CHAPTER 9

STEP 2: INTERPRET

The trick is to accept what makes you good.
—James Baldwin

Step 1 focused on training the self-coach to be an astute observer. So what do we do with all the data garnered through observation? Here again, you need to ask your rational brain for some assistance. One of the things your rational brain does best is analyze information. As the main character in Dragnet used to say, “Just the facts, ma'am.” The purpose of analysis is to determine stimuli and patterns that are uniquely yours and to determine just how these stimuli and patterns affect you at the moment.

SELF-COACH DATA BANK

Your self-coach should be collecting data to be stored in a master data bank that can be quickly accessed so that the information can be integrated into your behavior. The data bank would contain all the information collected about you, including your reaction to others, your triggers, your moods, your environment, and the other information discussed in Chapter 8. In addition, your self-coach must be intimately familiar with your intentions and values, a subject addressed later. The purpose of the data will be to help you quickly draw conclusions about events occurring in the moment so you can take necessary action to modify or correct your behavior. Accumulating data is the perfect way to engage your rational brain in the process, thereby slowing your limbic reactions. Remember, the goal is to partner the information from both parts of your brain so that you can react in accordance with your wishes and live out your intentions.

As in any database, your data must be organized and easily retrievable. If you are like most people, your observation skills have been intact for a long time. However, it's sometimes difficult to remember just what you've already learned through experience. I often ask myself, “Just how many times, do I have to learn this lesson before it actually sticks?” For example, I know that technology problems can hijack me. I know that when my self-coach runs up the red flag, I need to pay attention. I have come a long way in mastering my emotional reactions when dealing with technology problems. I have come to expect technology problems when I buy new equipment, add software, or otherwise change my system. I've also learned the magic of good back-up systems that save hours of hard-earned data. To learn this lesson, I had to pay attention to my limbic reactions and my rational thoughts. I had to identify the triggers, determine how I wanted to act (what my intention was in these situations), and devise a method for living out those intentions. But I couldn't have done it without data, organized and retrievable data provided by my self-coach. Do I still get hijacked? Occasionally. But not nearly as often as I would have in the past.

MODUS OPERANDI

One of the most useful concepts for assimilating and interpreting information is modus operandi (M.O.), or method of operation. The idea is that each person has a unique pattern of behavior that repeats as circumstances repeat. Just as the FBI analyzes criminal behavior for preferred methods of operation, which are akin to a behavioral fingerprint, your self-coach should look for your preferred behavioral fingerprints. For example, what happens when you get angry? Most of the time, your reaction will be the same or at least have similar characteristics. This predictable nature of your emotional reaction will help your self-coach immensely on your path to greater emotional intelligence. Also, by assimilating information into a predictable emotional reaction, your self-coach can more readily catalogue important data about you.

To start your self-coach, we've listed a few typical M.O.s for a few emotions. As you consider these M.O.s, do you see yourself in any listed here? If not, think about your patterns and create your own M.O. for various emotions you frequently experience. Ask: “How do I typically behave when I experience a particular emotion?” Or “What is the impact of a particular emotion on my behavior?” See Figures 9.1 through Figure 9.5.

The M.O.s in the figures only scratch the surface. They help your self-coach realize that patterns do exist. Train your self-coach to think about the wide number of emotions and the emotional reactions you most commonly experience. Get a handle on whether you wallow or explode or withdraw in emotional situations. Don't forget the very common nonreaction M.O. Many people have become masters at suppressing their emotional reactions. Instead of experiencing the emotion, they use various methods to numb themselves to the emotions of everyday life, including empty glaring into the television set.

