Chapter 24
Helping Children Deal With Emotionally Painful Times
In This Chapter
• Truth-telling and validating a child’s feelings
• Getting your children to share their feelings with you
• The impact of upsetting media on a child’s sense of safety in the world
• Signs to help determine if your child needs professional help
Although most of this book has been devoted to coping with the demands of adult life, in this chapter I want to spend some time talking about how to help young people in your life.
Helping Your Children
Want to hear a crazy belief? It’s okay to circumcise infant boys, because it only hurts for a while, and besides, they will never remember it. This is not a statement for or against circumcision, but an example of the distorted thinking some people in our society have about the experiences of suffering in young children, including emotional suffering.
Some kids are lucky. They are born into intact, loving families. They are held and cared for, and protected from dangers and emotional calamities. But many children come into the world only to find domestic violence, damaged parental relationships, huge family stresses, poverty, and sometimes trauma and tragedy. Many innocent children are neglected or abused. Many children must experience the fear and pain of medical procedures to correct birth defects or other accidents or illnesses. Some children are victims of horrible burns. And lots of kids lose a secure family. There are 2.5 million divorces each year in the United States, and many unfortunate children lose a parent, sibling, or other loved one to death.
How can we help our kids when they must face and live through these kinds of very difficult life experiences? In short, the keys are truth-telling, validating, holding, providing safety, sharing your feelings, and getting them to open up.
Truth-Telling
Children, to a greater or lesser degree, are exquisitely sensitive to what is happening in their world, for example, serious illness of a parent or grandparent or marked marital discord. Kids sense these kinds of things and have strong feelings about it. In order to protect children from being overwhelmed, many parents do not talk openly about what is happening and may create the pretense that things are “fine.” Thus children are picking up on two messages, “Something is terribly wrong here” and “Things are just fine.” This is crazy-making, it leaves kids feeling more insecure in their life, and it may influence their developing characters, e.g. the belief that people are deceitful.
Here is the key, and it involves a balancing act. It’s important to tell children something about what is happening, but also temper this by having what you say fit their age and level of intellectual development (telling them something they’ll be able to understand). And second, shield them from some unnecessary details that they simply don’t need to hear. I wish there were some formula that could guide parents in finding this balance. There isn’t, and each child and each particular circumstance are so different. But at the heart of this communication with your child is truth-telling, and underlying messages include, “I want to be honest with you,” “I know that you probably sense something is distressing,” and “You deserve to know (at least a bit) about what’s happening.”
Validating
When children are hurt, scared, sad, or worried, they need to know that those who love them notice their pain and care enough to validate it. Sometimes parents may be oblivious to their child’s suffering; this is not uncommon in homes where there is significant alcohol or drug abuse. Sometimes overwhelming stress or depression in a parent may be so intense as to override their natural instincts to be attuned to their child’s feelings.
However, maybe more commonly, children perceive some form of these parental messages, “Don’t be such a sissy,” “It’s not that big a deal,” “You are just too emotional,” or a kind of cruel, “Don’t worry—be happy” comment. In the extreme, very distressed children are actually told, “You are not upset.”
To be acknowledged and validated (for the child to feel like a parent or other loved one really gets that he is suffering) not only provides comfort in the moment, but this kind of experience also delivers a powerful message to that child’s emotional heart: “You matter to me … I believe you … and I am here to help you.”
Holding
Especially for young child, holding and rocking them can provide enormous comfort and support. Often this act of love can do far more than any words spoken. We all know when children begin to grow up; there comes a time when it’s not cool to hug your parents (especially in front of friends). I still occasionally accidentally call my 26-year-old son “Honey” in front of his friends. He looks at me like “Dad!! For gosh sakes, don’t embarrass me.” And many children are different, but a pat on the shoulder or a hug, for many kids and teenagers, continues to convey concern and love.
