Nothing is more confusing than the person who gives good advice but sets a bad example.

Anonymous

Caressing, embracing and holding hands are as much ways of communicating as is human speech. Body language, as it is now familiarly called, is something we use and observe throughout our waking hours. Everyone, for example, can interpret a smile or a threatening gesture. And the voice conveys more through its tone or volume than simply the words spoken.

Although we have evolved language as our principal medium for communicating with each other, we retain non-verbal communication, just as a sailing yacht might have an auxiliary motor. It is especially important as an expression of relationship. In Japan as in African tribal society, for instance, how near or far you sit from the door indicates your seniority.

When humans come to an exchange of emotional feelings, most people fall back on the old chimpanzee-type of gestural communication – the cheering pat, the embrace of exuberance, the clasp of hands. And when on these occasions, we use words too, we often use them in rather the same way as a chimpanzee utters his calls – on an emotional level.

Jane Goodall, In the Shadow of Man (1971)

We can distinguish at least nine main forms in this ‘undercover language’ of non-verbal communication. They are:

Take eye contact as an example. Video recording of conversations shows that the talker tends to look away while actually speaking but glances up at the end of sentences for some reaction from the listener. This usually takes the form of a nod or murmur of assent. The talker gives the listener a longer gaze when the talk has finished.

There simply isn’t space in this book to cover each of these forms of non-verbal communication in detail. But what is important to understand is that the basic system for communication is the human body, not only the organs of speech and hearing but eyes and facial muscles, hands and arms, brain and in many respects the entire body. Putting it more personally, communication is a holistic concept. It always involves the whole of you: mind and heart, body and spirit.