Surrendering
Accepting
Gifting
Extending

PART 5

EXTENDING—NURTURING A SELF-DIRECTED LEARNER

There are limits to dialogue. This book thus far has assumed that all mentoring occurs in a high-quality conversation between a mentor and a protégé. While it is true that the mentoring process is largely a conversational proceeding, it would be shortsighted and limiting to assume that dialogue is the only path to discovery and insight.

In fact, dialogue itself can be seductive, and the relationship can be codependent. Mentor and protégé in time become very comfortable with each other. The mentor derives personal satisfaction from watching the protégé learn; this leads to more conversation, more encounters. The protégé also finds pleasure in the wisdom of the mentor and the spirit of the consultation. While comfort is clearly helpful for communication, it can be a barrier to experimentation. Both mentor and protégé look forward to the next meeting, ultimately becoming so dependent on the relationship that neither is inclined to risk losing it.

While “codependent” might seem too strong a word, even a small degree of dependency can spoil the spirit of growth. The litmus test is the emotional discomfort either party would experience if the relationship came to an end. If either party’s need to end the relationship is marked by guilt or resistance, some codependency has probably infiltrated the relationship.

An effective way to avoid codependency is to extend the learning beyond dialogue. As new forms of learning become available, the protégé discovers new routes to self-sufficiency. The ultimate extension takes the mentor completely out of the equation, leaving the protégé to find his or her own way to competence—and independence.

The bias of most managers is to narrow, not extend, to build loyalty rather than liberty. Consequently, this final core competence is rather counterintuitive, much like surrendering, accepting, and gifting. However, as uncomfortable as it may be, the greatest contribution you can make to the protégé’s development is to let the relationship evolve to a point at which you are no longer needed. That contribution begins with extending.