Bet You Didn’t Know
Researcher Megan Gunnar contacted 150 Canadian parents who had adopted infants from Romanian orphanages. As you may know, these infants received almost no holding or physical comfort living in these emotionally barren orphanages. Dr. Gunnar followed these adopted babies for nine years to see how well they developed. Babies adopted by parents before the age of four months were healthy and emotionally well adjusted at age 9. Those adopted after they were in the orphanage for eight or more months were deeply emotionally disturbed, despite being cared for and loved by their healthy adopted parents. Other researchers have clearly demonstrated the importance of physical holding and rocking; it not only matters in terms of emotional health and bonding, but also makes a huge difference in terms of brain development (especially the development of the emotional brain).
Providing Safety
After a death in the family, or a marital separation, or a very frightening event (like your house burning down), beyond feelings of grief, all children feel terribly anxious. Something has dramatically shaken their sense of basic safety in their world. It is important to keep open to these feelings, long after the difficult events subside. Talk to children and give them permission to talk or cry. You don’t want your child to get the message, “You need to just get over it,” because it’s rarely that simple.
It is also helpful to create a safe environment. If your home has been burglarized, have your kids help you put in extra locks or other security measures. Likewise, if you or your spouse have been assaulted, show the children concrete ways you are taking precautions to fortify your house or do other things to increase a sense of safety. During a divorce, one of the most loving things you can do is to agree to not draw the children into taking sides or to burden the children with too much of your own suffering.
If children are very frightened after a traumatic event, they may want to sleep with their parents. It’s hard to know the right way to handle this and it will depend on the circumstances. If Mom was in a serious accident but is recovering in the hospital (i.e. there is likely to eventually be a good outcome), you may let your children sleep in your room for a night or two, but also tell them that it’s just for a couple of nights, and you have confidence that they will be able to return to their own beds soon (again, the age of the child does matter here). If a child has a parent dying from a terminal illness, it certainly may be appropriate for them to sleep in the parent’s room for a somewhat longer period of time.
Again, no formulas here. But you’ve gotta trust your heart and also give your child the clear message that you believe in her ability to make it through this very difficult time. And in fact, many, if not most, kids are surprisingly resilient.
Sharing Your Feelings
Another balancing act. Parents who hide their grief, for instance, and never shed a tear may have good intentions. However, it’s generally very helpful if you do show children some of your real emotions. You are not only modeling such behavior for them (giving them permission to be emotional), but also, when they see your pain, it helps them feel more okay about sharing their own inner feelings.
It must, however, be stressed that children should not be pulled into the role of “rescuer.” Parents may be going through their own anguish, but children should be told that they are not responsible for fixing their parent. It is not uncommon for some kids to immediately take on the role of mom or dad’s comforter. This is more than children can be reasonably expected to do.
Getting Your Children to Open Up to You
Encourage them to talk. Don’t give up if at first they withhold a lot. You can say, “As hard as this is, I believe that you do have a lot of hurt (grief, anger, whatever) inside of you, and I really believe it will help to talk about it with me.” I have said to my own children, “Even if you don’t wanna talk about it, I cannot and will not ignore the fact that you are upset ….”
Once again, so much depends on their developmental level, and also on their own personality style. Some children temperamentally are just more introverted or inhibited. But it still never hurts to make an invitation to talk, and keep the door open if they have a change of heart and need to open up to you.
When children do talk about upsetting things, for example, a marital separation or a family illness, your ability and willingness to also be honest and open with them likely will help it be easier for them to share with you.
Other outlets for emotional expression, especially in younger children, are play and artwork, which should certainly be encouraged. Play and artwork are especially important mediums in which children can express and work out their feelings. Therefore, do encourage creative play with dolls, little soldiers, clay, building blocks, artwork (but not video games, which serve mainly to distract). And as seems appropriate, ask your children about what’s happening in their play or artwork. For many children, play is a much more direct way to access and process their inner emotions than talking is.
