CHAPTER 29

EMPATHY:
COMPASSION CREATES FRIENDSHIP

If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.

—DANIEL GOLEMAN

The word empathy has both Latin and Greek roots. The two parts of the word mean “to see through” and “the eye of the other.” The ability to see through the eye of another creates long-term charisma. When people know that you can see what they see, feel what they feel, and hurt the way they hurt, then they will be willing to let you influence them. Empathy is more than being aware of other people’s emotions and feelings. With it, you have the ability to acknowledge and identify the inner state and well-being of other people. You can experience what they feel, know the emotions they are experiencing, and realize how those emotions would make you feel. This enables you to understand the attitudes, beliefs, and fears of others; you have entered their world as they know it. Empathy builds trust and respect, and long-term charisma is based on empathy. Charismatic people have the ability to pick up the subtle clues and the nonverbal signals indicating what is really happening inside another person.

Empathy is not sympathy, which is being able to relate to other people. Empathy is feeling for them and understanding them. Empathy is putting on their shoes and walking around in them. Learn how emotions work; practice reading people and using sincere empathy. Empathy is very difficult to learn from a book. We live in a self-absorbed world, and being empathetic is contrary to almost everything we’ve learned from society. Most people are not naturally empathetic; they have learned to be selfish and self-centered. Empathy is identifying with and understanding someone else’s situation, feelings, and concerns in a realistic, sincere way. People will be surprised and drawn to you when you practice empathy.

When you accept the whole person unconditionally, you create empathy. You are able to accept the other person’s strengths and triumphs, along with their weaknesses, failures, doubts, and fears. Developing empathy helps you feel better as a person and actually increases your happiness. We all have been told to put others first, but few people actually can do it. The people who can put others first become more charismatic. The people around them would do anything for them. Empathy will also increase your personal satisfaction and increase your productivity. Did you catch that? You are helping yourself while helping others and increasing your charisma.

BLIND SPOT

Empathy is a skill that we have never been taught. We have felt it and we have seen it in action, but most of us aren’t sure how to implement it. We get so consumed with our world and our problems that we forget to learn how to care about other people. Yet those other people are the ones who are going to help us achieve our goals. One blind spot is failing to understand that pretending to care about other people is not showing empathy. Charismatic people have the ability to demonstrate sincere, genuine empathy. Another blind spot is thinking that sympathy is empathy. There is a difference.

APPLICATION

You can start implementing empathy in your daily contacts and conversations, but it takes some practice and evaluation. After every encounter, ask yourself what you did well and what you can do better next time. Try these steps to increase your empathy:

Mentally prepare yourself to hear the other person’s message.

Listen with your ears, mind, and heart.

Read their body language.

Evaluate the true message being sent.

Acknowledge the feelings and emotions being displayed.

Practice taking on their perspective.

Respond with empathy.

EXAMPLE

Nelson Mandela, the former president of South Africa, is a great example of empathy. He showed that he truly cared and always followed his values and principles. He knew the importance and power of empathy. He often said, “The best way to know a person is to walk a mile in their shoes.” He spent 27 years in prison for his beliefs, and many people wanted him to take revenge on the powers that imprisoned him. He wanted to set things right, but he did not want to retaliate or to create more victims. He united a divided country using his example, his empathy, and his patience. He taught the people to seek understanding rather than revenge and to find points of agreement rather than points of contention and argument.

CHARISMA KEY

Although empathy takes some effort, perfecting this skill is worth every moment you spend. When you are truly empathetic, you will be more trustworthy and charismatic, and you will increase your productivity and inspire commitment in others. Our rushed modern life does not cultivate the mindset or skills of empathy. You need to look for opportunities to develop empathy. Just start off by asking yourself two questions during your conversations.

“How would I feel if I were this person?”

“Why is the person feeling that way?”

Practice this starting today. Find one person to whom you can demonstrate empathy, and show them you truly care.

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