5

Understanding others

What you will learn in this chapter

• The importance of emotional intelligence, or EQ, in effectiveness as a manager
• How to use emotional intelligence to build your negotiating skills
• How to build a personal network, and your personal brand
• The importance of a network within the organisation you work for

The cornerstone of success in management is based on two simple thoughts: know and control yourself, know and deal with others. The most successful people are not necessarily the smartest, or nicest, or even the most driven. They are the ones with the highest EQ. This stands for emotional intelligence – the ability to perceive and understand your own feelings and those of others. It involves self-awareness, empathy and self-restraint. It can be developed by managers throughout their career.

EQ became prominent in business thinking largely thanks to Daniel Goleman. He developed a framework that includes five different aspects:

1. Self-awareness Examining how your emotions affect your performance; awareness of strengths and weaknesses; being self-confident and certain about your capabilities, values and goals.
2. Self-regulation Controlling your temper; controlling your stress by being more positive and action-centred; retaining composure and the ability to think clearly under pressure; nurturing trustworthiness and self-restraint.
3. Motivation Enjoying challenge; seeking out achievement; commitment; ability to take the initiative; optimism; and being guided by personal references in choosing goals.
4. Empathy The ability to see other people’s points of view; behaving openly and honestly; avoiding the tendency to stereotype; and being culturally aware.
5. Social skills The use of influencing skills such as good communication; listening skills; negotiation; cooperation; dispute resolution; ability to inspire and lead; capacity to initiate and manage change; and ability to deal with others’ emotions – particularly group emotions.¹

Empathy: knowing others and understanding what motivates others

One of the most common mistakes to make is to assume that everyone is similar to you in personality and drivers. That’s why a personality profiling exercise like Myers Briggs, for yourself and your team, can be very useful (see Chapter 1). An extroverted thinker will be very action-focused and adopt a ‘let’s get it done now’ approach, whereas an introverted feeler will want to go for well-thought-through consensual solutions. Both approaches have their value. Having different types of personalities in teams and departments will often help you to get better results. We will talk more about this later in Chapters 9 and 15.

It is also helpful to think about personal circumstances that may drive motivation. For example, not everyone is motivated by career ambition or money. Some people are more motivated by fear of failure, or by the need for recognition from others. Understanding key drivers is vital to developing empathy. Once you understand what motivates someone, try expressing things in a way that focuses on their motivation.

For example, you want to implement a new method for forecasting sales.

• For the fear of failure person, you could say: If we do this, our chances of missing the forecast will be much less.
• For the person who is motivated by recognition, you could say: If we do this, we can enter into the sales team of the year award.
• For someone motivated by money, you might say: If we do this, we’ll hit our target more easily and get our bonus.

Letting people know where they stand

It is very important that you as a manager are clear with people about where they stand. This is vital for building trust and improving performance, and yet it is one of those things that managers struggle with most. Recently, the global head of talent for a major bank told me he was running a session for the top 150 managers – people with enormous educations, positions, and pay cheques – on exactly this topic, ‘how to have the difficult conversation’, because they avoided it. Don’t you! Try being really clear with your reports when you sit with people to review progress. If you have negative feedback, give it clearly and constructively, with examples and a commitment to help them improve. People genuinely appreciate clarity and honesty – they want to know where they stand.

Negotiating

Negotiating happens whenever you are discussing something with a department, a colleague, a customer or supplier, and you need something to be considered or implemented by someone else. Negotiating can of course also be about discussing complex deals, transactions, and agreements or settling disputes.

Think win–win

The fundamental premise of negotiating is about coming up with solutions that benefit both parties. This is known as ‘win–win’ behaviour. The worst sort of negotiation is one in which neither party wins – the ‘lose–lose’. In the middle, but generally not a good outcome, are the win–lose or lose–win scenarios. That’s because a one-sided victory can potentially lead to negative consequences. If winning comes at the expense of a damaged relationship or reputation, then it will be very short-lived indeed.²

Try to think about ways in which you can get what you want and give the other party something that will benefit them. This requires that you understand what is important to you and the other party before you enter into the negotiation. It may be that what is very valuable to you is an easy thing for them to give up. Or vice versa. Know your priorities, in terms of your ‘must-haves’ versus your ‘nice to haves’, in advance.

