Sometimes life stresses push people to the breaking point. The consequence may be to feel quite overwhelmed. Not only do these times cause enormous suffering but they can also compel people to do and say things that they later regret. In this chapter, we’ll look at a number of effective strategies for rapidly de-escalating overwhelming feelings in order to regain a degree of emotional control.

It makes sense that people would do anything to avoid excruciatingly unpleasant emotions. And I do not believe that there is anything inherently noble about facing painful feelings. However, this struggle against feeling understandable, authentic human emotions often can make things worse.

In psychoanalytic writings, the words neurosis and neurotic refer to the tendency for people to fight against feeling their emotions (over-control as described in Chapter 7). Famed Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung said, “Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering.” As we’ve seen in Chapter 13, psychologically gritting your teeth too much can lead to significant psychological symptoms such as depression and anxiety attacks, and stress-related illnesses such as high blood pressure and tension headaches. People going through psychotherapy often experience a very common outcome. They eventually loosen up tight, inner emotional controls and begin to feel these underlying legitimate feelings (such as anger or grief). These emotions can be felt as very intense or painful, but are often accompanied by relief.

Jungian analyst, Marion Woodman says, “Real suffering burns clean. Neurotic suffering creates more and more soot.” The struggle to bottle up feelings often actually leads to an intensification of suffering. It may seem paradoxical, but often expressing heart-felt emotions leads to relief and less emotional intensity.

During times of great emotional distress, many people experience moments of extremely intense, painful emotions: anxiety, panic, sadness, despair, anger, and so on. We have just considered the value in feeling and expressing emotions. But let’s be honest. Sometimes emotional distress just feels too overpowering. When you are beset by waves of intense emotion, it will be helpful to use effective strategies to manage such feelings in order to reduce suffering and regain some control. This chapter takes a look at seven approaches that are often successful in turning down the volume on painful feelings.

Previously (in Chapter 2) we looked at research conducted by neurobiologist William Frey. His studies reveal that many people begin to cry, feel ashamed, and then choke back tears. But when people give themselves permission to cry—no shaming, no self-criticism—the experience of crying rapidly reduces a wide range of intense emotions (from sadness to anger). Recall that a rapid reduction of painful emotions often follows an average crying spell, which generally lasts only three to six minutes.

Thus we human beings have built into our biology this incredibly effective way of rapidly reducing emotional intensity. The key is to give yourself permission to cry without self-condemnation or shaming.

Often, intense emotions erupt in the context of a heated encounter with another person. Sometimes the back-and-forth interaction throws gas on the fire, and negative emotions escalate. During these times it may be difficult to keep a realistic perspective, and people sometimes say and do things that they later regret.

The approach to dealing with this kind of situation is to give yourself a “time out.” This is a strategy often used with children to help them calm down. Well, believe it or not, it works with adults, too. Getting away from the provocative interaction can reduce emotional intensity. And as you simmer down, it’s then easier to think things through and regain a realistic perspective. People just don’t think clearly when emotions are intense.

In the heat of an argument, lots of folks get caught up in winning, making a point, or trying to convince the other person that he is being unrealistic or unfair. These issues may be important, but frequently, if approached with excessive intensity, may just lead to more conflict or hurt feelings. Going into another room, into the back yard, or better yet, going for a 10-minute brisk walk, the volume is likely to get turned down on strong feelings, at least somewhat. Then it may be easier to think, “What really matters?”—possibly, despite the upset, you’ll realize that maintaining the relationship, or maintaining self-respect, now seems ultimately more important than winning an argument.

The 60-second reality check is a strategy that can help you quickly gain perspective and rapidly reduce emotional distress. It is best to do this when you can think more clearly, thus it’s important to first de-escalate some of the intense emotions (as noted above). If you’re feeling upset, follow these six instructions:

Okay, maybe it takes 90 seconds, but try it—even once. Most people experience an immediate de-escalation in strong emotions.

During moments of very intense emotions, the mind tends to generate catastrophic thinking, thoughts that scare people and accentuate the sense of being out of control. “I feel like I’m going crazy” … “I can’t stand this!” … “Oh my God, I’m losing it.” These thoughts just throw gasoline on the fire.

One way to help reduce some of the intensity of emotion is to actively avoid catastrophic thinking. Tell yourself that these thoughts are not helping. And replace them with one or more of the following (in your mind or, even better, by saying them out loud if you are in a private place):

Actively focusing your mind on nondestructive distractions can often effectively turn down the volume on intense emotions. Consider the following options:

It may be hard to believe, but often people are calmed by what is known as radical acceptance. Here is how this works: no one likes intensely painful emotions. Yet the path of radical acceptance asks you not to fight the feeling; rather, notice it, acknowledge the truth, “This is very difficult (or painful),” and then say to yourself, “I don’t have to like this, but I can simply accept that this is how I feel in the moment. These are honest human emotions. And, like all emotions, they come in waves. Soon the intensity of this feeling will begin to subside.”

Possibly the most important step to take when in a state of emotional overload is to reach out to other people or (if you are so inclined) to God. Talking with a friend or getting a hug from a loved one can be stabilizing and calming. This may also be accomplished by writing letters or emails to friends or loved ones.

Likewise, praying (especially praying out loud) can be helpful. Sometimes people pray for their life to be dramatically different, and then experience disappointment. The Navajo have a particular spiritual tradition called “the Hozro way.” If they experience a severe drought, for instance, they don’t pray for rain. Rather they pray for the courage and strength to endure this hardship.

The Least You Need to Know