Some may even go as far as destructive addictive behaviors. In a CareerOne Jobs Poll, 15.78 percent of respondents said they turn to alcohol as a way to cope with job stress.¹ Glen Hanson, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, in USA Today said that nearly 2 million more Americans used illicit drugs and alcohol in 2001 than in 2000 according to a major government survey.² In addition, in Alcoholism and Drug Abuse Weekly, researchers at the Australia Institute have concluded that a third of Australians rely on alcohol, prescription medicine, and illegal drugs to cope with stress.³ “White-collar Addiction on the Rise,” an article in USA Today, reports that white-collar addiction plagues professional business ranks and costs companies billions of dollars a year in lost productivity.⁴ Women's Health Weekly reports that more than ninety percent of the 681 people who completed their Web-based survey described the level of stress in their daily life as moderate to high. Fewer than half said they always felt capable of coping with their stress.⁵

Leading an emotionally intelligent life isn't about suppressing emotions, but about experiencing and expressing a full range of emotions in a way that allows you to live your intentions. It is about not submitting to stress to the point of practicing destructive behaviors. Your self-coach can help you understand your emotions and your emotional responses to stressful situations. Allow your self-coach to label you. It serves as a way of categorizing your behaviors so your self-coach will have data readily available when he needs it most. Granted, the human experience is diverse, and you will no doubt have experienced many of the M.O.s listed above rather than just one. However, patterns are helpful because they can give you insight into your most predictable behavior.

COMBINING M.O.S WITH TRIGGERS

The next task in assimilating and interpreting data is to combine what you know about your M.O. with the knowledge you gained about your triggers through observation. When your self-coach is capable of quickly determining what triggers cause what type of emotional reaction in you, you will be on your way to greater emotional intelligence. So you're interpreting not only what triggers hijack you, but also how you react when you're hijacked.

Let's say that at your next staff meeting, multiple triggers threaten you: you are feeling sick, you are feeling overwhelmed because of a new assignment, and you have been dwelling on the fact that no one seems to notice that you are doing most of the work. Just then, your supervisor asks you for an update on your projects and expresses disappointment that you aren't further along. Let's also assume that your M.O. when you become angry is to make sarcastic and cutting remarks, which, by the way, has not enhanced your career in the past. Your self-coach is on the verge of a gold mine if he can retrieve all of this data in the moment. If your self-coach can catch you before you open your mouth and blurt out just the right—or wrong—sarcastic comment, you may have an opportunity to save yourself. Otherwise, you may suffer by being labeled as a chronic sarcasm thrower. With some practice and with the help of your self-coach, you can avoid this career dead end. Always look for the patterns created by triggers and M.O.s. Also, look for differences in your M.O. at home and at work. Certain patterns of behavior may be different depending on where you are and who's present. The reasons for this are many, including the cultural influences in certain work environments that create norms for acceptable and unacceptable behavior. In addition, our self-control may be better at work because we're on our best behavior; when we're at home we may feel freer and less restrained, or vice versa. Circumstances also may be more or less stressful in one situation or the other. So attention to our environment and situations will shed further light on our M.O.s.

VOICE INTERPRETATION

Now your self-coach should add another data point. He should interpret any inner voices that may fuel a particular situation. For example, if you are concerned that a coworker is dumping an unfair share of the work on you, tune in to those inner voices. It's possible that your injustice voice may be blowing things out of proportion. Your voices can escalate situations quickly. It's important at this point for your self-coach to distinguish between a voice and a thought. A voice is a pattern that repeats in your thoughts, which may or may not be based in reality. For example, my self-doubt voice is a constant companion, but much of what she has to say is simply not true when I compare her proclamations to my abilities and accomplishments. That's not to say that her voice doesn't occasionally speak the truth. For example, if I thought I could climb Mt. Everest this weekend, I'd probably hear her proclaim, “What are you, crazy? You can't do that!” The fact is she'd be right. I'm in no condition to climb Mt. Everest. I haven't had the proper training nor do I have the equipment. Besides, it's Friday, and I'm nowhere near Tibet. It would take a few days just to get there. During this step of assimilation and interpretation, we're searching for relevant data. Your self-coach will need to filter your thoughts and voices through reality. Ask your rational brain to step in and look for evidence. This is a tricky step because, as stated earlier, emotions and perceptions can get in the way of rational thinking.

IMPACT ON OTHERS

The next data point your self-coach will need is information regarding your impact on other people. As you observe others, you'll find that your behavior affects them in different ways. Some people will bristle when you get angry. Others will cower. Distinguishing the impact you have on others will help you know how to adjust your behavior. Besides, just understanding that you have an impact on others is a huge accomplishment in self-awareness.

