Chapter 7
The Bully
The Problem
Your colleague is a bully. When you’re speaking in meetings, he doodles, sends e-mails, whispers to colleagues—to the point of distracting others, and sometimes even you, from what you’re trying to say. He’s also blown up at you in front of others for petty reasons. You dread interacting with him and find yourself constantly waiting for his next attack. You can’t just brush it off, and it’s ruining your focus at work. The specifics may sound silly to someone who’s not experiencing this, but to you it feels like psychological harassment.
Why It Happens
Bullying in the workplace is not much different from what happens on the playground. Bullies of all ages want to manipulate the political and social power in their environment to control others. You’d think we’d outgrow it, but it’s all too common in the office: In a 2010 Workplace Bullying Institute survey conducted by Zogby International, 35% of Americans reported being bullied at work. Why is the problem so widespread? People and organizations put up with the bad behavior, afraid to confront or penalize the culprits.
What to Do About It
Being bullied at work can wreak havoc on your mental and emotional health—and your performance on the job. This happens a lot, according to a study by Christine Pearson at the Thunderbird School of Global Management and Christine Porath at Georgetown University’s McDonough School of Business: 78% of participants who believed they’d been treated rudely by colleagues said they felt a decreased commitment to their work, with a direct negative effect on their performance. You—and your work—don’t have to suffer. These steps will help you change the dynamic.
Consider his intentions
Some bullies don’t mean to be bullies. So make sure you aren’t projecting a motive that isn’t there. If, for example, a peer consistently criticizes you in public, think about what he might actually be trying to accomplish, suggests leadership consultant Ron Ashkenas. Is it possible he has honorable intentions? Is he being critical of you or just striving to ensure high quality?
Gut-check your feelings with a work friend, or discreetly ask a trusted colleague to sit in on a meeting where the problem usually arises. A neutral perspective may help you see that the bully is not out to get you. Perhaps he’s insecure in a new role and overcompensating, for instance, or he lacks the emotional intelligence to see how cutting his words and actions are. If he doesn’t realize how he’s coming across, you can pull him aside and ask him if everything is OK. “You seemed angry about that report. Is there something we should talk about?” As with many of the political challenges in this guide, it’s entirely possible that your colleague is so wrapped up in his own thoughts or anxieties that he has no idea how he behaves toward you. Simply mentioning it might make him more self-aware.
With third-party feedback, you may also realize it’s not you; it’s him. Knowing that, you can shrug off his bad behavior more easily. Bullies notoriously pick on people who appear weak and fragile. Show that you’re not afraid of criticism and that you’re willing to stand up for yourself, and your bully may well back down.
Offer an olive branch
Disarm your bully by expressing your desire to have a good relationship with him. If he’s intentionally pushing you around, he’s assuming you’re his adversary. So show him that you want to be on the same team. If he routinely derails your project launches, approach him before the next one: Tell him how important his input is and that you appreciate his eye for potential obstacles. After you’ve set a constructive example, he may change his tune: “Maybe I should have come to you with my concerns before the last launch . . .” Even a small concession like that can be a first step toward a more productive working relationship, says communication and branding expert Dorie Clark.
Find safety in numbers
Although you don’t want to create a rival gang to counter the office bully, there is power in people banding together to support one another publicly. If you notice your bully targeting others, too, tell them about the behavior you’ve observed and what you’ve experienced yourself. Discuss how you might join forces. You could agree to stand up for one another in moments of confrontation, for instance, or help one another anticipate and address the bully’s criticisms. At the very least, you’ll have others to turn to when you’re feeling the need to vent.
Break the pattern
It’s easy to get trapped in a negative pattern with a bully. He always does certain things, and you always respond in a certain way. Maybe you find yourself complaining to a colleague after every showdown. Or you try to outbully him by doing your own masterful doodles and rolling your eyes when he talks.
How do you put an end to this destructive dance? The easiest thing to change is your own behavior. Take a quick walk outside after a frustrating encounter. Or send a positive e-mail, such as a thank-you note or a compliment to another colleague you’ve been meaning to write. Break the cycle of negativity with something positive.
Call him on it
Book a one-on-one meeting with the bully. Public confrontation will only exacerbate his natural tendencies, so find a space where there’s no audience. Bullies often bank on the fact that people won’t call them on their behavior, so your initiating a meeting will get his attention.
