Then it’s on with the pastiche. First I need to somehow explain
what the mailer is all about. Naturally I turn to a pun on VD
(I know, I know):
In our practice we see many organisations suffering from PD (or to
give it its scientific name, Printer Dysfunction). Its distressing and,
for many organisations, hard to talk about. The cause is always the
same: problems with colour printing.
The brief makes it clear that I need to mention the twin benefits
of safety and saving, so I need to find a way of saying that while
maintaining the parody:
Sufferers torment themselves with questions like ‘Are my printers prop-
erly protected?’ ‘Am I as safe as I could be?’ And most painful of all,
‘Why does my wallet ache every time I print?’
So far I’ve teed up the problem, now I need to introduce the sol-
ution. That’s in two parts – a colour laser copier and a service
agreement, so I treat them consecutively, addressing the cost
issue directly with a figure (remember, facts persuade):
Luckily our scientists have come up with a solution – a colour laser
copier combined with our unique Premier service agreement.You may
be thinking, ‘But Doctor, won’t a colour laser copier be expensive?’
Dear me, no – print for print you could save up to 35% compared to
a standard printer. What’s more, our colour protection scheme is so
comfortable you’ll hardly know it’s there. All you’ll feel is the confi-
dence and reassurance that comes from top-notch professional support.
Finally it’s time for a bit more mock-medical chicanery followed
by a call to action:
With our help you’ll soon be performing without problems. Call now
on 01234 5678910 for a consultation – you’ll be glad you did.
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Example three – Comps slip
The job
A design studio I occasionally work for asked me to come up
with something more interesting than the usual ‘With compli-
ments’ for their new stationery. It doesn’t get much simpler than
that. But as anyone who’s tackled similar jobs will tell you,
simple can be downright hard. Plus, they wanted the job doing
in an hour – well, I like a challenge.
The piece
Straight away I knew I had to do something that twisted the idea
of compliments. But no matter how incandescently brilliant my
writing, it’s still just a comps slip. Once someone’s seen it the
game’s up. How could I increase its shelf life? Then I thought,
instead of one design why not have several? That way recipients
get something different each time and it becomes something
small but significant to look forward to rather than just throw in
the bin.
My first thought involved a play on the idea of compliments as
praise or admiration. I came up with lines for a series of five
slips:
Nice shoes
Looking good
Is that a new tie/shirt/haircut (delete as applicable)?
Have you started working out?
Can I just say you’re looking particularly lovely today?
To make the joke work and to signal that each example is one in
a series, I add the sign-off ‘Another compliments slip from
[company name]’.
Here’s one I made earlier 97
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It’s always good to give clients a couple of options, so next I
think about famous quotations on the theme of compliments
(quotes can be great catalysts). A spot of research revealed:
Your eyes shine like the pants of my blue serge suit.
Groucho Marx
If you can’t get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.
Mark Twain
I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me;
I always feel that they have not said enough.
Mark Twain
Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are.That is
the difference between the two sexes.
Oscar Wilde
I particularly love Groucho’s quote. Again I use the same sign-
off line to nail the gag and indicate it’s part of a series, and it’s
job done for now. Time to put it in front of the client and let the
horse-trading begin.
Example four – Press ad
The job
Come up with a series of flexible, interchangeable headlines and
body sentences to promote a range of budget bedding. The brief
made it clear that ‘everything had to work with everything’ – in
other words all the headlines had to work with all the body copy.
It also established that the illustrations used in the ads – fea-
turing a soft focus, romantic novel look – were the hero, and
whatever I came up with had to work perfectly with them.
The piece
OK, bedding. Sheets, pillows, bedsets . . . that sort of thing. The
brief made some mention of their quality feel despite their
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budget prices, so there might be something in the tactile aspect
of the product. Something on the theme of touch might work.
And if it’s all a bit romantic and starry-eyed perhaps ‘touch’
could become ‘caress’, ‘sensation’ or ‘pleasure’. Come to think of
it, the whole idiom of romantic novels could be promising terri-
tory. So after a quick trip to my local Oxfam for research into the
Mills and Boon house style I come up with a potential headline:
One touch was enough
I’m on to something, so I press on:
Yield to me
Gently my darling
Promise me silk
A stolen caress
Smooth as the starlight
Satin nights
A feeling most rare
The sweetest sensation
Only for her pleasure
The last one’s a bit racy but they’re all worth showing to the
client. Now for the body copy. I’ve found my voice so now I just
need to introduce some product features. The brief is light on
detail so I have to make the most of the least. Again I’ll do a
series that I can mix and match with the headlines. After I’ve
messed about for a bit, a two-sentence format starts to feel right:
As she fled into her bedroom Angelica realised she had crossed swords
with someone she could not rule.‘I am no man’s slave!’ she sobbed as
she buried her head in the softly yielding mixed fibre pillow (two for
£6.99).
Having established a way into the problem I can cover all the
points raised in the brief in a methodical fashion:
With her fingers brushing the delicate fabric of the genuine down-filled
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double duvet, Francesca asked herself how something as gentle as her
love for the dashing Count Gustav could arouse such blazing passion.
His touch sent shivers down her spine. ‘Why do you torment me so?’
she cried, as the delicate lace of the 100% cotton bedset with matching
slip pillowcases moistened with her tears.
Her indifferent heart had never been touched! But as they fell upon
the 50% polycotton/silk mix bedset something stirred in her soul that
no man had ever glimpsed.
‘You little fool!’ he blazed.‘Don’t you know a buccaneer’s man-o-war
is no place for a lady?’ But as her eyes lingered upon his waterproof
mattress protector he felt his heart slowly melting.
Again the last is perhaps a little cheeky but certainly worth
showing the client, if only to prove I haven’t been staring out of
the window all day.
Example five – product leaflet
The job
A new brand of luxury espresso needed a small-format leaflet to
go inside a smart tin containing their bagged-up coffee beans. I
didn’t have a brief as such, just a couple of fairly detailed inter-
views with the CEO and his chief taster and some verbal
instructions. What came out of that was a number of key words
(‘smooth’, unique’, ‘quality’, ‘excellence’, ‘obsession’ – you get
the picture) and lots of background bumph about estate terroir,
roasting and so on. It was all good stuff but slightly unfocused
and underwhelming – a problem for a drink positioned (and
priced) at the super-premium end of the market.
The piece
Reading through the raw material I notice that the taster used
the phrase ‘the secret of our success’ several times. Ah, so they
have multiple secrets of their success. That’s promising – it
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