Chapter 15
Working with People You Just Can’t Stand
When you think of your dream team, you imagine the exact roster of people you’d like to work with—handpicked for compatibility and talent. But unfortunately, that’s not how the real world works. Instead, you’re likely to be working alongside one or two people whom you just don’t like. At all. Not even a little bit. Maybe your colleague simply rubs you the wrong way. He’s loud. Or a suck-up. Or arrogant and entitled. Perhaps he’s courteous and professional in front of the boss, but a nightmare to you and your colleagues when she’s not around. Or maybe he has mannerisms that annoy you (relentless pen clicking!).
There’s no shortage of good reasons you might genuinely dislike someone you need to work with. Sometimes they’re legitimate (she avoids established protocols to get “special” treatment for her work), and sometimes they’re not (he’s still clicking that pen!). But unless the person is crossing serious ethical or legal boundaries of what’s acceptable at work—such as sexual harassment—you must find a way to coexist. If you don’t, your own performance is likely to suffer. But wait, you’re not the creep: How does his behavior have a negative effect on your work?
When you have unaddressed negative feelings for a colleague, it can cause all sorts of issues for you. It can consume you so that you neglect to focus on doing good work. You might decline signing on to an otherwise appealing project because you can’t stand the thought of collaborating with him. Or you might suppress your annoyance for so long that it builds and bursts over a minor infraction—leaving you looking unstable. You could subconsciously mirror the attitude you sense from him, becoming a jerk yourself. In any case, getting swept up in power struggles can be a waste of time.
Anger, avoidance, and sabotage are all paths to failure. On the other hand, working with colleagues you like and respect is important for your job satisfaction—and for office morale. If you can’t have office mates you like, you need to find a way to like the colleagues you have—or at least not dislike them. Learning to get along with everyone can have long-term benefits for your career; if the person you can’t stand is in your industry, chances are you’ll run into him again at events or through your network, even if your prayers are answered and he leaves your company. Maintaining a positive connection is much more beneficial than just breathing a sigh of relief.
But how can you learn to work effectively with someone you just can’t stand? It’s not always possible to make the situation better, concedes Ben Dattner, author of The Blame Game. But it is possible to make things worse through a wrong-headed response. Our experts offer the following strategies to improve your chances of getting it right.
Examine and Adjust Your Perspective
Throughout this book, our experts have advised that a good first step for many political situations is to begin with self-reflection. How does this advice apply here? “You’ve got to start from a place where you understand that every person is different and everyone brings in different strengths,” advises organizational development and HR expert Susan Heathfield. “So if you’re seeing behaviors you can’t stand in someone, ask yourself, ‘What is my problem that I’m having such a hard time with this person?’” The easiest way to survive working with someone you really don’t like is to choose not to let that person bother you. You have little control over someone else. The only thing you can control is your own response to whatever annoying behaviors she directs your way. Here’s how.
Look in the mirror
“There’s lots of evidence that we, as human beings, are incredibly blind to our own weakness,” says Stanford professor Bob Sutton, author of The No Asshole Rule. So consider how you might be contributing to the problem. Try to objectively assess what you may have done to escalate tensions. Or ask a colleague for her perspective. The goal, says Sutton, is to test your assumptions. Sometimes what you’re reacting to has little to do with the other person and more to do with your own history, says Dattner. It’s possible that the person reminds you of an obnoxious sibling or a high school rival. Or maybe you can be a bit of a control freak, and your frustration comes more from being unable to direct your colleague than from his actual actions.
Identifying your own emotional influences is important, Dattner says, because it means you can manage your impulses. When confronted by the prospect of working with someone you dislike, consider the history of your relationship. Did it start out good and get bad? Try to identify why exactly you don’t like this person. Did she do something to trigger your reaction, or do you just somehow bring out the worst in each other? Work to isolate what’s keeping you from being less than your best self. If you still can’t see it, identify what your healthy professional relationships have in common—and work on trying to build that quality in this one.
Get to know the person you despise
Sometimes the root of the issue is that you just don’t know or understand the other person. “You have to distinguish between people you don’t know who you think are idiots—and people you are genuinely locked in conflict with,” says Sutton. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Communication and branding expert Dorie Clark suggests finding ways to work with someone you don’t like as a way of getting better insight into the person he is and what he has to offer. Give him a chance to excel at something he’s good at. Clark once suggested that she and a disliked colleague go rock climbing as a way of improving their relationship. Clark was a novice, but her colleague was an experienced climber. “Seeing him comfortable, more laid back, and responsible made me see a different side of him,” she recalls. Although they didn’t suddenly become best buddies, it was helpful for her to see him in a more positive light. People often complain that they don’t like working or collaborating with a colleague, says Dattner, until they see him out of the office, at an off-site event. “This is eye-opening” for many people, he says. When we see our colleagues as three-dimensional—they have families and friends and interests outside work—it’s often the opening to finding them more pleasant to work with.
