Surrendering
Accepting
Gifting
Extending

PART 3

ACCEPTING—CREATING A SAFE HAVEN FOR RISK TAKING

Pope John XXIII was probably the most beloved pope in recent history. The devotion people felt for him was due in part to the fact that he was completely without pretense. His openness and humility endeared him to millions, Catholic and non-Catholic alike. One of his first official acts was to visit the prisoners in a large penal institution in Rome. As he gave the inmates his blessing, he shared with them the fact that he had been in a prison, too—to visit his cousin!

Sidney Jourard, in his classic, The Transparent Self, describes countless research studies demonstrating conclusively that humans have a natural, built-in tendency to be open and revealing.¹ When that tendency is thwarted, the individual reacts by becoming closed, cautious, and reserved. The longer this blockage occurs, the more difficult it is for trusting relationships to develop. In his book Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? John Powell answers his title question, “Because if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it’s all that I have.”²

In the last few chapters we explored different dimensions of the core competency and first step in the mentoring process: surrendering. In Part 3 we will examine the second crucial core competency of great mentoring: accepting. Accepting is evaluation-free, egalitarian encountering—mentoring without arrogance, bias, prejudice, or selectivity.

Accepting means inviting the learner to be courageous, to take the risks needed to unfreeze old habits, and to embrace and internalize new practices. This entails sending all manner of signals and signs that hearten the learner to boldness and provide support, despite unstable first attempts and timid trials. The mentor’s willingness to act in ways that are noticeably gallant is a part of that invitational signaling process. Such actions say to the protégé, “I value you enough to accept you despite your imperfections.” Think of it as a human form of grace. (Grace among some religious groups means “undeserved forgiveness.”)

Mentors who are effective at demonstrating acceptance also foster a spirit of inquiry on a level emotional playing field—a relationship with unrestricted access, from which all issues unrelated to learning are barred. They reveal a riveting curiosity in the protégé through their dramatic listening, empathetic inquiry, and productive dialogue. When mentors listen to learn (not to instruct), when mentors question to unearth (not to prove), and when mentors converse to explore (not to boast or best), the protégé experiences acceptance. The next five chapters focus on skills and techniques that support competence in accepting. This part begins with the most crucial accepting skill—encouraging courage.