Build the emotional bank account

Negotiating is a routine part of management, so how you negotiate will directly affect your reputation and influence. A helpful technique is to think in terms of a bank balance. When you do things that result in benefits for others, or deliver against your promises, your bank balance gains a deposit – an emotional ‘credit’. Conversely, when you do things that disadvantage others, or don’t deliver, your bank balance loses and you have an emotional ‘debit’. The key is to build up a positive ‘emotional bank balance’ with your colleagues over time. That will help you enormously in building your influence and negotiating ability, such as the ability to call in favours when you need them.

An aspect of good negotiating skills is knowing when to compromise. Concessions on certain things, especially when they are not that important to you but are important to someone else, will distinguish you as a reasonable person and build your emotional bank account. Of course, it’s also important not to be a ‘doormat’, or someone who gives in too easily. The key is to know when it is worth letting someone ‘win’, because it will help you gain an advantage when negotiating for something bigger. An example might be that you extend the deadline on a project with your supplier, but lock in a lower price. Or give your colleague the bigger office, but take the most talented junior manager into your department.

Five tips for negotiating³

1. Don’t give a range on numerical metrics. Clearly if you say, ‘I’ll pay between £50,000 and £60,000’, anyone in their right mind is going to go for the higher number. Or if you say, ‘I need this in a week or two’, the person is going to give it to you in two.
2. Don’t say: ‘It’s up to me and I’ll decide right now.’ This can put people off. Moreover, it can be useful to say that you need to discuss things with another party before you make a final decision. Everyone benefits from thinking things through, and it will prevent you from being cornered. You will often genuinely need to check what you want to agree with a boss or colleague.
3. Never take it personally. Professionals never get flustered. By acting as if what’s at stake isn’t really all that important to you and by staying calm, even if the other person gets angry, you can gain an advantage.
4. Don’t say: ‘We’ve just got to get this done.’ If you are under time pressure and feel the need to close something quickly, you will end up making concessions that you may wish you hadn’t.
5. If you are a seller, make the first offer. Research shows that the price is higher when the seller, not the buyer, makes the first bid.

Influencing

Power gives people automatic influence in any negotiation. At Procter & Gamble they used the phrase ‘higher paid judgement’. That meant that if you were arguing on matters of opinion, then the boss would win. But there are other ways of building influence if you don’t have power.

If you don’t hold a position of authority within the organisation, your ability to influence and persuade can be developed. Your negotiating position will be strengthened if you:

• communicate your case clearly and concisely, and with confidence;
• support your position with evidence and facts;
• show respect for others and listen to their points of view;
• encourage an engaging and meaningful two-way conversation;
• gain the full support of senior managers. With this backing secured beforehand you can effectively use others’ positions of authority to garner influence.

Generally speaking, if you communicate well, are trying to be helpful to others, and assist people in achieving their goals you will quickly build influence.

Networking – why you need to …

I once got a call out of the blue from a former boss of mine whom I’d worked for in Germany. He was a lovely man, very personable, with a John Cleese type of humour (which stood out all the more as he was a Brit in Germany), and we’d had a good working relationship. I’d lost touch with him over the years, although we’d both since relocated to the UK. After we had exchanged pleasantries he continued: ‘No doubt you’re wondering why I’ve suddenly gotten back in touch, after all these years. The truth is, Rob suggested I give you a ring because I’m new to the UK and need to start networking. Rob said you’re really good at it. Could you give me some pointers?’

I was both flattered and confused. Flattered because it’s always nice to be asked for advice, especially from a former boss. Confused, because I’d never thought about whether or why I was good at networking. But I knew it wouldn’t have been easy for him to make that call. Of course I was happy to help.

That little vignette contains many of the key points about networking. First, everyone needs to do it. Secondly, you never know when or how former contacts will be useful. Thirdly, most people are eager to help others if they ask for it. Fourthly, networking, like other aspects of management, is a skill that can be learned.

The power of networking

You need a good network to develop new knowledge and skills, uncover new opportunities, further your career, garner business intelligence and leads, and identify potential role models. Networking is also interesting. Done well, it can be a real source of learning and motivation. If you regard it as a chore, or a mercenary exercise, you will neither enjoy it nor gain much benefit.

