road and three internal support representatives whose job was to process the orders brought in by the outside sales force. Things were going along smoothly until the day when Ruthann walked through the door to join the internal team. Ruthann bickered with the other internal staff. She complained that they were dumping on her all the jobs no one wanted. She complained that others took longer lunches than she did. She complained that the salespeople were not communicating with her. She also complained that the other internal staff were not giving her access to financial information that she needed to perform her job. And so it went. After several months, the two internal staff and three of the sales staff talked to the owner about Ruthann. The owner ignored their comments. He told them he didn't want to be involved in petty wars among staff members and suggested that they mature. Unfortunately things deteriorated. They deteriorated to the point that both internal staff resigned and the three salespersons also found other positions. But that's not the worst of it. Ruthann, now the dominant internal staff person, began to embezzle funds. Slowly at first, she would write checks to cover false expenses. At the height of the fraud, Ruthann was embezzling about $18,000 per month. The owner's lack of listening actually cost him his business. How the owner wished he had taken time to listen. Need we say more? Empathy is an essential component of success, regardless of your job or level within the organization. Empathy is understanding the perspective of others. Listening is a tool of empathy. Listening alone, however, is not empathy, because many people listen very well. But they listen with an ear toward disproving, discrediting, or somehow proving the other person's point of view incorrect or incomplete. Or they listen so that they know just the point they can make to sound important or knowledgeable in the conversation. Empathy occurs when listening turns to understanding—not necessarily agreeing—but full understanding of why people said what they said. When people listen with empathy, it is the single most powerful way of honoring another person. Listening leads to understanding, not only from an intellectual level, but also from an emotional level and is the essence of honoring others. These lines in the lyrics of the Disney classic Pocahontas beautifully describe empathy,

“But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew.”¹¹

Knowing because I tell you is much different from knowing because you have empathy. Empathy calls for a completely different level of knowing. Empathy is the ability to understand how others perceive situations. This perception includes knowing how others feel about a particular set of events or circumstances. Empathy requires knowing the perspective of others and being able to see things from the value and belief system of the other person. It is the ability to fully immerse oneself in another's viewpoint, yet remain wholly apart.

The understanding associated with empathy is both cognitive and emotional. It takes into consideration the reasons and logic behind another's point of view, as well as his or her feelings. Empathy is essential to our interactions with employees, customers and most other members of the human race. The payoff is great. When you are adept at understanding the perspective of others, you create an environment in which others feel respected and valued. People feel a sense of importance and honor in your presence. Empathy alone will not cause people to follow you, however, it is an essential foundation for leadership because empathy increases the likelihood that people feel respected. When people feel respected, they are more apt to listen and to reciprocate, are less resistant to change, and more open-minded.

Without empathy, people perceive that you are insensitive to them. Others may think you do not respect them or value their point of view. Pushback may occur. In a classic example, I watched a group of formerly industrious caseworkers become unproductive after a few months under the reign of a new supervisor. This supervisor's lack of empathy was evident daily. Some of his favorite expressions were, “This bunch of lunatics (referring to the caseworkers) are worse than our clients. If I had a dollar for every time you made a mistake, I'd be rich.” He also sent subtle messages such as not looking them in the eye when he spoke to them, interrupting them in mid-sentence, and walking out when they were speaking. This group's performance went from 350 completed cases a month to 97. Although this supervisor's behavior went way beyond lacking empathy, it speaks loudly about the effect that insensitive leaders have on performance.

So what stands in the way of empathy? Many things, but certainly one of them is emotional hijacking. We are less likely to listen when we are feeling angry, rushed, overwhelmed, threatened, or another emotion that short-circuits the listening required for true empathy. One study looked at seminarians at Princeton Divinity School. Seminarians were divided into two groups. Both groups had just finished a lesson on the Good Samaritan. Individuals from each group were told that they had to make a presentation in a building across campus. Individuals from one group were told that they were running late for the meeting, and individuals from the other group were told that they had plenty of time. On the path to the meeting location, researchers planted a person who appeared to need help. As each of the divinity students passed, this person asked for assistance. Only 10 percent of the students who were told they were running late stopped to help the person in need. A full 90 percent literally stepped over the person. Feeling busy and hurried dramatically affected their behavior. Of those who were told they had plenty of time, 63 percent stopped to help.¹² Sound familiar? So, understanding our feelings, paying attention to the triggers, and using the other methods described in Part 2 are essential.

