“To thine own self be true,” is a saying we all have heard. The reality is that many people live their entire lives in ways that are fashioned largely out of compliance. This inauthentic way of living is a surprisingly common source of feelings of depression, emptiness, and meaninglessness. In this chapter, we will carefully consider this issue and explore ways to discover your true self.

All of us come into the world simply and naturally being who we are. If infants could talk, they might say, “I yam what I yam.” However, soon thereafter this free and completely uninhibited child starts to encounter the world of other human beings who begin a process of socialization. Rewarding some behaviors, such as smiling at grandma, and discouraging others, such as knocking over house plants. Bit by bit, as every human being encounters these social pressures to act in certain ways, parts of the natural self start to become inhibited. This is the process that gives shape to the child’s emerging character.

Thankfully this shaping of character works; people become civilized. It would be unfortunate if adults continued to cry and fuss every time they get hungry or continued to poop in their pants. The problem is, however, in some if not many young children, the pressures to stifle self-expression and to “behave” are too strict and too pervasive. Some children grow up in homes in which kids are never allowed to get angry or to speak back to their parents. Or when they express their own thoughts and opinions, they encounter comments from their parents that belittle, humiliate, or shame them. “You’re so stupid … you don’t know what you’re talking about.” Sometimes pressure to be a certain way is enormous; the consequences of just being who you are, if not approved of by your parents, may include brutality, inappropriately intense shaming, or threats of abandonment. “I wish you were never born!”

Noted child therapist D.W. Winnicott described the notion of a false self. Children subject to severe conditions, as previously mentioned, go into life developing a self that is fashioned out of compliance. Every waking moment is devoted to stifling inner needs, feelings, and thoughts in order to please others or to avoid abandonment. When this is carried to an extreme, it results in what Winnicott calls a false self. All the child knows of who she is, is this overly constricted, compliant self. Sometime she may notice inner feelings of anger, but bites her tongue and stifles the emotions. Sometimes she clearly disagrees with her parents, or teachers, or other people in power, yet she swallows her thoughts. In the most extreme cases, true inner longings, needs, beliefs, thoughts, and opinions become so hidden away that the child doesn’t even know what she really thinks or feels. It is as if she took a part of herself, locked it in a closet, and then even forgot the closet existed.

Some people move through life never feeling angry or irritated, never voicing strong opinions, and always subjugating themselves to others.

There are three common consequences of living only from a false self. The first is that many actual and necessary emotions are inhibited or even completely shut out of awareness. As we saw in Chapter 21, one essential ingredient for emotional healing following significant losses is mourning, and expressing that range of intensely felt painful emotions that accompany loss. A false self, so cut off from feelings, is a major liability. People who don’t have access to these emotions are much more likely to not heal following losses. Depression and psychosomatic illnesses are a common consequence of unprocessed grief. Another result is that those who do not successfully mourn losses often become very uneasy about getting close to or attached to another person. This can result in long-lasting social isolation, withdrawal, and loneliness.

The second consequence is that feeling such a great need to be compliant, those with a false self may never be able to truly find their own voice. Thus, generally, others tell them what to do, how to think, and what to feel, and they are inclined to passively submit. This, in itself, can result in feelings of powerlessness and low self-esteem.

The final price paid by living from a false self is a lack of aliveness. People may live with this for many years, yet in midlife some begin to really notice how they feel. Usually the first awareness of this is experienced as a vaguely felt sense of emptiness, uneasiness, low-grade depression, and/or a lack of enthusiasm about life.

Joann was perplexed. Why had she become so exhausted and blue during the past six months? She also felt a profound lack of enthusiasm for almost everything. As she took stock of her life, it seemed clear that nothing really bad had happened; no losses, no tragedies, absolutely nothing that might explain her low mood. She decided to see a therapist. She felt uncomfortable and somewhat confused as she went in for her first session with a therapist.

“I have a good life, good kids, good husband … financially we are secure. I don’t have any reason to feel so down.” Her therapist listened carefully and then encouraged Joann to just talk a bit about herself, taking her time to look closely at her life.

During the first three sessions, as Joann shared her thoughts about her life with her therapist, a theme began to emerge. In so many ways, she had devoted her life to caring for the needs of others. For instance, as a dutiful daughter in high school, she was quick to put her own needs aside for the sake of her younger brother or to make life easier for her parents. Likewise, in her married life, she had settled into a role in which she was always there for everyone, to fix things, to listen, to rescue, to console. She also discovered that she rarely complained and generally just went along with whatever her husband said or did. It started to become increasingly clear that somewhere along the path of her life, she had set aside her inner self (her needs, her feelings, even her own beliefs) to take care of others. And this had been done to excess. She also came to see that she almost never voiced her own opinions. Joann had lost touch with her inner self.