Suppose your bully is passive-aggressive. He makes snide remarks under his breath, and you’ve heard from reliable sources that he’s bad-mouthing your ideas to the rest of the team. Tell him you’d like to talk to him because you get the sense he’s unhappy with the proposed process changes (or whatever he’s grumbling about). Stick with the facts. Don’t attack him, as in “You always do such and such . . .” Instead, be specific and neutral, Clark advises. Say something like, “In today’s meeting, you were muttering to yourself when we went over the process proposal. I wanted to discuss it because the same thing happened at last week’s meeting, and I’m concerned about the way we’re interacting. Can we talk about how we’re working together so that we can both be more effective?” Be direct, but give him the opportunity to express his point of view (see chapter 14, “Conducting Difficult Conversations”). Ask him how he thinks his concerns can be addressed.
The same technique works well for colleagues who are more blatantly disrespectful: “You asked some great questions this morning, but your tone was pretty harsh. I’m wondering, was there a problem?” Odds are, the bully will back down immediately because he doesn’t want a confrontation. Your directness will serve as a warning: You noticed his behavior, and you’re willing to address it. At a minimum, observes organizational development and HR expert Susan Heathfield, it makes the bully think twice about targeting you in the future.
PUBLIC FLOGGING: JASON’S STORY
WHAT HAPPENED:
When I first began working in a well-known global consulting firm, a senior colleague asked me to prepare data slides for an important client presentation. He gave me very specific, detailed instructions on what he wanted and then left for the night. When I reviewed the task, I thought I could do the same thing a lot more efficiently. So that’s what I did.
The next day, as we were presenting the material to the client, he called up my data slides. When he saw I hadn’t done it the way he’d asked, he just went nuts. He embarrassed me in front of the client and my peers. He even followed me back to my desk after the presentation to continue haranguing me. It was awful. But that was typical of the way he treated me the entire time we both worked there.
WHAT I DID:
I avoided him. I did no favors for him, never volunteered to help him, just tried to fade into the background as far as he was concerned. And I secretly celebrated each time he made a mistake. It didn’t make him go away, but at least I kept my distance.
DID JASON GET IT RIGHT?
Jason might have turned things around if he’d shown more empathy for his colleague. Yes, this guy was a bully, but he’d received no heads-up about the slides—and he’d felt blindsided in front of a big client.
After the blowup, what if Jason had approached him privately, explained that he hadn’t meant to do an end run, and asked if they could figure out a better way to communicate to avoid the same situation in the future? That approach might have earned his colleague’s respect. And if not, it would at least have put his bully on notice: Jason wouldn’t just slink away after a public flogging like that. He’d speak up.
Go toe-to-toe with the bully
You don’t need to simmer silently the next time your bully acts up. Peter Freeth, a director of UK-based Revelation Consulting, which specializes in high-performing cultures, advises his clients to calmly stand their ground during the attack: “He aggressively questions you? Ignore his questions. Absolutely ignore them. He whispers? He’s drawing other people into his game. Stop and look directly at him. Continue only when he’s quiet. When he does it again, stop and look. His behavior is disrespectful. You know it; everyone else knows it. The problem is that they’re all too polite to do anything about it.” You don’t need to get caught up in retaliating. Simply take away his power to rattle you. He’ll move on to another victim or perhaps put his energy toward something more useful.
Just say no
What if somebody more senior, such as your boss, is the one bullying you? You still have to draw a line. Otherwise, the entire relationship will take on a master-servant dynamic.
Leadership consultant Jessica Pryce-Jones describes a client who faced this problem—a very senior investment banker whose boss frequently made unreasonable demands on her. “He’d say, ‘I want you in the office at 6:30 am to look at my presentation.’ Or ‘I need to be able to reach you at 11:30 at night.’”
The banker was warm and helpful by nature. But she grew increasingly resentful when her boss started taking advantage of that. Pryce-Jones advised her to think about circumstances when she could reasonably say no—for instance, when preparing for an event would keep her awake at night. If a request seemed excessive by those standards, she needed to explain what she wouldn’t do (by simply declining the request) and what she would do instead. Pryce-Jones encouraged her to try this out a few times and then evaluate how it felt. After declining a couple of such requests, she had a clearer sense of her boundaries—and she felt much less resentful. This gave her more energy for what she said yes to. Making active decisions empowered her and increased her confidence.
Work up the courage to say no a couple of times to make it clear that you aren’t a pushover. Of course, if you worry about your job security or if your work environment becomes hostile, you should report it to human resources.