What factors contribute to emotional set points, ego strength, and attitudes about expressing feelings? It’s important to look at and really understand several crucial points of a complex puzzle … those factors that determine or influence emotional reactions and moods. This understanding will be the foundation for many of our later discussions of effective coping strategies.

In this chapter, we’ll cover how genetics, brain development, and the early formation of character truly set the stage for determining how all of us see and react to the world. Then, throughout life as we run into challenges or very difficult times, here and now factors also play a crucial role in determining how we’ll each react.

At first glance, all human brains look pretty much the same. All are comprised of similar brain structures and all have about 100 billion nerve cells. But when it comes to the functioning of the brain, especially how it regulates emotions, we now begin to see that a very large number of factors can result in some brains that are highly stress resistant, while others are not.

For all of us it literally starts at the moment of conception as our genetic blueprint begins to direct the growth of the nervous system. A significant amount of how we react emotionally is influenced by this genetically determined temperament.

Studies have demonstrated that some basic traits seen in infants (such as a tendency to be shy, sensitive, or overly anxious) can be very stable over a long period of time, perhaps a lifetime. For people born with this more sensitive temperament, the tendency to approach most situations in an overly cautious and fearful way may have absolutely nothing to do with one’s particular life experiences. Many of these kids have good, loving parents and have not in any way been traumatized. Rather, what comes into the world, as a part of their “original equipment,” is this sensitive nervous system.

When people with a sensitive temperament have the good fortune to be born into a loving family, they may develop in psychologically healthy ways. Yet they may always be prone to feeling somewhat uneasy, especially in novel situations or when exposed to environments that are intensely stimulating. People with this temperament, for example, might find it a better fit to live in the country rather than in the busyness and commotion of a large city.

Problems, however, can occur when people with a sensitive temperament are born into a stressful environment. They may come into the world with good parents, but parents who are under enormous stress. Or such children may be born into highly chaotic, toxic, or abusive families. Here, inherent sensitivity collides with an adverse emotional environment, and these children may be overwhelmed or traumatized.

Many people with a sensitive temperament conclude that “There is something terribly wrong with me … I am neurotic or in some other way, psychologically maladjusted.” Often when sensitive people can come to see and appreciate the reality of their own temperament (without being harsh or judging toward themselves), they can then better seek out relationships, jobs, or living conditions that offer a better fit. So many times as a therapist I have known clients who initially believe that they are mentally ill or otherwise emotionally damaged, only to eventually discover and accept that they are simply by nature sensitive or anxious.

Julie, one such woman, after years of struggling emotionally and feeling inadequate, ultimately came to appreciate that she was, by nature, sensitive. She found out her own truth that she was not especially gregarious and thus living in a big city was not her cup of tea. She moved to a smaller town and began to give herself permission to live life on her own terms (e.g. not attending what had previously been obligatory parties, and allowing herself to have more solitude and long walks in the countryside). Her life began to feel not only more comfortable, but it began to also feel more “real” … she was being true to her own nature. Julie didn’t get “cured” of anything, she just got clear about who she is and developed a lifestyle that honored it. There was a goodness-of-fit between her temperament and her new lifestyle.

Often what looks like psychiatric illness is just a poor fit between one’s particular temperament and his or her lifestyle. The symptoms of distress are the mind’s way of saying, “There is something wrong with the way I am living my life.” Rather than pathology, this is emotional health. The symptoms are messengers telling you to look carefully at how you are choosing to live your life.

In addition to the sensitive temperament, several additional characteristics have also been found to be related to one’s genetic temperament, including the following:

For a more in-depth discussion, see the books by noted psychologists Jerome Kagan and Elaine Aron in Appendix E.

Other factors occurring long before birth can also play a powerful role in the development of the nervous system and ultimately one’s emotional style. While good nutrition and, in general, a mother’s good health can facilitate appropriate brain development in utero, a number of adverse events may harm the developing nervous system.

One very common example that has now been well documented is fetal alcohol exposure (as well as fetal exposure to other drugs of abuse). In children exposed to such substances, it is common to see that from early in life, they have trouble handling emotions. Often these children will become easily overwhelmed, have difficulties paying attention and concentrating, and are prone to significant emotional upset (especially irritability). Fortunately, this problem has received wide media attention, which has resulted in increased caution exercised by pregnant women regarding substance use. However, clearly fetal exposure to alcohol and other toxins continues to be an enormous problem.

During extremely severe and prolonged stress or when people experience severe depression, the body hyper-secretes the stress hormone cortisol. Very high levels of cortisol have been shown to cause particular types of damage to the brains of both children and adults. If a woman has very high levels of cortisol during pregnancy, it is possible that this can damage the developing brain of the fetus. Such infants are born with smaller head circumferences and smaller brains. The particular damage to the nervous system caused by hyper-cortisol does not affect the whole brain. Rather it targets specific brain structures that play an important role in regulating emotions. Thus, again we see the potential for a prenatal factor that may influence one’s tendency for increased risk of being emotionally more sensitive.