Networking can be face-to-face, in work settings or socially, or online. Be prepared by practising the answer to the key networking question, ‘What do you do?’ And developing a tiny USP for yourself. Always be ready to take an opportunity that comes your way. You might answer the questions depending on who is asking and how they ask: you may refer to your family and hobbies; it depends on the context. Always have your business card handy. These days, you can also ask to connect on LinkedIn while the meeting is still fresh in your mind.

But also remember the cardinal rule of networking: sell yourself, not your stuff.

Business networking is about building up mutually beneficial relationships. It’s not about selling. I once made the mistake of approaching a leading director on the dance floor at the club Christmas gala to mention that our organisations were discussing a potential business deal. ‘I know,’ she said brusquely. ‘But we are not going to discuss it here!’ and discoed away. We didn’t get the deal and that person still avoids me to this day.

Heather Townsend, author of the FT Guide to Networking, describes networking in a formula:

Opportunity = Credibility x (Personal Brand + Visibility + Social Capital)

While I wouldn’t necessarily be that formulaic, she has a point. So let’s look at each one briefly:

• Credibility is simple Do you do what you say you will? Are you trustworthy? Are you a gossip? The more you can answer yes to the first two and no to the third, the higher your credibility will be.
• Personal brand is about how you come across What are your personal values and what do you stand for? A positive personal brand is a great thing. I know many people who, although not particularly powerful within their own organisations, are at the top of every external list of influential people because they have mastered the art of networking and have built an immensely powerful personal brand in the process.
• Visibility For many people, the issue will be about being visible as opposed to invisible. So how do you build visibility? The first thing to ask is: Who are the right people? Define your target audience. Is it a functional industry sector such as the marketing community? The City? Is it a sector network? Such as healthcare, the defence department, or fashion? Or is it movers and shakers in the educational world? Or is it a geographic community, such as the Midlands or Humberside, or the Middle East? Once you’ve done that, it is time to uncover who influences that target audience, so you can adopt a strategy of influencing the influencers. This involves researching the individuals and organisations that are most influential to your chosen target so that you can raise your visibility with them.
• Social capital This concept is very similar to the emotional bank account discussed earlier. It’s about building your positive bank balance with people more broadly. Volunteer for projects that will help your organisation or industry association. You can also be a connector, or a super connector as Malcolm Gladwell calls them. Super connectors are constantly using their networks to introduce people who may benefit from the introduction, often at no benefit to themselves. Most people are happy to help others, and if you are perceived as someone who likes to connect and help other people, then they will naturally think of you when opportunities occur. In addition, you will improve your own happiness.

Build your network within your organisation

Don’t overlook networking opportunities within your own organisation. Every organisation is characterised by ‘key players’ – those who have the ability to influence or possess the knowledge most valued by others. Be mindful that it isn’t only those occupying senior positions; those in less senior positions often possess valuable knowledge, or are the gatekeepers to it. Although it isn’t easy to recognise such people, by discreetly asking colleagues who they recommend for x or y, you begin to build up a picture. It is likely that the same name or group of names is mentioned time and time again. By connecting with influential people you can then begin to tap into their network of contacts to further extend your own sphere of influence too.

Top tips, pitfalls and takeaways

Top tips

• Listen to others when you network; let them speak.
• Use the concept of the emotional bank account: when you help someone, you gain an emotional ‘credit’ – a store of goodwill for the future.
• If you cannot deal directly with someone, influence the influencers.

Top pitfalls

• Going into ‘sales’ mode in a social setting, or too early in a relationship.
• Thinking you are too important for someone – for example, a journalist in the trade press.

Top takeaways

• Understanding others is a vital part of core business skills such as negotiating, as well as cultivating a network.
• Negotiating can involve a win for both sides.

¹ Goleman, Daniel, Emotional Intelligence, Bantam Doubleday, 1996, p. 2.

² Kennedy, Gavin, Negotiation: An A–Z Guide, The Economist in association with Profile Books, 2009, p. 250.

³ Adapted after Mike Hoffman, 11 Jan. 2012, Inc.com, Mansueto Ventures LLC.