Manage Yourself

Emotions are a part of life: humans are hardwired to have emotions. Acknowledging your emotions explicitly is more productive than telegraphing your emotions through physical displays.Coaching for Improved Work Performance [Fou00] Physical displays show you’re not ready to hear what the other person has to say. And, physical displays, especially around subordinates, scare people. When you manage how you respond to your own emotional reactions, you make it easier for people to bring you any news, especially bad news.

Awareness is the first step.

Become aware of your physical habits and how you display your emotional state. We know many people who drum their fingers, bang the table and grimace and are completely unaware of it. Even your beloved authors don’t always know what we’re doing that could be driving someone else crazy (our husbands do). Ask someone you trust for feedback. Notice when people have a reaction you don’t expect—pulling back from the table, stepping back—and then notice what you are doing and what your emotional state is.

Notice triggers.

Once you become aware of what you are doing and what’s going on inside, notice the situation. Often particular situations trigger emotional and physical reactions. If you’ve had run-ins with Marketing in the past, you may assume that the next meeting will be a run-in too and prime yourself for an emotional display.

Choose your response.

This is easier said than done! Habits are hard to break, especially unconscious physical responses. But awareness of the trigger and your own emotional state provides a starting place. Coaching can be helpful.

Manage your emotions.

People who are unable to manage how they express their emotions may need more than coaching. We’ve heard of people who received Botox injections to keep their emotions off their faces. That’s not what we mean. We are people, and people have emotions. Screaming and yelling can be manifestations of emotions. But screaming and yelling are not acceptable outlets for your emotions at work. People who cannot or will not manage themselves should not manage other people.Quality Software Management, Volume 3: Congruent Action [Wei94]

Obtain feedback about how you appear to others.

Select two or three people you trust, and ask for feedback on how you behave and respond in various circumstances. You’ll probably hear information that confirms you are managing some tasks and people well. You may also hear some surprising or unsettling information about how other people perceive you. Try to remain open to that feedback—whether you agree or not, it is the other person’s perception. Remember that if one person says you have a green tail, he may be seeing things. But if several people say you have a green tail, it’s time to look behind you to see what’s there.

Keep a journal to help you notice how you respond in different circumstances.