Listen, Listen, Listen
Directly approaching children about emotionally upsetting things often is not successful, at least at first. What does, however, often work is to be with them doing something, like driving in the car or fishing. For me, my youngest son went through a very difficult time, and was mostly inclined to clam up about it. However, he and I took a three-hour rafting trip and a hike. Just the two of us. With no pressure, eventually he started opening up to me.
Dealing With Nightmares
Many children have nightmares. First let’s distinguish between nightmares and night terrors. Nightmares are highly disturbing dreams. And it is appropriate to wake your child up, provide reassuring words, and ask him to talk about his dreams (a very ancient custom, not just something suggested by Sigmund Freud). Nightmares are often ways of processing difficult life experiences.
Night terrors, on the other hand, are incredibly intense outbursts of terror occurring during sleep that are not associated with disturbing dreams. They are also often associated with other kinds of sleep disturbances such as sleepwalking and sleep talking. These are considered to be neurologically based medical disorders and should be discussed with your physician if they seem to be a problem.
def•i•ni•tion
Nightmares are very frightening dreams that occur frequently when children are under significant stress. Night terrors may look like nightmares, however, they are generally not associated with scary dreams. The child is not truly awake, but is extremely terrified and may cry and scream. Night terrors are not due to emotional conflicts, but rather, are a type of biologically based sleep disorder.
Upsetting Media
The Columbine tragedy, 9-11, and other terrible events can be very upsetting to children. Even if you reduce exposure to or eliminate such TV news reports at home, you better count on your children hearing it from friends.
It is tempting to provide reassurance such as, “This will never happen to us/you.” However, many mental-health professionals who help children have found it better to provide reassurance tempered with some truth and reality. For example, “This was a very, very terrible thing that happened. I know it scares you … it scares me, too. Please listen carefully to me … sometimes bad things like this do happen in the world. But it is also extremely unlikely to happen to you/us, and I will do everything I can to help protect you and keep you safe.”
Signs That Your Child May Be Having More Serious Psychological Problems
Unfortunately, some serious psychological disorders begin in childhood or early adolescence. One third of cases of obsessive-compulsive disorder and of bipolar illness have their onset in this age group. Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), by definition, always begins in childhood and in 60 percent of cases lasts into adulthood. If a child or teenager is suffering from a significant psychological problem, it is crucial to get professional help as soon as possible.
The following behaviors or traits should alert parents that their child may be having more serious psychological problems and should be evaluated by a mental-health professional.
• Extreme social withdrawal
• Showing virtually no outward signs of vitality or enthusiasm
• Very intense and prolonged rages
• Cruelty toward other children or animals
• Fire-setting
• Bedwetting (especially if this has been overcome in the past but has re-emerged or continues beyond the age of 7)
• Soiling their pants
• Cutting or burning themselves
• Severe anxiety about going to school or being left with a babysitter
• Excessive preoccupation with rituals such as counting, hand-washing, peculiar eating habits
• Marked inability to get along with other children (either irritable or mean, or just extremely aloof and socially inappropriate)
• Severe sleep disturbances
• Inappropriate sex play or behavior, for example, sexualized drawings, sex play with dolls, touching their private parts in public, touching other children or adults in inappropriate sexualized ways, or the use of highly inappropriate language
Most kids go through some times when they may be more sensitive, more moody, or more anxious. However, if any of the previously mentioned problems become apparent, please take action. These behaviors may be signaling a more significant psychological problem and the sooner your child gets professional help, the better.
The Least You Need to Know
• There are a number of key ingredients in helping children cope with very distressing events. At the heart of these approaches is telling the truth and accepting the child’s feelings.
• Children should not be pulled into the role of mediator between parents or rescuer for a distressed parent. Often this is more demanding than children can reasonably cope with.
• When talking to children about very upsetting things, a parent or grandparent must always do a balancing act … not saying too much (that might overwhelm a child), but also telling them the truth about what is happening. One must also carefully consider a child’s age and level of intellectual development and talk to them in ways that they can understand.
• Some serious psychological problems can begin in childhood or adolescence, and parents need to know the signs that a child may be suffering from a more serious psychological condition.
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