Let's say that you are at work and a coworker forgets to tell you about an important development that will affect one of your projects. Suppose some other triggers are present and you lose your cool. From experience, you know that this coworker is likely to get upset when this happens and will run to the boss to report your behavior. Your database is growing. You have lots of information to assimilate and predict that the outcome will more than likely result in a situation that is not what you would intend or desire.

BEWARE THE PITFALLS OF INTERPRETATION

If you've done a good job at observation, you should be able to keep bias and judgments at bay as you interpret and analyze your findings. Right? Wrong.

Each of us has an enormous capacity to interpret incorrectly based on some common erroneous beliefs. The problem is compounded because our rational brain has been fooled to think that these beliefs are actually facts. For example, if your rational brain thought that two plus two equals five, then no matter how many times you added a list of these numbers, you'd come up with the wrong answer. Something similar happens when we ask our rational brain to interpret data if the “facts” are incorrect. The facts I'm referring to here are erroneous beliefs and prejudices that creep into our thinking. Without discernment, they can delude our thinking, and we can base actions on these falsehoods and generalizations. However, the rational brain can take in data and reanalyze the “facts” if we permit and engage the rational brain in such activity. Therefore, if the rational brain is retrained to understand that two plus two equals four, our math computations will no longer be inaccurate. Likewise, if our rational brain is retrained to understand facts that were erroneous regarding our prejudices, then our output, including our behaviors and emotional reactions, will be different.

Let's examine these erroneous beliefs so that your self-coach will be able to detect when they invade your thinking. These beliefs are the based on the work of Dr. Albert Ellis, who developed Rational-Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT), which is an action-oriented therapeutic approach that stimulates emotional growth by teaching people to replace their self-defeating thoughts, feelings, and actions with new and more effective ones.⁶ REBT teaches individuals to be responsible for their own emotions and gives them the power to change and overcome unhealthy behaviors that interfere with their ability to function and enjoy life. Further clarity of cognitive theory is provided by Judith Beck.⁷ These 12 most common false beliefs, which I've interpreted in terms of how they may sound in the business world, I call the Dirty Dozen.

Needing Approval

“Everyone I work with must approve of me at all times.” This belief will inhibit your ability to speak the truth. Because you seek others’ approval, you'll find yourself wanting to please. Although wanting to please is not necessarily a problem, you should not sacrifice your own intentions and values in order to please others. You may find that others begin to view you as indecisive because, in an effort to please, you will find it difficult to take a stand. Also, in a leadership role, it's unrealistic to have everyone's approval. You will need, at times, to make difficult decisions that some people may not like.

Some voices that support this belief are The Self-Doubt Voice, The Pleaser Voice, The Should Voice, and The Rabbit Voice.

Common phrases that support this belief are: “I don't want him to be upset with me.” “My needs aren't important. What do you want?” “I can't possibly be good at that”

Making Mistakes

“I must prove thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving at all times.” On the surface, this sounds like a great belief for any employee. But if you probe a bit under the surface, you'll find that this belief causes our negative emotional reaction to change. It also causes us to hide our mistakes. Also, if we believe this, we find it difficult to ask for help or take advice. We are also overly sensitive to criticism.

Some voices that support this belief include The Self-Doubt Voice, The Perfectionist Voice, The Failure Voice, and The Should Voice.

Common phrases that support this belief are: “I'm sure I did it the way I was told.” “We have this running smoothly, so why change it?”

Changing Others

“I have an obligation to change others who act unfairly or obnoxiously.” The problem with this belief is that you will see unfairness and obnoxious behavior everywhere. If you follow through with this belief, you will spend your day doing nothing but pointing out these injustices, and all of your energy will be depleted. More than likely, the time and energy you are spending will frustrate you, and that frustration will hijack you to the point of insulting or belittling coworkers. You'll find customers, too, who will be obnoxious and unfair, and this belief will no doubt sabotage your success.

Some voices that support this belief are The Egregious Injustice Voice, The Revenge Voice, and The Critical Voice.

Common phrases that support this belief are: “You should be more considerate of others.” “Don't you see how you are causing problems?” “I told you about this before.”

