The Components of Rapport

What does rapport building entail for a mentor? How does the mentor establish early kinship, trust, and comfort? What follows is a discussion of the four components of rapport: leveling communications, gifting gestures, receptivity for feelings, and reflective responses. (Okay, there are probably twenty-five components—or twenty-five hundred—but in this book we will work with four. We all know there is not a finite number of most things, especially in areas like habits, wonders of the world, ways to leave your lover, or components of rapport. The four here were chosen for convenience and workability.) The point is, develop your own techniques for rapport building, consistent with the spirit of these components. To jump-start your efforts, we’ve included several applications in each section.

Leveling Communications

Rapport begins with the sights and sounds of openness and positive regard. Any normal person approaching a potentially anxious encounter will raise his antennae high in search of clues about the road ahead: Will this situation embarrass me? Will this person take advantage of me? Will I be effective in this encounter? Is there harm awaiting me?

Given the protégé’s search for early warning signs, the mentor must be quick to transmit signals of welcome. An open posture (for example, no crossed arms), warm and enthusiastic gestures, eye contact, removing physical barriers, and personalized greetings all communicate a desire for a level playing field. Mentors who broadcast power signals (peering over an imposing desk, making the protégé do all the approaching, tight and closed body language, a reserved manner, or facial expressions that telegraph distance) risk complete failure to establish a good mentoring partnership.

Gifting Gestures

The opening communication can signal only that the path ahead may be safe for travel; it does not ensure rapport. The “Actions speak louder than words” adage is uniquely fitting at this juncture. Protégés need a gesture or action that they can take as a token of affinity.

Establishing rapport is a bit like courtship. You don’t say, “Hi, I’m Bill. Let’s get married. How’s tomorrow at three?” There are the little matters of dating, gifts, parties, meeting the family, showers, ministers—all the preliminaries needed for a long-lasting and rewarding relationship.

The best mentors are especially creative with these signals. The perfunctory “How about a cup of coffee?” is certainly a well-worn gifting gesture. However, think about how much more powerful a statement like “I had my assistant locate this article I thought you might find useful” could be as early evidence that the relationship will be a friendly one. One effective mentor kept a supply of his wife’s homemade jellies for visitors. The gift was always bestowed early in the encounter, not at the end.

There are as many ways to signal benign intent as there are mentors and protégés. Find one that suits you and works for your associates.

Receptivity for Feelings

The great psychologist Carl Rogers wrote extensively on unconditional positive regard and its impact on relationships. His research repeatedly affirmed the role such a generous attitude has on psychological healing and wellness. A good mentor establishes rapport through careful attentiveness to the protégé’s feelings early in the encounter. When people believe they are heard and understood, they feel secure and comfortable. Establishing rapport is not about asking, “How are you feeling?” It is about listening intently to ascertain the feelings behind the words—and making responses that acknowledge these feelings.

In her article “What Exactly Is Charisma?” Patricia Sellers profiles Orit Gadiesh, the former chair of the prestigious global management consulting firm Bain & Company: “Orit has that talent for making you feel you’re the most important person in the room. She bleeds your blood.” One way she makes clients feel important, reports Sellers, is by never looking at her watch. Inside Bain, Gadiesh was regarded as a junior consultant’s most generous mentor.¹

In her story “Mockingbirds,” Mary Oliver tells of an elderly couple visited by strangers in their poor abode. Lacking any goods to offer their visitors, the couple simply listens to their guests with all their heart. The strangers turn out to be gods who view the couple’s attentiveness as the very best gift humans can give.² Gods and protégés are moved and mellowed by mentors who listen from the heart. As a mentor, continually ask yourself: “What must he or she be feeling right now? How might I feel if our roles were reversed?”

Reflective Responses

Receptivity to the protégé’s feelings enables you to provide a tailor-made reflective response that says, “I’ve been there as well.” This gesture, another way of saying, “I am similar to you,” promotes the kinship and closeness that are vital to trust. The goal is empathetic identification. Empathy is different from sympathy. The word “sympathy” comes from the Greek word sympatheia, meaning “shared feeling.” Empathy means “in-feeling,” or the ability to understand another’s feelings. Relationship strength is not spawned by “Misery loves company”; it comes through “I’ve been there too” identification.

Reflective responses can be as simple as a short personal story that lets the protégé know that you appreciate his feelings. Mildly self-deprecating anecdotes can work well, too. Above all, rapport is best served by humility and sensitivity. If you feel awkward, say you do. If you feel excited, say so. The sooner you speak your feelings, the faster the protégé will match your vulnerability.

These ideas about rapport are meant to spark your thinking seriously about how to begin this important getting-started phase of mentoring. However, you should also keep in mind that the main ingredient in the recipe for rapport is authenticity. The more you surrender to who you are in front of the protégé, the more at home she will feel. Compatibility is as vital in mentoring as in any other important relationship. How quickly and effectively that compatibility is established can make a major difference in how competent the protégé becomes.

Jack Gamble on Rapport

(“Mentoring In Action” Revisited)

“Sorry I’m late!” she heard from behind her. “Would you like a glass of real good homemade iced tea?” he asked with the same impish style he had used to tell the mule joke.

“No,” said Tracy, more brusquely than she had intended.

Jack served himself from the large blue jug. He turned as he began speaking, warmth and confidence in his words. “Tracy, I’m real excited about getting to work with you. Sarah, over in human resources, tells me you are one terrific systems engineer.” Tracy didn’t know how to respond, but Jack continued, not seeming to want a response from her yet. “You’ve worked on the LWB-211, which I would really like to know more about. We haven’t gotten any of those in here yet, but we plan to in the fourth quarter.

“Now, how can I help you get settled in?” Tracy was not sure, but she asked Jack whether she would be getting a laptop with a high speed modem that would enable her to link into the company intranet when she worked on the road.

“That’s a new one,” said Jack, writing it on a small pad. “I’ll find out and let you know right away. I’ve been keeping a list of the questions new people ask, along with the answers. I’ve made you a copy. But the modem question won’t be in this issue!” Tracy was beginning to feel more comfortable with Jack.

“I don’t know what you think of this plant,” Jack went on, “but I sure do remember what I felt at first. It seemed like a tight family that didn’t want any more cousins! I remember feeling downright scared and wondering if I’d made a bum decision. But I made up my mind I wasn’t going to let it beat me. I just started acting like I was already in the family. And you know what? It worked like a thirty-ought-six on an eight-pointer at twenty yards!”

Tracy was surprised. “You’re a hunter?” she asked.

Jack’s eyes twinkled mischievously. He looked like someone who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “You bet!” he said. “And if you aren’t, then I just messed in my nest—using an expression that only another hunter would get.”

“I hunt too,” replied Tracy, somewhat relieved to have one thing in common.

“Terrific!” said Jack. “Do you like to hunt deer?”

Tracy nodded. “I hunt anything in season,” she said. It was her first foray into Southern mores.

Jack leaned forward. “That’s great! Have you seen the new issue of Field and Stream?” She had not. “Well, I have it right here. Why don’t you take it? There’s a great article on deer stands—has some crazy ideas I plan to try next time my son and I go deer hunting.” Tracy began to loosen up as they continued to talk for some time on their newfound common interest.