Chapter 16

The Importance of Authenticity and Curiosity

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but with nine lives they might have caught a lot of mice along the way. Genuine curiosity—that desire to know—is the lifeblood of good relationships. Showing interest in another person—interest that’s wrapped in a genuine desire to discover more about him or her, to get to know that person—without judgment, is perhaps the single most critical ingredient in successful relationship building, and certainly in random connecting.

Questions are a pivotal part of random connecting. First, the answers your new acquaintances give you provide the information that you need to assess if, and how, they can be of value to you—and you to them. It also allows you to unlock the gate to conversation; questions show that you are interested in the other person, they make the other person feel valued and appreciated, and of course, they give you the insight you need to determine what potential exists through this person.

To be truly curious, you have to get out of your own world and into the other person’s. Truly curious people don’t spend a lot of time or effort thinking about their own personal interests; they focus on what interests others.

It is very difficult for others not to feel regarded, recognized, acknowledged, and appreciated when you are attentive toward them. Yet despite this fact, I am constantly struck by the lack of curiosity among people, especially when they first meet. It’s almost as if interpersonal curiosity—the desire to learn more about others, to ask meaningful questions in an authentic desire to get to know the other person—has vanished. Where did it go? What caused people to stop wondering about others? How can we expect others to know that we are interested in them if we don’t ask questions that allow us to understand and learn more about them?

Most people, unsurprisingly, like to talk about themselves. If they feel you are genuinely interested in them and their “story,” they will share it. In fact, it is so unusual to find someone who asks good questions—and does so with genuine curiosity and actually listens to the answers—that you will distinguish yourself immediately simply by exhibiting this quality.

Find something that is special, unusual, and remarkable about your new acquaintances; your interest will be flattering. What line of work are they in? How did they get to where they are today? Who in their life influenced them to head in that direction? What’s their favorite part of their job? These are safe, simple questions. They will give you a glimpse into who each person is, at least on the surface, and they create the path for further conversation while giving you the information you need to determine how you might be of value to one another. You are also earning others’ respect and gaining deeper insight about them, all while demonstrating your ability to listen, to care, and to be other-centric. Once you build some rapport, you can ask even more meaningful questions, ones that help you figure out their values and interests. What do they care about most? What’s most important to them in their lives? When you find them fascinating—and everyone is fascinating in their own way—they will overflow with information. They will want to tell you more. They will feel respected, appreciated, and acknowledged.

Of course, no one wants to feel interrogated, so use a slow pace when asking your questions about the other person; don’t ask rapid-fire questions. You want to pose questions in a gentle, nonthreatening way—and always with genuine curiosity and interest.

One answer leads naturally to another question. Imagine the person is a fascinating story that is yet to be told—part mystery, part drama, part comedy, part fiction, part reality. If you meet in a travel venue like an airport or train station, asking simple questions such as “Where are you headed today?” is Random Connecting 101. Then you can delve a bit deeper: “Are you traveling for work?” “How did you get into (the particular profession)?” “Was there a specific turning point in your life when you realized this was the profession for you . . . or where you got a big break that created the path for your success?” “What was the secret to your success?” “Who were your role models?” “If you could do anything else, what would it be?” You will learn about your new acquaintance through these questions, all the while cultivating the rapport that is so essential to relationship building.

The more you inquire, the more you’ll discover. That discovery will allow you to mine high-quality information—and you never know where that new information will lead. People are walking, talking stories. And everyone is fascinating in their own way. You will find opportunity in their stories; but you’ll never know about these opportunities unless you ask.

I once attended a wedding where a bagpiper was playing for the bride and groom as they walked down the aisle. He was dressed in full bagpiper regalia and blew those horns so all the world could hear. I could have watched and listened like everyone else and assumed he was a bit player in an otherwise lavish production. But I was fascinated by him and was determined to know the story behind him and his craft. While everyone else at the wedding was listening to the music and perhaps thinking about what a lovely touch this added to the ceremony, I was considering where and how I would approach him to get the story behind the story. He was accompanied by his wife, and as luck would have it, they both stayed for the reception, giving me my opportunity.

I began to ask him questions: Was this a side business, or his full-time work? Did he always do this, or was it something he’d begun recently? How and where did he learn? How many gigs does he do in a month—and how often did he play at weddings? Is bagpiping increasing in popularity? What does a set of bagpipes like that cost these days?

As it turned out, this was indeed a side business. By day, he sold job candidate testing materials to companies, something closely aligned to my business. We have spoken about how I can integrate his product into my offerings, and I anticipate we’ll do business together at some point.

But the big surprise came through his wife. How could I have predicted that she is a professor at the Art Institute of Atlanta? In chatting with her, she asked if I would be willing to be a guest lecturer at an upcoming class. Six weeks later I was standing in front of 20 marketing majors, sharing my insights and learning from them about the issues and challenges facing young job seekers. I found out about a dynamic educational forum. I found out about new directions. I expanded my network, and all from a random encounter at a wedding with a bagpiper.

Things About People to Be Curious Of

• What they do for a living
• How they got into their line of work
• How long they’ve been in their field
• What they like most about it
• Where they see their industry or business heading
• What they think have been the biggest changes in their industry
• What they would do if they could do anything else
• Where they live, and if they like it
• Where they were raised
• Where they went to college
• Their most influential role models
• The time in their life when they learned the most
• The time of their life they’d go back to if they could
• What they do for recreation
• Whether they have children, and if so, what their children are doing professionally

The art of asking good questions has been lost in our culture, yet almost everyone appreciates when others show an interest in them. Unfortunately, most people seem much more interested in themselves than in others. This is why you distinguish yourself from the crowd when you show genuine curiosity about someone else; you give the person to whom you are talking a chance to feel recognized and valued. At the same time, you gather the information you need to discover what’s possible in the relationship.