If you live long enough, it is inevitable that you will experience the loss of a loved one or close friend. Modern day American culture endorses a “get over it and get on with your life” attitude regarding grief. This represents a significant misunderstanding about the nature of emotional healing following loss. We’ll take a close look at this in this chapter and also see ways people can more effectively cope and heal following painful losses.

Each year in the United States, approximately 10 million people experience the death of a close family member. Each year there are more than a million new widows or widowers. Many thousands of couples lose a baby through stillbirth or miscarriage. Infertility problems rob many couples of the dream of having children. Divorces (2.5 million each year in the United States), separations, kids leaving home, geographic relocations, the death of a beloved pet. The loss experienced when a parent realizes that his child has sustained serious brain damage or a severe type of mental illness.

The list of losses is long. And we must add to this list the loss of a dream: the dream of a happy marriage or family, the loss of a dream for a meaningful career, the loss of the dreamed-for joyous retirement when one member of a couple develops Alzheimer’s disease or another similar neurological illness that causes dementia. (With such illness the losses go on and on, as the person slowly slips away.)

A public-opinion poll several years ago asked a random sample of Americans, “How long does it take to get over the loss of a loved one?” The answer most often given in this poll was one year. This is wishful thinking that is clearly out of touch with the human reality. Do people, in fact, really “get over” these terrible losses?

Most people do mourn losses and healing occurs. However, a large body of bereavement research indicates that broken hearts do not mend quickly. Although there are exceptions, most people continue to suffer noticeable grief for a period of four to seven years after the death of a spouse. And often longer, following the loss of a child. Ernest Hemingway said, “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places.” This can be one outcome. Yet many people don’t mend, because complications develop.

Grief embodies a number of painful emotions that erupt in the aftermath of a significant loss, including the following:

This pervasive cultural pressure is the source of significant harm to many people who have experienced a loss. Surely there is a period of time when most friends and relatives provide support and comfort, accepting grief as a normal human response to loss. But often after six months or a year, those who are bereaved begin to encounter remarks from well-intentioned and good-hearted friends or relatives. “You look like you are still taking it hard,” “You need to let go,” “Your husband would have wanted you to move ahead with your life.” The intentions may be sincere, but often the underlying message is, “If you are still grieving, there is something wrong with you.”

As people begin to hear these comments, a very common outcome is for the bereaved person to start wondering, “Is there something wrong with me? Am I neurotic or depressed?” As we’ll see shortly, about 20-25 percent of people do develop significant depression following the loss of a loved one. However, the majority of people are not clinically depressed. They are experiencing normal grief, yet they are encountering cultural standards that, in my opinion, are absurd.

In many rural Greek villages there is a social custom that prescribes a five-year period of mourning following the death of a spouse or a child. Rather than being criticized, those who have lost a loved one continue to receive support and understanding. Ongoing grief is not only accepted, but is actually encouraged. This tradition may be closer to the reality of prolonged healing following painful losses.

When Americans pick up on the “Let go and get on with your life” message, they typically begin to bury their feelings. They stop talking about or openly expressing feelings of sadness or loneliness. Their anguish goes underground. When this happens, they now are not only continuing to grieve, but must do this alone—privately in their minds without the outward acknowledgement and support for their ongoing suffering. Some people experiencing this completely natural but prolonged grief may turn to medications (tranquilizers or antidepressants) to numb their pain. Alcohol abuse is another way to anesthetize a broken heart.

In large-scaled studies, about 10 percent of people experiencing a loss feel very little grief. Some of these people were actually never deeply attached to the person who died. If the relationship was abusive or otherwise deeply troubled, sometimes the main feeing is relief. For some, belief in the hereafter provides comfort that eases grief. Thus, for various reasons, not all humans feel intense grief. However, most do. And for some, grief does subside within that first year.

Looking at large groups of people who have had a significant loss, we can glean some common trends (although I must emphasize that from one individual to another, there may be enormous differences). Following the initial shock of the loss, most people experience four to six months of exquisitely painful sadness. This is often accompanied by pining and yearning for the lost loved one, and periodic moments of denial, “I can’t believe this has really happened!”

