When people experience significant life crises, it makes sense to feel stressed out. However for many of us there may not be any particular, major stressors going on. The cause is living a life out of balance. In this chapter, we take a close look at this and see how you can perform a balancing act.

Koyaanisqatsi is a Hopi word meaning “life out of balance.” Does this ring a bell for you? It certainly does for me. For many people a life that is overloaded with work or obligations may be a day-in and day-out source of significant stress. Picking up the kids, paying bills, returning phone calls, work, work, work! Many of us live this way for decades, living lives devoid of pursuits or experiences that create balance. Certainly many people manage to take a vacation each year, but after one or two weeks at the seashore, they return to the grind of everyday life. Does a week or two a year really restore people?

When people are experiencing very significant distress or depressing times, often so much focus and energy gets poured into struggling and emotional survival that there is little time left to engage in activities that might restore some balance and sanity. For people besieged by stress, it may not even dawn on them that their life has become so one-sided. When people are going through very difficult times, one of the first things that drops by the wayside are activities that are self-nurturing.

At the heart of unbalanced lives are three common factors. The first is a loss of a sense of choice. Many folks that live a chronic life out of balance believe that it has to be this way; they feel trapped and at the mercy of life’s demands. Second is simply not noticing it. It is easy to become so consumed with daily life, that people may go for decades not fully realizing how empty their lives have become. Third is that some people do not feel like they deserve to make time for themselves. Either they feel unworthy of self-care activities or they may habitually think that others come first. Their lives have become devoted to caring for others 24/7.

The prices paid for living a life out of balance are numerous: exhaustion, burn-out, pent-up resentment, feelings of emptiness or meaninglessness, depression, a loss of intimacy in marriages or other meaningful relationships …. Solutions can also ruin lives, such as alcohol abuse, gambling, and marital infidelity (and other symptoms of a “midlife crisis”).

A story I have heard too many times from elders is that they look back on their lives with regret. They now realize that they never liked their job, but felt trapped in it without other viable options. Or they realize the folly of working all the time and never stopping to smell the roses. It’s never too late to reinvent your life, but as the old saying goes, “You better enjoy yourself … it is later than you think.”

The first step to take in creating a healthier balance in your life is to take an honest look at how you are living your life on a day-to-day basis.

Try this exercise. Draw this table on a legal pad and jot down everything you do for a period of one week. Obviously this would not include very minor events such as a trip to the bathroom or taking a drink of water. But develop a shorthand way to briefly record your activities that take 15 minutes or more of your time and record the amount of time you spend doing each activity. On this sheet you will see nine boxes where you can list activities according to two dimensions: necessary for life and quality of life.

For example, box C might include such activities as “washing the laundry.” Unless you really get off on this activity, it’s likely to be in box C because (at least eventually) it is necessary to do. However, for most people it does not rank high in terms of enhancing the quality of life. Box G might include “soaking in a hot bath while listening to peaceful music, just to unwind.” This is not a necessity, but it may feel good and contribute to self-nurturing and relaxation. You will likely find that activities in box I turn out to be either unpleasant obligations or habits. For lots of people, this box gets filled with many activities.

At first glance, recording all of your activities for a week might seem like a daunting or tedious task. But this exercise can be an eye-opener. People often discover how much of their time and their lives they are giving away, doing things that may not be at all necessary and certainly not rewarding. We all have certain obligations, and it would not be realistic to simply stop doing all such actions; however, the goal of this exercise is to increase conscious awareness of how you are living your life.

You will probably discover some things in box I that you’d really like to let go of (we’ll be talking about how to say “no,” and negotiation for changes in relationships, in Chapter 19). Changing your life by letting go of some undesirable obligations is one step to take toward reinventing your life. Saying no and setting limits on how much time you are obligated to do certain activities will almost certainly free up time and energy that you can devote to other pursuits.

I want to be very clear. This exercise and these suggestions are not about becoming totally self-centered or selfish. We all feel the need to give to others (and, in fact, reaching out to and helping others is often a very important part of living a balanced life). But the point is that many people overdo it and the suggestion here is to carefully take stock of what you are doing and consider establishing some limits on box I activities.

Do you feel trapped in a job you do not like, or a relationship that is not a good fit? An important element in this kind of experience is a perception of powerlessness. “There is no way I can find another job that has good pay and good benefits!” How often is this belief what contributes to that trapped feeling?

I know an attorney who got fed up with his career and quit, and started driving 18-wheeler trucks. And we’ve all heard stories about the CEO who gets burned out, leaves his wife, and moves to an artist colony in Arizona. Some people can and do make these dramatic life changes. But let’s be realistic. Most people are not inclined to take these kinds of huge steps to change their lives. Yet there are ways to initiate changes and reduce the experience of powerlessness.

