CHAPTER 35

HOW YOU REPEL PEOPLE:
DON’T DRIVE THEM AWAY

Do you repel people? Most people would say no, although most of us do things that drive people away. No doubt you have met people who just rubbed you the wrong way. They repelled you, you did not like them, and you didn’t want to be around them. You probably never told them what they did wrong or how they made you feel; you just left and hoped you would never see them again. When people are repelled by you, you can’t have much influence over them, and they are not likely to view you as charismatic. What mannerism or things are you doing that turn people off, cause them to run away, and drive down your charisma IQ? For example, do you appear nervous, upset, or tense? Charismatic people help other people relax and put them at ease.

You can be offending and upsetting people and not even know you’re doing it. You may think you’re just being friendly or even concerned, but you are doing things that will attract or repel others. I am not here to sugarcoat the point: In my studies, I often get to talk to people after you have (or someone else has) tried to connect with them or tried to influence them. They don’t complain to you, but they complain to me about the things you are doing and don’t even know you are doing. Others will be nice by not telling you, but not knowing what you are doing to repel others will cost you money and charisma.

Here are some of the complaints and things you could be doing that repel others:

Talking Too Much: Having the gift of gab, or being able to make small talk with anyone you meet, can definitely be used to your advantage, but watch yourself. How can you influence others if you are always talking? It will be very annoying to your audience if they sense that you like hearing yourself talk more than listening to their wants, needs, or concerns.

Showing How Much You Know: Many times, in our impatience to impress our audience with our knowledge and wisdom, we simply list the countless reasons why they should do what you want them to do. When you simply spit out all the features or overpersuade, you give your audience no room to ask questions or to make a decision. You come across as forceful, aggressive, and obnoxious.

Getting Too Friendly Too Fast: Gone are the days of picking out something in a person’s office and talking about it to be friendly. People see right through your attempts to befriend them, and the attempt usually will backfire on you. Research tells us that the majority of people do not appreciate unsolicited small talk, and many find it offensive. People buy from those who understand their wants and needs.

Getting Too Comfortable Too Fast: You want to feel at ease so that you can put the other person at ease. Perhaps you just may want to get to know the person, but what you are doing is repelling. When you touch things on the desk, move something special to a different spot, or even sit down in their own personal chair, you can create resentment. Respect their things and they will respect you.

Too Old-School: Are you coming across as an old-school persuader who is using techniques that are so lame, so offensive, and so outdated that they repel the other person? Are you stuck on using some of those closing skills that should have been banned years ago for cheesiness? Another way to disconnect relates to how you handle their objections, brushing them aside with well-worn phrases and tactics. You have heard the objection before, but how you handle it causes you to be judged as arrogant and condescending.

Proxemics: Proxemics is the study of spatial separation. On a practical basis, how close can you get to someone before the person becomes tense and uneasy? The distance you keep or don’t keep when influencing someone communicates a message. You must respect personal space, or you will make others feel uncomfortable. When we sit at a table or across from a desk, we each draw invisible lines of our perceived personal space. When you violate these invisible territorial lines, you create tension. We all have regions or areas where we permit others to enter or prevent them from entering.

TAKEAWAY

These mistakes are silent charisma killers. Most people will never say anything to you that will alert you to the fact they are being repelled. They are more comfortable lying to you so that they don’t hurt your feelings. They walk away and simply never deal with you again. This obstacle is such a killer because we don’t even realize we’re doing it. Here are other things you could be doing that repel people:

Exaggerating the details or features

Asking unnecessary questions

Coming across as too smooth

Arguing or trying to prove you are right

Annoying persistence

Lack of enthusiasm

Poor follow-through

Negative attitude

Being one-sided with your facts

Exerting high-pressure tactics

Exaggeration or hype

Insincerity with your connectivity

Showing any sign of deception

Sense your fear of rejection

Making lame excuses

SUBCONSCIOUS RESOURCES (LAWSOFCHARISMA.COM)

Support articles

Section support audio: “Mood Matters: Emotions That Hinder Persuasion”

Section worksheet