Once you know a little bit more about who he is, it can be easier to imagine where he’s coming from. “People also tend to like people better when they’ve actually collaborated with them on something,” says Sutton. So don’t shy away from working with someone you think you don’t like. Sometimes being in the trenches on a difficult project can be a powerful bonding experience that just might change your opinion.
Cultivate empathy
Even if your colleague is doing something that genuinely annoys you, putting yourself in her shoes will help you comprehend what’s behind her behavior. And if you can see that, you’re more likely to find ways to work through your issues. For example, if you find that a coworker seems to be hostile in every meeting in which you’re discussing future strategy for the company, consider why she might be acting that way. Is it possible she hasn’t felt consulted about a decision? Were her ideas rejected or ignored? Imagine if you had worked for months on a proposal of new markets for the company and no one had even bothered to acknowledge it. Empathy—understanding what’s driving someone’s feelings—gives you insight that can help you fix what’s wrong.
Someone may bug you on a personal level, but that doesn’t mean the person isn’t an asset to the company. “Assume the best, focus on what they’re good at, and how they can help your team,” says Sutton. Take time to think about the value this person brings to your company. Sure, he guffaws at his own jokes, but maybe he’s also great with spreadsheets. Perhaps his jokes have a way of easing your boss’s tension and keeping him calm. Maybe his persnickety report-reviewing highlights your terrible typing skills, but it also brings to light a major accounting error that would have cost the company a significant loss of revenue. Actively search for what you can legitimately admire about him.
When a new colleague rubbed Akiko the wrong way, she found herself bristling at his arrogance. Colby was quick to get frustrated with others if they didn’t immediately warm to his ideas. He’d aggressively declare that whatever he was proposing was brilliant, as if to suggest that Akiko and everyone else there was dumb for not seeing it. After finally snapping at Colby in a meeting, Akiko pulled him aside to apologize. “I said, ‘When you push your ideas like that, it makes me feel stupid if I don’t get it right away. Sometimes I just need to understand more about what you’re suggesting.’” Colby was aghast that his arguments would be seen that way. It turned out, Colby’s enthusiasm for his ideas often got in the way of his ability to communicate clearly, and then he got more frustrated with himself when other people didn’t quite follow. After their frank conversation, the problem disappeared. Akiko would say, “Let me ask you a few questions about that” as a way of signaling that she wasn’t following, and Colby would realize that she was helping him articulate his ideas.
Deal Directly with a Jerk
If your attempts at getting to the root of your own feelings (as well as those of your colleague) haven’t changed the game enough for you, you’ll need a different strategy for dealing with someone you can’t stand. Sutton suggests steeling yourself for two possible—and opposite—approaches.
Change the dynamic
If you’ve allowed yourself to get into a negative pattern with the person you just can’t stand, “you need to disrupt the cycle,” Clark says. Be conscious of how you treat her. Are you civil to her? Does your voice stay calm? Do you roll your eyes? Your behavior may have helped make the dislike mutual. “It’s possible they’re negative because they sense your hostility,” Clark notes. “If you alter the dynamic by shifting from subtly hostile to actively positive, they may respond in kind.”
How can you change seemingly unconscious negative reactions? Take the high road. It’s hard for someone to be annoyed with someone who’s being nice to them, Sutton says. So be helpful. When she sends out a proposal, be one of the first people to read and reply. Praise the person’s ideas (when you genuinely think they’re good). Mention to a colleague or your manager when the person has done something notable, even if she never hears that you did so. Inviting a colleague to be part of the process, and then seeking her input, can dramatically change the dynamic of a tense relationship. For example, project manager Kate might accept a schedule change if she’s part of the brainstorming meeting that decides the priorities for finishing the project.
Fight back
If you come to realize that you’re never going to be able to stop the annoying behavior or your reaction to it, you don’t have to just accept that’s how it is, Sutton says. Ranting to other colleagues in search of sympathy and allies may earn you the title of difficult colleague. But you can take your issue directly to the colleague with whom you’re not getting along.
Heathfield suggests giving your annoying colleague a heads-up that you have something to discuss with him. “I’d like to give you some feedback about how I think we can better work together. Would tomorrow at two o’clock be a good time?” Don’t blindside him. Someone who gets on your nerves under the most benign circumstance is not likely to react well if you catch him off guard by sharing feedback or criticism in the hallway. As you’ve seen in dealing with bullies—and having difficult conversations—you’ll want to focus your conversation on the problem and not the person. So think about the specific behaviors that are bothering you as you prepare for your meeting.