Catastrophize

“When I get very frustrated, treated unfairly, or rejected, I have to view things as awful, terrible, horrible, and catastrophic.” Every day you're likely to be frustrated, treated unfairly, or rejected to some degree or another. You may be rejected for a job posting. You may get an assignment you don't want. You may think your supervisor favors another employee over you. If you tend to “catastrophize” over these events, then you will spend your life in a constant state of “ain't it awful.”

Some voices that support this belief are The Ain't-it-Awful Voice, The Famine Voice, The Sky-Is-Falling Voice, and The Panic / Drama Voice.

Common phrases that support this belief are: “Oh, no. What am I going to do?” “This is the worst thing that ever happened.” “I'll never get through this.”

Others Cause Misery

“My emotional misery comes from external pressures that I have little ability to change.” My job demands are overwhelming; my supervisor is an ogre; my department is going to be moved; my computer system failed. The list goes on and on. The world will no doubt continue to present a list of external pressures. If you believe your emotional misery comes from outside sources, you will always have an endless supply of reasons to be miserable.

Some voices that support this belief are The Victim Voice, The I-Have-All-the-Luck Voice, and The Ain't-it-Awful Voice.

Common phrases that support this belief are: “What am I to do?” “I always have to put up with these awful people/ circumstances.” “Why me?”

Worry, Fret, and Fear

“If something seems dangerous or fearsome, I must preoccupy myself with it and make myself anxious about it.” So it may seem frightening to stand before a large audience and make a presentation. This belief says that you should just dwell on it and keep yourself anxious and stirred. In reality, we all know that it does no good to worry, but this belief will not permit us to let go. Remember the anxiety I described about driving in the snow? I held on to this belief and dwelt on something fearsome to me. In fact, my anxiety didn't take away my fear; it perpetuated it. Besides, this is an uncomfortable state of mind to be in all day long.

Some voices that support this belief are The Failure Voice, The Famine Voice, and The Sky-Is-Falling Voice.

Common phrases that support this belief are: “I'm so worried about….” “I can't think of anything but this presentation tomorrow.” “I'm so concerned about….”

Avoidance

“It's easier to avoid facing difficulties and self-responsibilities than to do something about them.” It may indeed be easier, but this belief puts you on the path of a victim. It sets you up for not only blaming others, but also for feeling helpless regarding your own destiny. Ultimately, this belief requires you to abdicate your role and responsibility in your own life. To get the next promotion, you may be required to go to school to learn something new. Or taking on the next level of responsibility may require you to dedicate more hours to the job. In either case, if you follow this belief, you have no chance of success other than what luck throws your way. Are you really willing to turn over your entire future into the hands of Lady Luck?

Some voices that support this belief are The Victim Voice, The Hide Voice, and The Wallflower Voice.

Common phrases that support this belief are: “Well, I'll just wait and see….” “I don't know what they will do with me.” “There's nothing I can do….”

The Past

“My past remains all-important and, because something once strongly influenced my life, it has to keep determining my feelings and behavior today.” This kind of thinking will definitely get you into trouble. In essence, it says that because you were passed over for a promotion twenty-five years ago, you should still be upset about it. In fact, holding onto that bitterness defines the way you think. Take another situation. Let's say you were downsized from an executive position that fed your pride. Since then, you've not been able to regain the same position or status. Given this flaw in your thinking, you would never be able to recover from this blow.

Some voices that support this belief are The Failure Voice, The Self-Doubt Voice, and The Should Voice.

Common phrases that support this belief are: “I remember when they did this to me….” “Let me tell you about the way it's been around here.” “I don't know. I tried it once and it didn't work.”

Unrealistic Expectations

“People and things should turn out better than they do, and I must fix them.” If you really stop and think about this belief, you're setting yourself up to have all of the answers, even to the most difficult situations. Also, you're not only expecting yourself to have the answers, you're also going to blame yourself if you can't come up with solutions to everything. I'm not sure about you, but some things are just outside my grasp. And, I'm not responsible for other people's choices. I can give them the information, the training, and so on, but I can't control what they do with them. If you're a leader, you will feel responsible for every employee who fails. I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't have a sense of responsibility for others, but there's a line between a responsibility to help and a responsibility to fix. You'll condemn yourself to a life of guilt if you don't let go of this one. Also, with this assumption, collaboration isn't a part of your mindset because you should know the answers and have the fix already.

