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46

Believe you can beat depression

Breaking what’s called the fourth wall, much like Fleabag, I want to talk to you directly.

When it comes to dealing with mental health challenges, in my case two bouts of severe depression, let’s dispense with the jokey reverse psychology for a moment, shall we, and cut to the chase. There’s far too much talk about mental health and nearly not enough action. You shouldn’t have to wait months to see someone. You wouldn’t have to if you’d broken your leg! If by law you have trained first-aiders, why don’t you have mental well-being first-aiders?

I’m happy to tell anyone, especially men, I’ve had mental health challenges in the past and thank goodness it’s not so much of a stigma, a secret, something to be ashamed of or as misunderstood as it was when I first ‘confessed’ to it. As a lapsed Catholic, that word strikes me as interesting in relation to mental health ‘issues’. As does ‘issues’. I wonder if anyone would ever have to ‘confess’ to having issues with cancer?

If you’re suffering, or if you are the often-overlooked person who is trying to help and care for someone else, the following might help: Firstly, let’s hear from my wife Candy and how she coped with a very different me:

“When Steve was ill it was the worst and most terrifying time in my life. My rock, my soulmate had at times all but disappeared. And that was frightening. Depression held my husband hostage. It was like a parasitic host, and like a vile chest infection, it would seem to get a bit better, then reappear with a vengeance. For me it felt incredibly isolating.

But I learned lots of important things. And if you are reading this, and feeling scared and alone as I was, then I hope my experience may help.

I learned that depression is selfish, but that is the illness, and not the person you love. It’s really important to remember that and separate the two. I didn’t cause it, and it wasn’t my responsibility to fix it. I found other people’s concern very stressful. They meant well and I was grateful, but sometimes finding lots of texts asking for information meant I felt as though I was having to reassure them as well as dealing with my own situation. As tactfully as I could, I let them know I would update them if there was anything new to tell them. This put the ball in my court and I suggest you do the same. The old cliché of putting on your own oxygen mask first applies here. It can be incredibly challenging to live with or love someone who is ill with depression. You have to take care of yourself first as a priority. It isn’t being selfish, it’s a necessity.

For that reason, I made sure Steve knew that he had my support always but there were times I tried to find something nice for me. It could be as simple as a bath and a magazine or taking myself off somewhere nice for the day. I didn’t want to get sucked into the negativity, so I tried as much as I could to put all the grief, worry and frustration into a separate box in my head and leave it there a little while.

Communication can be difficult with depression. Sometimes the sufferer finds it impossible to talk. I found the next best thing was texting. It was a way of communicating in the most challenging of circumstances and sometimes the texts really helped me. They helped me understand some of what was going on in Steve’s head, things he found it difficult to verbalise. And some of them were the most loving of texts. They melted my heart and helped us to feel close to one another throughout the darkest of times. Deep inside, the person you love is still there and you must keep faith that one day they will emerge back into the light.”

Now let me give you the perspective of the person Candy has just been talking about, Me.

In a nutshell: nobody knows what causes it. It can happen to anyone. There is a distinction between telling and talking. And alcohol is not a solution. Whether it’s brain chemistry, inflammation, life events, or an accident, science can’t seem to agree on what causes depression. If you’re not careful, you’ll spend far too much time discussing and analysing what caused your depression. We never figured out exactly what caused mine. I had severe clinical depression. Twice. If we had known the causes, don’t you think we would have solved it dead quickly. It might be a good idea not to tell some people in order to avoid endless “Umm . . . I wonder what caused it?” style conversations.

I much prefer Candy’s approach. She says: “Depression just is.” Now let’s experiment with some things that might help us get through it.

One of our daily newspapers has a feature where they ask celebrities about their health. You know, questions like: “Can you still run up a flight of stairs?” They also ask, “Have you ever suffered from depression?” Most of the replies are words to the effect of, “Well I’ve always been a glass half full type of person,” or “Mentally I’m very strong.” The biggest misunderstanding of all regarding depression is that, not just celebrities but also the vast majority of the population believe that there’s some form of choice involved. People will say things like: “Of all the people I know, I never thought you were the type to get depression.” What I now know is that depression is an equal opportunities disease. It could infect as many as one in three people. This misunderstanding is often why the ill person can feel ashamed. You need to know it can happen to anyone at any time.

“What I now know is that depression is an equal opportunities disease.”

Eventually, I got up enough courage to tell people. And do you know what? It was such a relief because the energy to keep up appearances is draining. You will be amazed how many other people are going through or have gone through similar things. Candy is right – some people will not be able to talk about how they feel. I couldn’t and I’m a professional speaker! A foggy brain and faulty thinking don’t help. Find a way that might not be talking to communicate. Write a letter. Create a WhatsApp group of close friends, nearest and dearest, where you can just give them a score between 1 and 10 about how you are feeling today. They’ll then know if you’re up for a chat or a coffee.

If you’ve read about my drinking career, you’ll see I had always associated drinking with having a good time and feeling good. But what happens if you start to drink not to be happy but to stop being miserable? What happens if you dislike yourself and the terrible thoughts you are having so much that you resort to anything to shut them up? Shut everything out. Close everything down. Find the quickest way to oblivion. What happens if to stop the daily mental torment you start to use alcohol as a sedative? Lots of it. Where is that going to end? So, I stopped drinking.

I’d lost my meaning and purpose which had always been to help and inspire others. Yet for a very long time I couldn’t even help myself. When at last I did emerge from the darkness, it came back tenfold. Yours can too. That’s why for me at least, in the end, it proved to be not just a lesson but a blessing.

Now on the rare occasions when people ask me why I don’t drink, I say: “I discovered it’s not good for my mental health.” If anyone ever pushes you to drink, maybe tell them the same thing. It shuts them up every time. You don’t have to have been mentally unwell to say it. You just want to stay mentally fit.

Candy told me over and over again that I would get better. When you are lying in bed crying, that can be hard to believe. You will also find it impossible to believe you can emerge a stronger, better person. Yet you can.