Chapter 10

Managing a Disgruntled Former Peer

The Problem

Why It Happens

It’s common for a former peer to resist a reporting change like this. The problem stems largely from the complex issue of self-esteem, says Carol Walker, a principal at Prepared to Lead. We all benchmark ourselves against colleagues to gauge how much we’ve achieved, for instance, and how much people respect us. We don’t even realize we’re doing it most of the time. But when our guideposts change—as they do when a peer becomes the boss—it disturbs our sense of self, Walker points out. No one likes to lose relative position.

So your promotion probably dealt a significant blow to your peer’s ego: He wasn’t chosen for the role, after all. And he may have less access to senior leaders than before. If your promotion created a new level of management, for example, he may now be a rung lower on the org chart, reporting to someone with a lesser title. These are very real losses—and he might act out as a result. It can be especially difficult—on both sides—if he’s older than you. You may feel guilty about the promotion and hyperaware of your youth; he may be embarrassed that he was passed over for someone less seasoned. That tension makes any interaction uncomfortable at first. And if you were friends, it complicates matters even further. You may struggle to maintain personal ties as you try to establish the parameters of your new professional relationship.

What to Do About It

It’s tempting to dismiss your employee’s reaction as shallow, selfish, or status-driven. You may even resent it, Walker says, and vent to others about it. Ironically, he’s probably venting about your behavior, which may be less than sterling if your self-esteem feels threatened, too.

When your former peer doesn’t respect the new pecking order, it can be difficult to empathize with him. But resist the urge to act out peevishly, Walker cautions. That would amount to stamping your feet in a childish tantrum and screaming “I’m the boss now—you have to do what I say!” As a manager—especially a newly promoted one—you need to make sure your people perform well. You’ll get more energy and better contributions from them by fostering healthy egos.

So what should you do when your former peer lashes out? “Recognize the behavior for what it is—a natural reaction to unwelcome change,” Walker says. “Your challenge is to restore equilibrium as quickly as possible.”

Reset your own expectations

After a shake-up in the org chart, can you and your former peer still grab drinks after work? Can you continue to trade snarky comments about annoying colleagues?

Yes and no, says leadership consultant Jessica Pryce-Jones. You have to acknowledge that your relationship has fundamentally changed, even if you’re good friends. You can’t remain an inner-circle confidante—or treat your direct report as one—now that you’re the boss. But that doesn’t mean that you suddenly have to defriend your pal on Facebook or scratch his name off your holiday card list. Just put a little distance between the two of you. Find a new sounding board, and encourage him to do the same.

Expect him to test you to see how much of the original friendship remains intact. Maybe he’ll ask you for information that you shouldn’t share, for instance, or wait until you really push before he responds to your requests. You may be tempted to cave because you feel uncomfortable about the change in chain of command. But you have to set new boundaries. If your colleague asks you an inappropriate question—“How much are you budgeting for raises this year?” or “What does the CEO think of so-and-so?” or “What happened in the executive committee meeting this morning?”—don’t answer. Count to 10 before responding, if you have to. Think about whether your boss would want you to share those details, and edit yourself accordingly. You can end the conversation with a statement such as “It’s not appropriate for me to say right now.” If you dismiss the question quickly but firmly, he will probably stop asking. If he persists, be direct: “You know I can’t share confidential management information with you. Please don’t keep asking me. I promise I’ll fill you in when the time is right.”

Check your perspective

Before going into problem-solving mode, though, make sure there’s actually a problem to solve. You might be projecting negative feelings onto your new report (“I would feel that way, so that’s how he must feel”).

Step back and do a reality check, advises Pryce-Jones. Do you have concrete evidence that he’s upset about the situation? For example, is he avoiding you? Meeting with your boss on his own without informing you? Has anyone told you that he’s specifically complained about you? If not, you may be imagining hostility that doesn’t exist.

Talk it out

If you do find evidence of bitterness, say something right away. Ideally, though, you’d ward off resentment as soon as you’re promoted. In the beginning, it may be enough to show a little sensitivity and say, “I know we’ll need to work through a new professional relationship. I hope we can be candid with each other about that.” Delaying the conversation won’t make it easier—it will only allow hard feelings to build up. Though you may be uncomfortable explicitly discussing the change in roles, you’re in charge now, so it’s your responsibility to take the lead.

