When it comes to finding ways to effectively deal with difficult emotional struggles, there are no simple answers, no quick fixes, and no magic. People are not simple minded. All human emotions and moods are certainly influenced by stresses you encounter in your life, but, ultimately, how you feel and react will almost always be unique. Confronted by identical, difficult life circumstances, no two people will respond in the exact same way. And the nature of this very unique and highly individual response is determined by a number of crucial factors. This is one reason that many pop-psychology, simplistic suggestions about how to handle “stress” are too general and may offer little real help to those who are going through truly difficult times.

We will devote a lot of chapters to specific coping strategies, but before doing so, it is essential for you to become knowledgeable about the nature of the human mind and also how the brain influences emotions. In this chapter, we’ll begin to look at some of this complexity … how the human mind works and how this relates to your own unique emotional self.

It may be tempting to skip these early chapters and move directly to the later chapters that deal specifically with managing your mood. But I want to strongly encourage you to read the chapters in Part 1. Understanding the nature of emotions and how the human mind and brain work is the first step in preparing yourself to take action.

Let’s take a first glance at how the human mind and brain play a role in producing emotions (in this book we will refer to these parts of the brain as the emotional brain). Research in the neurosciences during the past decade have given us important information that relates directly to understanding how emotions work and what we can do to manage moods more effectively.

Example One: All people have particular parts of their brains that are devoted to creating emotions. Most of the time these emotions and emotional behavior are directly tied to physical and psychological survival. For example, fear ignites a fight-or-flight response. Loneliness propels people into interaction with others.

Example Two: With rare exceptions, emotions do not just spontaneously erupt. They are reactions to external stressful events, such as getting fired from a job or taking an exam in school, or being stuck in traffic. Psychologists refer to these events as “stressors.” Emotions are also a response to inner thoughts or needs. For instance, thinking, “I am worried that my teenage son may be using drugs,” or an inner longing to find someone to love can certainly stir emotions. Stressors, thoughts, and needs can light the fuse for emotional reactions (stress responses).

Example Three: Just how you perceive and interpret events matters a lot. Let’s illustrate this point by way of three examples: the first is touching a hot stove with your finger; the second is being confronted with physical danger to your life when a man wanting to steal your purse or wallet approaches with a knife; the third is the social fear of public speaking.

What happens between the input of stressors and output of stress responses has to do with appraisal: the mind’s capacity to rapidly perceive and interpret what is happening, moment to moment. Just how situations are perceived is profoundly influenced by a host of factors that work together and determine one’s degree of emotional sensitivity and what I’ll refer to as your own unique emotional style (more information on this in the section “Beyond Stimulus-Response: Your Emotional Control”).

Let’s take a look at our three examples. In example 1, touching a hot stove, every human being will feel and react in the exact same way. You experience pain and the feeling automatically evokes a reaction: you pull your finger away from the stove. This is simple stimulus-response. In example 2, being assaulted by a man with a knife, most of us will also have the same reaction: fear and the impulse to run away. But in this situation there may be differences. The ex-Navy Seal with expert training in self-defense probably will react differently, as would the undercover cop who has a firearm. Their prior life experiences and their ability to feel more in control of the situation matter a lot. They are assessing the stressor in a different way than most of us would.

In example 3, with getting up in front of an audience to give a talk, it gets even more complicated. What goes through a person’s mind five minutes before getting up in front of a group of people to give a talk depends on a multitude of factors. Thoughts, memories, past experiences, how well you have prepared your talk, anticipation of what will happen, your perception of the facial expressions of the people sitting in the audience, self-confidence, and so forth, now matter a lot in how you look at this situation. Many life events push your own unique emotional buttons. When you consider many similar emotionally complex situations—asking someone out on a date, going on a job interview, hearing about the death of a loved one, finding out that your spouse has had an affair—people’s emotional reactions are all over the map. In these situations, individual differences are paramount. Let’s take a look at what is happening in the brain.

Here’s a metaphor. Smoke detectors are set a particular level of sensitivity at the factory. They need to be sensitive enough to detect smoke if your house catches on fire. But the threshold of sensitivity should not be too low. A smoke detector should not sound an alarm when it perceives minute traces of smoke from a blown-out candle. Likewise, those parts of the human brain that are designed to be alert to potential danger in the environment, in a sense, also have certain sensitivity thresholds. It’s important to rapidly notice real dangers, but would be overwhelming if every tiny sight or sound set off an alarm. These biological set points (or thresholds for perceiving danger or distress) are different for every individual, and are the topic of the next section.