Somewhere around the six-month time frame following the loss, a harder reality of the loss hits people. Here there is often an even deeper sense of loss. At this point, many people find that they are not handling their emotions or their lives in general as well as they were just following the loss. And yet by this time, many friends, fellow church members, and others are not as available for support as they were in the more immediate aftermath of the loss. The social isolation may now hit people hard. And long after some sadness begins to subside a bit, what stands out as especially painful is loneliness and simply missing the loved one.

Despite encouragement to let go and get on with your life, clearly two thirds of people on a regular basis continue periodically to feel the presence of their lost loved ones. They may hear their voice, smell their perfume, or feel their presence in bed next to them at night. Half of people have a strong sense that their deceased loved one is still somehow present, looking out for them. And one third of bereaved people frequently talk to their lost loved one. These experiences are very common, especially during the first two years following a loss.

This hopeful admonition is likely to be inaccurate. Just waiting for time to pass assumes passivity. What helps people to heal following major losses is not the passage of time, but rather, actively grieving the loss. Grieving is something we do (and choose to do). Let me be perfectly clear: how this is done depends entirely on the individual person. There is not a specific prescription for successful grief work. However, the following are generally accepted as essential elements in grieving that moves a person toward healing:

Shakespeare said, “Give sorrow words. Silence whispers the or’ fraught heart and bids it break.” Facing the painful realities of the loss is helped significantly if a person has the opportunity to speak to and to openly share emotions with another person. Grief runs so deep that almost always this sharing of emotional anguish needs to be done over and over again. Many people find it hard to seek out a friend or relative who is willing and available to hear their grief, especially if it is intense and if it is necessary to share over and over again. In such cases, bereavement groups can be very helpful. Also, many people choose to go into counseling to help them face and process their loss. Please know that therapy is not just for people with psychiatric disorders. These days, many very emotionally sturdy people seek out counseling as a way to work through their grief.

Increasingly, experts on loss and bereavement are realizing that the cultural directive to let go of attachments to the deceased loved one may be misguided. An alternative is to do exactly the opposite. As people first encounter their grief, a lot of thinking, talking about, and feelings pertain to the suffering leading up to the death and/or the trauma of the death itself. However, at some point, many people are able to move beyond this singular focus on the death itself. As intense feelings begin to soften some, what many people then naturally do is to reminisce. At some point people may be able to let go of the pain, but not the memory of their loved one.

Reminiscing occurs in a number of ways. Repeatedly talking with others about memories of a life spent with their loved one certainly is a powerful way to reminisce. Journaling or writing about the deceased loved one can also be helpful. Putting together a scrapbook, making a collage, or taking a trip of remembrance (going back to where you first met your wife, for instance) are ways to re-experience the presence of your loved one.

Here the goal is not letting go. This approach appreciates the need people have to maintain attachments. And by reminiscing, the images and memories of the loved one actually are taken more deeply into your heart and mind.

Rabbi Harold Kushner says, “Only human beings can defeat death by summoning up the memories of someone they loved and lost, and feeling that person close to them as they do so. Memory is what gives us power over time by keeping the past present so that it cannot fade and rob us of what we once held precious.”

Some might argue that people do need to move on with their lives. Well, odd as it may seem, to understand, respect, and embrace this need for reminiscing often helps people more deeply heal from losses. And, in fact, they find ways to maintain their attachment while at the same time reinvesting in their new life.

It is much more likely that people will suffer complicated grief reactions if one of the following occurs:

Twenty to 25 percent of people who lose a loved one will experience grief, but over a period of time the grief disintegrates into depression. Ten percent of people will react to the loss by developing severe anxiety (sometimes post-traumatic stress disorder). Alcohol or drug abuse often accompanies these types of complicated grief reactions. These serious outcomes are addressed in more detail in Chapter 26.

The following are signs that grief may be turning into depression:

Losses due to separation, divorce, or geographic relocation certainly are different in many ways from the death of a loved one. However, all losses stir up strong and sometimes complex and conflicting feelings. Time alone does not heal all wounds. People have their best shot at coping with and healing from losses if they …

Finally it is worth noting that some people by nature are more private. Sharing personal feelings with others is not their style. Still, it is helpful for such people to also face these painful realities and to grieve.

The Least You Need to Know