Some voices that support this belief include The Failure Voice, The Self-Doubt Voice, The Fix-It Voice, and The Control Voice.

Common phrases that support this belief are: “I don't want him to be upset with me.” “I don't care. What do you want?” “I can't possibly be good at that.”

Competition

“My worth can be measured by competitive situations.” Our society embraces winners. Since childhood, we have been engaged in a competitive mindset. We are obsessed with getting the best grades, making the most baskets on the basketball court, being the best dressed, or winning the biggest bonus. Trouble is, however, that this very mindset is counter to the culture of teamwork and collaboration that many companies are trying to foster in the workplace. If we are still entrenched in this belief, then it may be difficult to share information or ideas or resources if someone else may take the credit or gain from it. Also, competition implies a quest for winning. For you to win, someone else has to lose. Competition sets a frame of mind of deciding who is better than whom.

Some voices that support this belief are The Comparison Voice, The Control Voice, The Possessiveness Voice, and The Envy Voice.

Common phrases that support this belief are: “I can't believe Tom got the promotion. What has he ever done?” “I have to score better than Jane.” “I don't care what kind of raise I get as long as it's better than Sue's.”

Source of Problems

“The people and conditions in my life are the source of my problems.” If only the people in my life were not all turkeys; if only I worked at a better place; if only people understood the business; if only people could see my strengths; if only…. This constant belief that other people or the circumstances are to blame for all of our problems is a wonderful comfort. As long as we hold onto this belief, we have no reason to take any responsibility for any of our problems. This belief permanently stunts our personal growth. This belief sets another trap. If somehow we fix or control the people or conditions in our lives, then our lives would be better. Either position blocks us from looking at ourselves as a potential source of our own problems.

Some voices that support this position are The Victim Voice, The Control Voice, The Fix-It Voice, and The Critical Voice.

Common phrases that support this belief are: “If John would just stop doing…. my life would be better.” “John, you're the reason I can't….” “If HR would hire the right people….”

Negativity

“Certain occurrences or events are negative by nature.” This belief, grounded in the absolute, means that you can't possibly see something positive in a particular situation or event. For example, if you lose your job, you may see only the negative. But no event is singularly positive or singularly negative. Certainly there could be at least one positive thing about losing your job. If nothing else, you'll get to sleep in tomorrow morning. This belief prohibits you from looking at a situation or event objectively. You are capable of seeing only the negative. This belief will affect your ability to solve problems, as well as deal with change. If, for example, you see change as negative by nature, then no matter what happens, you will see only the negatives associated with a change and none of the positive possibilities.

Some voices that support this belief are The Sky-Is-Falling Voice, The Famine Voice, and The Ain't-It-Awful Voice.

Common phrases that support this belief are: “There is nothing about this situation that is good.” “No good will ever come out of this.” “He'll never recover from this blow.”

BEWARE OF CONFIRMATION BIAS AND SUGGESTION

Another obstacle to rational thinking is confirmation bias, which occurs when you look only for information to confirm your position and ignore any conflicting data. Let's say you are shopping for a car, and you're already leaning toward a particular brand. You will tend to focus on all of the positive information you hear or read about that brand and filter negative information that does not support your leaning. This concept is even truer if you have a particular loyalty to a certain brand. In fact, according to a marketing research study done by Dick Wittink and M. Guah, automobile brand loyal consumers will pay anywhere from $1,051 to $7,410 more than nonbrand loyal customers because their confirmation bias discounts facts and interferes with their rational processing, even on something as concrete as price.⁸

The same bias occurs in our relationships with others. If we have already decided we like a particular person or coworker, we do not judge his or her behaviors as harshly as we may someone we like less. Managers have been taught for years to be concerned with “the halo effect” when preparing employee ratings. The halo effect tends to filter perceptions so that the manager perceives only positive information because he or she had a positive bias toward the employee. No wonder claims of favoritism arise. Likewise, if you view a particular coworker in a negative light sometimes called “the horns effect,” you will look for information that confirms your bias.⁹ From an emotional intelligence point of view, this information can have an important impact that will set the stage for your encounters with that person. Each encounter is an opportunity to prove our bias. So, because we think Louise is a whiner, we search her words for complaints and ignore any positive comments she may make. Conversely, our favorable opinion of Harry allows us to overlook his negative behaviors. And more often than not, this information will be based on first impressions that are difficult to overcome.

