Chapter 11

Surviving the Office Outing

The Problem

Why It Happens

Companies organize events like these with good intentions—often to raise morale, help employees blow off steam in an informal setting, foster team building and idea sharing, or reward people for good performance. After all, research shows time and again that engaged employees are far more likely to be loyal to an organization, and those with friends in the workplace are both happier and more productive. But the challenge is knowing exactly how to socialize with coworkers you’re not already close to: Whom do you talk to? What if the conversation doesn’t come naturally? How can you make a good impression without feeling fake? How do you strike the right tone? How much should you let your guard down? Where do you draw the line between casual and inappropriate? These sorts of questions can stress you out and prevent you from enjoying the very benefits the event is meant to provide.

What to Do About It

You have to make a reasonable effort to participate. It’s not uncommon for people to bow out, citing pressing deadlines or last-minute conflicts—and many companies don’t make social events mandatory. But as communication and branding expert Dorie Clark points out, avoiding them sends a bad signal. It suggests you’re disinterested in the company and your colleagues—or perhaps that you don’t see a future for yourself there. Those perceptions aside, the carefully crafted excuse you make once might be greeted with skeptical smirks when you use it a second or third time.

Here are some guidelines for gracefully navigating office outings and actually getting something positive from them.

Find a comfortable way to participate

If you’re lucky, you welcome the opportunity to hang out with your coworkers because you’re fond of them. But even if that’s not the case, says leadership coach Susan Alvey, a principal at Pemberton Coaching, assume the most positive perspective you can. “Instead of looking for the first moment to escape, think about how you can have a good time.” If the outing involves something you can’t imagine yourself doing, you don’t have to go all in. You’ll get extra credit with your colleagues, Clark adds, just by showing a little team spirit. If you really can’t stand to play ultimate Frisbee, for example, get involved in a different way. Go and cheer on your teammates. Bring lemonade to the barbecue afterward. Take photos. But show up.

Focus on connecting

View the outing as a personal-growth exercise, Clark advises: “Use it to hone one of the most talked about, but least practiced, skills in corporate life: asking questions that draw people out and then really listening to their answers.” Before your event, think about what you could ask your colleagues—even boring Floyd from HQ—that would help you relate to them. “It’s a low-stakes laboratory,” Clark says. If you can figure out how to engage with Floyd, you can also learn to have richer conversations with clients or collaborators.

Beth Weissenberger, an executive coach, agrees: “I ask my clients before they go to an event, ‘How many people will you meet?’” Give yourself a concrete, obtainable goal. For example, you might plan to have conversations with five colleagues you don’t know well—or make a point of speaking to the CEO for the first time.

Part of connecting is letting more people know who you are. This doesn’t mean you need to chat up everyone in your path or prattle on about your accomplishments. “When people are nervous, they either retreat or talk incessantly about themselves,” observes Boston University management professor Kathy Kram. A better way to make your presence felt is to demonstrate your sincere interest in others. “As you encounter people,” she says, “really focus on building the relationship. Express genuine curiosity instead of worrying about being impressive. Listen, and then share your thoughts in response to what you’re hearing.” And if you’re shy, don’t torture yourself to overperform. “It’s not necessary to stay to the bitter end,” advises Kram. Just meet your goal and gracefully excuse yourself. You don’t have to make a big deal of leaving—try a simple “I’ve enjoyed talking with you. I’m going to head out now, but I look forward to learning more about your project next time I see you.” No one is taking attendance at the end of the party. A trip to the bathroom could take a discreet left turn to the coatroom and out the door.

Don’t check your inhibitions at the door

Of course, as you’re trying to relax and be yourself, you’ll want to maintain some sense of decorum. We’re all adults—and most of us know our limits—yet we’ve all seen people have too many drinks at office events. Yes, an extra glass of wine might ease your frazzled nerves or help you endure sitting next to the world’s most pedantic colleague, but be more disciplined with your intake than you would with close friends. People aren’t likely to notice what you’re drinking, but they’ll certainly notice if you start acting goofy or making indiscreet comments. And they’ll remember serious missteps for a long time.

If you mess up, own up

So what if you wake up the morning after and realize that you may have crossed the line at the office party? “If you do something embarrassing, own up to it,” Alvey says. You don’t need to send out a mass e-mail to everyone in the company. But have the courage to apologize to anyone who witnessed your behavior.

If it happened in front of a group, touch base with each person individually. Don’t belabor it—self-flagellation isn’t required. Alvey recommends a short, direct statement along these lines: “I realize that my behavior might have put you in a difficult position, and I never meant to do that.” Or try a little bit of humor, company culture permitting: “No more punch for me!”

Admit the mistake, apologize, and move on. “Psychologically, it might seem easier to slink around and try to avoid people,” Clark says, “but ultimately, that’s not the right thing.” You become the elephant in the room. People might whisper when you walk in, or you’ll catch them staring at you or laughing. It may or may not be about you, but your imagination will run wild. Much better to put the elephant away by taking control of the apology. That way, at least, smirks, eye rolls, or looks of pity can’t catch you off guard. You’ll have already owned up.

Make amends face-to-face if you can. But if you feel that e-mail is your best option (perhaps because it’s the only way you can manage to get the words out), omit the embarrassing particulars—written messages stick around and may be forwarded.

If your mistake was a big one, apologies might not be enough. Weissenberger recently worked with a media company that fired a new employee in his first week because he got drunk at an event and ended up making out with a subordinate.

“Once you mess up your reputation, it’s hard to get it back,” Weissenberger says. “Not impossible, but hard.”