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Kindling Kinship

The Power of Rapport

Real education consists of drawing the best out of yourself.

Mohandas Gandhi

“Rapport” comes from an old French word that means “a bringing back” or “harmony renewed.” This definition reminds us that rapport is fundamentally about actions aimed at restoring the security of the bond with which we begin life. Life, for most of us, does not start with anxiety or fear. Life begins with security and trust. The path from dependence to independence teaches us about rejection, discomfort, and pain. We protect ourselves with the shield of personality (the Greek word for “personality” means “mask”) and assume that each new relationship is a threat until shown otherwise. The ritual of relationship is the gradual lowering of the mask.

The success of a mentoring relationship can hang on the first encounters between mentor and protégé. The tone set in that first meeting can determine whether the relationship will be fruitful or fraught with fear and anxiety. Rapport building expedites shield lowering; quality learning will not occur until the shield has been lowered enough for the learner to take risks in front of the mentor. As the person who is usually in the driver’s seat at the outset of the relationship, the mentor must ensure a good start—the renewal of the original bond.

Can a mentoring relationship get back on track if the first encounter falters? Of course—and thank goodness. Most of us can remember a solid friendship that started out on shaky ground. We also remember how long it took and how much energy had to be expended to overcome that rocky beginning. But the sooner we can establish rapport, the more time and energy we save—and the sooner the relationship moves onto solid ground, the faster learning can occur. Telling a funny story to open a speech, making small talk to kick off a sales call, and the old Southern custom of bringing a gift when visiting a friend, all acknowledge that openings are potentially rocky and important.