Giving Advice Without Getting Resistance

Advice giving works only in the context of learning—that is, when you are offering advice because you believe that the protégé’s performance will be improved if his knowledge or skill is enhanced. This is important, because for advice giving truly to work, you must be ready for the protégé to choose not to take your advice. If the protégé has no real choice about honoring your advice, then you should simply give a directive and be done with it. Couching your requirement as advice is manipulative and will only foster distrust and resentment.

There are four steps for making your advice giving more powerful and more productive. Pay attention to the sequence; it is crucial to your success.

Step 1: Clearly State the Performance Problem or Learning Goal

Begin your advice giving by letting the protégé know the focus or intent of your mentoring. Suppose you’re offering advice about improving the performance of a new skill the protégé is trying to master. You might say, “George, I wanted to talk with you about the fact that although your last quarter call rate was up, your sales were down 20 percent.” For advice giving to work, you must be very specific and clear in your statement. Ambiguity clouds the conversation and risks leaving the protégé more confused than enlightened.

Stating the focus—an important coaching technique in general—helps sort out the form and content of the advice. Is the problem something that is not working or something that is lacking? Stated differently, is the occasion for the advice a skill deficiency (requiring mentoring) or a will deficiency (requiring coaching)? Being clear up front about the purpose of your advice can help focus your scattergun thoughts into laser-like advice.

Step 2: Make Sure You Agree on the Focus

If what seems to you a performance challenge is seen by the protégé as something else, your advice will be viewed as overcontrolling or smothering. Make sure the protégé is as eager to improve as you are to see him improve. You may learn that the protégé has already determined what to do and has little need for your advice. Your goal is to hear the protégé say something like, “Yes, I’ve been concerned about that as well.”

What do you do if you think there is something the protégé needs to learn but the protégé is unwilling? Many lessons get “taught” (but not learned) under this scenario. As Abraham Lincoln said, “A person convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”

Take a broader perspective. If a performance deficiency needs to be remedied, have available objective information that you both can examine. If all else fails, wait until the protégé shows more readiness to learn. To abuse the adage: you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him think. Although protégés are by no means horses, they can sometimes be as stubborn.

Step 3: Ask Permission to Give Advice

This is the most important step. Your goal at this point is twofold: (1) to communicate advice without eliciting protégé resistance and (2) to keep ownership of the challenge with the protégé. This does not mean asking, “May I have your permission to …?” Rather, you might say, “I have some ideas on how you might improve if that would be helpful to you.”

I know what you’re thinking. What fool is going to tell her boss, “I’m not interested in your advice!”? Most protégés will heed your advice, of course, and many will be grateful for it. But remember, your goal is to communicate in a way that minimizes the protégé’s being controlled or coerced—especially the perception of being controlled.

The essence of resistance is control. None of us is thrilled to be told what to do, and some are more defiant than others. So what do you do if, despite your best efforts, you sense protégé resistance?

Two rules: (1) Never resist resistance. Back off; take a second. Examine your stance, tone, choice of words to see whether you might be inadvertently fueling the resistance.

Then: (2) Name the issue and take the hit! Sometimes, simply stating in a low-key, nonconfrontational way how you see the situation—while assuming culpability—can drain the tension. You could say something like this: “I could be wrong on this, but I worry that I may have come on too strong just now and implied that I was commanding you. That was not my intent.”

Step 4: State Your Advice in First Person Singular

Phrases like “you ought to” quickly raise resistance! By keeping your advice in the first-person singular—“what I found helpful” or “what worked for me”—helps eliminate the shoulds and ought-tos. The protégé will hear such advice unscreened by defensiveness or resistance.