CHAPTER 3

CONGRUENCE:
ACTION VERSUS INTENTION

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all the time.

—ABRAHAM LINCOLN

Agreement and harmony between what you say and what you do are paramount to instilling trust and generating charisma. The more consistent and congruent you are in every aspect of your message, the more honest and genuine you’ll be perceived to be. If you don’t believe in your message, others won’t believe in it. When you practice what you preach, they will start to practice what you preach. When you achieve congruency, you will become more authentic. This authenticity is what helps you magnify your charisma and draws people to you. When you possess congruency, you don’t need to manipulate, hide, or camouflage your behavior or your message.

Congruence opens the door to influence and charisma. It increases your believability and likeability. You attain congruency when your message is synchronized with your beliefs and values. It occurs when your voice, body language, words, and vocal tone are all congruent and aligned. It comes from making sure your verbal and nonverbal messages are in agreement. Congruence is even more important when your topic is highly emotional. To enhance your charisma, your complete message has to be congruent. When your messages are not in agreement, you come across as not so trustworthy, doubtful, less than knowledgeable. and lacking in charisma.

Think about your overall history and, more specifically, your last interaction. Were you congruent? Does your nonverbal behavior match your actions? Are you sure? Are your emotions congruent with your message? When your past encounters don’t align with your message, the mismatch triggers incongruence. The feelings of incongruence will usually manifest as a gut feeling. Suspicion will increase, and your audience will start to look for things that are wrong with you or your message. Distrust causes your charisma to plunge. Your inconsistency will decrease your ability to gain influence because humans can be natural lie detectors. When we attempt to fake congruence, we spend most of our time and mental energy trying to fake our message, triggering incongruence.

Deception, of course, is wrong—no doubt about it. But you can trigger incongruence simply because you get nervous or uneasy and inadvertently show signs of deception. Sometimes, even if you are telling the truth and think you are congruent, you might be sending subliminal signals of incongruency and deception. The audience can’t always identify exactly what is making them distrustful, but they feel that way and that is all that matters. We all show micro expressions that happen so rapidly that the conscious mind can’t perceive them, but the subconscious can sense them. Micro expressions are quick facial mannerisms that reveal deception or nervousness.

Another thing that causes a blip on your audience’s deception radar is a disconnect between your emotion and your reaction. For example, if you make an angry face, then pound the table with your hand five seconds later, obviously you are not feeling that emotion. Be careful that you are congruent with every aspect of your message.

Congruence is simple to understand and difficult for many people to achieve. You waste mental energy when you are trying to remember a past lie or what you said in the last encounter. Attempts to deceive just suck the energy and life out of you and your presentation, causing your audience to sense that something is wrong. When you tell the truth, are consistent, and know what you believe, you are naturally congruent and more charismatic.

BLIND SPOT

Even when you feel congruent, you may not look congruent. Whether you are deceiving or not, whether you are insincere or not, you might be coming across as if you are. A little fib? A white lie? No one will know. We think others can’t tell. They haven’t said anything about not believing you or your message. A little deception has worked before, and no one has called you on it. Most people can sense incongruence and rarely will say anything about it. Every gesture and movement you make will either attract or repel your audience. You will either come across as congruent or incongruent. People are reading you like a book. Do your gestures match your message?

APPLICATION

Everyone can pick up on your nonverbal behavior. We sense something is not quite right. Others will sense any form of incongruence or deception radiating from you. Be aware that many of your current nonverbal actions will trigger incongruence. They might be a natural part of your behavior, but they could look like deception. Here some things that can trigger a sense of deception:

Forced eye contact

Shifting back in chair

Rubbing or touching lips

Scratching your face

Dilated pupils

Yawning

Rising voice pitch

EXAMPLE

Mahatma Gandhi is a great example of someone who was congruent. He spent many years in prison and led many nonviolent campaigns for civil rights and against taxation, poverty, and discrimination. His biggest victory was the independence of India from a foreign power. Everyone knew that what he said, what he did, and how he felt were all the same. Once he was invited to speak in England to the House of Commons. He spoke and captivated the audience for over two hours with no notes and no preparation. Even after a speech of that length, he got a standing ovation from a very skeptical audience. They asked his personal assistant how he could speak so long without any notes. The assistant said, “Gandhi says what he feels and says what he thinks; they are one in the same.”

CHARISMA KEY

Watch your gestures, your body language, and your vocal tones. Are they congruent? The best (and most painful) way to reduce the degree of incongruence in your messages is to record a video of yourself. When you watch yourself, you can pick up things you never knew you were doing that detract from or destroy your message. When you really get brave, you can have a colleague watch the video with you for some genuine feedback. Just remember that every gesture, word, or tone of voice will either say “congruent” or “incongruent.” Don’t delay doing this; do it today.

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