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“Give-and-Take” Starts with “Give”

Distinguished Dialogues

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you.… It doesn’t happen all at once, you become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.”

Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Dialogue is defined as an “interchange of ideas, especially when open and frank, as in seeking mutual understanding or harmony.” Effective dialogue—with emphasis on “di,” meaning “two”—requires a level playing field, equality, and give-and-take. These dynamics raise dialogue from a simple question-and-answer session to a rich, creative interaction that is more than the sum of its parts. Dialogues are distinguished when they foster becoming real.

Recall the conversations you have most valued in your life. What elements made the dialogue positive and productive? You can probably identify several. First, each player valued the view of the other, even if the views were different. The give-and-take was one in which both parties could give undivided attention and keep the dialogue focused. Finally, the outcome was that learning occurred, issues were resolved, or understanding was reached. These three components—valuing, give-and-take, and closure—will form the basis of our look at dialogue in the mentoring relationship.