He has a right to criticize who has a heart to help.

US President, Abraham Lincoln

The ability to accept, digest and act on constructive criticism is a sign of maturity. It is the insecure who ignore, deny or deflect accurate feedback when it is offered to them.

Here are some ground rules for giving constructive criticism.

Offer Criticisms in Private and Do Not Spread Them About

Nothing distresses people more than to be criticized in front of their colleagues or subordinates. Do it in private, and don’t talk about your conversation to a third party.

Avoid Long or Predictable Preambles

Avoid prefaces such as ‘Listen. There’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time. It may hurt you, but … ’ In these matters it is best to come to the point. Remember, too, that a smile in giving honest criticism can make the difference between resentment and reform.

Avoid preliminary positive evaluations that contain very little supplementary information, such as ‘You are doing a fine job, but … ’ Don’t use insincere praise as a sweetener. ‘He who praises everybody praises nobody,’ wrote English author Samuel Johnson.

But of course, it is a key principle that constructive criticism will always be more readily received if you can preface it with some genuine and evidence-based praise.

Offer Only Constructive Criticism of Actions That Can Be Changed

‘No man, by taking thought, can add one cubit to his stature,’ as the saying goes. It is useless to criticize people for characteristics that they cannot change.

Don’t Compare the Person’s Behaviour with That of Others

Comparisons predispose others not to listen, even when the criticism or complaint is justified.

Keep It As Simple and As Accurate As Possible

Avoid overload. Try to make only one or two major criticisms at a time, rather than presenting a list of sixty or seventy! As the Chinese proverb says: ‘Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend’s forehead.’

Exaggerations intended for emphasis, signalled by such words as always and never, rob you of your accuracy and the psychological advantages that go with it. Moreover, instead of statements such as ‘You are very idle’, it may be more accurate to say ‘You give me the impression of being lazy’. That ‘impression’ at least is an objective fact. And if more than one person has formed that impression it should have some weight.

Nor should the same point be endlessly repeated. The reward for good listening ought to be exemption from hearing the same shortcoming discussed again.

Don’t Talk About Other People’s Motives When Making a Complaint or Criticism

Motives stand closer to the inner person than his or her actions, and to pass judgement on them can be interpreted as a censure of the whole person.

Always be able to back up your observations with some evidence or data. Thus an appraisal should never stray far from the facts. Avoid amateur psychology.

After Making a Criticism in Good Faith, Don’t Apologize for It

An apology may fuel some inner doubt as to whether or not you had the right to say what you did. It is asking the other person to brace you against the stress of criticizing them. It imposes an unnecessary burden on them.

An apologetic tone and an embarrassed manner do neither of you any good. You do need moral courage, but by all means apologize if it transpires that you have got the facts wrong. It is more fitting to thank the person concerned for listening to your criticism or complaint.