Listen to Learn: Be a Mirror

One of the biggest challenges of anyone with children striving to be a good parent is simply to listen without an agenda. Especially if a child is the second or third child, since the first one gave you lots of practice at saying no. Whenever a child begins to catalog his concerns, convictions, or curiosity, it is natural for a parent to feel the need to make a point, teach a lesson, correct an action, or offer some caution. But when a parent finally gives up trying to be a smart daddy and mommy and simply works at being a mirror, a child will begin to open up, trust, and—most important—feel heard.

When asked, “How would you … ?” wise parents work hard to remember to ask what they would do—before offering an opinion. When a child voices frustration or concern, before answering, smart parents try first to communicate through actions that the child’s message has gotten through—especially when the parent’s answer is likely to be different from the one the child thought he or she was going to get. The adage “You are not eligible to change my view until you first show that you understand my view” serves you in two ways. First, it helps you stay focused on being heard rather than making points. Second, it tells your listener that he is important.