It’s not possible to have a comprehensive and constructive conversation about your new relationship the minute your promotion is announced. But briefly acknowledging that things are different now will help soothe frayed nerves and put you in a stronger position to have a positive, forward-looking conversation down the road. Assure your former peer that he’s still one of your most trusted colleagues, and give him time to adjust to the new dynamic. And then, if he struggles with the transition, get that out in the open.

That’s the advice leadership consultant Ron Ashkenas recently gave a client who’d been promoted to CEO over a tight-knit group of peers. One colleague in particular struggled with the new hierarchy because she’d wanted the job. Making matters worse, everybody who worked with them closely watched the tense relationship, viewing it as the new CEO’s first test. “I advised him to have a private, honest conversation with his former peer,” says Ashkenas. “That’s how you defuse this kind of problem: You address it head-on and focus on both parties’ needs. Say that you want to be successful in your role—and you want your new report to be successful, too.” Ashkenas says that approach helped repair the relationship and alleviate tension so that the former colleagues could work together productively.

If you think the dynamics are strained, say so when you sit down to talk, suggests Pryce-Jones (“This isn’t easy for either of us . . .”). Assure your colleague that you’ll consider previous conversations confidential, especially if you’ve shared personal thoughts with each other in the past. Then talk about how you look forward to strengthening your working relationship. You’re striking a balance here: Clarify what you expect from the other person—but also express your loyalty and support.

Even after you’ve taken these steps, does your former peer seem reluctant to open up? Offer a few observations about what you think his concerns might be, and then ask him to fill in the picture for you. Make it easier to discuss taboo topics, such as visibility and status, by bringing them up yourself. Tell him how much you value him and that you’re committed to helping him reach his professional goals. Say you realize it’ll take a little time to earn his trust in your new role. And ask him to speak up (respectfully) when you make mistakes so that you can learn from them. That will emphasize the two-way nature of your relationship.

Todd, a newly promoted manager in a small media company, recounts facing just this situation with his former peer Carlos. They had both reported to the same senior manager, but that person decided to have Carlos report to Todd instead. While the move was initially awkward for both of them, they went to an off-site lunch to hash out their concerns. When Carlos confessed to never feeling valued by the former senior manager in the first place, it was easy for Todd to build on their existing relationship of trust. “You know that I understand your strengths as well as anybody here,” he said. “Tell me what you’d like to see yourself doing that you aren’t doing already.”

Of course, one air-clearing conversation isn’t enough, says Ashkenas. You’ll continue to face issues that require candid discussion. For the CEO in Ashkenas’s example, meetings presented a challenge. When he raised provocative questions to stimulate healthy debate, his former peer froze, unsure whether it was permissible to challenge her boss in public. Puzzled by her silence, the CEO asked about it later in a one-on-one, and the colleague spoke openly about her concerns. That was the only way to identify and solve the problem: The CEO explained that he saw debate as a good thing, as long as it was collegial, and that thawed the ice.

Correct course

Even if you and your employee have both behaved badly and are feeling a little hostile toward each other, you can turn things around. Leadership and networking expert Brian Uzzi suggests the following three steps, based on his extensive research and consulting work in leadership and organizational change:

