How to get the most fromthis guide

DON’T READ IT. JUST LEAVE IT by the side of the bed gathering dust. It can then act as a powerful reminder that the worst thing you can possibly do, in order to sabotage your chances of future fuck up, is open up your mind to any new ideas or take any sort of action.

Quotes to avoid

“I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking and then thought what the hell good would that do?”

Anon

It might be annoying but you can’t beat a good quote to get you fired up. Or just to make you laugh. Or cry, as has happened to one of my readers. That’s why I’ve put together this handy reference of inspirational, profound and sometimes funny ideas, from someof the best thinkers that have ever lived. By carefully steering clear of these, and similar sources of wit and wisdom, you should be able to remain totally unmotivated and miserable.

Actions not to take

Is knowledge power? No. It’s what you do with what you know that counts. It’s a bit like if you can read but never bother to read a book, then you are really as ignorant as someone who can’t read. That’s why you mustn’t do any of the simple, practical exercises in these sections throughout the guide. I’ve only put them here so you know what to avoid. It would ruin your chances of lasting underachievement if you accidentally performed just one. Don’t, even for one moment, consider doing any of them.

Interactivity

World Record attempt – This is for the most uses of the word fuck in a book. Can you count them all and let me know if I did it!

Longest word – There aren’t many big words in this guide, but if you want to stop yourself going to sleep, why not see if you can spot the longest. Personally, I wouldn’t bother. The answer is at the back – simply look there now if you want to cheat.

Most obscure reference – Nearly all the ideas in this guide could be understood by a child of four, so hopefully you’ve got one to explain things to you. However, there may be a few obscure references, mostly from my personal life, you don’t get. My editor said to remove any anecdotes that wouldn’t travel outside of Yorkshire, whatever that means, but I haven’t really bothered. However, there is one particular esoteric reference that is peculiar to my part of the world and a certain era in time. I wonder if you can spot what it is. For the workshy, the answer is also at the back.

Diagrams

All books about business, careers and personal development have diagrams. So we thought we’d better stuff a few in too.

Here is one to get you started:

Figure 1 The effect an increasing number of circle flow charts have on the reader

Political correctness

Throughout this guide when the pronoun ‘he’ is used, as it is in the sentence “He is a complete and utter fuck-up in life, work and everything”, I simply mean a human being. Obviously, I also mean ‘she’. And when I use ‘she’ I also, of course, mean ‘he’. If I say ‘he or she’ I also mean both sexes. If I don’t say ‘he or she’, don’t take this to mean I don’t mean either sex. Neither does it mean I do. Neither does it mean I don’t mean them. Or they. Are we all clear on that?

Thinking style

As Scott Fitzgerald said, “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function. Without steam coming out of your ears.” I added that last bit. One of the keys to success is to open-mindedly consider new – what might sometimes seem bizarre – ideas, even if they may conflict with your long-standing beliefs and convictions. However, don’t be seduced by this way of thinking – you mustn’t stop immediately dismissing things out of hand.

Don’t stop letting any factual inaccuracies in this guide drive you to distraction either. For instance, another way of expressing Scott Fitzgerald’s point of view would be to adopt the thinking style of Janus, the two-faced Greek god. He of course had the advantage of not only literally testing whether two heads are in fact better than one but was also capable of having two different thoughts at the same time. You may say to me, “Hang on a minute, Steve, wasn’t Janus a two-headed Roman god?” You may be right. Please feel free to waste more of your valuable time and energy finding out what’s wrong with this guide rather than finding what’s right. Just don’t get in touch with the full nit-picking details. OK?