Partners Soothe

Imagine you are the parent of a small child who wakes up in the middle of the night frightened by a bad dream. In tears, the child comes into your bedroom. What would you do and say? The answer is easy—you would model bravery and confidence; you would carefully listen without judgment; and you would offer great empathy as you seek to calm and encourage. The principles used for a small child with a bad dream are the same for protégés in a state of anxiety.

Scared protégés feel victimized in some way. The source of the fear may vary. We all have our hot-button triggers hardwired to early experiences and learnings, albeit sometimes causing irrational beliefs. Regardless of what’s driving the protégé’s sense of victimization, the response should demonstrate the complete absence or even hint of threat. The attitude of the mentor should always be one that reflects calm and confidence. A calm attitude will help to reflect humility and the attitude you want from the protégé. A confident attitude will soothe because in the tense early stages of mentoring you want the protégé to know you are confidently there for him or her.

Another essential in partner-like soothing is humility, our label for sincere compassion, authentic concern, and total vulnerability. Humility is crucial in the mentor’s response to a scared protégé because it communicates “I am not your enemy.” It announces a kind of no-fight-or-flee zone in order to calm the anxious protégé out of the “ready to flee” amygdala-driven mode. It begins with creating a connection that demonstrates sincere interest and obvious concern. Use open posture and eye contact. Listen to the protégé and, equally important, look as if you are listening. The tone chosen is equally important. Again, model the attitude you would like the protégé to assume. Let the protégé witness your genuine interest and concern.