Some people are born with their sensitivity set point at a lower level. They are just naturally more sensitive. Initial sensitivity set points are not completely set in concrete, but they do tend to be rather enduring over one’s lifetime. As we’ll see, your initial sensitivity threshold is strongly influenced by genetics and early brain development.

This more enduring sensitivity set point can also be changed (for better or for worse), at least for a while, by a host of factors throughout life. Want to test this out? Try not sleeping for 2 nights in a row, or drinking 8 cups of coffee, or working 80 hours a week (well, actually don’t really do this). But the point is that these kinds of things do turn the volume up on emotional sensitivity. They change brain functioning and can increase the likelihood of feeling overwhelmed.

In addition, as we shall see, there are many things you can do or experience that can, in positive ways, enhance your ability to feel less distress and to deal more effectively with stress.

If anyone experiences a completely unexpected, very loud bang, they will automatically respond. Sensitive people, tough-guys, little kids, it doesn’t matter. Again, this sort of thing is simple stimulus-response. The brain immediately reacts and alerts the body. You feel the impact of this response in a nanosecond. This reaction is referred to as the fight-or-flight response.

The whole body is activated. The heart rate increases, blood pressure goes up, stress hormones are dumped into the bloodstream (thyroid hormones, adrenaline), and more glucose is dumped into the blood stream, all of which immediately prepare the body for fight (defend yourself) or flight (run for cover).

An automatic biological reaction to the perception of danger in the environment is characterized by some or all of the following symptoms.

Changes in physical sensations …

Changes in perception or thinking …

Changes in emotions …

Changes in behavior …

An unexpected loud bang, for example, will invariably cause the same reaction in every single person (except those who are completely deaf). This is not about being sensitive, or about being emotionally weak, or emotionally mature, it’s just being a normal human being wired for this kind of instinctual response. Once these stress hormones get launched, just try and stop them. Good luck!

In more complex emotional situations, something often happens between stimulus and response. This is a crucial element that strongly influences your emotional style. It is referred to as behavioral inhibition.

Let’s say two people, Gail and Cindy, are watching a tear-jerking movie. Let’s also assume that both are equally emotionally sensitive. At a particular poignant moment in the film, Gail cries and Cindy does not. They both feel a similar strong inner emotion of sadness. For Gail, her emotions find outward expression; she becomes tearful. This may be due to the fact that she feels okay about showing her tears; she is not embarrassed or ashamed. But Cindy keeps her feelings bottled up inside. She feels them, but does not express them. For any number of reasons, she does not feel comfortable about letting them show outwardly. She inhibits the outward expression of emotions (behavioral inhibition).

This matter of behavioral inhibition, or, in plain English, emotional control, is strongly influenced by two factors:

So here are the possibilities; let’s illustrate by adding a third person viewing the movie. Assume that all three women are equally sensitive inwardly (identical levels of emotional sensitivity), but they differ in a couple of major ways: their inner attitudes about outward expression of emotions and ego strength. Gail and Cindy have sturdy egos; our new moviegoer, Laura, does not.

Laura tries to maintain control, but cannot.

Many things influence one’s level of ego strength. Shortly we’ll see how genetics, brain development, and early life experiences can either contribute to strong egos, or conversely result in less-than-optimal ego strength. Beyond this, a host of life experiences can negatively impact ego strength for you, for me, for anyone. Some of these factors include not getting enough sleep, alcohol or other substance abuse, exposure to very traumatic events, or prolonged and severe stress.

An additional way that the brain and the mind also play a role in creating emotions has to do with a particular kind of appraisal that automatically goes on all the time (sometimes consciously, but often unconsciously). People continuously scan the environment looking at life in general and at specific events as they unfold moment to moment, taking stock of two issues:

Based on prior experiences handling various tasks and challenges and being well aware of my skills, resources, and talents, will I be effective in coping with the current stressful situation (for example, a problem in an important relationship)?

The answer to this question matters a lot. This has to do with a very important type of appraisal: the evaluation of controllability. Any even mildly stressful situation can provoke some at least minor stress symptoms (e.g. increased heart rate or muscle tension). But if a situation is judged to be uncontrollable or a person begins to have strong doubts about his ability to effectively cope, the brain and the body are much more likely to respond in significantly intense ways.

A conclusion “I am not in control” or “I doubt myself” can happen in one of four different ways.

How we perceive controllability and our degree of self-confidence may be one of the most crucial aspects of coping. Many of the chapters that follow will suggest strategies that will give you a greater sense of control when moving through difficult times.

The Least You Need to Know