Partners Understand

It is important to remember that before you can engage in facilitating insight, you must get the protégés out of the part of the brain they are currently in (the amygdala) and into the part of the brain where learning and discovery occur (the cerebrum). The amygdala is telling them to get ready to flee or fight. The actions of the mentor need to signal that the protégé’s defensive stance is not necessary. Humility begins to set the stage, but it is the search for understanding that causes the protégé to shift from the frightened posture to a receptive and accepting mode.

Empathy is an expression of kinship and a powerful partnering practice. It says to the protégé you are like the protégé—not above or below. It means using words that communicate complete identification with the protégé, that you fully appreciate the impact the fear of the unknown has on him. It is like saying, “I get it! I know just how uncomfortable this is. I am in tune with where you are, and I would feel just like you do if I were entering a relationship like this one.”

It is important to show confidence while demonstrating empathy. In other words, it is inappropriate for the mentor to wallow in bad feelings. Remember, empathy is not synonymous with sympathy. Your protégé does not need someone to cry with (sympathy or shared weakness); he wants an understanding shoulder to cry on (empathy or the gift of strength). Empathy communicates understanding and identification. It means listening to learn, not listening to make a point or to correct. Deal with feelings before you deal with facts.