Chapter 13

Don’t Be Overeager

When you attempt to talk to someone in a public venue for the purpose of networking, the way in which you reach out has everything to do with the result you get. In other words, it’s all about the approach, with the venue being an important consideration. If you are in a place where the other person has overtly or implicitly agreed to socialize or be met, then that person is fair game. It is mutually understood that the person is willing to engage, and you have permission to strike up a conversation. Since both parties know this, the other person is less likely to be guarded or feel that you are trespassing in his or her personal space. Trade shows, industry conferences, professional events, and parties are obviously networking bonanzas; most everyone is open and receptive to making new relationships. You might say they’re “all-you-can-meet” buffets.

However, random connecting differs from these kinds of venues in that you are approaching people in places where the other party has not necessarily agreed to be met. This is where your approach becomes so essential. It is especially important to be cognizant of the creep factor—not the other person’s creep factor, but yours. Although there is often some initial unease (even in traditional networking events) on the other person’s part about whether approaching another person is legit, this concern is heightened in random connecting. You don’t want to come on too strong; rather, you want to ease into the interaction. You wouldn’t turn to someone at a coffee shop and say, “I know you’re here to get a cup of java but I’m trying to find a job, so if you don’t mind, may I ask where you work, what you do, and if you have any authority to hire?” Although that might work occasionally, it will not work most of the time. It’s too bold, in your face—and too early in the conversation to pose those kinds of questions.

The first thing to do when approaching a complete stranger with whom you want to connect is to simply assess the situation and person. Does the person seem receptive? Has he or she smiled or somehow acknowledged you in a welcoming way? Did the person make a nonverbal gesture of receptivity? If so, and it feels right to say something, go for it. Break the ice with a comment or question that creates a pathway to conversation (see Chapter 14 for examples of these).

Here are some guidelines for gauging when and how to approach someone when making a random encounter. . .

When the other person. . . Approach freely

When the other person. . . Approach, but cautiously

When the other person. . . Avoid completely

If you’re not quite sure what to do or say, the best thing to do when you are within talking range might simply be to allow a moment or two to pass without saying anything. By not filling those few seconds with words, you dissolve the defensiveness that others sometimes have when strangers approach. Coming across as too eager to connect can seem intrusive and inhibit the interaction before it even begins. We all know from our own experience that nobody likes to feel like the person befriending us is too overeager. There’s a lot to be said for subtlety, that is, allowing some space between the initial proximity and the first comment and between the first utterance and the next remark in the conversation thread. Sometimes a few seconds is all it takes.

Making a comfortable connection with a complete stranger is much like volleying in tennis; there is a serve and then a return. The person who is serving hits the ball gently across the net directly to the other person, so the receiver needn’t work hard to return it. You can then gauge what kind of player you have on the other side of the court—and how motivated that person is to play—based on how the ball comes back across the net.

You want to come across as neutral when you’re connecting randomly. You must exude a nonthreatening, friendly, and authentic air. You will want to be curious as well, first in general, then as a natural extension of the conversation, and ultimately about what this person does for a living. And after all, you are curious, since you are simply gathering information at this point. You don’t know if this person is in between assignments with the Peace Corps, the CEO of a major corporation, a stay-at-home dad who hasn’t worked outside the house in five years, or a full-time college student.

Even though your goal is to determine whether there is a basis for a continued relationship, no one likes to feel as if he or she is being used for influence or authority, especially by a presumed stranger. Therefore, your initial approach is paramount to random connecting success.

Although most people in public venues are available to some degree and can be met, you must still be sensitive to people’s situations. People give clues about how available they are; sometimes those clues are obvious and sometimes, less so. But the clues are there, and effective random connectors observe those signals and monitor their approach accordingly.

You will know quickly whether this is someone who’s available for meeting. The person will either respond openly or shut down the conversation with a curt response. Growling, snarling, and reddening in the face are generally indications that the person is not interested in meeting anyone.

Although turning random connections into productive relationships presupposes an outcome, we have to be respectful toward all those we encounter. Yes, you have a goal, but unlike a heat-seeking missile that finds its target but might destroy everything in its path along the way, you will drive gently toward your destination as a successful random connector. We all want to be regarded by others, and no one wants to feel as if he or she is being used only for influence and connections. So although you may have a goal in mind, you want to find your way there gently, preserving the relationship while ultimately discovering opportunity.