Dos and Don’ts for Dialogues

Dialogues are interpersonal crucibles for blending facts, figures, and feelings to concoct acumen and understanding. Dialogues are most powerful when you

• listen,

• do not teach,

• allow disagreement,

• create a warm, encouraging climate,

• are aware of the learning that is taking place,

• work as hard to learn from protégés as you hope they do from you, and

• do not pressure protégés to answer or behave as you think they should.

Above all, be authentic. Just be yourself while setting the tone, asking questions, and summing up discussions with your protégé rather than doing anything artificial or manipulative to keep the give-and-take going.

Discussions are opportunities for protégés to enhance their learning, not for the mentor to teach. Stay out of the way as much as possible to let the protégé do his or her own thinking. Try not to dominate the discussion. You need not comment on everything the protégé says. Sometimes a simple “Good!” or “Thank you” is best.

Jack Gamble on Dialogues

(“Mentoring in Action” Revisited)

Jack took another stab at the issue. “How does he react when you get stern and serious?”

“I’m not sure,” Tracy responded.

Jack tried again. “Let me ask it this way: if I asked Adam to candidly describe you when the two of you talk about his performance, what words would he use?”

Tracy’s demeanor began to change. It was as if the wheels of wisdom were turning in her head.

“He would say I was relentlessly patient.” She was still half lost in thought.

“What else?”

Tracy responded with near excitement in her voice. “He would not describe me as tough, demanding, or disciplined.”

Jack sensed that she was solving her own issue. Again, he paused before raising another question. He knew instinctively that pace was everything when insight was the goal. “So what do you think should be your next step?”

Tracy began to outline steps: a serious conversation, a performance plan, short-term goals with clear feedback, supervision with a shorter leash, and, above all, less understanding and more discipline. Jack offered a few ideas, but mostly affirmation and encouragement. They parted with an agreement to revisit the issue in a few days.