Life roles that are totally devoted to caring for others, those based on excessive compliance, a strong desire to never make waves, or to live out the dreams of others (like making career choices favored by a parent) can and often do leave people estranged from their own inner self. And, often this can set the stage for distress, loss of vitality, or depression. Dr. Albert Schweitzer said, “Living superficially is a sign of soul sickness.” I think this is what Joann was suffering from.

Most times, such reactions come on gradually. And like Joann, the source of a low mood is often, at first, an ill-defined mystery.

One of the most important sources of energy, enjoyment, and aliveness comes from living a life that is in synch with who you really are. A life burdened by over-compliance or excessive sacrifice of the self can choke off aliveness just as surely as moving a plant out of the light can cause it to wither.

Confiding in another (for example, a therapist or trusted friend) can often lead you to greater clarity about inner, but suppressed, needs, urges, and feelings. Therapeutic writing, as was discussed in Chapter 13, also may lead you to a greater awareness of a buried, inner self.

Some people go from cradle to grave living within the confines of a false self, never realizing that a more authentic self lies buried within their mind. How can you tell if you are living life from a true or false self? The following exercise can be helpful.

My role in life, as scripted by others:

After considering these questions, it is likely that you may have a clearer notion of ways in which you have stifled your true self. Knowing this is the first important step in beginning to make changes and starting the journey to discover your truer self.

Winnicott also wrote of the collapse of the false self. It’s as if those sealed closet doors closing off parts of the self begin to open on their own. They can be blown open by major life events. For example, a very painful loss may break through into that buried part of the self that naturally would feel grief. Or finding out that her husband has had an affair might crack open the door containing natural and normal feelings of anger in a woman who has always been very passive and compliant.

Here, “getting in touch with your true feelings” may be a very frightening thing to do, at least initially. Having lived only from a false self for 35 years, the emergence of these very unfamiliar feelings often cause enormous anxiety. These feelings are so alien that they result in people feeling overwhelmed, destabilized, or sometimes fearing that they are going crazy.

The first reaction, of course, is to do anything to seal the crack in the closet door; “Just get me back to what I’m accustomed to.” A common way that people do this is to try and numb themselves with drugs or alcohol. And many people find all sorts of ways to emotionally grit their teeth.

Another way of responding to this is to understand that the emotional symptoms, such as anxiety, are like signals from one’s deeper self saying, “Something is not right.” Author and meditation teacher Pema Chodron says, “Anxiety is a messenger telling us we are about to go into unknown territory.” That unknown territory is the experience of buried emotions and needs. Many people who choose to go into psychotherapy spend a fair amount of time navigating through this scary and sometimes overwhelmingly unknown territory. However, at some point they begin to see some rhyme and reason in what they are experiencing. As the authentic emotions come more and more to the surface, most people find that they can face and tolerate these emotions.

Furthermore, often they go beyond just tolerating. They begin to “own” the feelings, seeing them as understandable human responses to painful or difficult life circumstances.

This pathway to greater awareness of one’s inner, truer self is not easy. It clearly is the road less traveled, and requires a lot of courage to face these inner realities. But it can be life-changing.

Psychologist Sheldon Kopp said, “Too often as children, we were encouraged to try to be something other than ourselves. It was demanded that we assume a character and live out a life-story written by someone else. The plot line was given and improvisations were seriously discouraged or completely unacceptable, and the direction was an oppressive form of close-quarter tyranny. [The False Self] is, in part, the result of being miscast into a scenario plotted out in accord with somebody else’s unfulfilled dreams and unfaced anxieties.”

Try this exercise:

It is common for most people to be only vaguely aware of such inner disappointments or the underlying loss of self. Self-discovery can be an important step in addressing problems that you may be having in relationships or in your current lifestyle. But be prepared, because this kind of examination can also result in a painful awakening. Honestly confronting inner truths is often the key. Buddha said, “Look into your own mind to find out what is true … the truth is recognized and not taught or learned.”

Often, what is equally important is to then take actions to change your life. This may involve more open discussions with intimate others requesting and negotiating for changes in the relationship, or deciding upon new directions in your educational or career pursuits. In the words of the author and poet Kahlil Gibran, “… to weave the cloth with threads drawn from your own heart … to change all things you fashion with a breath of your own spirit.”

The best shot we humans have at creating a life worth living may rest, in part, in being able to discover who we truly are, and then living life in accord with our own inner needs, desires, values, and beliefs.

The Least You Need to Know