For all human beings, even mild stress will activate the release of the stress hormone cortisol. This hormone is made in the adrenal glands and released into the bloodstream. Most of the time this hormone is not harmful to the body; quite the contrary. When stressors ignite a fight-or-flight reaction, cortisol helps by making more glucose available in circulation (if you have to run away or defend yourself, your muscles will need an immediate energy supply). Cortisol also contributes to increasing the heart rate. Finally, once danger has passed, cortisol operates in the brain to help shut off the stress response. Thus, most of the time, this hormone is important for ensuring survival.

However, there are three conditions that can cause the adrenal gland to release huge amounts of cortisol into the bloodstream. This condition is called hypercortisolemia and can be seen in (1) very severe, prolonged stress; (2) severe depression; and (3) Cushing’s disease, which is a disease of the adrenal glands. The levels of cortisol can be so high that they become toxic to the body. As mentioned earlier concerning a fetus, hyper-cortisol can potentially damage particular parts of the brain, especially the hippocampus, amygdala, and cerebellum. These brain regions all play a role in facilitating emotional control. Thus damage results in people becoming more emotional and less capable in dealing with stress.

It has also long been known that a host of other adverse events happening to a mother during pregnancy may interfere with normal brain development in a fetus: poor nutrition, dehydration, excessive exposure to radiation, severe illness (e.g. viral infection), and so forth.

For people who have been exposed to toxins or high levels of stress hormones in utero, it is especially important to develop a strong sense of compassion for yourself. Like those with a sensitive temperament, some of the emotional struggles in a very real way are simply not your fault. They are a reflection of your sensitized nervous system. I have known many people, once again, who spend a good deal of their lives castigating themselves for their emotional sensitivity … and harsh self-criticism never helps. Often a significant turning point for such people comes when they can squarely face this reality and without shame admit, “I am a sensitive (or, an emotional) person.” The struggle against this awareness is, in itself, a source of considerable distress.

“What the hell is wrong with me?” or “I shouldn’t be so damned emotional!” This kind of self-judging always has the effect of amplifying other negative moods such as sadness, frustration, shame, or self-hatred.

Beyond finding ways to be accepting of yourself, there are also some very specific strategies that we’ll address later in this book that can significantly help sensitive people hurt less and cope more effectively (especially in Part 2). Many of these techniques directly influence the brain in healthy ways that result in greater stress resistance.

As noted previously, particular aspects of the nervous system are heavily involved in the regulation of emotions. The very wiring of these brain structures, although influenced by genetics, has a lot to do with the amount of stimulation an infant receives (especially rocking and holding), and the quality of love and nurturing experienced, especially during the first six months of life. Severe neglect during the first six months of life can result in permanent changes in the nervous system that lead to excessive emotional sensitivity and problems with behavioral inhibition. On the other hand, love, comfort, and the simple experience of being held as an infant can help to lay down the neurological hardware that affords some people remarkable stress resistance.

Throughout the world, on average, mothers hold their infants about four hours a day. However, in the United States, Canada, and a number of Western European countries the amount of time mothers hold their babies is only about two hours a day. In an amazing study conducted by Dr. Ron Barr and colleagues in Canada, a group of new mothers entered a research project in which they kept records of the amount of time they held their babies each day. These mothers were randomly assigned to two groups. The first group was given no special instructions, but to just do what comes naturally and record the amount of time they spent holding their infants (turns out it was about two hours a day, as predicted). The other group was instructed to hold their babies for at least four hours a day. By six weeks of age, those babies who had been held four hours a day showed, on average, 43 percent less crying than those held only two hours a day.

Studies with newborn mammals have also shown convincingly that receiving more holding and rocking (in monkeys) or licking and grooming (in kittens, puppies, and rodents) also result in animals who are noticeably more stress resistant throughout the rest of their lives.

Clearly some children are neglected because of dysfunctional parents, for example, having parents who do not love their children or who abuse them, or parents who are into significant alcohol or other substance abuse. Many children, however, may not receive adequate early nurturing for a host of other reasons:

Such brain changes, either those leading to a more stress-resistant brain or a hypersensitive brain, now have been set in place. These are the most crucial factors establishing your baseline emotional set point. To a large degree, this is permanent.

This is not character or personality; it is neurobiology. Please do understand that positive experiences later in life can make a difference. Sometimes a big difference! And in later chapters we’ll also carefully consider a number of specific coping strategies that can make a noticeable difference, as well, in helping sensitive people cope more effectively. However, I must once again strongly encourage those who, owing to adverse inter-uterine experiences or neglect, have a sensitive temperament, to adopt a particular perspective: acknowledge that a good deal of your tendency for sensitivity, anxiety, or depression is literally not your fault. This is not about making excuses; it’s about facing a hard reality with compassion. It’s also not about passive resignation. The starting point is acceptance and kindness toward yourself, and then the next step is to take action (we’ll map out specific action strategies beginning in Part 2 of this book). As the humorist Will Rogers said, “Even if you are on the right track, if you just sit there you’ll get run over.” Self-acceptance followed by action; that’s the key.

The Least You Need to Know