Begin the conversation by clarifying that your intention is to find a good way forward. Heathfield advises saying something like, “I really want to work effectively with you—that’s my goal. But I’ve felt that that isn’t possible at the moment. Here are a few of the reasons that I’m feeling that way.” Don’t use labels: “I think you’re being a jerk when . . .” or “You’re so aggressive.” Instead, stick to the facts: “Here are the behaviors that I’m observing.” Now, Heathfield says, at least you’ve opened a discussion that might clear the air or bring you to a better place of mutual empathy. In many instances, the person knows he’s been acting badly, but he didn’t think anyone would notice. “Sometimes when you confront them, it’s like, ‘Oh my god, she caught me! I was doing these things, but I didn’t think she knew.’” Other times, you’ll discover there’s a perfectly innocent explanation for your colleague’s actions. “I’ve been hypercritical because I know that the C-level guys are going to run our department through intense scrutiny. I want to make sure we hold up well.” Or, often, “I really had no idea. I didn’t mean to be offensive.”
Keep your cool throughout the conversation. Don’t be snide or insulting or mean, even if your colleague isn’t taking your feedback well. “Imagine in any given conversation that everyone else in the workplace is listening,” advises Dattner. “Would I want this clip to be on You-Tube?” Even if your conversation doesn’t end in immediate resolution, it should at least serve as a warning to your colleague that you’re aware of what he’s doing and you’re not afraid to confront him. His behavior isn’t scaring you away. He’s far less likely to be abusive to you if he knows he’ll have to look you in the eye once a week at a project check-in.
When Your Colleague Is More Than a Jerk
Working through your challenges with someone you really don’t like is important, says Dattner. But that’s not the same thing as working through an issue with someone you don’t trust. If you doubt someone’s integrity, intentions, and ethics, it’s time for a more formal approach. If you feel that her behavior crosses the line from annoying to offensive and your personal conversations have not been fruitful, make a case to your boss that the person is destructive to the organization. This is for behavior beyond interrupting colleagues in meetings. Someone who consistently takes credit for work she didn’t do, fudges expenses, or never completes her part of projects on time may merit your documenting offenses before that conversation with your boss. You don’t necessarily have to “out” your colleague in the first conversation with a boss or HR, says Dattner. You might start by saying, “I think it would be really helpful if you could review the hostile work environment policy with our entire group.” Your boss will pick up that something is off, but you haven’t pulled a fire alarm yet.
If you witness your colleague berating someone else or pick up on ill will in a meeting, other people may be struggling with that person, too. Work together to keep detailed notes of your colleague’s offensive behavior, and go as a group to complain to your manager. “That’s the long game,” Sutton says. Such a backstage political mobilization takes time, patience, and a good eye for what offenses actually merit complaining to the boss—but it can be effective. For example, Sutton recalls the story of a government worker who faced a nasty and racist coworker. But her complaints to her boss fell on deaf ears. So she gathered some coworkers who also found the woman’s actions offensive, and together they assembled what they called “the Asshole Diaries,” where they recorded the woman’s behavior for a month. With the documentation and support of her peers, the woman was able to present her concerns to her boss more formally. “The woman was gone in two days,” Sutton says.
Zen Out
Sometimes we all have to learn what Sutton calls “the fine art of emotional detachment.” You don’t have to like someone who rubs you the wrong way, but you don’t have to go insane over it, either. Ask yourself, A year from now, will this still be important to me? If it’s something that you can probably let run off your back this week and it will be forgotten the next, then that’s what you should do. Don’t decide that every annoyance is DEFCON 1. Let some of them go. When brokering a compromise between warring teammates, one manager used to tell her people, “You can only object to two things here. Decide which those two issues are. The rest you just have to live with.” It forced her team to isolate what mattered most to them. And that focus helped them find a way to navigate the dispute. The same tactic could help you decide which, if any, battles to pick with your colleague.
Although the daily squabbles can wear on you, keep the long-term view in mind. You never know when your paths will cross with someone’s again. “Years after I stopped working with this guy I couldn’t stand, I got a reference call for him out of the blue. He was applying for a job with someone I had worked for at a different company,” recalls Gary, a senior manager in an investment bank. “It was kind of the revenge moment handed to me on a silver platter.” He’d daydreamed of this opportunity in the years they’d worked together. So what did Gary do? “I told the guy who called me that I’d call him back. I thought about what I’d say for a long time. In the end, I gave him a fair review. I said I hadn’t enjoyed working with him, but I knew lots of people who did. It was hard, but I decided a slamming review would reflect worse on me than the guy. I actually felt better about myself after that.”
That, says Dattner, was the right thing to do. “Don’t write anybody off. Don’t succumb to negativity. Try to stay positive. Shifting alliances and relationships are what make human life interesting.”