CHAPTER 22
RAPPORT:
THE INSTANT CONNECTION
It is not your customer’s job to remember you. It is your obligation and responsibility to make sure they don’t have the chance to forget you.
—PATRICIA FRIPP
We have all met someone who, after just a few seconds of being together, we felt an instant connection or bond with them. We also have probably all met someone whom we instantly did not like and did not want to be around. When you can develop rapport, when you can connect with anyone, when others feel comfortable around you, then you can enhance the effect of your charisma. Others will pay more attention to you, they will want to be influenced by you, and they will open up more readily. Rapport is when two (or more) people synchronize mentally, physically, and vocally. If you disconnect, it will take an hour or more to repair the connection. How do you come across to others? Can you instantly develop a rapport with someone? This is a vital skill of charismatic people: to instantly connect with someone without even thinking about it.
Rapport creates trust and puts us on the same wavelength as the other person or audience. You probably have seen rapport at work many times. Remember when you met a perfect stranger and just hit it off? Finding plenty to talk about, you almost felt as if you had met before. The connection just felt right. You became so comfortable that you could talk about practically anything, and you lost track of time. You developed such a strong bond with the person that you knew what she was going to say. Everything just clicked between the two of you, and you felt very close to this person. You felt your ideas were in sync, and you enjoyed your time together. This is rapport.
You can speed up the natural process of connecting and building rapport by understanding the unspoken message. How do you make sure you are really developing rapport? You want to be friendly, but not fake. You want to be engaging, but not annoying. You need to develop a natural instinct for building rapport. You need to know whether you are building rapport and, if not, how to adjust your conversation. To do this, you have to be able to read nonverbal cues, detect unspoken messages, and decipher the true feelings behind facial expressions, body language, and attitude.
With rapport, people want to be around you, like to be around you, and feel better about themselves for being around you. Thus the power of your charisma grows. One challenge that people face when building rapport and charisma is that they can lose that connection just after they start to gain it. What do I mean? Most people don’t know how to maintain rapport throughout the entire exchange. They know how to break the ice and get people to open up. Then, when they get around to asking someone to help, to donate money, or to change their lives, something strange happens. All of a sudden, they get serious and their demeanor changes. What is the other person going to think? Someone they were joking with for the past ten minutes has now completely morphed into a different person. Which one is real? This abrupt change in persona breaks rapport and seems incongruent to others.
BLIND SPOT
We are so concerned about how we look, what is happening in our lives, what we have to do next, and how to boost our own self-esteem that we forget to connect and build rapport with others. We need to be aware of two blind spots. The first is not taking the time to really care about and connect with other people. The second is when we make weak, fake, and insincere efforts to connect, our efforts actually come across that way. The other person won’t tell you, so you think you’re connecting. Rapport is critical to charisma, and, even if people talk to you or are nice to you, you are not necessarily developing rapport with them.
APPLICATION
A handshake can make or break that first impression. Thus it can help or hurt rapport. Your handshake communicates strength, weakness, indifference, or even warmth. What factors are you being judged on? Here are some things you need to be aware of when you shake hands with someone:
Length of eye contact
Strength or weakness of grip
Duration of handshake
Moisture of hands
Depth of the interlock
EXAMPLE
Whom do we all know who can develop instant rapport with one person or with millions at the same time? You have heard the name: Oprah Winfrey. She started on television in 1983 in Chicago. She quickly went from last place in the ratings to the first-place spot. Her guests and her audience feel at ease with her personality, her conversational styles, and her sincere and genuine interest in people. She uses herself and her personal life on a level that builds rapport with her fans. She is often seen crying with her guests and relating to them because she has experienced many of the same challenges in her life. She is like a good member of the family sitting down to have a chat or just to talk about your problems. She radiates empathy, uses humor, and we know she cares. Oprah is rapport.
CHARISMA KEY
One way to speed up your connection or rapport with people is to mirror and match. Today, try this with everyone you meet and communicate with. Without even realizing it, we often unconsciously mirror others” behavior, mannerisms, mood, and gestures. This behavior is just a natural process when we connect with someone. Have you ever noticed at social gatherings how people tend to match each other in their body language and their attitudes? When you can develop a similar demeanor with your audience, they will feel a connection with you. Remember, people are inclined to follow those they perceive as similar to themselves. If they shift in their posture, you eventually do so too. If they cross their legs, you cross your legs as well. If they smile, you smile too. Try the mirror-and-match technique today. You will be amazed how well it works.
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ADDITIONAL DELIVERY AND COMMUNICATION RESOURCES (LAWSOFCHARISMA.COM)
Support articles
Section support audio: “How to Win Over an Audience Every Time”