Step

32

Don’t change the meaning of things

Before you read this letter, the situation is as follows: It is 1920s America, and a boyfriend decides to buy his girlfriend a surprise present with the help of her sister. Secretly they go shopping together and visit a large department store. The sister tries on a long pair of silk fur-lined gloves and the boyfriend buys them. Before she leaves the store, the sister also buys a long pair of silk knickers. Unfortunately, the gloves and knickers are mixed up while being gift-wrapped. The girlfriend receives the knickers together with this note from her boyfriend:

My Dearest,

I hope you like the enclosed birthday present. Your sister helped me pick these out. She tried them on for me and I have to say they looked great although being so long they did prove difficult to get off.

Don’t worry about the pale colour, the shop assistant showed me hers, that she had been wearing for several weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all.

However, the assistant did say that whenever you take them off, you should blow into them because they are bound to be a little damp after wearing.

I do wish I could be with you for your birthday, as I would love to put them on for you . . . I guess by the time I meet you on Saturday many other hands will have touched them.

Love Robert

PS Oh, the shop assistant also says that the latest fashion is to wear them rolled down with a little fur showing.

It’s now impossible to travel anywhere by car without getting into a traffic jam. Knowing this fact, at the start of any long journey I will download in advance a comedy podcast (you could choose any kind of treat, it might be music or even a chocolate bar). The deal is, I’m not allowed the treat until I get into a traffic jam. Now, because I’m desperate to listen to my new podcast, sometimes I find myself praying for a jam. “Yes, there’s one,” I cry. “Oh no, it’s just traffic queuing for the slip road.” I find myself actually disappointed that there’s no jam, imagine that. I have to wait and the excitement mounts. Then at last, inevitably, I hit a jam. ­“Fantastic,” I think as I press the play button with a broad smile on my face. Then I look around me at the miserable-looking, frustrated faces of the other drivers.

Or what about this? Think about your favourite anecdote involving you. You know, the story you always tell in the pub that has everyone laughing their heads off. Now, as you think about that incident, I’m guessing it probably involved some disaster. Like the time you went on holiday, arrived at your destination and the airline had lost all your bags. Then on the way to your hotel the taxi driver ripped you off. You got out of the taxi and were immediately mugged and lost all your money. When you tried to check into your hotel, they hadn’t reserved you a room and were fully booked. Finally, you ended up sleeping on a park bench and when you woke up in the morning, someone had stolen your shoes. The thing is, if it’s so funny now, why wasn’t it funny when it happened? It seems to me if you are going to have a big laugh at it later, why not reduce your stress levels and laugh at it as it actually happens.

“The thing is, if it’s so funny now, why wasn’t it funny when it happened?”

The point is, it’s possible to change the meaning of absolutely anything that happens to us, simply by changing, or reframing, its context (the letters at the beginning and end of this step are great examples of what I mean). For instance, look at the shape below and I’d like you to tell me if it’s concave or convex:

The answer of course is that it’s both. It just depends which side you look at it from. Successful people, and companies for that matter, are very good at tolerating ambiguity and at seeing things from both sides. Everything is context dependent. It is possible to change the meaning of just about anything or to find the good where others would only find the bad. Of course, it should be your goal to stay a right misery, at all times, but especially when things go wrong. All events are context dependent.

The point is well made with this letter sent by a college student to her parents:

Dear Mum and Dad,

Apologies for taking so long to write but my writing utensils were destroyed in a fire at my flat. I’m out of hospital now and the doctor says I should be able to lead a normal healthy life. A handsome young man called Pete saved me from the fire . . . and kindly offered to share his house with me. He’s very kind and polite and from a good family . . . so I think you’ll approve when I tell you we got married last week . . . and I know you’ll be even more excited when I tell you, you are going to be grandparents very soon.

Actually, there wasn’t a fire, I haven’t been in hospital, I’m not married and I’m not pregnant, BUT I did fail my maths exam and I just wanted to make sure that when I told you that you’d put it in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter

Sue