Another popular bias that influences our interactions with others is the power of suggestion. Consider the following research as it influences decision-making.¹⁰ A group of professional real estate appraisers were asked to look at a piece of property and estimate its appraised value. Each agent was given a tour of the house and a ten-page packet of information about the house, including a list price of $65,900. Another randomly selected group of professional appraisers was given the same tour and the same ten-page packet of information about the house, but these agents were given a list price of $83,900. The first group's average appraisal was $67,811; the second group's average appraisal was $75,190. Preconceived suggestions influenced the outcome in this strictly financial decision. The impact of suggestion on relationships is likewise interesting. In a study conducted by Robert Steinberg in Group Intelligence, incoming freshman were told by their resident assistant that certain residents on their dorm floor were particularly friendly and helpful, while others were less friendly and helpful.¹¹ After one month of dormitory living, the freshman were asked to rate their dorm mates in terms of overall helpfulness and friendliness toward freshmen. In fact, the freshmen rated the group suggested by the resident assistant as friendly and helpful 42 percent more friendly and helpful than the other group. Well-meaning others inform us to “watch out for Debbie,” or that “George will never let you down.” These powerful suggestions then bias our ability to take in the whole picture, and we fixate on either the positive or negative behaviors of Debbie or George to validate the suggestion. The concept of scanning should apply here as well. Your self-coach should be scanning to assess the accuracy of the data that you've collected and to look for contrary evidence. Particularly when a relationship isn't working well, looking for contrary evidence can save you from being hijacked. Therefore, searching your rational brain for irrational bias will serve you well as you interact with others. So much of the bias and prejudice results from a malfunctioning rational brain who somehow has accumulated the wrong “facts.”

DECISION TIME

At this point, your self-coach has assimilated important information for you. He understands your M.O. and your triggers. He knows your impact on others and has checked in with your voices to see what's going on. He has checked all of this data against potential confirmation bias and suggestion. Now, it is decision time. In the moment—and frankly that will always be the tricky part—your self-coach will have to make the call. If you continue on your present path at this particular meeting or encounter, are you at risk for being hijacked? Could you become angry and say something that you may later regret? Are you on the verge of cutting sarcasm? Could you become fearful and lack the courage to speak the truth? Are you going along with a plan that you know won't work just to please others? Any of these emotions could result in hijacking. If so, the red flag should be waving and the whistle blowing. From this point, your self-coach needs some techniques that will change the emotional reaction and the outcome to more closely align with your intentions.

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¹CareerOne Jobs Poll. The Australian (October 4, 2003): 1.

²Kolchik, Svetlana. “More Americans Used Illegal Drugs in 2001, U.S. Study Says.” Alcoholism and Drug Abuse Weekly 14 (September 6, 2002): 2a.

³—— “In Case You Haven't Heard.” Alcoholism and Drug Abuse Weekly 15 (June 30, 2003): 8.

⁴Armour, Stephanie. “White-Collar Addiction on the Rise Since Sept. 11.” USA Today (June 03, 2002): Money, 1.

⁵—— “Not Unusual for Women to Cope by Engaging in Unhealthy Behaviors.” Women's Health Weekly (July 24, 2003): 67.

⁶Ellis, Albert. Overcoming Destructive Beliefs, Feelings, and Behaviors: New Directions for Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. New York: Prometheus Books, 2001.

⁷Beck, Judith. Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond. New York: Guilford Press, 1995.

⁸Wittink, Dick, and Guah, M.. Marketing research done for Cornerstone Research, Cambridge, MA, 1997.

⁹Ilgen, D.R., and Klein, H.J. “Organizational Behavior.” In M.R. Rosenzweig and L.W. Porter (Eds), Annual Review of Psychology, vol. 40. Palo Alto, CA: Annual Reviews, 1989.

¹⁰Northcraft, J, and Neale, S. Study done on power of suggestion and decision making at University of Arizona, 1987.

¹¹Steinberg, Robert. “Group Intelligence.” Intelligence (July 1988): 16.