Step

41

Don’t learn to communicate

Have you ever thought about this: you can’t not communicate. That’s right. Even if you stand there saying nothing, you’ll still be speaking volumes. Or as someone once said: “What you are speaks so loudly that I can’t hear what you are saying.” Here is a story to illustrate the point.¹

I once attended a sales conference of two thousand delegates at the Wembley Conference Centre in London. The afternoon session kicked off with a presentation from an image consultant who, in order to protect his identity, I’ll call Mr Pink. Image consultants are the kind of people who sidle up to you at parties and casually say, “I see you are wearing black, why?” to which you reply, “Well because I like it.” And then they say, “Yes, but does it like you?”

“Even if you stand there saying nothing, you’ll still be speaking volumes.”

Mr Pink was one of the most professional presenters I had seen. As you would expect he was immaculately groomed and he knew his stuff. For instance, he never once looked around at the giant screen behind him because, unlike most amateurs, he wasn’t using the slides as an aid to his memory. He began by saying there were lots of studies about what makes for clear, powerful communication, but that he’d like to concentrate on a piece of research from UCLA conducted by Professor Albert ­Mehrabian. Professor Mehrabian stated that the three major factors in communication are what we say, tone of voice and anything that isn’t what we say or how we say it, or in other words your non-verbal communication. “If these three factors added up to 100%,” Mr Pink then went on to say, “what percentage out of 100%, in terms of your effectiveness as a communicator, would you give, first of all, to the words you use?”

Suddenly I realised that the fabulous Mr Pink wasn’t quite as cool and professional as I had first thought. You see, at the very moment he asked us the question, the answer appeared in three-metre-high letters on the screen behind his head. I now realised he wasn’t working the slides himself. Unfortunately, whoever he’d asked to work them on his behalf hadn’t been told not to show the audience the answer until we’d had a chance to think about it. The thing is, Mr Pink had been trained never to turn around and look at his own slides, so he was blissfully ignorant of what had just happened.

At this point an amazing thing occurred. Do you believe we can all communicate with each other telepathically? Well now I had irrefutable proof that indeed this was possible, because at that exact moment all two thousand people seated in that auditorium had exactly the same thought, yet nobody spoke. The thought was, “Don’t tell him we can see the answer,” so we just sat there.

Mr Pink asked us the question again: “So what do you think? What percentage in terms of your effectiveness as a communicator is down to the words you use?” Eventually a lone hand went up at the front of the room. “Would it be 7%?” said the owner of the hand. “That’s absolutely correct. Tell me, have you heard these figures before?” asked a slightly taken-aback Mr Pink. “Oh no, it was just a lucky guess,” lied the man in the audience. ­“Anyway . . .” continued Mr Pink, “when I first heard that, I was surprised. I thought that it could not be possible that only 7% could be attributed to the ‘what’ of communication. However, over many years’ experience I have accepted that it is certainly a minimum part of communication.”

“So,” says Mr Pink, “if you take 7 from 100 that leaves 93. Now we can divide this number between the two remaining communication factors. Now consider what percentage in terms of your effectiveness as a communicator is to do with ‘how’ you say something or, if you like, your tone of voice.” Now once again the slide man had not been briefed and once again, quick as a flash, the answer appeared behind Mr Pink’s head in letters three metres high. “Any guesses?” enquires Mr Pink, at which point the mind melt reached its climax and right on cue two thousand voices shouted, “WOULD IT HAPPEN TO BE 38%?” This had the effect of totally freaking out Mr Pink because he had no idea how we were doing this. He quickly garbled, “. . . so if you add 7 to 38 you’ll realise a remaining whopping 55% of your communication is non-verbal, your physiology and body language.” Exit Mr Pink.

Now I’m sure many people have heard various experts quote these numbers before (I even saw them used in a TV ad). In fact another speaker friend of mine says every time you hear them quoted you should loudly shout, “That’s rubbish!” Feel free to do that now. The thing to say here is not only was Mr Pink a bit of a plonker, but clearly it isn’t as simple as he is making out. For example, if I’d said to him, “Mr Pink, please tell me all that again but this time without slides and without speaking,” he’d have found it almost impossible.

However, these numbers are still important for two reasons. Firstly, they become critical when you are incongruent in your communication. Which is a fancy way of saying when stuff doesn’t match. For example, when you say in a boring, monotone voice, “I’m really excited about what I’m learning from reading Steve’s book.” Clearly the tone of voice doesn’t match the words. ­Secondly, the numbers are important in terms of the overall impact you make on others.

What has all this got to do with screwing up? Well you see, it’s really important that you don’t think about the way you communicate. That way, next time you have an important message to get across to your boss, partner, team or loved one, you’ll spend all your time worrying about what you are going to say rather than thinking how you can make a more lasting, overall impression by the way you say it. Or indeed the way you look or move (a friend who works for a city firm told me, “I don’t dress for the job I have now, I dress for the job I want to have”). This means you haven’t much chance of convincing anyone of anything. And this is just one of the hundreds of secrets of knowing what it takes to be a great communicator. You see, it’s no coincidence that Harvard Business School has identified the number one skill you need, to rise to the top of a company, is an ability to speak powerfully and persuasively in public.

¹ By the way, a great method for making things more memorable is to tell people personal stories. Subscribe to our Confident Club Cuppa YouTube channel and you’ll learn all about this and much more.

² When most people think of communication, they tend to ignore the ability to listen. In fact, being a great listener will accelerate your success just as much, perhaps even more, than being a good talker. As all good salespeople will tell you, it’s impossible to learn anything from someone else if you are doing all the talking. That’s why an anagram of listen is silent. Of course, as a student of failure it’s really important you don’t use your ears more than you do your mouth. (Some clever git once said we have one mouth and two ears and they should be used in that proportion.) And if you do accidentally slip into the habit of keeping it zipped, for once in a while, make sure you at least continue to listen with prejudice – or in other words pre-judgement. That’s what most people do, or as Stephen Covey says: “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand: they listen with the intent to reply.” Now what did I just say?

³ OK, maybe not politicians.