Another common obstacle to empathy lies in our assumptions and worldview/workview. Our assumptions are blinding. It is virtually impossible to see the other person's perspective if we do not have an open mind. For example, one of the assumptions we talked about is “my coworkers don't pull their fair share. I do all the work.” If that is what you believe, then you will look for evidence to support your assumption. Empathy requires us to be devoid of assumptions, to listen with an open heart. So when a coworker approaches and asks for help, and if you are already convinced that coworkers don't carry their share and you do all the work, you're likely to respond without empathy. Or you will agree to do it, but silently resent the coworker. I'm not suggesting that empathy requires you to be used or stepped on. I'm saying that empathy requires you to experience each situation anew and not allow past assumptions and views to draw conclusions about the present without exploring the whole situation.

Experience, of course, helps shape our assumptions, but experience and assumptions can prove wrong if we project them onto the next situation. For example, in the returns department, you'll meet all kinds of customers. Some customers, unfortunately intend to take advantage of you and your company. They may berate or belittle you. Let's say you've had a string of negative customers this morning. Some were even outright fraudulent in their claims. In fact, one person said that she wanted to return something that she had purchased at the store and didn't have a receipt. You investigated the merchandise and learned that your company did not and never did sell the brand she was attempting to return. Another person entered your returns department with a forged receipt and was asking for cash back on an item. Again, after investigating the situation, you learned that the person had lied. Then along comes Mary. Mary complained she had just purchased a computer ink cartridge and that the ink cartridge wasn't working. She said that she had thrown away the receipt because she had no intention of returning the item. Of course the package was open because she had tried to use it in her printer. It would be easy to assume that Mary, too, was lying, but that assumption would stop any type of empathy for Mary. In fact, I watched a customer service person tell Mary that she didn't believe her. I heard her say, “We have customers that bring back their empty cartridges and claim that they weren't working all the time so they can get their money back. Sorry, next please.” Each situation is different, and when we let negative past experiences and assumptions affect our interactions, empathy erodes.

Empathy can be improved. Our life experiences can be crucial in supplying us data that will help us become more empathetic. Scientists at UCLA Neuropsychiatric Institute and Brain Research Institute have studied how mimicry of others can jump start empathy.¹³ We've all experienced a sympathetic wince when someone we love is in pain. Our sympathetic wince can be prompted by our child falling from her bicycle or by seeing the needle used to inoculate her against disease. We also grin as loved ones tell us about their triumphs and joys. This wincing and grinning is empathy. Scientists are able to pinpoint the exact area in the brain that controls these reactions. Additionally, the Consortium for Research on Emotional Intelligence reports studies that validate that empathy can be increased. One study in particular trained medical students in empathy.¹⁴ Students were observed before and after significant training that included medical interviews, case studies, and role plays of patients and patients’ families and the impact of the interpersonal interface in the doctor/patient relationship. Those exposed to the training, as compared to a control group, demonstrated significant and lasting improvement in supportive, empathetic behaviors. So, our goal is to use our life experiences and the people we encounter as a laboratory where we can stimulate our brain center responsible for empathy. That can only happen if we consciously choose to consider their perspective. Your self-coach should be on the lookout each day for experiences that will add to your database.

Some Suggestions for Improving EQ in the Area of Empathy

• When someone is talking to you, ask yourself what emotion is underlying his or her words.
• Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Can you understand his/ her point of view even if you don't agree with it?
• Try to anticipate the emotional reaction of people in a team meeting or in another work situation.
• Watch people's nonverbal reactions to you. What do you think they are feeling?
• When someone says something you disagree with, active listen his or her statement. Do so in a nonjudgmental way. Notice the reaction that this precipitates.
• When someone says something you agree with, stay silent about your views and draw the other person out and ask them to tell you more.
• Watch a television without the volume. Record it for later review. Try to read the emotions that the characters are portraying. Watch the show again with the sound to determine how accurate you were in your assessment.
• When listening to someone, ask that person to clarify the feelings behind his / her statement, not just the facts.
• List ten people you think are extremely empathetic. Observe their interactions with others and list the qualities, both verbal and nonverbal, that you observe.
• List ten people who you do think are insensitive to others. Observe their interactions with others and list the characteristics, both verbal and nonverbal, that you observe.
• Ask someone who you think is very empathetic to coach or mentor you.
• Role-play and video tape situations in which you would like to discuss an issue or concern. Watch the tape with a coach and look for ways to improve your skills.
• Think about the people you work with. What do you think you could to do to improve your service to them?
• Ask others what you could do to assist them.
• Think about your department's encounters with customers and anticipate how you could improve the service level your customers are experiencing.
• Ask your internal customers what you could do to assist them.
• Come up with some suggestions to improve service to your internal customers and ask them if they think your suggestions would be useful.
• Study others in the organization who are trusted mentors or advisers. How do they interact with people? What “secret formula” do they seem to have that draws people toward them?
• Assess how you are similar to those most trusted mentors in your organization. How are you different?
• Shift your focus and think of others when a problem situation comes up. Rather than think about the effect of the problem on you, think about the problem from the point of view of others—customers, suppliers, peers, other employees, the boss.
• Survey peers, employees, superiors, and others and ask them how you could be of greater service to them.
• Seek out people you normally don't talk to. Ask their opinions. Determine the effect your questions had on them.
• Walk a different path to a meeting, lunch or break. Stop and take the time to talk to people along the way. Active listen to determine their feelings and concerns.
• Express your gratitude, even for simple things like emptying the trash. Watch to determine the effect of your words.
• Express gratitude genuinely and sincerely and as often as is appropriate. Watch for the affect of your words.
• Think about ways that people have gone out of their way for you.
• Think about how a request might make someone feel before asking.
• Recognize other people's reaction to an unwanted change. What reactions do your observe?
• Try to determine a person's reaction to a change before it is announced.
• Think about diverse people you have met. How have their views surprised you?
• Think about things you have learned about people who are different from you. How can you use this information in your next encounter?
• Think about times when you have jumped to a wrong conclusion. What can you learn from these experiences?
• Watch for the nonverbal signals in your next conversation. What do you think these nonverbals are expressing?
• Watch the nonverbal signals at the next decision-making meeting. Can you see clues to what people are thinking?
• When in conversation, remind yourself to ask what the other person is thinking and feeling.