Julie was in a dead-end job. She felt no challenge, and most days she had to drag herself to work. Her passion was playing the violin and she had dreamt of a career as a musician. But she was a single mom and needed to support herself and her two children. Getting a job as a musician seemed a complete impossibility. She decided to go to counseling, and after a period of time where she carefully looked at her life, she became much clearer about how her life was almost completely devoted to her job and her kids. She came to see how this lifestyle was about survival, but not really living. Eventually, she decided to join a musical group that played several times a month at various nursing homes. She started to feel more alive. One day in her counseling session she remarked, “I still have my day job … but it’s just work … my career is a musician, and my people at the nursing homes are probably the oldest ‘groupies’ around!”

Julie’s retooling of her life was not a radical 180-degree change of life. But it clearly was a course correction that mattered. Her life now feels different. She experiences more aliveness. In addition, she also started feeling less trapped, less powerless. She has the same job and she is not wild about it, but she feels more the author of her own life. Rather than feel like a leaf passively being blown around by the wind, she has restored a sense of choice.

Charity and service to others can bring a sense of meaning to our lives. Compassion for others, sacrifice, or just being helpful toward others is important in living a balanced life. This can involve caring for a sick relative, doing volunteer work, serving on a committee at church, coaching a soccer team, spending time on the phone consoling a friend who is going through a divorce. These are decent things to do. The problem is, however, that many people have trouble setting limits.

When one’s life becomes increasingly out of balance with too much time consumed by obligations, it can begin to wear on a person. Often what starts out as an act of love or kindness can gradually transform into a felt sense of obligation and a burden, and may eventually result in both burnout and inner feelings of resentment.

Another complication is, once again, feeling trapped. The key to change is to get to a place where you can feel okay about saying “no” and setting limits.

Joel had earned a lot of respect and admiration for the work be did on numerous committees at his synagogue. People constantly praised him for everything he did. Many weeks he would spend all day Sunday and three nights during the week with various activities. He did genuinely like what he was doing. He was also getting worn out. At times he considered cutting back, but was worried that he would disappoint others. A turning point for Joel was when his rabbi got him aside one day and said, “I want you to know how much I appreciate what you do, but I must tell you that I think you may be taking on too much.”

This opened the door to an important discussion. The two of them talked, and Joel was, for the first time, able to speak freely about the conflict he felt. Thankfully his rabbi, who had also experienced this same dilemma himself, really supported Joel in his decision to cut back. Joel imagined that if he resigned from some of his committees, his friends would be disappointed or possibly upset with him. In trying to predict the future, it was this conclusion that lended to his feeling of being trapped. But with his rabbi’s encouragement, he decided to speak with his fellow committee members. To Joel’s surprise, when he spoke with his friends on the various committees, all he experienced were expressions of appreciation for what he had done and complete support for his decision to pare back his activities. One word described his reaction: relief.

Imagine yourself as a very old person nearing the end of your life. Try to really get into this image. Look back at your life. What are those memories that you values and cherish? Are there regrets? This perspective can help you carefully consider the decisions you make each day that lend either to balance or to Koyaanisqatsi.

I saw a cartoon in which a woman was sitting at the bedside of her dying husband. He spoke to her about his regrets, “I should have bought more stuff.” I kinda doubt that anyone has really thought of that on his or her deathbed.

Throughout history people have struggled with this issue of balance. The ancient Dominicans had a tradition called the “Seven Actions for a Whole Life.” They recommended that each and every day time be carved out for all of these seven important actions:

A more modern version of this prescription for balance has been recommended by psychiatrist Paul Fleischman. He suggests these following elements that contribute to inner peace:

Elizabeth Barrett Browning underscores this final point with her short verse:

For many of us, it may take years, if not a lifetime, to discover that unique formula for living a whole and balanced life (and such a formula may be very different as a 25-year-old versus a 53-year-old … priorities and wisdom change). The biggest obstacle to finding it for yourself may simply be that you have not taken time to look closely at your life. This inspection of your priorities and lifestyle can certainly be done on your own and by using some of the exercises suggested in this chapter. For many people, however, it is much more effectively explored in counseling or psychotherapy. Some people may think that therapy is only for people with serious problems. However, please know that going to a therapist to sort through your life and get clarity about your choices and priorities is an absolutely legitimate reason for going to see a psychotherapist.

