CHAPTER 20

EYE CONTACT:
CONVERSING WITHOUT SPEAKING

An eye can threaten like a loaded and leveled gun, or it can insult like hissing or kicking; or, in its altered mood, by beams of kindness, it can make the heart dance for joy.

—RALPH WALDO EMERSON

Through the eyes, the audience can gauge the truthfulness, intelligence, and feelings of a speaker. Not making eye contact when we ought to can have devastating results. Charisma is enhanced with perfect, engaging eye contact. Do you have the eyes of a magnetic person? Do your eyes attract and mesmerize others?

Charismatic people have the ability to engage others in eye contact and create an instant connection. The longer you hold a mutual gaze with someone, the more you are rated as having high self-esteem. However, it is critical that you do not stare at the person 100 percent of the time. You need to be able to gauge how much eye contact someone can handle. Besides, looking at someone 100 percent of the time means one of two things: You are either very angry, or you are falling in love.

Learn to mirror their eye contact. If someone isn’t able to maintain eye contact with you, then you need to decrease your eye contact to maintain the connectivity. As a general rule (one that gets adjusted slightly for each person), maintaining eye contact 70 percent of the time will work with most people. When people are uncomfortable around you, have low self-esteem, or are unsure about themselves or the situation, they will find it hard to maintain eye contact. This feeling can also be heightened if they feel threatened or if you are perceived as an authority figure.

We know people want to feel special and have their egos enhanced. When you can look them in the eye, they tend to feel that you care or that you are speaking directly to them. With eye contact, you can help them feel important and they will become the focal point during the conversation. When you break eye contact too often or too soon, you can also break the connection. In a group situation, gaze at each section of the room. Even though you are not looking at each person individually, you appear to be. Your eyes can speak louder than your voice. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “The eyes of men converse as much as their tongues.”

The pupils of our eyes are among the most sensitive and complicated parts of our body. They will dilate when someone is aroused or interested, and this dilation is the result of years of evolution. It is an automatic eye function that allows more light into your eyes in order to catch additional information. Being able to see each other’s eyes is so important to our communication and trust levels that we usually distrust a person wearing sunglasses. We assume that the use of sunglasses is a direct attempt to hide the eyes for fear that the eyes will reveal the true message.

We judge each other not only by the length of eye contact, but by the eyes themselves. Bloodshot eyes are less credible (and harder to look at) than normal-looking eyes. Larger pupils are rated as being more attractive. Take a look at some magazine covers. The pupils of the models are touched up to make them bigger and more attractive, probably because, when we become excited or happy, our pupils tend to dilate. Photos of people with enlarged pupils are subconsciously rated as more attractive.

BLIND SPOT

The blind spot is thinking, “How hard can this be?” But mastering eye contact takes some practice. A typical mistake is the length of our eye contact. One size does not fit all. One standard gaze will not connect with everyone, but you have to vary your eye contact depending on the person, culture, personality, and even race. Most people tend to stare others down even though they don’t intend to. Having influence and charisma is difficult when you make people feel uncomfortable. We’ve all been told to make eye contact but were never told with whom, when, why, or even for how long. Many people get tense with the length of your eye contact.

APPLICATION

How can you enhance your ability to improve your eye contact and learn to connect with others? You can use eye contact to assess whether you have developed rapport with someone. Here are some pointers to improve your eye contact and rapport.

Switch the eye you are looking at. If the other person does the same, then you have developed rapport.

When eye contact has been made, start nodding in the yes motion. If the listener does the same, then you have developed rapport.

Once you have established good eye contact for three to five seconds, look away. If they do the same, then you have developed rapport.

Increase your gaze time and see if their pupils dilate. If they look away, then you have not developed rapport.

When you have established eye contact and it seems like no one is home, you have not developed rapport.

When you make eye contact and smile, and they don’t smile back, you have not developed rapport.

EXAMPLE

An excellent presidential example (regardless of political affiliation) is President Bill Clinton. He had many of the pieces of the charisma puzzle, especially eye contact. Those who have met Bill Clinton say he is inspiring and genuinely interested in the people in his presence. When he talks to you, his eyes are also talking. His eyes treat you like the most important person on Earth. His gaze makes you feel in awe and comfortable at the same time. You feel as though he cares and what you are saying is important. His chief of staff Leon Panetta reiterates how Bill Clinton could make anyone feel at home and feel like the only person in the room with him.

CHARISMA KEY

Apply your ability to make great eye contact. It sounds easy on paper, but it is all about application. When you feel anxious, dominated, or nervous, you will find it hard to maintain eye contact. Take a deep breath and realize what you are doing. Get control of your emotions, and make a mental note that the other person is just as human as you are. If you are still having challenges, just look at the bridge of the person’s nose. This will settle your nerves, and the other individual will have no idea you are looking there. You can also switch between eyes or between eyes and the mouth. Make sure you are not staring them down. Today, practice using the right amount of eye contact to connect and build rapport.

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