1. Redirection: Look for ways to redirect your new report’s—and your own—negative feelings. For instance, when you talk, try blaming circumstances rather than people. Set up the meeting in a conference room or an off-site spot. Calling him into your office would only reinforce that you are now in charge and he isn’t. “Moreover,” Uzzi says, “it shows you need to lean on the crutch of your authority. Neutral ground indicates that you have confidence in your leadership position.” You might even try to find something better than neutral ground, Uzzi suggests, such as a place your new report likes. Meeting at his or her favorite restaurant can signal your intention to invest in the new report. “That can evoke positive feelings that spill over into the discussion,” Uzzi says. As obvious as those tactics might seem, Uzzi’s research shows that they do work. Redirection allows the person to continue feeling his natural emotions but shifts them from a destructive place to a safer one.
2. Reciprocity: Now that you’re the boss, you’ll need your new direct report to do things for you—preferably willingly. Before you ask for something, try giving him something: an unexpected perk, perhaps, or an opportunity to showcase a strength. Also, find common ground to discuss. Maybe you’re both committed to the success of an R&D effort, and you share the view that the demographic of your ideal customer is shifting. Focus on addressing that—working toward a common goal will help replace the hostility with something more productive. You might, for example, ask him to attend an important management meeting so that he can inform the discussion with his technical expertise. By doing this, you’ll signal that you’re looking for ways for him to grow and gain exposure to more senior managers. You’ll also demonstrate that you trust him to make smart contributions. Small steps like this will help lay a more positive foundation for your relationship. “The secret to effective relationship building through reciprocity is to give before you ask,” Uzzi says. “If you give and ask at the same time, you don’t create a relationship—you create a transaction.”
3. Rationality: Have a rational discussion to clarify your expectations. You can’t avoid this conversation; it’s critical if he is to trust that your other steps (redirection and reciprocity) aren’t just ploys to marginalize him by pushing him into new assignments or areas that might be out of the mainstream workflow. “To avoid skepticism creeping back into the relationship,” Uzzi says, “never leave the conversation with the other party saying to himself, ‘So-and-so was great to me in the meeting. He offered me many valuable things, but he didn’t say what he wanted in return. I wonder when the other shoe will drop?’” Say what you need to, and be specific, whether it’s “I need you to be my ally” or “We need to make some changes to your job description.” Discussing your expectations may actually relieve stress for your new direct report. A clear sense of what you expect of him, how he fits into the big picture, and what role he’ll play for the team will allay his fears about you as the new boss. And, Uzzi advises, “Don’t say you need the other person in a needy way. A good approach is to let the other party know that he or she is valuable and that your offer is distinctive, but that you also have other relationship options. This elevates the offer by expressing its value (others want it, too).” One way to do that, Uzzi suggests, is to say “I wanted to give you the right of first refusal . . .”

Bring your boss into the loop

Don’t just hope your boss won’t notice any adjustment problems you and your direct report are having, advises Walker. Let her know it’s been a tough transition and explain how you’re approaching the situation. She may have anticipated difficulties on both sides but held off to see if you could figure out a path on your own first, to show she does consider you to be in charge now. But asking her for guidance won’t make you look “green” in your new role. View it as a chance to highlight your problem-solving abilities. Describe your game plan, but let her know you’d appreciate her feedback and other suggestions. Complaining about your employee’s behavior without detailing what you’re doing to manage it will only lead your boss to think that you aren’t taking ownership. If she offers help, don’t be afraid to accept. Is your former peer continually doing end runs around you? Ask your boss to redirect him back to you when he tries to go over your head with a problem. But keep your tone even and calm: Present yourself as sensitive, patient, and on top of the situation. Raising and addressing issues in a prompt and professional manner will help your boss see your management skill.

What if your colleague still acts up after you’ve tried all these tips? Then it’s time to wield your new legitimate authority, says Stewart Tubbs, former dean of the College of Business at Eastern Michigan University.

“I had this situation myself with a couple of people who had wanted to be dean but didn’t get the job,” says Tubbs. “Boy, they were not about to cooperate with me when I was appointed instead. Eventually, I had to sit them down and say ‘We can do this the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is I’ll support you, you’ll support me, and we’ll work together. The hard way? If you don’t come around, we’ll have to start making things formal. We’ll have 30-, 60-, and 90-day performance reviews. If you continue to rebel and aren’t meeting your goals, I will take up the matter with HR in formal disciplinary proceedings. All things considered, I’d like to do it the easy way.’” Eventually, both colleagues left the university, having never really come around. But Tubbs felt that he had done all he could to get the relationships back in line before resorting to dramatic measures.

Of course, you can say all this in your way—in your own voice. But if you’ve tried everything else to no avail, you’ll probably need to pull rank to put an end to the game playing.