Think back to when you were younger, when you yearned for things in your life such as a college degree, a profession, a loving relationship, a sense of freedom and independence in choosing a style of life, owning your home, and so on. Remember how much you longed for these sought-after goals. Then, acknowledge the goals that have now been realized. Sit with this awareness for a while. People often take goals that have been achieved for granted and lose sight of how important such things can be in one’s life. This exercise in remembrance and reflection can often help you experience a greater sense of gratitude for goals achieved.

Throughout the day, as many times as possible, stop yourself for a second or two and consciously take stock of the moment. Intentionally focus on yourself and the environment in the here and now, and see if there is anything you can notice that is nice, sweet, beautiful, upbeat, humorous, or peaceful. For example, “Right this moment, I feel calm and there is a cool breeze,” or you notice a beautiful tree, a blue sky, a smile on a child’s face, a friendly or courteous interaction with a clerk at the grocery store, a great-tasting lunch, a funny joke on a TV program, and so on. Right in this moment as I am typing this page, I stopped for a moment and looked at a picture I have in my office of my beloved grandfather holding me on his lap when I was 3 years old.

Some people in the midst of significant life crises may have thoughts like, “This is silly,” “I don’t feel in the mood to stop and smell the roses,” or “How could this possibly help me feel better?” Also, this strategy may be something that simply does not dawn on you to do.

Like a lot of exercises and suggestions in this book, this particular suggestion, in itself, is not a cure for emotional suffering. But it is an action you can choose to do that can have an impact. One of my clients, Chuck, told me: “I’ve realized that to get through this very difficult time, I must adopt an attitude in which I am decent to myself, where I give myself permission to enjoy what I can and notice small positive things whenever I am able.” This approach is not Pollyannaish; you are not denying serious problems in your life. But you are willfully choosing to expand your vision of the world and strive for a more realistic and balanced perspective.

Each night, take a minute before bed and write in a diary, listing at least two things for which you feel grateful today. Then sit and reflect for just a moment. Chuck did this as well, and told me, “When I look over my list of gratitudes, I remind myself that, especially when I am depressed and overwhelmed, I cannot afford to ever forget these things in my life for which I feel grateful.”

Scan the following list of positive statements (often referred to as affirmations), and see if any feel appropriate and sincere to you. The chanting of unauthentic affirmations rarely helps anyone. However, you may find that one or two of these do strike a positive chord. If so, it may be helpful to write them on an index card and, several times a day, pull it out and read it to yourself (even out loud, if you are alone).

The following are words of encouragement and reassurance, and they are a way of providing ongoing support for yourself as you take action overcome emotional distress:

Psychologist Peter Lewinsohn and colleagues discovered something in the 1970s that seems so obvious and yet so powerful. Depression, feelings of emptiness, and a loss of enthusiasm and aliveness often are due to the fact that, for various reasons, people have drifted into lives devoid of pleasant and life-enhancing activities.

Many people, especially those who feel down, discouraged, or pessimistic may certainly know that if they did more pleasurable things, they would feel better. It just makes sense. However, there are two common problems:

Lewinsohn compiled a long list of social, recreational, and fun activities. He then conducted research with people experiencing serious depression. In this study, the therapist and the research subject looked at the list and came up with a dozen or so potential, positive activities. Then they were instructed (actually pushed) to engage in these activities several times a week. Many offered initial complaints, “I just don’t feel like doing it.” Of course they didn’t. They had depression and virtually no sense of motivation. Noted psychiatrist Dr. David Burns says, “Motivation follows action.” When you don’t feel motivated, just do it anyway, or have a friend or family member push you to do it. Most of the time, once you have started the activity, it begins to feel easier and even pleasant.

Guess what? After three months, most of this large group of very depressed people had recovered from their depression. No psychotherapy, no antidepressant medications. Just being forced to engage in life. During times of significant stress or blue moods people shut down and withdraw. As noted before, commonly the first activities that are sacrificed are these energizing and life-sustaining pleasurable activities. Positive-activity therapy, if you want to call it that, may sound overly simplistic; however, there is solid research evidence to demonstrate that it can have a powerful impact on restoring life to people who are struggling. Take it seriously.

In Appendix C, we have a list of positive activities, many of which you may not have even considered. Spend some time looking at this list and come up with your own smaller list of activities. Then speak with a friend or family member and say something like this, “I’m having a rough time in my life right now. I want and need to do some things to bring more balance and more pleasure into my life. But I need your help to motivate me. Otherwise I’m afraid I just won’t follow through.” Often this is the key to having this work.

Ask for your friend or spouse to kick you in the butt, encourage you, or actually join you in the activity. It often really helps to reach out for this kind of help.

The Least You Need to Know