EXERCISES FOR IMPROVING EMPATHY

EQ Exercise #5: Importance Meter

Empathy gives people a sense of importance because they feel understood. List people you interact with on a regular basis in the workplace. Think about each as having a meter that indicates how much importance you place on them through empathetic interactions. What could you do to increase their sense of importance by your interactions with them?

EQ Exercise #6: The Subtle Signs of Empathy

Think about all the subtle ways people can display a lack of empathy. Examples include not making eye contact with someone during a meeting and asking for one person's opinion at a meeting and not another's opinion. Make a list of experiences you have had when you felt a lack of empathy by others. Make another list of times when you may not have displayed empathy to others.

¹Lincoln, Greg. Earthlink Debacle, http://www.mazin.net/adventures/adventures.php?week disp+15.

²Geer, David. Zenith Television, http://www.2xtreme.net/~dlgeer/Zenith.htm.

³Goodman, John. “Basic Facts on Customer Complaint Behavior and the Impact of Service on the Bottom Line” Competitive Advantage, June 1991.

Note: The research mentioned in this article was carried out by TARP (Technical Assistance Research Programs) and was originally delivered for a government study.

⁴Kendall, C.L., and Russ, Frederick A. “Warranty and Complaint Policies, An Opportunity for Marketing Management,” Journal of Marketing (April 1975): 37.

Note: The information in this article refers to a survey conducted by the A.C. Nielsen Co.

⁵Schwartz, Tony. “Coping: How Do You Feel?” Secured Lender 56 (November/December 2000): 108.

⁶Henry, Gregory L. “Continuing Medical Education for Emergency Physicians” Medical Practice Risk Assessment Track, Emergency Physicians Annual Conference 2000: audiocassette.

⁷Gerstner, C.R., and Day, D.V. Meta-Analytic Review of Leader-Member Exchange Theory: Correlates and Construct Issues, Journal of Applied Psychology 82 (1997): 827–844.

⁸Waldroop, James, and Butler, Timothy. Harvard Business Review on Finding and Keeping the Best People—Managing Away Bad Habits. Harvard Business Review, Boston: Harvard Business School Publishing, 2001.

⁹Simons, Tony. “The High Cost of Lost Trust.” Harvard Business Review 80 (September 2002): 18.

¹⁰Lynn, Adele B. In Search of Honor, Lessons From Workers on How to Build Trust. Pittsburgh: Bajon House Publishing, 1997.

¹¹© 1995 Wonderland Music Company, Inc. Colors of the World, Music by Alan Menken, Lyrics by Stephen Schwartz.

¹²John Darley, and Batson, Daniel. “From Jerusalem to Jericho: A Study of Situational and Dispositional Variables in Helping Behavior.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 27 (1973): 100–119.

¹³Page, Dan. “UCLA Imaging Study Reveals How Active Empathy Charges Emotions; Physical Mimicry of Others Jump-Starts Key Brain Activity.” UCLA News, April 7, 2003.

¹⁴—— “Interpersonal Effectiveness Training for Medical Students.” The Consortium for Research on Emotional Intelligence in Organizations, www.eiconsortium.org/model_programs/interpersonal_effectiveness_training_medical.htm.